Marry Him?

[MrsHdrLe]

My boyfriend just asked me to marry him (after eight years). I didn't really give him an ultimatum, but I did move out (we'd lived together for 2 years) saying that when he's ready to "do right" I'd come back. Well, a month later, he asked me to marry him on my birthday ( he said that was his plan and I believe him b/c he paid cash on the spot for the ring...a nice one!!!). But now the surprise and giddyness has worn off and I wonder if I settled. Granted I still love him and I honestly love him more now than before b/c he knew this was important to me and stepped up, but I have doubts b/c I had to move out in order to get him there. I wonder if he just didn't want someone else to get me.
Would you marry this guy?



:update::update::update: Page 2
I know this is an old thread, but I didn't think it warranted a new one seeing as how I don't have pictures yet ;/

 

[Mena]

Follow your instincts...that gut feeling...

 

[cheetarah1980]

How old are you?

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I'm 37, never married (he's 44 12 years divorced)

 

[hopeful]

Don't move back in with him until after you are married.

We don't know him so none of us can know for sure if he's sincere but many men never step up to the plate no matter what.

It sounds like he needed a little push. Eight years is a long time to be dating without an engagement. Good for you for putting your foot down. If you decide to marry him enjoy every single moment, the planning, finding the dress, etc. Be happy.

 

[Vinyl]

This isn't something a forum can answer for you. You have to look into your heart and really figure out if this is the person you want to marry.

 

[FlowerHair]

Don't let a poll at LHCF decide for you...
Good luck!

 

[BeautifulFlower]

This is definitely something we cant answer for you. Your instinct and prayers are the only thing that will get you your answer. Men often need a push but like Hopeful said you need to meet him at the alter before you move back in.

 

[-Volare]

I agree with everyone else, go with your instinct. Pray on it (if you're a religious person) and really think about it b/c it's a big decision. Good luck with whatever you decide and let us know!

 

[Xavier]

Do you want to marry him?

The alternative is to continue being his girlfriend, or breakup with him and find someone else, so...

 

[caltron]

Since you're saying you love him more than ever, I don't think you're settling. So did you move out because he had not proposed yet or were there other issues?

If the only issue was the fact he hadn't proposed, then I don't see why shouldn't as long as there weren't other issues. You said he had been married before so he doesn't have a problem with commitment. You told him to come correct and he did step up to the plate.

So the only thing left to do now is to make sure you really want it--though I have a feeling you do since you've been with him so long.

 

[cheetarah1980]

I agree that LHCF can't answer this question for you. Given both of your ages it does make me wonder why it took 8 years (2 of them living together) to get to this point. What barriers kept you two from marrying after the 2 year or even 5 year mark?

 

[Angelicus]

Humph. I wonder what has taken him so long "to see the light." I can't tell you what to do but... look, you need to pray. Get off LHCF and start praying.

Ladies, we need to start dating leaders and not indecisive men that can't figure out what they want to do.

 

[Xerxes]

Humph. I wonder what has taken him so long "to see the light." I can't tell you what to do but... look, you need to pray. Get off LHCF and start praying.

Ladies, we need to start dating leaders and not indecisive men that can't figure out what they want to do.

Don't be fooled, these men know what they want to do, just listen to Drake and Lil Wayne's latest hit...And OP, I'll just come out and say it, DON'T MARRY HIM! If you felt the need to create a poll for absolute strangers' advice, then you are too unsure to marry him. You gave that man 8 years of your life that you can never get back and still you feel unsettled about him, don't waste another minute. Slap yourself and find out why you settled for 8 years and don't do that dumb *ish ever again!

 

[Kerryann]

ooohhh you have to figure this one out by yourself babes te second guesting should lead you on the right path pray and fast and you will get an answer

 

[misstobz]

Maybe both of you should consider going for pre-marriage counselling, where both of you can be open up-fears, hopes, wants and needs. Then maybe after you have gone through these discussions you can decide if you still want to spend the rest of your life with him. I am not sure what your religious beliefs, but this is a very important desicion, if you pray about it trust me you will get an answer as to whether or not this is God's will for you.

 

[sunflower]

Please seek a professional marriage counselor for pre-marital counseling. I do not know why he waited so long to ask you but maybe it is because he was married before. I do think that eight years is long enough to get over those fears but everyone is different. It sounds like you love this man and you have waited eight years. It bothers me that you had to move out to get him to propose. Maybe this is something the marriage counselor can touch on and get out in the open. In my opinion, if he has a fear of marriage that needs to be addressed before you walk down the isle. I hope it all works out for you and you have the wedding that you waited so long for.

