Married and never divorced: Big deal or not?

[yokoyokogirl]

Been dating this new guy for a while now and I'm getting into him. He's been pretty up front with everything thus far--and things are matching up honestly.

But recently he told me that he got married to his ex-gf in college and well, never divorced. They married in the States, simple court marriage and he did admit, that at the time it was an honest marriage in his eyes. But she drifted apart after a while and eventually said she just did it cause she "wanted cheaper health insurance and tuition"--fast forward 5 years and he's back in Japan, but still legally married in the States. (FYI: The ex-gf remarried someone here shortly after they broke up.And you have to tell your country u are married elsewhere, they don't research those things.)

Just curious to what this all means and what you ladies think about this...

 

[Glib Gurl]

Wow. Um, he needs to get a divorce if he wants to be with you . . . otherwise you are legally commiting adultery I am just uneasy about someone who is willing to continue dating while married (even if only on paper) . . . .

 

[JustKiya]

Uh, and why hasn't he gotten a divorce?

I mean - this woman still has a significant bit of control over him - if he ever became incapacitated for any reason - she's got control over his life - literally!

It wouldn't bother me from a 'cheating' perspective - I mean, she's married to someone else, so obviously from her POV the relationship no longer exists - but it would greatly bother me that in five freaking years he hasn't taken the time and made the effort to get divorced.

 

[RockCreak]

He really need to file for a divorce. Why would he even let it linger this long, especially if they are not together.

I would definitely advise that he needs to handle that prior to any serious committment with you.

 

[loolalooh]

That's a BIG OLE red flag right there ....

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Wow... that is really something. So how has he been filing his taxes without her signature? Mmm. I dunno about this here.

 

[JustKiya]

Wow... that is really something. So how has he been filing his taxes without her signature? Mmm. I dunno about this here.

I assume he is in Japan and she is still in the States? So, who knows what their tax process is - or whether he's a US citizen, and even files US taxes.

Seems like homegirl still in the States would have more of an issue..... Esp. since it sounds like both her marriages were done in the US. erplexed

 

[10WordzOrLess]

No..No and NO. You don't have to deal with that foolishness. Find someone unattached, mentally and LEGALLY! That most certainly is a "red flag", and that is most definitely not his ex-gf...That's his WIFE!erplexed


Thanx for sharing though...your life is interesting enough for me to live vicariously!

 

[yokoyokogirl]

Thanks for the imput.

They are both Japanese and not married to each other in Japan. No tax stuff involved cause they were college kids when they got married and intl students. Seems complicated, but it isn't. I asked to see his "koseki" which is family register (proof of kids and marriage in Japan) and it's only his name on there.

She is married to another Japanese man here, which leads me to believe either he or she was too lazy to file the papers in America.

Either way, I'm going to tell him we probably can't see each other anymore til he clears that up.

Ughhhhh just want to meet ppl without any issues at all...

 

[yokoyokogirl]

He really need to file for a divorce. Why would he even let it linger this long, especially if they are not together.

I would definitely advise that he needs to handle that prior to any serious committment with you.

And I asked why he didn't divorce before moving back to Japan and he said he didn't know how those things worked, but he asked his parents here and they said he wasn't legally married in Japan.

I think maybe he just didn't go about the right way of getting info and since it hasn't affected his day to day life here, he hasn't cared.

What say you ladies?

 

[mscocoface]

Soo sorry yokoyokogirl, but this one in AMERICA is 2 red flags with a twist.

We do things in America differently and when in America you have to abide by American rules.

If you are worth it he will comply and handle his business on your terms.

 

[lesedi]

HUGE HUGE DEAL

 

[Amcd]

Maybe they aren't legally married in Japan since they are both Japanese and got married in the US. You would need to know all of the circumstances. It doesn't seem like he is still married because he has feelings for her, just a confusion on the legality of the situation. Yes, he should have gotten it taken care of, but I wouldn't stop dating him if I saw he was making a good faith effort to get the situation taken care of.

 

[Aveena]

It basically means that he does not want to get married again. He will divorce in his own time when he's ready to commit - or take on the commitment of marriage.

But, right now it's a handy excuse for not being able to even put the discussion of marriage to anyone else on the table because afterall he CANT marry again right now even if he wanted to.

AND

Depending on where he was married and where he ultimately gets divorce can DICTATE when he can re-marry. Some states don't let you get divorced today and re-married tomorrow. There may be a waiting period of as much as a year before you can re-marry.

AND
who wants to get divorced today and re-marry tomorrow anyway?!

my guess is that he's shell shocked by marriage and wants nothing to do with it.

eta:

That re-marriage of the WIFE (not ex girlfriend) is not valid in the states. :-/

eta:

This screams irresponsibility to me... it's like piling up unpaid parking tickets or not paying car insurance and brushing it off as not big deal... (Marriage) is a big deal and needs to be dealt with to it's lawful conclusion.

 

[winterinatl]

My first gut reaction is "he's a liar; dump him".

I will acknowledge there may be a .0001% chance things are on the up and up, and he just needs papers signed.

