Married Ladies I need your advice

TRINITY05

TRINITY05

New Member
I have been married for eight years now. As of now, the both of us are on vacation and we are having a wonderful time. We had a conversation earlier today about our relationship and he told me that he would be so happy if I could try to loosen up a bit. He says when we go out, I'm always trying to watch what I eat(I like to workout and eat healthy and I do it in moderation) I never drink alcohol(always ordering a virgin daiquiri) and when I talk I talk very quietly(no projection in my voice). He says he loves me but I really need to loosen up.

Honestly, I am only being myself and I'm not too sure if I can make these changes overnight. Any suggestions?
 
This is tough- this is not an SO but a DH and I'm not sure if people would or would NOT encourage you to "expand." I'll try...

Do you think that his need is strong enough that he might enjoy it with outside folks? For example there are things that I just don't do but....I might try it with a DH and even with an SO. But I don't think I'm changing myself either.

Ill say this, if its really uncomfortable for you to eat a greasy burger and have a beer and laugh out loud once in a while than perhaps he'll have to enjoy you as you are. BUT if his request is not encroaching so greatly on your values, then I say chew that burger, get frizzy drunk and wil'out :)

I don't know what your marriage vows were but think back to them too...

I hope it all works out, it's not an easy decision, follow your heart, your gut and be happy!

ETA- based on your last question, it sounds like how quickly you can make the changes was your focus and not whether you should. Correct?
If so, maybe you can talk to him about adding some "fun" in slow increments? Let him help you with the changes. I think any small attempt should be appreciated so don't worry about speed...
 
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TRINITY05 said:
I have been married for eight years now. As of now, the both of us are on vacation and we are having a wonderful time. We had a conversation earlier today about our relationship and he told me that he would be so happy if I could try to loosen up a bit. He says when we go out, I'm always trying to watch what I eat(I like to workout and eat healthy and I do it in moderation) I never drink alcohol(always ordering a virgin daiquiri) and when I talk I talk very quietly(no projection in my voice). He says he loves me but I really need to loosen up.

Honestly, I am only being myself and I'm not too sure if I can make these changes overnight. Any suggestions?
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eight years? Did he not know who you were prior to that? I would wonder why he would just say something about this 8 years (longer if you include your dating phase) later....and why is this now a problem.

With that said... Im also sure he isn't expecting you to change overnight. Maybe have a little lightweight drink since you're on vacation..and start there!
 
Maybe he changed and wanted her to start doing what he does a little more. Maybe she didn't always eat healthy etc etc

This is exactly why relationships are ever evolving because people change, want to explore new things...you just hope that the changes don't break you apart.
 
Fine 4s said:
Maybe he changed and wanted her to start doing what he does a little more. Maybe she didn't always eat healthy etc etc

This is exactly why relationships are ever evolving because people change, want to explore new things...you just hope that the changes don't break you apart.
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No, he didn't change and he knew I was this way in the beginning. I guess he thought I would open up more and I didn't. By the way, I don't eat healthy all the time, I just try to do it in moderation. I think he wants me to eat and drink whatever when I am with him. He wants me to relax and just order a burger with fries and stop counting carbs and sugar:) He says I am not living because I am worried about every little thing.
 
Can you find a middle ground? Maybe share a bottle of wine & have a decadent meal together while on vacation? Do you have something you have always wanted to try but it's outside your norm (could be anything). Try sharing that new experience with him. To me it sounds like he wants to share new experiences with his wife. Plus you are around that 7-8 year mark... It's a notorious timeframe in a relationship where men & women get to feeling like they are stuck in a rut. Don't change what is inherently YOU... But try things as a couple that are not the norm for
you both.
 
i'm not married but i'm a seasoned drinker and i take it upon myself to ensure that the less experienced engaged responsibly.

if you're gonna start i agree with a glass of wine with dinner. One glass of red wine is good for your heart anyway. But I would actually start with something light and sweet, like a riesling.

I just don't want you to start drinking all heavy and then you get sick and it put you off of alcohol for the rest of your life because that would be bad. alcohol is great :)
 
Fine 4s said:
Maybe he changed and wanted her to start doing what he does a little more. Maybe she didn't always eat healthy etc etc

This is exactly why relationships are ever evolving because people change, want to explore new things...you just hope that the changes don't break you apart.
Click to expand...

