Are These Red Flags in a Relationship?

[Crystalicequeen123]

w332

My responses are in Purple down below:

I am dating a man I like, and we are supposed to go away together on a vacation soon. But some things are not sitting well with me, and I am not even 100% thrilled about the idea of going on vacation with a man I'm not engaged/married to (but that's another complicated story). I am just wondering if you consider these red flags:

1. I get easily annoyed with him because he whines that he thinks I don't care about him enough. --This isn't really screaming "red flag" to me, as much as it's telling me that he might be a little on the insecure side perhaps?? I would need other signs of insecurity though for me to get some serious bad vibes however.
   
2. He complained that I don't already have a passport...he's a foreigner, and I'm not a frequent international traveler like he is...but I'd love to travel. --That's no-biggie to me. As long as he wasn't putting you down or berating you I don't think this is all that much of a concern.
   
3. He says he cares about his ex-girlfriend and likes her. Ummm....RED FLAG!!! Now, I'm not saying that a man should hate his ex-gf (honestly, that's not healthy either ), but when a man openly admits to still "caring" for and "liking" his ex-gf, that might give me a cause for concern. Let's just say, I'd be watching out for signs that they still "keep in touch" ykwim??
   
4. He's 33 and thinks treating me like a queen means waiting on me hand and foot (it means commitment and devotion to me- I like the simple things better than flashy displays of affection). What's the problem again?? Lol.....Seriously though, if he's being devoted, committed, AND showing me affection then I don't see what the problem is. Maybe YOUR view of "treating you like a queen" is different from HIS view....but that doesn't mean that either of your views are WRONG. They're just different! I wouldn't be hard on him for this. A lot of women would LOVE for their man to "treat them like a queen" in this manner. HOWEVER , from your post it almost seems as if you're hinting at the fact that he does all of these affectionate things for you, but yet he's not being devoted & committed. Is that the case?
   
5. He's not a practicing Christian, I am (I know that's huge-but we are college sweethearts, and my first serious relationship that didn't work out was with a practicing Christian). Well....I don't believe in being "unevenly yoked" either, but look...you're already with him. You already took that step in the first place imo. I would wait and see whether he does anything "unchrist-like" first before getting uneasy about him not being a christian like yourself.
   
6. I'm different from all the other girls he's dated- they've been asian, indian, etc., and I'm a dark skinned black girl! This one bugs me...even though he tells me I'm beautiful.

Again, no offense but I think this YOUR insecurity showing through, not anything having to do w/him. A man telling you that you're "beautiful" isn't a "red flag" imo. So what if he's dated Asian or Indian women?? Who cares?? Maybe he just likes BEAUTIFUL women regardless of race??

What do you ladies think? I've been tossing back and forth in my mind between going and not going on the trip with him...a part of me wants to go, another part doesn't because of 1-6 above. What would you do?

Personally, what I think is that what you said in your last sentence speaks volumes. I think deep down you really don't want to go on this trip with him....maybe you feel like it's too soon, or maybe you feel like you don't really know him well enough to go on a trip like this with him...and that's FINE.

I think that instead of looking for faults or "red flags", maybe you just need to communicate with him that although you like him a lot (you DO like him don't you?? ) you're just not feeling all that comfortable going on such an intimiate trip w/him alone when you barely know each other yet. Just COMMUNICATE that to him. Nobody can force you to do anything. And if he does, then you know what type of person he is...erplexed

 

[firecracker]

my mind is playing tricks on me. Its like two similar threads going on by the OP right? WTH is really going on?lachen:

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Oh wow.....I just now read this entire thread...

I wish I had read the WHOLE story before making my response earlier... erplexed



Well OP...keep us posted! Idk about this guy anymore... I thought you guys barely knew each other and THAT was your hesitation. But now I see....you DO know this guy...and quite well I might add.

I think if your gut is telling you "NO", you should listen to it.

 

[loved]

For the record, he didn't just come looking for me when the engagement was broken off-he always was attentive to me before, during, and after it. We were friends first and we always have been.

Read your own post. You're saying that he was attentive to you while he was engaged to someone else? So how attentive is he to the ex-girlfriend now? Anyway, when the right person is in your life your heart and mind will be in concert. There are some struggles you have to go through in life, but don't start out with self-inflicted wounds.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

No- I just love him, and I'm hopeful, so I will give it a try. If it doesn't work, I'll keep moving forward. I'm strong enough to bounce back from it if I'm wrong.

I don't mind people laughing- this forum is pretty annonymous, and a lot of laughers/posters don't have men themselves. Married women who are happy don't really laugh at single women like that. It would be silly/childish.

Did I just hear some shots fired?

 

[*CherryPie*]

OP, It sounds like this all boils down to self esteem problems. When describing his ex girlfrends (asian, indian) compared to you, it looks like you think of yourself as inferior to them (dark skinned black girl). What makes indians and asians better than a black girl? You have to work on that.

Another question. In what context did he say that he care about hix ex?

I didn't read the other threads that everybody in talking about so I don't now the backstory.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Do what is right for you not what feels good!

 

[w332]

I asked him why he proposed to his ex, and he said because he felt responsible to her but in the end he didn't want to make a mistake. He then said she's not a bad person or anything and he cares about her likes her.

 

[*CherryPie*]

How many of these identical threads are you gonna start. You are confusing people.