But therein lies the issue. If you are REALLY done with your wife, you WILL divorce her....seen men pussyfoot and then get'er done after said pussyfooting two or three times.

Please discontinue "getting into him" hon, wait till he shows you he's ready.

BTW it's a liar's strategy to tell you SOME truths while leaving out others (ie. he probably has a wife that thinks they are still in love and together). I have a girlfriend whose man was carrying on a relationship with someone else this way; he had told her all sorts of half-lies.

Be careful.

 

[JustKiya]

And I asked why he didn't divorce before moving back to Japan and he said he didn't know how those things worked, but he asked his parents here and they said he wasn't legally married in Japan.

I think maybe he just didn't go about the right way of getting info and since it hasn't affected his day to day life here, he hasn't cared.

What say you ladies?

That was the impression that I've gotten, and now that you've given more info, I think that's accurate.

So, to be clear - he and his wife are both Japanese citizens. They were in the US for school, and while in the US, they got married. The marriage 'fell apart' while they were in the US, and neither of them got a divorce, at that time.
Then, they both moved back to Japan (at different points in time) and she got remarried in Japan, and didn't mention that she was already married in the US. He's still 'single', and hasn't gotten a divorce, either.

My issue, truly, isn't with the fact that he's still married. My issue is that the fact that he is still married seems to potentially indicate a character trait of lacking follow-through, and of not handling his business appropriately.
Though, I can't imagine what kind of headache it might be to get divorced when you aren't even in the country. Ugh.

 

[winterinatl]

No..No and NO. You don't have to deal with that foolishness. Find someone unattached, mentally and LEGALLY! That most certainly is a "red flag", and that is most definitely not his ex-gf...That's his WIFE!erplexed


Thanx for sharing though...your life is interesting enough for me to live vicariously!

You see how slick they are? Telling her what a woman would want to hear: EX.

 

[yokoyokogirl]

I really appreciate all of this advice. Thank you so much!

I'm definitely going to demand he finalize that before we hang out again...and I never thought about him telling the half-truths...gosh I can be so gullible.

 

[yokoyokogirl]

That was the impression that I've gotten, and now that you've given more info, I think that's accurate.

So, to be clear - he and his wife are both Japanese citizens. They were in the US for school, and while in the US, they got married. The marriage 'fell apart' while they were in the US, and neither of them got a divorce, at that time.
Then, they both moved back to Japan (at different points in time) and she got remarried in Japan, and didn't mention that she was already married in the US. He's still 'single', and hasn't gotten a divorce, either.

My issue, truly, isn't with the fact that he's still married. My issue is that the fact that he is still married seems to potentially indicate a character trait of lacking follow-through, and of not handling his business appropriately.
Though, I can't imagine what kind of headache it might be to get divorced when you aren't even in the country. Ugh.

To be honest, I'm trying to trust ppl more--cause usually I take everything with a grain of salt. But he could either be in the situation like Justkiya stated above (which is what I was thinking at first) and it is hard to get divorced if you both live abroad--I had the hardest time doing it myself.

However it could show that he doesn't follow through also--which might show more to his personality.

Or he could be totally lying and have some estranged wife someplace in America. I just wish it was easier to tell liars from honest ppl!

I'm going to give a few more details to why I think he might be honest:

-he went with me to immigration to do some paperwork, even though he didn't have to

-he told me where he works (a famous condo company in Tokyo) and calls me from work there sometimes

-he calls me from his house also (he lives with his parents--very common for single men in Japan)

-I told him that any man, I seriously date has to get STD/HIV tested with me before physical stuff happens--he said no prob and asked if we can go to the clinic together.

-On the third date, he told me about the marriage thing without me asking

Ok not sure if that means anything, but what do you all think?

FYI-I've been divorced myself, but don't usually tell ppl about that til after a few dates.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

It really depends... I don't think I'd hold it against him just yet. I'd have to see where the relationship goes. I have a friend who stayed legally married to his ex, even though he told her they were divorced because he was military and that was extra money in his pocket. Now that he's out the military... he might want to legalize the divorce... but IMO if they live in two different places from where they were married, it's whatever.

Marriage... is extremely difficult to separate yourself from in the states as opposed to other cultures. While other cultures ... like Islam... only respect marriage done within the Mosque or religious community and disregard national/legal filing... the US disregards religious marital ceremonies until there's a legal "paid" piece of paper involved.

It's been over 20 something years, and it doesn't count in Japan... I'd let it go unless I KNEW I was going somewhere with dude.

 

[ThickHair]

Thanks for the imput.

They are both Japanese and not married to each other in Japan.

They are married regardless. Once you are married you are married every where. Plus she is a bigamist. You can't legally be married to two people at the same time. Since she did not divorce your friend she is not married to this second guy legally.

I wouldn't want to deal with him. Something is very shady about that. He knew where she was and HE could have filed for divorce. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION. Run Forrest Run.

My exhusband tried to do that to me. We were seperated and he ask why divorce, let's just live seperate lives. I said nope, so I filed for divorce.