I can understand that,....but the things he mentioned were minor IMHO...I just wondered why it took 8 years of marriage for it to be mentioned.
 
I wish I had those problems (and I'm sure, secretly, my DH wished that I did too). I'm the exact opposite of what you describe. Especially after a drink or too. I wish I was more like you.
 
It's so weird that there are some unmarried people commenting in this thread when she specifically asked for married women. :lol:
 
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just let your hair down a little. don't over indulge. have a fruity cocktail, get up a dance, wear a sexy outfit, get into character, and flirt your butt off with him, try a nice dessert, etc.... keep the spice going. he may just want things to be a little more spicy. he isn't asking for much. especially, if you are on vacation!

i became a real prude when i got married and had kids. i wasn't very much fun anymore and i kinda had my nose up in the air.
 
If that is who you are and who you have been then he just needs to deal with it. Dh has always commented about how he wished I would dress more casual, but I told him that I've dressed this way since you met me. I have tried to compromise every now and then, but otherwise i'm going to be me. I think that's what you should tell your dh. You should also ask him if that's what he really wants or if someone has been in his ear telling him these things. I agree it's weird that he's bringing up minor things and after eight years.
 
Do you actively comment on the amount of carbs, calories in food when you order. If so, you can keep track of those things without making it obvious that you are. Maybe the problem is that you talk about it? (if you talk about it) and that is what makes him think you are obsessing over food.

As far as the drinking, I can't help you with that because I don't drink either.

If he thinks you are wound up tight maybe it's things you are voicing rather than things you are doing?

I don't think there is anything wrong with a little give and take in a marriage. He wasn't required to know every little thing he might ever want out of you on the day you got married. People evolve and their needs change...although I wouldn't necessarily refer to his requests as needs. :lol: It sounds like he's just concerned that you relax and have a good time and the things he mentioned are the ways he thinks would facilitate that. It doesn't sound like he's trying to turn you into a whole other person.

I would not make a big deal about this either. You are on vacation and vacation is not the time to interrogate each other. The point is to enjoy, not create issues. Discuss issues when you get home. Also if you are going to ask him how he came to these conclusions I do not suggest asking him if someone has been in his ear. IMO, you need to find a more stealth way to get the answer to your question if you want an answer without sounding accusatory.

Also, is this one of few times he's asked you to make these changes or is he asking you to change things frequently over the last 8 years. I think that makes a big difference.
 
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Personally I'm of the belief that if your DH is bringing everything to the table there is nothing wrong in pleasing him. Especially if what he asks is so little from what you say. Yes, have a few drinks once in a while, party with him no biggie. You are not going to become fat and diabetic from having a few drinks or less healthy meals once in a while.
As for me I love a true Alpha male hubby and if he wants something from me, within reason I'll do it. People can and do change and sometimes we have to go with the flow.
BTW been married 12 years, 2 kids, size 6, eat clean, rarely drink, workout loads so I know where you are coming from.

ETA: I agree it's worth finding out why he has brought this up now unless its been alluded to over the years. It makes me wonder about the communication between you two as well; is he feeling relaxed now you're on vacation? Or is he open with you most of the time?
 
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letskeepntouch said:
Do you actively comment on the amount of carbs, calories in food when you order. If so, you can keep track of those things without making it obvious that you are. Maybe the problem is that you talk about it? (if you talk about it) and that is what makes him think you are obsessing over food.

As far as the drinking, I can't help you with that because I don't drink either.

If he thinks you are wound up tight maybe it's things you are voicing rather than things you are doing?

I don't think there is anything wrong with a little give and take in a marriage. He wasn't required to know every little thing he might ever want out of you on the day you got married. People evolve and their needs change...although I wouldn't necessarily refer to his requests as needs. :lol: It sounds like he's just concerned that you relax and have a good time and the things he mentioned are the ways he thinks would facilitate that. It doesn't sound like he's trying to turn you into a whole other person.

