My First Interracial Relationship.... Yikes!!

[TinyBlu]

Isn't it funny how we always have our list of what constitutes a good man, but we place the "must be black" stipulation on them?

Well... I have recently become involved with a Mexican man. The funny thing is that we had known each other for two years before he got up the nerve to tell me that he was interested.

When it comes to the famous WANTS vs. NEEDS list, he definitely checks out on all the needs: he's smart, attentive, gainfully employed, oh-so-sweet, considerate.... he really treats me well and makes me feel like a lady. As for the wants.... he's shorter than I would like (I usually like 6 footers), as he can't be over 5'6". I am learning to look past that and not wear heels!

Anyway.... I am having a little trouble wrapping myself around the whole multi-cultural thing which surprises me. I had always seen myself with a black man but never ruled out a man of another race. But it seems like he only takes me to "Latin" clubs and I really don't get the music, I can't do the dances (I can barely drop it in the black clubs) and I just feel uncomfortable. I don't speak Spanish (compared to his three fluent languages), Not to mention I see all of these beautiful Latinas around and wonder why he is with me with my sisterlocks.

I am normally not insecure, but I am starting to feel a little self conscious when we go out. I just feel like "his people" are looking at us like "why is he with her"?

So.... ladies in interracial relationships.... will this pass??

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

I'm not sure if this will pass, it has nothing to do with him and all to do with your self esteem. You have to feel beautiful in your own skin and then you wont see anyone else. You need to flip your thinking from why is he with me when he has all these other beautiful women to pick from to out of all these beautiful women he chose me cause i'm fine as wine and I have something they dont have.

 

[jem_mcmillan]

Do not worry about the other women, just focus on your man. Obviously you have something they do not. Which should make you smile wider and walk a little taller. He probably takes you to those clubs because that is all he knows. How about suggesting a club you like to go to? Do you want to learn Spanish? Ask him to teach you or AOL has a excellent podcast on languages. Stop stressing and just go along with it. If anything, talk to some of your latina girlfriends.

 

[TinyBlu]

Do not worry about the other women, just focus on your man. Obviously you have something they do not. Which should make you smile wider and walk a little taller. He probably takes you to those clubs because that is all he knows. How about suggesting a club you like to go to? Do you want to learn Spanish? Ask him to teach you or AOL has a excellent podcast on languages. Stop stressing and just go along with it. If anything, talk to some of your latina girlfriends.

That's a good point. He's in Miami so there is a much stronger Latin influence there than in NC. As for the Spanish, I minored in it in college and only remember the basics. Until my job officially transfers me in December, we are doing somewhat of a long distance thing, but do trust I am going to show him the "Carolina" way of doing things. I'm breaking out the collard greens and blackeye peas on him! LOL!!

The only thing that concerns me too is that he said that when he hung out with some of his black co-workers in Atlanta and they took him to a "black" club, he was concerned for his safety. I was like "what kind of club did you go to?"

Considering that he's also 5 years younger than me, I am not sure he will be feeling my vibe. I have never been a rump shaker, rather a neo-soul, smooth jazz type girl. You don't need bullet proof vests in those type of clubs! I will keep you posted!

 

[Valerie]

Take a deep breath, you have to ask yourself a question, do you like this man, if so, don't worry what others think, that is their problem not yours. You get to know him, you also have to ask yourself, do you want a committed relationship to lead to marriage also, if you believe in prayer, pray about this!

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I agree with taking him to places you're comfortable but also you need to ...if you are interested in him...make an effort to be comfortable in his element too. I wouldn't advise being comfy in any environment. There is a reason to be uncomfortable in an unhealthy environment but this doesn't seem to be the case. SOOOO. Now that that's out of the way let's deal with what I mean. So you say you can't do spanish dances...why don't you learn? Ask him to teach you a few. Laugh and stumble around with him before you even get to a club/lounge. My fiance loves to dance salsa (at more of a lounge or restaurant with salsa night type environment as we both don't like clubs) and I asked him to teach me, as well as meringue (he's not latino). I might have looked ridiculous the first couple of times but he said I had this big grin and so I couldn't go wrong. I really think you have to stop taking yourself so seriously and be willing to have fun, big smile and all. If you don't want to take lessons, you can also ask him what a word means here and there, and go from there picking up things as you go. I realize it can be odd somewhere where you don't speak the language but eventually it'll be old news. My fiance is a first generation american so he also speaks several other languages: so anyways though he is very polite and makes sure to speak english around me, and asks others to do so, that isn't always possible.

As for the lovely latinas...what does it matter when he has a lovely black woman on his arm? He chose you for a reason. You need to love who you are. There is no reason that anyone is better than you. We are all wonderful. What you have is what he wants so you shouldn't be insecure. Finally I just want to say, have fun. You like your man, you want to be with him...there's nothing getting in your way except you. If you decide to take life as an adventure, you won't freak when you have new experiences, and you will find that some of them will be really delightful. And finally, he's just a man. He doesn't have green blood or anything. He's not that complicated, so don't make the situation that way.

