men & the rules

[kismettt]

since "the rules" is really popular, and well discussed in media. are men aware?


SO told me a few months ago that when we first met (2 years ago) he "knew" i was following "the rules", but he liked me so much he let it slide. he doesn't like games, he is very straight foward & expects the same. i wasn't following them (have never read the book, don't believe in games either). i was just me. erplexed idk how much he knows about the rules, but i thought it was an interesting comment.

has "the rules"/other dating advice books for women come up in your relationship (as far as discussing it/him thinking or "knowing" you were following them)

eta: i talked to SO about the Steve Harvey book because my mom bought it for me. Interesting choice only in that she is a white woman & i'm a black woman & i can just imagine her seeing it on Oprah or something & thinking "MY DAUGHTER SHOULD READ THIS" lol. She meant well. he read his mom's copy. i guess he wanted to know how men think too . i don't recall him being very impressed. my friend is reading it right now.

 

[AstroQueen77]

Following the Rules is not game playing...it is basically respecting yourself and what you want..not loosing yourself which is what many women tend to do with guys. Those books have never come up...but I can see a case where a woman has to "fake it until she makes it" and the guy can pick up on this..

 

[Bunny77]

I agree. I don't consider the Rules to be playing games at all. It's setting a standard as to how you wish (and expect) to be treated.

That being said, I also believe there's room for some tweaks depending on one's personality and the circumstances with the person she's dating. When I dated the businessman who traveled frequently, I was fine with him calling the night before for a date -- sometimes, he might not have known when he was going to be returning home, so he couldn't plan in advance. However, if he tried to call me after 10 p.m. saying that he wanted to see me, well, that would have been out of line on his part.

The interesting thing though is that "The Rules" really fell in line with how I felt about dating anyway, and all of this so-called "being real" that everyone says is soooo authentic was actually taking ME out of my true nature. So if there was any game playing, it was me playing myself by being talked into some mess that wasn't me.

Did men know I was following "The Rules?" I think a few did... I think a growing number know about certain books and hot-button dating topics and are versed in them. No man ever said anything to me about my behavior in particular though in terms of asking if I was following a certain book or anything.

And if they did, I didn't care. They could find someone else if they didn't like my expectations.

 

[kismettt]

Following the Rules is not game playing...it is basically respecting yourself and what you want..not loosing yourself which is what many women tend to do with guys. Those books have never come up...but I can see a case where a woman has to "fake it until she makes it" and the guy can pick up on this..

it can be game playing if it's not who you are/how you act. if you are following guidelines for dating, that's a game. not saying that you shouldn't because early in dating you don't know who he is/what he is & some guys need those guidelines to "act right". my ex was one of them. i didn't realize that until after we broke up & i saw who he dated after me. it may have been their personality, but their personality aligned with the rules. so for me to get him to come correctly, i'd have to follow the rules. and to me, that's game playing because that's not who i am.

 

[AstroQueen77]

I dot know, I still just see The Rules or WMLB as proper behavior modification for women who are dating or in a relationship so that they make it clear to guys what they want by their actions as well as protecting themselves from being taken advantage of. There is nothing manipulative about these guidelines..most women who have been told common sense by their mothers do most of these things anyway...But, a lot of woman have been taught to "be nice" and accomodating from men who are inconsiderate or just downright disrespectful. How can it be a game to behave in a manner that does not tolerate BS?

And, even if the guy sensed that I had standards and is bold enough to say that I am game playing...he can step. That is a red flag there...

 

[kismettt]

I dot know, I still just see The Rules or WMLB as proper behavior modification for women who are dating or in a relationship so that they make it clear to guys what they want by their actions as well as protecting themselves from being taken advantage of. There is nothing manipulative about these guidelines..most women who have been told common sense by their mothers do most of these things anyway...But, a lot of woman have been taught to "be nice" and accomodating from men who are inconsiderate or just downright disrespectful. How can it be a game to behave in a manner that does not tolerate BS?

And, even if the guy sensed that I had standards and is bold enough to say that I am game playing...he can step. That is a red flag there...

like i said, my SO is straight forward. i'm not sure what made him think i was following "the rules" since I have never read it & don't believe it (i learn from my mistakes, how i acted in the past didn't work, maybe i should try XYZ), i couldn't model a book, i'd fail. if he told me i was game playing after a month i'd be like ??? and ask why. if his response had anything that implied he had a problem with me having "standards", then i'd be like "there is something wrong with you. peace". but when he says it after a year & a half, i'm like "?? ive never read the book so idk what you are talking about. i guess you have, you are dumb" because i know he has standards for how he treats women/me.

i guess i feel comfortable talking to my SO about anything & we do talk about dating advice books & what we think of them. we are younger (20 & 21, so idk if older people talk about stuff like that) i do wish i had asked him if he had actually read the book, or took what he saw on TV (or w/e) & decided that I was doing that. i'm not sure.

i do think what he said was funny because it was unexpected & so not what i was doing. & tbh the type of man he is, i wouldn't think he's keeping tabs on the newest pop culture dating phenomenon.

idk anyone who actually has read the rules & claims to follow them irl (my friends are either in serious long term relationships/1 who is married or casually dating for fun) but i do know some of the casual daters are game players. who in theory are following the rules/things similar but are really just messing with guys heads....not sure why. and i assume the guys don't know or else they wouldn't allowed themselves to be played like that.


but what i really want to know is if guys are aware of it & think they can "spot" it.

 

[Seraphina]

since "the rules" is really popular, and well discussed in media. are men aware?


SO told me a few months ago that when we first met (2 years ago) he "knew" i was following "the rules", but he liked me so much he let it slide. he doesn't like games, he is very straight foward & expects the same. i wasn't following them (have never read the book, don't believe in games either). i was just me. erplexed idk how much he knows about the rules, but i thought it was an interesting comment.

has "the rules"/other dating advice books for women come up in your relationship (as far as discussing it/him thinking or "knowing" you were following them)

eta: i talked to SO about the Steve Harvey book because my mom bought it for me. Interesting choice only in that she is a white woman & i'm a black woman & i can just imagine her seeing it on Oprah or something & thinking "MY DAUGHTER SHOULD READ THIS" lol. She meant well. he read his mom's copy. i guess he wanted to know how men think too . i don't recall him being very impressed. my friend is reading it right now.

My white grandmother does things like this, too. She buys damn near anything that appears to be for black women and often thinks I should meet whatever random black person she's interacted with recently.

All I can really say about The Rules thing that hasn't been said yet is that men can complain about chicks who follow such standards, but I can't take them seriously because it seems that the majority of them go after women like this, so...

 

[Bunny77]

All I can really say about The Rules thing that hasn't been said yet is that men can complain about chicks who follow such standards, but I can't take them seriously because it seems that the majority of them go after women like this, so...

Pretty much.

Men say a lot of stuff about how they wouldn't date a woman who does this, that and the third (or "play games"), but when they want a certain woman, they usually disregard whatever they've said and go after said woman.