 

[MuseofTroy]

My boyfriend just asked me to marry him (after eight years). I didn't really give him an ultimatum, but I did move out (we'd lived together for 2 years) saying that when he's ready to "do right" I'd come back. Well, a month later, he asked me to marry him on my birthday ( he said that was his plan and I believe him b/c he paid cash on the spot for the ring...a nice one!!!). But now the surprise and giddyness has worn off and I wonder if I settled. Granted I still love him and I honestly love him more now than before b/c he knew this was important to me and stepped up, but I have doubts b/c I had to move out in order to get him there. I wonder if he just didn't want someone else to get me.
Would you marry this guy?

If you think you settled then you probably did. Don't go into marriage with doubts in your head. Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Who you decide to marry and have children with will determine the rest of your life and how well off your offspring are. I would honestly make a list of pros and cons of marrying this person. Also I highly recommend that you guys go through six months of couples counseling. Seriously!

 

[princessnad]

What makes you think you settled?
What issues did you have before moving out?

 

[Ivonnovi]

I say do it. BUT I also have to ask if he is a procrastinator? Does he often have to be pushed into decisions? ....Is this how you want to live?

If the answer to the latter is NO; then do what it takes ...to work with him on improving in that area...

If that task is unattractive to you,.....then NO, don't do it. You and him will be miserable; but you'd be miserable together.

 

[msa]

Don't be fooled, these men know what they want to do, just listen to Drake and Lil Wayne's latest hit...And OP, I'll just come out and say it, DON'T MARRY HIM! If you felt the need to create a poll for absolute strangers' advice, then you are too unsure to marry him. You gave that man 8 years of your life that you can never get back and still you feel unsettled about him, don't waste another minute. Slap yourself and find out why you settled for 8 years and don't do that dumb *ish ever again!

Completely agree, especially the bold.

You stayed with him for 8 years and had to move out before he proposed to you?

If you have to ask whether you settled, you already know the answer.

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

If you are having doubts, don't do it.

 

[MizzBrown]

8 Years?

 

[chocolat79]

Well, from my conversations with men, most men wouldn't even get married, unless some kind of pressure was put on them or standards set up from the beginning. Therefore, as you saw, when you moved out, that was the "pressure". The thing is, if you've been with him for 8 years and lived with him for 2, you've been doing everything a wife does, so what incentive did he have to marry you? Seriously. So, once you moved out, he realized you were serious and that he had to make a move (a serious one), so then you got the proposal.

One of my coworkers lived with his wife and said that if she hadn't "pressured" him, he probably would have never gotten married. It seems you weren't that pressed before OR let him know that you were pressed, so he continued doing what he was doing because he obviously saw no reason to change, until you made a change. I can't answer that question about marrying him, but he did what a man who wants you does when he's realized it's end of the line for the current situation. I don't think it's an indication that he's a bad guy or anything, but you let him relax for the past 8 years and since you were cool so was he. What I wouldn't do tho, is have a long engagement. Just my $.02

 

[growth2come]

Maybe because of the divorce he thought there was no point in going to the alter if after 8 years things have been alright. 1. what will this change for you? 2. If you have to push him to pop the question how many more things are you going to have to push him on i.e starting a family? 3. I think you need a chat with this man, an honest chat because you wont find the answers you are looking for in this forum!....A sit down with this man and ask him what really prompted him to finally ask, if it was panick that suddenly no one to wash, clean, or cook for him? I say keep that stone and move on...(forget that last part...) Like I said a long talk is what you need then you can step back and ask yourself if you want to spend another 8 years or the rest of your life with this man. I wish you all the best.

 

[growth2come]

Humph. I wonder what has taken him so long "to see the light." I can't tell you what to do but... look, you need to pray. Get off LHCF and start praying.

Ladies, we need to start dating leaders and not indecisive men that can't figure out what they want to do.

Don't be fooled, these men know what they want to do, just listen to Drake and Lil Wayne's latest hit...And OP, I'll just come out and say it, DON'T MARRY HIM! If you felt the need to create a poll for absolute strangers' advice, then you are too unsure to marry him. You gave that man 8 years of your life that you can never get back and still you feel unsettled about him, don't waste another minute. Slap yourself and find out why you settled for 8 years and don't do that dumb *ish ever again!

Please seek a professional marriage counselor for pre-marital counseling. I do not know why he waited so long to ask you but maybe it is because he was married before. I do think that eight years is long enough to get over those fears but everyone is different. It sounds like you love this man and you have waited eight years. It bothers me that you had to move out to get him to propose. Maybe this is something the marriage counselor can touch on and get out in the open. In my opinion, if he has a fear of marriage that needs to be addressed before you walk down the isle. I hope it all works out for you and you have the wedding that you waited so long for.

8 Years?

I dont agree with some of the comments....one she didnt give him 8 years of her life...she had to share in 8 years of his too. As far as him waiting so long I think you have to take responsibility for that too(You let if go on for this long - sorry).

