More Black Women Consider 'Dating Out' (article)

[cocoberry10]

As always, everything you said is on point!

For the purpose of love and genuine attraction I think it's a yay! I think it's great for two people with a mutual respect and understanding for each others cultures to come together and to pass that joined culture on to their children.

HOWEVER

As a result of self hate or the belief that white is better then I think it's unhealthy and will only result in confused children. This is based on my own personal experiences with family members.
People generalize and stereotype other groups but complain about the same treatment. To generalize all black men as a particular way and then expect that white men or women shouldn't treat you based on assumptions and stereotypes is amusing. What if ones white DH and skipped out on a date because he figured all black women are ----?

I do think the media is pushing this (I don't know why and I don't care one way or the other), but I think in the process instead of just reporting what is a perfectly fine occurrence they seem to be reinforcing a divide between black men and women. The media seems to be pushing the "no good black men " aspect of BW/WM relationships, rather than what it should be, two people who are drawn to each other regardless of race. I feel like we're being used to take digs at black men as many black men allowed themselves to be used to take digs at us a few years ago. Why isn't the media addressing the HUGE number of white men who will only date Asian women. If I read one more article discussing how black men are statistically less educated, unemployed and over jailed I'm going to scream. We get it. We have no choice but to date non black men! What bothers me is that in the midst of the media attention on all the faults of black men there is no discussion of the causes or cures for this problem other than to date outside the race. There's no discussion on mentoring programs or correcting institutionalized racism that plays a role in the huge disparity between the education and income level between races.
_______________________________________________________________

Statements like this from the article make me said and shows the misunderstanding on both sides and fuels the anger and mistrust between black men and women. How can a child feel proud of their two heritages when one parents hold these kinds of opinions?

"But black men are voicing their own frustrations with women they feel regard them with suspicion. "They treat us all the same," said W. Randy Short, a Washington writer who dates across races. "The rapist on the TV is the same as me."

"It's a frustration director Tim Alexander tackles in "Diary of a Tired Black Man," a frank film covering everything from black women's demeanors to their weight. Frustrated by black women, the main character dates a white one."

""To a certain degree, black people are sick of each other," Alexander said. "It would be better for black men and black women to open their options."

"But Ayo Handy-Kendi, creator of Black Love Day, argues blacks are simply reacting to messages linking success with whiteness. She referred to a string of successful athletes with white partners, including golfer Tiger Woods."


"They normally rejected their culture and they went to the acceptable standard of success — a white woman," said Handy-Kendy, who thought it ironic high-achieving black women were mimicking the behavior."

 

[cocoberry10]

"It's a frustration director Tim Alexander tackles in "Diary of a Tired Black Man," a frank film covering everything from black women's demeanors to their weight. Frustrated by black women, the main character dates a white one."

"To a certain degree, black people are sick of each other," Alexander said. "It would be better for black men and black women to open their options."

If he truly believes this, then what was the point of making his film “Tired Black Man?” If we just date outside the race b/c we are sick of each other, than we do not need to “heal” our wounds as he claimed his movie had the purpose of doing!

 

[cocoberry10]

From what I've read we were doing better pre-slavery than we are now, in regards to the strength of the family.

You are correct. Statistics show that Black children during slavery were more likely to live with both of their parents than nowadays. I don’t think slavery did all the damage. I actually think the post-antebellum era and “desegregation” did the most harm to Blacks, b/c we actually “believed” we were “free.” Sadly, the same amendment that freed us from slavery is the one that’s putting so many of our Black men back into slavery (prison is a modern form of slavery, IMO).

"Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction."

 

[cocoberry10]

This is soooooooo true! Black women are not obliged to date only White men if they are going to step outside the race. I think $$$ is behind this. There is a whole industry dedicated to this, and people are getting paid! I mean PAID! Maybe I need to switch careers!

The problem is, that argument is going strong in the white community (I believe the male-female/human relationship is in great turmoil), but yet there aren't numerous articles discussing it. The number of white women who marry has been steadily dropping, the number of white males marrying Asian females steadily increases and often the men detail the same things black men say about black women, less and less white children are born to married couples and the divorce rate is nearly at 50%, yet every time I turn around it's an article or news report on the failure of black men in regards to why blcak women should date WM and oddly enough the articles rarely seem to address the other forms of couplings (black woman/asian/latino man, etc).
Nothing wrong with interracial dating, but how about some articles addressing the solutions to the problems that are leaving black men behind. It seems like the media sometimes just likes to play up the worst part of the black community, it's only when we're divided or failing that we can get ourselves on tv.

 

[cocoberry10]

I dont understand why people cant date and marry whoever the hell they want without all this blame game crappola. You dont need an excuse or even a reason to marry someone outside of your race, and you definitely dont need the opposite sex's issues to be your crutch.

ITA with you!