 

[MD_Lady]

...Anyway.... I am having a little trouble wrapping myself around the whole multi-cultural thing which surprises me. I had always seen myself with a black man but never ruled out a man of another race. But it seems like he only takes me to "Latin" clubs and I really don't get the music, I can't do the dances (I can barely drop it in the black clubs) and I just feel uncomfortable. I don't speak Spanish (compared to his three fluent languages), Not to mention I see all of these beautiful Latinas around and wonder why he is with me with my sisterlocks.

I am normally not insecure, but I am starting to feel a little self conscious when we go out. I just feel like "his people" are looking at us like "why is he with her"?

So.... ladies in interracial relationships.... will this pass??

Please don't do this to yourself. Any internal insecurities you have will be projected onto others (and it sounds like you've already started doing this erplexed) and sabotage an otherwise wonderful relationship.

As far as your dates go, have you provided some alternate suggestions or asked him to teach you how to dance?

BTW:

...Considering that he's also 5 years younger than me, I am not sure he will be feeling my vibe. I have never been a rump shaker, rather a neo-soul, smooth jazz type girl. You don't need bullet proof vests in those type of clubs! I will keep you posted!

And there's nothing wrong with that!!! Maybe you can take him to a lounge/club that plays your type of music for a change of pace and to expose him to a new experience.

 

[frida1980]

This isn't just an interracial relationship. This is apparently an intercultural relationship, too. While you're at a disadvantage right now, the best way to get close is to learn from him. Ask him to teach you spanish (BF and DH are the best teachers.) Ask him to teach you how to dance. Go to latin dance classes. Learn about his family. At the same time, tell him about your life. Take him to one of your laid back clubs. The more you know about the things about his life, the closer you'll get.

 

[natural2008]

Girl you will be okay. I am black but was raised around native spanish speakers in their culture and you will be okay. Just explain to him that you're not comfortable going to the clubs where you don't understand the music and cannot dance too. How about you both take a salsa class together?

 

[TinyBlu]

I agree with taking him to places you're comfortable but also you need to ...if you are interested in him...make an effort to be comfortable in his element too. I wouldn't advise being comfy in any environment. There is a reason to be uncomfortable in an unhealthy environment but this doesn't seem to be the case. SOOOO. Now that that's out of the way let's deal with what I mean. So you say you can't do spanish dances...why don't you learn? Ask him to teach you a few. Laugh and stumble around with him before you even get to a club/lounge. My fiance loves to dance salsa (at more of a lounge or restaurant with salsa night type environment as we both don't like clubs) and I asked him to teach me, as well as meringue (he's not latino). I might have looked ridiculous the first couple of times but he said I had this big grin and so I couldn't go wrong. I really think you have to stop taking yourself so seriously and be willing to have fun, big smile and all. If you don't want to take lessons, you can also ask him what a word means here and there, and go from there picking up things as you go. I realize it can be odd somewhere where you don't speak the language but eventually it'll be old news. My fiance is a first generation american so he also speaks several other languages: so anyways though he is very polite and makes sure to speak english around me, and asks others to do so, that isn't always possible.

As for the lovely latinas...what does it matter when he has a lovely black woman on his arm? He chose you for a reason. You need to love who you are. There is no reason that anyone is better than you. We are all wonderful. What you have is what he wants so you shouldn't be insecure. Finally I just want to say, have fun. You like your man, you want to be with him...there's nothing getting in your way except you. If you decide to take life as an adventure, you won't freak when you have new experiences, and you will find that some of them will be really delightful. And finally, he's just a man. He doesn't have green blood or anything. He's not that complicated, so don't make the situation that way.

This was really helpful. Yes I do have to relax. When we're together the only one who's concerned with "getting it right" is me!!! LOL!!! I am going to check out some places in my area that offers free salsa lessons (sorry.... I don't want to look totally stupid!!) and see if I can pick up a few things before we see each other again (there's some distance between us right now)

As for the Spanish, I am brushing up on it and I'm willing to see where it goes. You know what's funny though? He's already requested to go to Latin clubs when he comes to see me. I feel like he's not trying to embrace my culture at all.... We'll talk about it, but I'm taking him to get a croaker sandwich on light bread with mustard and hot sauce and some white zifi out the box!!!!

 

[frida1980]

Another thing. In Mexico, having a AA woman is definitely a status symbol. Men absolutely love me and my figure. So much so that I have to put some distance between me and them. It's the skin, the culture, the body, everything. With cubans, I'm not sure since there are a lot of black cubans too.

The point is go out there PROUD because he chose you and not them. He likes you, wants you, and is showing you off. Don't let your insecurities about their looks affect the truth, which is he wants you. Remember that when you hit those clubs.

Also, apparently black women have "ritmo de sangre" or rhythm in our blood. There's a good chance you'll be good at latin dance. Give it a try and see how it goes.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

You have gotten great advice. Dating is for having fun and enjoying each other. He may absolutely love a smooth-jazz neo-soul place, but he might not know yet that he would love it. If he's asking you to take him to Spanish-music clubs, maybe you could tell him you'll take him to one of those places if he'll go someplace that you like too.

You are special and he chose you. If he wanted a Latina chick he could have one. They are NOT prettier than you just b/c they are Latina. To him, you are exotic and alluring!

Honestly I would think the age difference would be the biggest issue, but if that's not a problem then great.

I hope you two enjoy each other's company and have a ball when you get together next.