 

[panamoni]

Yes, there's a problem. If you're married and you don't want to be married anymore, you need to get a divorce (talking to myself as well). Marriage symbolizes too many things that need to die and be cut off once the marriage is over. Otherwise, those symbols can take on a reality. He needs closure.

 

[Natasha009]

They are married regardless. Once you are married you are married every where. Plus she is a bigamist. You can't legally be married to two people at the same time. Since she did not divorce your friend she is not married to this second guy legally.

I wouldn't want to deal with him. Something is very shady about that. He knew where she was and HE could have filed for divorce. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION. Run Forrest Run.

My exhusband tried to do that to me. We were seperated and he ask why divorce, let's just live seperate lives. I said nope, so I filed for divorce.

That's not neccesarily true. Alot of countries you need to be married BOTH places to be considered legally married in BOTH places. I know I have to get married in the US and my FH country. However, we're both citizens of different countries.

My parents were married in Japan, BUT, since they both were american citizens, it meant they were considered legally married in America. I would assume it works vice versa as most custom laws do - that since they are both Japanese citizens, no matter where they were married, they are considered married. He probably didn't file any paperwork back in Japan, but good chances are that he is actually considered married in Japan from the government Which would also mean his wife isn't really married to her new husband.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

My issue, truly, isn't with the fact that he's still married. My issue is that the fact that he is still married seems to potentially indicate a character trait of lacking follow-through, and of not handling his business appropriately.

I think this is being overanalyzed. He doesn't sound like a bad person and he volunteered this information. Its not something you found out after you went through his pockets. He got bad advice that caused him to make a bad choice. It could be that he has a habit of not following through but the more I hear, the more I think he didn't get a divorce because he thought they weren't married.

I'd pump the brakes for now but I wouldn't kick him to the curb. Let him know how you feel and insist that he get that divorce or at least initiate the process before things get intimate. I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up being difficult to resolve and takes a long time. His ex-gf/wife may not want to take any action if it means she has to explain to her current husband and family that the current marriage isn't legit. Honor seems to be big in that culture and this could be perceived very poorly.

Bottom line is this doesn't sit well with you so it needs to be addressed. Just listen to your intuition and you'll know what you need to do.

 

[anon123]

Do you intend to live in Japan forever?

 

[yokoyokogirl]

Thanks I definitly want him to check that up and clear it up. I get the feeling that he might be genuine but you never really know...
I'm planning to let him know how I feel about this asap.

As for staying in Japan forever, I really have no idea. I can't make up my mind about what to have for dinner! But I really like how safe it is here and my job pays very well with great benefits. So for now I'm here.

Japan is a great place but the options for dating are slim. (and dating black men--even slimmer!)

 

[ThickHair]

That's not neccesarily true. Alot of countries you need to be married BOTH places to be considered legally married in BOTH places.

I respectfully disagree. A marriage is a contract, when both parties enter into and agree on the contract terms it is binding unless some fraud is involved or a person is not of legal age to enter into a contract. A marriage is a marriage is a marriage.

So by your standards, if a person takes out a loan in the USA and signs the paperwork in the USA and then moves to another country, that loan is no longer valid? The person doesn't have to repay? The debt is just wiped out? Me thinks not. You would get laughed out of court on that one. "Your honor, I took out a loan in the US and since I moved to Zaire, I don't owe the money. I didn't take out a loan in Zaire." A loan is a contract, an agreement between two parties that are in agreement, when you sign the promissary note.

The reason why I am so passionate about this is because I was married in the Bahama's and I had to set a few peeps straight for questioning the validity of my marriage since we live in the US.

 

[hopeful]

I think some of your dating problems really are coming from living in Tokyo. You remind me of the pretty, successful women who live in Atlanta, DC, NYC. In a great place for your career, but the wrong place for romance. If I were you I would think long and hard about staying in Tokyo long-term. Time flies by quickly and it is easy to look up and you are 38 with this great job, cool friends, and no husband and kids. Just a thought...

 

[Vanity1]

I dunno, I guess I am biased (working in divorce law), divorces are not that hard to come by, usually when folks haven't let it go, especially younger people, it is because they don't want to and/or are trying to be difficult about it.

Divorces really are not that much in terms of just 'getting it over with' or even in monatary significance, I mean, if two people are mutually coming together and agreeing they don't want the marriage anymore, that is really all there is to it, it makes it easier and much less involved. I have seen people get divorced while one is military and overseas and the other is here in the states. They just work it out.

Thats my two cent tho, all in all, follow your gut.

 

[ThickHair]

I dunno, I guess I am biased (working in divorce law), divorces are not that hard to come by, usually when folks haven't let it go, especially younger people, it is because they don't want to and/or are trying to be difficult about it.

Even thought I am not an attorney, my master's is in Employee and Labor Relations and we place heavy emphasis on contract law. Studying case law made me feel like I was studying to be a lawyer (4) classes. Yes, marriage is beautiful and dreamy, but let's not forget it is a contract (from a religious standpoint a covenant). It baffles me that some people think you are only married in the country where the marriage happens.

LE SIGH