 

[cocoberry10]

You know, whenever an article or media piece is done on interracial dating, you can almost be certain it's going to be about black/white couples. Honestly, what's left to debate/discuss already? I personally would like the spotlight to be on IRs involving other ethnics groups for a change. For instance, I didn't know about the rise in the numbers of white men dating asian women and white men having some of the same complaints about white women that black men have about us. How many articles/tv documentaries/movies has anyone read or seen about THAT? I'm guess it will never be as much as the constant stream of media regarding who black people are dating.

None. Asian women are statistically the MOST likely to marry outside their race, whereas Asian men and Black women seem the least likely. And this is not just in America (where most of us on this board live). Go to Japan, China, and other countries in Asia, and you will see that a good portion of the women are married to non-Asian men. But they don’t hate themselves or their culture. And dating outside the race does not have to be about self-hate, IMO. The media is perpetuating the self-hatred of Blacks, and it seems like they are throwing it in our face!

 

[delp]

Tis true
Unfortunately I think the media whether deliberately or not is practicing the good ol' divide and conquer routine. Do they truly care about the "lonely and single" black woman or is it just more reason to list these unfortunate statistics. If it were about IR then why no articles on black/latino pairings or asian/white?
I think we are all more than aware and have been for decades if not generations that we have major problems within the black community. However we must now ask, what are we going to do to help the situation now that we know how dire the situation is?
Instead I see black ppl who can pontificate for hours about what's wrong with black ppl or how ashamed or uncomfortable they are around black ppl, but have nothing constructive to contribute. It's like the friend that's always down for discussing her no good husband, but when you invite her to a marriage counseling retreat she's always busy
I think some ppl like to wallow in the shame and self pity of the black communities short comings (of which there are many) to justify their secret feelings of self hate. Denial and self loathing are equally vacuous.

My approach to problem solving is this:

1. Acknowledge the problem [read: no denial]
2. Address the source/cause
3. Brainstorm for a solution
4. Proactively implement the solution.

We need to skip ahead to #4 and it starts with our "leaders" putting an end to distracting themselves with ineffective and inconsequential busy work. I'd rather Al Do-Goodie-Perm Sharpton work on equal education and early start programs in inner city communities rather than chasing down bloggers for making fun of Beyonce.

Possible solutions:
Change hearts and minds:
1) Expose kids to other career goals: other than Rappers/Entertainers/Sport Stars/....
2) Create a more equitable education system for the poor (don't let your zip code determine the type of education you receive).
3) Forget the notion of black leaders and start a grass-root movement
4) Change the standard of beauty in America. Instead of the loud, uneducated, dark skin, rude, fake hair wearing images me have accepted, create new images. Positive Images. Support those images of black women.
Show "Fantasia" as a positive love interest and beauty (without her having to pay for it herself, in her own video) instead of Bey.

Reality Check:
Over 400 years of conditioning will not be changed overnight esp. when most people in the black race don't see a problem with the state of affairs nor do they care. They refuse to acknowledge the conditioning of "good" and "bad" hair or "good and bad" genes.
The opportunities we want to have created will destroy the American way of life. Someone has to be in the bottom. This is a Capitalist Society not a Socialist Society. The Supreme Court just ruled against Plessy vs. Ferguson and No child left behind has blacks not graduating at a record pace (GA 70%), I really don't see a change in the near future.

 

[Kurlee]

...

 

[CoCoRica]

None. Asian women are statistically the MOST likely to marry outside their race, whereas Asian men and Black women seem the least likely. And this is not just in America (where most of us on this board live). Go to Japan, China, and other countries in Asia, and you will see that a good portion of the women are married to non-Asian men. But they don’t hate themselves or their culture. And dating outside the race does not have to be about self-hate, IMO. The media is perpetuating the self-hatred of Blacks, and it seems like they are throwing it in our face!

For Asian women, there is a historical context as well, not that they weren't in love, many Asian women who came from overseas married white men in the military during time like Vietnam, etc...I think in that sense Asian women married outside for better opportunity, a chance to come to America, however it is no longer the case now, it may be ingrained in there culture to marry white men, for a better future just like how white women, although for love, marry for a secure future, the go after, the doctors, the lawyers, the plastic suregeons, the Donald Trumps, just how black men that become succesful and affluent marry white or non-black, or near white looking women.

The numbers are off. There is no reason to deny that this isn't occuring. Look at our histroy, look at the black couples that are married, many times the wife is light-skinned or damn near white, or mixed.
Then you have your Diana Rosses, Iman's, Dortothy Danridge's that married white, had kids with white men, I wonder why, was it because the black men of their time and similar level werent checking for them, or because they acheived success that they needed a white man to seal the deal.

I mean at the end of day it goes both ways, but, at the end of day, black males display the lack of appreciation , adornment, and attraction to black females on a much higher level.