I think we, women sometimes are so quick to say oh he is taking his time, what took him so long....If you let me get comfortable and think that you are happy with the situation or that marriage is not that important, GUESS WHAT? 8 years will pass you too then you be back in the forum asking for advice as well.

What you have to ask yourself is what made you all of the sudden what to get married after 8 years?...was it a chat with a BFF that rocked the boat? You were ok with the situation until something changed, yes he has now poped the question but you owe it to yourself to find out whether you are marrying this man because someone suddenly said "he should make an honest woman out of you..." I hope you know what I mean. Do you want to get married or do you feel you need to because....

You have a lot of questions to ask yourself more than the questions you have for this man....I am sorry if I sounded harsh but I dont think we should be quick to point at the men when we are as much responsible for the situations we find ourselves in. So now that you are not living together use this time to really find out what YOU want! Goodluck.

 

[FluffyRed]

Well, from my conversations with men, most men wouldn't even get married, unless some kind of pressure was put on them or standards set up from the beginning. ...

One of my coworkers lived with his wife and said that if she hadn't "pressured" him, he probably would have never gotten married.

I believe I read the same thing around here regarding Barack and Michelle.

Same with a lot of men. Someone referenced a book here on marriage stats and in most cases the woman had to exert some pressure to get the man down the aisle.

That your man stepped up after getting pressured is not indicative of any flaw of his.

I'm wondering what your hesitation is, now that you got what you wanted.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I just read over the comments and the big wait was the fact that i was a single mom and wanted things to go slow at first. So for the first 5 years, I didn't want to bring in my son and his son until we knew we were right for each other. I moved in with him when my son was 15 and went to live with his dad so that I wouldn't be spending so much money for a 2bed/2bath house. My son did move back with me about a year later and we all got along pretty well, but then he was dragging his feet on moving to the next level, he said because now his son needed him ( he was 11 or 12 at the time). His family has been wonderful about the engagement and I love them too. I guess after the intial surprise, i began to think that the fact that I did move out pushed him. I was fine with dating him just not living with him indefinitely (sp?). He has been really great lately though, supportive, helpful, considerate, and I believe he had a plan to get engaed because be paid cash outright for my ring (he wanted me to choose it). There was not sky writing or big magical proposal on the beach, just a simple dinner date with some of our friends that night when he took out the ring we chose and "popped the question"
So to answer the question about why so long, it was because we were both raising kids (we each have one), but when my son turned 18, I got restless. And of course, yes, he was getting the milk for free, I can admit that. But I guess I wanted to know generally what other women would do. I get it, most of your would be running in the other direction. I guess we'll see what happens in marriage counseling. I have until May 15th to decide either way. Thanks for your honest opinions.

 

[sunflower]

I just read over the comments and the big wait was the fact that i was a single mom and wanted things to go slow at first. So for the first 5 years, I didn't want to bring in my son and his son until we knew we were right for each other. I moved in with him when my son was 15 and went to live with his dad so that I wouldn't be spending so much money for a 2bed/2bath house. My son did move back with me about a year later and we all got along pretty well, but then he was dragging his feet on moving to the next level, he said because now his son needed him ( he was 11 or 12 at the time). His family has been wonderful about the engagement and I love them too. I guess after the intial surprise, i began to think that the fact that I did move out pushed him. I was fine with dating him just not living with him indefinitely (sp?). He has been really great lately though, supportive, helpful, considerate, and I believe he had a plan to get engaed because be paid cash outright for my ring (he wanted me to choose it). There was not sky writing or big magical proposal on the beach, just a simple dinner date with some of our friends that night when he took out the ring we chose and "popped the question"
So to answer the question about why so long, it was because we were both raising kids (we each have one), but when my son turned 18, I got restless. And of course, yes, he was getting the milk for free, I can admit that. But I guess I wanted to know generally what other women would do. I get it, most of your would be running in the other direction. I guess we'll see what happens in marriage counseling. I have until May 15th to decide either way. Thanks for your honest opinions.

I have seen these situations many time and imo there is nothing wrong with it. IMO, you have a good reason to take your time especially when because their was an child involved. It can be hard for an older child to accept changes such as the changes you were going through. This entire story makes more sense to me now that I have read this post. As far as living with him- well that is already done now- imo there is nothing wrong with that either. There is no set formula for how these things work out. IMO, you were not wrong for wanting to take things slow because of your child. I wish you the best. Just because the majority of the people who posted stated they would not wait does not mean that it was wrong for you. You did what you thought was best for you.

 

[aa9746]

Maybe both of you should consider going for pre-marriage counselling, where both of you can be open up-fears, hopes, wants and needs. Then maybe after you have gone through these discussions you can decide if you still want to spend the rest of your life with him. I am not sure what your religious beliefs, but this is a very important desicion, if you pray about it trust me you will get an answer as to whether or not this is God's will for you.

Sounds like good advice