I'm convinced that I'll never be married...

[Bunny77]

Oh and I agree with Bunny.

If you're young and you want to be married by the time you're 30. You have to plan and work towards that in the same way you do with other life goals. I wish I'd known that.

I was raised to believe that I needed to get my own. And in my early 20s, my family was telling me to go to grad school, make sure I was focused on getting my own and not to rely on a man for anything. LOL Needless to say, I come from a family of many single women. For the longest time, people always focused on how boys need a quality man in their lives, but, girls need one too. It's all about having a balanced viewpoint.

I think I've gone off on a tangent...back to work I go

I agree with you too.

I made a post about the bolded a while ago. I mentioned how in the black community, women are always told to "have their own," and never be caught in a situation where we'd have to "depend on a man."

And while that's all well and good, the delivery sends the wrong message. The message is basically that we're unlikely to have relationships, so be prepared to do it on your own. Oh sure, you might be one of the "lucky" ones to find a good man, but more likely than not, be prepared to be by yourself.

The problem is, all of this thinking doesn't prepare us to be in relationships and to plan our lives like we WILL get married and have children... we're supposed to just let that happen (and if it doesn't "happen," well what did you expect? ).

So to get this back to what the OP said, if you want to be married, believe it will happen and take steps to make it more likely that it will happen. Work on your relationship life just as much as your studies and make it a priority.

And never operate from a sense of "lack," because you don't want to start behaving like those women that Sophisticated saw at that party!!!!

 

[DayStar]

If you're young and you want to be married by the time you're 30. You have to plan and work towards that in the same way you do with other life goals. I wish I'd known that.

i agree....you cant just sit around in your room staring at the walls asking God to "send" you someone....you have to appear available!

 

[DayStar]

I agree with you too.

I made a post about the bolded a while ago. I mentioned how in the black community, women are always told to "have their own," and never be caught in a situation where we'd have to "depend on a man."

And while that's all well and good, the delivery sends the wrong message. The message is basically that we're unlikely to have relationships, so be prepared to do it on your own. Oh sure, you might be one of the "lucky" ones to find a good man, but more likely than not, be prepared to be by yourself.

The problem is, all of this thinking doesn't prepare us to be in relationships and to plan our lives like we WILL get married and have children... we're supposed to just let that happen (and if it doesn't "happen," well what did you expect? ).

So to get this back to what the OP said, if you want to be married, believe it will happen and take steps to make it more likely that it will happen. Work on your relationship life just as much as your studies and make it a priority.

And never operate from a sense of "lack," because you don't want to start behaving like those women that Sophisticated saw at that party!!!!

i think this is how my mom raised me...but not in spite..but just because she doesnt want me to "depend" on anyone....

 

[Bunny77]

i think this is how my mom raised me...but not in spite..but just because she doesnt want me to "depend" on anyone....

Oh yeah, I'm sure our mothers mean well! And it's a good thing to not have to "depend" on anyone in some ways.

But if we want to have strong relationships, guess what... we're going to have to trust and be vulnerable and learn to "depend" on a man. Not necessarily financially, but emotionally (and hey, maybe financially at some point depending on the circumstances)!

I know you know that... I'm just rambling too right now.

I look forward to the time in which I will "depend" on someone, I know that!

 

[DayStar]

Oh yeah, I'm sure our mothers mean well! And it's a good thing to not have to "depend" on anyone in some ways.

But if we want to have strong relationships, guess what... we're going to have to trust and be vulnerable and learn to "depend" on a man. Not necessarily financially, but emotionally (and hey, maybe financially at some point depending on the circumstances)!

I know you know that... I'm just rambling too right now.

I look forward to the time in which I will "depend" on someone, I know that!

okay!....its like a catch 22 sometimes....sometimes you are so focused on getting your education that you forget about your future with a man..or forget about you personal happiness.....mothers and fathers need to teach their daughters to pursue higher ed WHILE seeking out a mate....

 

[Isis77]

@ the bolded. Chile, I'm already counting down the days.

OT: You live in Toledo? I live near you. I'm in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It's like 30-45 mins away. So the selection of men don't get no better across state lines, huh?

GO BLUE!!!!!!!


....sorry....just....had to put that out there.....

(and after living up there for 5 years...i completely understand your dilemma w/ men. lol!)

 

[missjones]

deleted...

 

[Valerie]

I'm seriously convinced that I'll never be married. It sounds really drastic, because I'm only 23, but I truly beleive that it will never work out.

My grandmother was never married and died alone, and my mom is divorced and never remarried. She said that she feels like she was too hard on ppl in relationships and she doesn't want me to be the same way. She said that she thinks it's a cycle that she wants me to break because she doesn't want me to be alone like her and her mother.

It doesn't help that I'm in med school in OH and I've stopped doing my eyebrows to scare the guys away (that's how undesirable they are... No cute guys are in school) I've been here for a year and have gotten NO attention... No one has asked me for a number, a date, nothing. (And I think I'm somewhat cute...erplexed ) Everyone here who is in a relationship brought her man with her (seriously). I'm really counting on not dating for AT LEAST 4 years. 26 is still young, right?

I'm not saying that I need to be in relationship right now, but I'm just worried because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to be working my butt off to be successful if I'm the only one who will benefit from it.

Don't know what I expect you all to say, but this has been on my mind lately...

My dear, you are a very beautiful girl, what happened to your grandmother and mother is nothing to do with you, you can break it now. If you want to get married, you will get married. You say that you will get married, you will meet the right person at the right time, and you will. . If you want to PM me, please do.