It's in the movies, in commericals,in music videos, things that our young black females and black males are being subjected to and I see what plays out on tv emulated by our young black males and even the ones in my age range. I'm 26.

I want more movies like Monster's Ball, BodyGuard, Something New, its time that the media start showing black women are desirable to other races as well, we are pretty, we beautiful, we are elegant, we are classy, we deserve to be loved, to be married, to be given nice things.

They say movies, commercials, etc are a reflection of our society, well I wld like to see more black women portrayed as love interests of white stars and black stars, the latina's have had their run...hell I dont care what race she is just give me a dark-n-lovely lady for once and do all other races a favor and show that dark skin is beautiful!

 

[cocoberry10]

I agree with you!

For Asian women, there is a historical context as well, not that they weren't in love, many Asian women who came from overseas married white men in the military during time like Vietnam, etc...I think in that sense Asian women married outside for better opportunity, a chance to come to America, however it is no longer the case now, it may be ingrained in there culture to marry white men, for a better future just like how white women, although for love, marry for a secure future, the go after, the doctors, the lawyers, the plastic suregeons, the Donald Trumps, just how black men that become succesful and affluent marry white or non-black, or near white looking women.

The numbers are off. There is no reason to deny that this isn't occuring. Look at our histroy, look at the black couples that are married, many times the wife is light-skinned or damn near white, or mixed.
Then you have your Diana Rosses, Iman's, Dortothy Danridge's that married white, had kids with white men, I wonder why, was it because the black men of their time and similar level werent checking for them, or because they acheived success that they needed a white man to seal the deal.

I mean at the end of day it goes both ways, but, at the end of day, black males display the lack of appreciation , adornment, and attraction to black females on a much higher level.

It's in the movies, in commericals,in music videos, things that our young black females and black males are being subjected to and I see what plays out on tv emulated by our young black males and even the ones in my age range. I'm 26.

I want more movies like Monster's Ball, BodyGuard, Something New, its time that the media start showing black women are desirable to other races as well, we are pretty, we beautiful, we are elegant, we are classy, we deserve to be loved, to be married, to be given nice things.

They say movies, commercials, etc are a reflection of our society, well I wld like to see more black women portrayed as love interests of white stars and black stars, the latina's have had their run...hell I dont care what race she is just give me a dark-n-lovely lady for once and do all other races a favor and show that dark skin is beautiful!

 

[Sasha Fierce]

I saw this exact article on CNN today. Does anyone else feel uncomfortable with this display which shows dissension among African Americans to a national/international audience? Cause I do.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

I saw this exact article on CNN today. Does anyone else feel uncomfortable with this display which shows dissension among African Americans to a national/international audience? Cause I do.

Hell yes! Especially since most of us don't care. I think its a KKKonspiracy. Maybe its a ploy by white men or bitter black women. I don't even know if I am going to marry a black man. It might not even be feasible with my standards. So what? I'm just not that concerned.

 

[Bint Yusef]

Thanks! I do agree with you .

In the red, i agree. This is why I say and 2 friends are also saying, they are no longer dating just Black men or moreso, waiting to date good black guys. We've all decided, we will go out with other raced guys. Thats all just that simple.

In the blue, it may not. Now dont think i dont date Black men. Because I seek God to match me with the RIGHT person more than anything. From what I'm seeing from friends, I want to wait , rather than say, settling with ANY man. To tell you the truth, the package I dont want is a white guy, BUT if he's good to me, thats my #1 priority.

In the purple, what would be a hard pill to swallow is that he has what i want but is ...kinda ugly, lol. Not his race...well, if he's an older white man, I just cant do it. I want a up and coming Black man, but when the time comes, we'll see.

In the green, yes, I agree.

My point is, I've SEEN the stats and problems by our men. I accept the severity of which I've typed on the board. I face it and understand it. And therefore, I am widening and changing areas in MY life in regards to what is happening with many of our Black men....that I cant ignore these truths and its bothersome what many of them are doing to ppl I know and how their failures are affecting soooo many parts of our community. The kids I know who dont have fathers, the husbands I know who are soooo disrespecting to their wives, the ladies which are 9, that dont have suitable men to date b/c many dont work, buncha kids, blah blah blah.....and the EMBARASSMENTS they cause IN PUBLIC....marrying non black or close to it most of the time, our comedians dog us out (weave queen, *****, hoodrat, etc), our musicians of today many dog us out (ho, *****, baby mama, gold digger, etc).
Thats my point.

You guys have a great day

I definitely understand you more clearly now.

 

[ShaniKeys]

I saw this exact article on CNN today. Does anyone else feel uncomfortable with this display which shows dissension among African Americans to a national/international audience? Cause I do.

