When it comes to the black woman's hair there will never be agreement on what is sloppy, dowdy or unkempt. I believe that there are rules in a work place, but unless someone is dressed provacatively or is dirty; rules mostly apply to getting work done and regulations against sexual harassment and discrimination. Black women that get ahead in professions do so because of their brains and not because of their hair and I will state that again.
Many years ago when I worked at a non-profit I wore my hair natural to the office (in a pulled back bun) and one day decided to straighten and everyone was telling to please please continue with my hairstyle because it looked much better than my natural bun. Even my own dad was begging to give me money to maintain the pressed look. Yes, I had to admit that my hair was so thick and that the natural bun was not the most flattering but it wasn't sloppy who determines that? What if you think it's not sloppy but someone else does...again it's just a choice whether you want to continue what you're doing or not.and I wasn't trying to be JET girl of the week. And I was smart as a whip. At the end of the day, the hoopla died down over my hair and I continued to wear it in exactly the way I felt (re: I was not going to spend 5 hours no kidding on press and curl for it to revert after one shower). And to my surprise, my work continued to thrive and I even got a coveted assignmentThat's cool, but your boss didn't have a talk with you. I'm always complemented when I wear my hair down and told I should more. I don't listen either. Oh well. In OP's case, her boss pulled her to the side and asked her to do something with her hair. She can make a choice or not, and there may be consequences for them. She'll have to decide what she can live with. In your case you think wearing your hair natural is important, and dressing in a non provocative professional manner. What if someone else thought dressing sexy and wearing jeans were important? What if they worked with you, what would you think? Perhaps your view about intelligence would be prejudiced because of the way they dress. Maybe they would continue but it would change how they were promoted (or maybe you'd overlook it). It would be a choice that they make. But still no matter what we all make them.that was meant for someone else and I ended up leaving that post for law school. When people know you are on point with your brains, they don't have time to focus on your appearance (again unless you are dirty, overly sexed up or wear terribly wrinkled clothing).
Still making a choice. What if you dress sexy but are brilliant...should it matter? You'd have to find an environment where it was okay, or stand up and take the consequences (or not depending on if your boss overlooked it). In a way you're thinking you're in an environment where you're accepted, while rejecting someone else who does not look in the manner you deem appropriate. THat's what I meant by dichotomy. No matter what, it's up to the environment whether we will fit in or not, or we will have to choose to make another way into it (through external independant means). Even then, there will be other types of compromises.
Now, with that being said, I am entitled to my opinion and believe hat the boss is trying to sexualise this woman by asking her to wear her hair down for whatever reason (to attract more clients, to have a prettier female work force, etc).Maybe, or perhaps she didn't like her bun and it was not "professional" Even the op admitted it didn't look stellar. Perhaps the only time her hair was on point was when it was down so the boss used that as an example. The op even admitted she didn't know how to style her curly hair down. As for the parents, parents of that generation believe that hair that is not curled is sloppy. A hairstyle to them does not constitute buns or natural hair. I'm sure! There are many things that my parents comment on about me: why don't I do this instead of that. I think it's in the parental rulebook. In Op's case she stated she doesn't know what to do with her hair. Maybe it just shows. That's all I'm saying. She can of course continue to do nothing with it, and just thumb her noses at them. But it appears that she is open to styling her hair more, but doesn't know how. I'm natural but my hair isn't all over the place. When it's in braids, those braids are on point, when it's in cornrows, the same, when it's flat ironed it looks good. But I remember when it wasn't and it did reflect in the way I was treated.
On another side note, if the OP were a muslim woman would we all be chiming for her to lose the hijab just for a job?No but that is religious discrimination. And yes she still might have to get another job, or continue to wear her hijab, and if she wasn't promoted she'd be proud of the way she handled it. But it's still simply a choice and that's all. And it's something the OP will have to decide is important, or not. Just asking..........