 

[w332]

Don't worry, this is the last one! I just wanted as many different opinions from ppl with different perspectievs as possible.

 

[dannie]

OP you gotta let go of the fantasy in your head of what you want him and your relationship to be like and look at reality of your situation. He is not the one and you know it intellectually but not emotionally. Let go of the dream girl, let go of the dream!

 

[*CherryPie*]

w332

Basically, everybody is saying the same thing...in both threads.

Don't worry, this is the last one! I just wanted as many different opinions from ppl with different perspectievs as possible.

 

[MzLady78]

Ok, so x amount of days and threads and responses later, do we have a resolution yet?

 

[tinkat]

I don't see a big deal on him saying that he still likes and cares about his ex. That was an honest statement. I still love and care for my ex but its not in the same way. I haven't read the whole thread yet though. If you don't feel comfortable then it's ok to let go.

Edited:

I now read the whole thread. I thought you both were together now. I would just cut my losses with him. It does seem like he kept you in his back pocket.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

My responses are in violet.

1. I get easily annoyed with him because he whines that he thinks I don't care about him enough. That is a communication issue. That can be resolved if you talk to him about why he feels this way. Find out his 'love language' so to speak.
2. He complained that I don't already have a passport...he's a foreigner, and I'm not a frequent international traveler like he is...but I'd love to travel. If he only mentions it once in a while, it's not a huge deal. As long as he's not breathing down your back and using it to insult you it's not a deal breaker. Of course if it means a lot to him it begs the question why is he with you?
   
3. He says he cares about his ex-girlfriend and likes her. I'd need a little more but on its face it's still a red flag. I get caring about an ex in that you want the best for them, but speaking of an ex on regular basis and saying you still like them is a no-no.
4. He's 33 and thinks treating me like a queen means waiting on me hand and foot (it means commitment and devotion to me- I like the simple things better than flashy displays of affection). Again, sounds like a communication/'love language' issue. You need to have an honest discussion about what you both need in a relationship.
5. He's not a practicing Christian, I am (I know that's huge-but we are college sweethearts, and my first serious relationship that didn't work out was with a practicing Christian). This isn't a deal breaker for me (as long as we respect each others religion) but I realize it is for a lot of people on this board. You need to be honest with yourself about how important that is to you.
6. I'm different from all the other girls he's dated- they've been asian, indian, etc., and I'm a dark skinned black girl! This one bugs me...even though he tells me I'm beautiful. This one is about you, not him. I'm guessing this guy isn't black and it's unfair to hold it against him that he's dated non-BW. As long as you don't feel he's dating you as a fetish, or to try it out, if the guy is telling you you're beautiful, believe him.

Overall I think you like him but you don't trust him or your relationship. And trust is big. IMO the only real red flag is the ex. The others can be worked out with honest communication. As for the trip I'd say put it on hold for now.

 

[w332]

^^^Thank you! He really does not mention his ex often...he mentioned her after I asked him why he proposed to her-he said because he felt he had a responsibility to do so after being in a relationship with her for 4.5 years.

He mentioned the complexion issue today-he said he wanted to clarify his view of it so I can be clear. He said he loves my complexion, and he asked if my family will have a problem with his skin being so fair. I told him no because I am the darkest child in my family, my siblings are light skinned, and my mom adopted my brother who is Creole and very fair (lighter than he is).

I think I was just overwhelmed. He has been my dream guy for so long, and the thought and the pressure of the trip got to me, and I came here to vent and see what other people would think.

 

[w332]

The bottom line is, I love him, so I will remain hopeful as any sane person should do. I wish everyone on here well, and I hope you guys wish me well too!

 

[Anakinsmomma]

^^^Thank you! He really does not mention his ex often...he mentioned her after I asked him why he proposed to her-he said because he felt he had a responsibility to do so after being in a relationship with her for 4.5 years.

He mentioned the complexion issue today-he said he wanted to clarify his view of it so I can be clear. He said he loves my complexion, and he asked if my family will have a problem with his skin being so fair. I told him no because I am the darkest child in my family, my siblings are light skinned, and my mom adopted my brother who is Creole and very fair (lighter than he is).

I think I was just overwhelmed. He has been my dream guy for so long, and the thought and the pressure of the trip got to me, and I came here to vent and see what other people would think.

The bottom line is, I love him, so I will remain hopeful as any sane person should do. I wish everyone on here well, and I hope you guys wish me well too!

oh. Okay.

Do you, but to answer your question, I would run.

 

[deltadreamland]

^^^Thank you! He really does not mention his ex often...he mentioned her after I asked him why he proposed to her-he said because he felt he had a responsibility to do so after being in a relationship with her for 4.5 years.

He mentioned the complexion issue today-he said he wanted to clarify his view of it so I can be clear. He said he loves my complexion, and he asked if my family will have a problem with his skin being so fair. I told him no because I am the darkest child in my family, my siblings are light skinned, and my mom adopted my brother who is Creole and very fair (lighter than he is).

I think I was just overwhelmed. He has been my dream guy for so long, and the thought and the pressure of the trip got to me, and I came here to vent and see what other people would think.

It seems as though everyone in your circle is hung up on color-color struck. Keep on living and you will eventually realize that love is about what is BEYOND the shade of the skin.

 

[Ayesha81]

It seems you just...... dont like him. cut your losses and move on.