I would not make a big deal about this either. You are on vacation and vacation is not the time to interrogate each other. The point is to enjoy, not create issues. Discuss issues when you get home. Also if you are going to ask him how he came to these conclusions I do not suggest asking him if someone has been in his ear. IMO, you need to find a more stealth way to get the answer to your question if you want an answer without sounding accusatory.

Also, is this one of few times he's asked you to make these changes or is he asking you to change things frequently over the last 8 years. I think that makes a big difference.
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No, I never comment on the carbs and sugar when ordering food. I have to admit that when we are home, I may make a comment or two about me not being able to have this or that because its fattening. Yes, you are right about him thinking that I am obsessed over what I eat. He really just wants me to relax and enjoy life.

To answer your second question, yes he has said something before about the above items in my original post but I ignored them because I was selfish and didn't care to change my ways.
 
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I agree with the PP who said maybe there is a middle ground and that marriages are ever-evolving.

I'd be glad that my dh told me directly what he wanted. Not meaning I'd all of a sudden start bending over backwards and do a total personality flip. I'd just take it into serious consideration and indulge every once in a while.

I know my dh likes when we go out to eat at a new restaurant, I just order my entree directly off the menu and don't take off or add anything. I'm like, just gimme alladat (calories, fat, carbs :giggle:). However, most of the time, I watch what I eat without telling him. I eat my healthy choices and don't make a big deal out of it.

Relax and eat healthy. There's nothing wrong with doing both. Men can see it as being negative (read: complaining) if we keep saying what we can't eat. Remember, this is your husband. You see each other everyday. You may not think you sound negative, but he might.

You know they want us to be happy and smiling. That translates to us being happy with them and our marriage.
 
TRINITY05 said:
No, I never comment on the carbs and sugar when ordering food. I have to admit that when we are home, I may make a comment or two about me not being able to have this or that because its fattening. Yes, you are right about him thinking that I am obsessed over what I eat. He really just wants me to relax and enjoy life.

T answer your second question, yes he has said something before about the above items in my original post but I ignored them because I was selfish and didn't care to change my ways.
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Yeah, keep the dietary commentary to yourself.

Indulging and being decadent one night doesn't mean change. It means you care :) Surprise him. You call all the shots. Get some chocolate, a bottle of good champagne, some silky underthings and good perfume. Be that "other woman" for your man. If only for one night.

Sent from my typophilic iPhone using LHCF
 
I agree with finding a middle ground but at your own pace. As for projecting your voice perhaps he wants you to speak "confidently" and "assertive". Most men love their woman to be the confident head turner in the room.
( hope this advice isn't from left field )
To be honest if I were you I would start being assertive with him at home. Flirt more entice more, find situations where you can lead him.
 
I get what you're saying. I hover at 125 lbs and want to stay that way so I work out and eat light. I read the calories on most things before purchasing and I check myfitnesspal.com before ordering fast food if I'm in a pinch or with people who want fast food. I try to keep to the serving size for everything I eat and even have a food scale.

However, on vacation I do splurge. I gained 5 lbs on our cruise earlier this month from eating lots of junk and drinking alcohol. I had some greasy burgers (twice) dessert every day and pizza a couple of times. I lost 2 lbs already since I'm back to my routine.

Maybe try splurging and not calorie counting for vacations, holidays and birthdays would work. And definitely stop talking about your dieting. Just follow your process but keep the comments to a minimum.

TRINITY05 said:
No, he didn't change and he knew I was this way in the beginning. I guess he thought I would open up more and I didn't. By the way, I don't eat healthy all the time, I just try to do it in moderation. I think he wants me to eat and drink whatever when I am with him. He wants me to relax and just order a burger with fries and stop counting carbs and sugar:) He says I am not living because I am worried about every little thing.
Click to expand...
 
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Zuleika said:
It's so weird that there are some unmarried people commenting in this thread when she specifically asked for married women. :lol:
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:look: Uh cuz folks paid their six fiddy and this board isn't a married only board so you gon get what folks put out there weather you want it or not. :lachen: Now we can both go back to the singled out til married section and have a stadium of seats. :lachen: You go first! :lachen::lachen:
 
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