I read it on CNN (online) too and I didn't like iterplexed. They quoted a black woman who's married to a white man saying something like 'white men are not the solution to all our problems but they can help'. For me personally it's never been a question of what I like to call 'choosing a flavor of ice cream' because to me all men are the same, they're essentialy MEN. Seems to me like it's an international trend or something, I've been living in Europe since like forever and I can count the amount of black couples I've seen on my one hand...

 

[LaNecia]

And the war rages on.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

And the war rages on.

You must want to die with that photo.
Ur the first casuality......

Its shouldn't be a war, tho.

 

[LaNecia]

You must want to die with that photo.
Ur the first casuality......


Its shouldn't be a war, tho.

You're absolutely right, it shouldn't be.

If I'm the first casualty that's fine, I'll take my bullet unblindfoled. All I know is I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and he treats me like a princess.

Fire when ready.

 

[JewelleNY]

I think people should find happiness where they can and not limit themselves based on race. We need to move into a new era anyway

 

[JamericanGurl]

I think people should find happiness where they can and not limit themselves based on race. We need to move into a new era anyway

I just wish the focus of these articles were more about finding love were you find it as opposed to the underlined...Knee-grow ain't shyt message

 

[jasmin]

It's a very sad article but I think if things were different and we were treated like gold by our own men perhaps there would be no need to look outside as they say.

My thing is if they are looking else where specifically (especially when they think less of us) like they must do their own mother then why not look for love no matter what race.

 

[cocoberry10]

I just wish the focus of these articles were more about finding love were you find it as opposed to the underlined...Knee-grow ain't shyt message

I agree. And I think some people are taking it so much to heart that they are forgetting that random nice black man that held the door for you, etc. Date whoever you want and like, that should be the message. Period. Any other message about IR is polluted, IMO!

 

[TaraDyan]

I've never dated anyone outside my race ... never even entertained the thought. Now, after all these years, I'm beginning to at least think about the possibility. This is a huge step for me.

 

[Honey]

I just wish the focus of these articles were more about finding love were you find it as opposed to the underlined...Knee-grow ain't shyt message

I agree - I don't have any issue with IR relationships, but I don't like the way black men and women are pitted against one another and whites are presented as the solution to our problems.

~Honey

 

[Eiano]

I read this and thought of LHCF thinking "Oh boy, here we go again." Then come to find out the lady in the pic is actually a LHCF member??!

I'm sick of this.... I've said all I need to say about this whole topic and read all I need to. I'm actually tired of seeing people entertain these in the sense that it's like "Oh don't worry Black Woman, yours will come some day. Just keep hope alive."

F it.

 

[JewelleNY]

I just wish the focus of these articles were more about finding love were you find it as opposed to the underlined...Knee-grow ain't shyt message

I agree

 

[northernbelle]

I don't necessarily consider it "dating out", but more expanding one's options. Look, we're all human, and, I think it's more important to date and marry someone who is going to love you and treat you right. That doesn't necessarily mean a person of the same race.

 

[asubeauty]

I just wish the focus of these articles were more about finding love were you find it as opposed to the underlined...Knee-grow ain't shyt message

I agree. Are articles like these designed to make single black women lose all hope?

I even had a friend tell me that if I didn't have a boyfriend by the time I graduated from college, I'd pretty much never have anyone because "there aren't any black men in grad school."

 

[bravenewgirl87]

I read this and thought of LHCF thinking "Oh boy, here we go again." Then come to find out the lady in the pic is actually a LHCF member??!

I'm sick of this.... I've said all I need to say about this whole topic and read all I need to. I'm actually tired of seeing people entertain these in the sense that it's like "Oh don't worry Black Woman, yours will come some day. Just keep hope alive."

F it.

Shut Ur Mouth! Sacre blu!

i honestly don't care. I cannot fathom myself being married to a black man because I cannot think any further than my grades in college.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I agree. Are articles like these designed to make single black women lose all hope?

I even had a friend tell me that if I didn't have a boyfriend by the time I graduated from college, I'd pretty much never have anyone because "there aren't any black men in grad school."

No they are not, they are showing that Black women are starting to be able to free themselves from burdens, taboos and stereotypes just like Black men have.

Black men dating out is in many cases an openminded action whereby they see someone they like and go for it. With Black women and sexism that hits all females, we dont get those same privilages of openmindedness without iminent threat of the Black card/Black loyalty/backbone to the Black race being revoked.

Even as a person who grew up around all White people I had some serious guilt issues with IR, sometimes you dont even know until you are in the situation.

Happiness is paramount, I still love Black men and I dont think that will ever change. Thats why I dont tell Black women to go out with White men, its about trying to find someone who you feel compatible with but if you dont come into contact with the desired dont be afraid to accept love from other races.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

I wish they would stop telling people thar IR relationships are this easy. WTF? You're not just balancing two cultures, you're balancing two different races... hello???