 

[Lucie]

Stop claiming what you do NOT want. Other peoples lives are not your own and have no bearing on what your future will be like. Expect only what you want and nothing else!!! It's not for you to know how it will happen, only to know IT (whatever it may be) will happen. ((( HUGS )))

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

some really good comments in this thread.

 

[asubeauty]

Oh yeah, I'm sure our mothers mean well! And it's a good thing to not have to "depend" on anyone in some ways.

But if we want to have strong relationships, guess what... we're going to have to trust and be vulnerable and learn to "depend" on a man. Not necessarily financially, but emotionally (and hey, maybe financially at some point depending on the circumstances)!

I know you know that... I'm just rambling too right now.

I look forward to the time in which I will "depend" on someone, I know that!

I can relate to that. My mom was the prototype of the "independent woman" and always told me to never depend on anyone for anything. She recently told me that having the attitude to the extreme was probably not good for relationships.

My dear, you are a very beautiful girl, what happened to your grandmother and mother is nothing to do with you, you can break it now. If you want to get married, you will get married. You say that you will get married, you will meet the right person at the right time, and you will. . If you want to PM me, please do.

Stop claiming what you do NOT want. Other peoples lives are not your own and have no bearing on what your future will be like. Expect only what you want and nothing else!!! It's not for you to know how it will happen, only to know IT (whatever it may be) will happen. ((( HUGS )))

Thank you for being so encouraging!! :hug: I'm kind of afraid to claim something like that though, because I don't want to be too disappointed if it doesn't happen for me.

 

[Nayeli]

I can relate to that. My mom was the prototype of the "independent woman" and always told me to never depend on anyone for anything. She recently told me that having the attitude to the extreme was probably not good for relationships.





Thank you for being so encouraging!! :hug: I'm kind of afraid to claim something like that though, because I don't want to be too disappointed if it doesn't happen for me.

With respect to the bolded above, I have a friend who is single and 22. I always admire the fact that she is never daunted about the fact that she WILL be in a wonderful relationship and ultimately a beautiful marriage. On a regular basis, when we're having lunch, watching tv or whenever, she just looks at us and says "my guy's gonna be great!" Those exact five words, without fail. She says it so assertively and optimistically that she makes us believe that her guy will indeed be great. She tells us about the wonderful qualities that he is going to possess. I just wanted to say this because there are two ways to go about it. On one hand, you can be afraid of disappointment, (which is perfectly understandable by the way) and on the other, there's the way my friend approaches it. Call me an idealist but I think that the latter way not only helps us to feel better about our future, but by eliminating insecurity and doubt, it also eliminates room for disappointment.

 

[memee1978]

im turning 30 over the summer and i feel like it ant gona happen for me.i have 2 kids.ya know what.....maby it ant happened fo me because i want it so bad.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

With respect to the bolded above, I have a friend who is single and 22. I always admire the fact that she is never daunted about the fact that she WILL be in a wonderful relationship and ultimately a beautiful marriage. On a regular basis, when we're having lunch, watching tv or whenever, she just looks at us and says "my guy's gonna be great!" Those exact five words, without fail. She says it so assertively and optimistically that she makes us believe that her guy will indeed be great. She tells us about the wonderful qualities that he is going to possess. I just wanted to say this because there are two ways to go about it. On one hand, you can be afraid of disappointment, (which is perfectly understandable by the way) and on the other, there's the way my friend approaches it. Call me an idealist but I think that the latter way not only helps us to feel better about our future, but by eliminating insecurity and doubt, it also eliminates room for disappointment.

That's wonderful, such a nice story. I'm sure her guy will be great.

 

[treybaby2005]

im turning 30 over the summer and i feel like it ant gona happen for me.i have 2 kids.ya know what.....maby it ant happened fo me because i want it so bad.

I'm turning 30 this year too.I want it so bad I don't want it.I think turning 30 has also made me want to be married because I feel like I've accomplished everything BUT.I sure hope it happens though.

 

[DaPPeR]

Aw, thanks, ladies... I will admit that I feel like I'm going through a lot right now, but it is really discouraging when everyone around is getting married or in a relationship and I can't even get someone to approach me.


this is me to a TEEEEEE.unless I'm in New York City : :-D: I'm going through this feelin right now in my life. I'm 23 in June and never had a true boyfriend. If not all, most were LD relationships and I don't count those, just because of the lack of quality time together. I believe my situation is worse though. I'm convinced I will never have a boyfriend. Its that bad.

 

[SoCalli]

OP, my sis and I are in the same boat as you. We have never been in real relationships. I'm starting to doubt that it will even happen. I keep thinking that after I graduate someone will come, but I've said that so often before and nothing ever happens. It is so disheartening. I hope things will change this year. I know I'm only 24, but I see my twenties slipping away. Sigh.

 

[asubeauty]

OP, my sis and I are in the same boat as you. We have never been in real relationships. I'm starting to doubt that it will even happen. I keep thinking that after I graduate someone will come, but I've said that so often before and nothing ever happens. It is so disheartening. I hope things will change this year. I know I'm only 24, but I see my twenties slipping away. Sigh.

That's the thing... I'm really tired of being dissatisfied with some aspect of my life and always telling myself "It'll be better when XYZ happens." I want to feel some contentment and satisfaction now, and not have to "look forward" to something that may not even happen.

**I think I'm a little OT with this, I feel like my whole life's a mess right now...**

 

[Theo]

That's the thing... I'm really tired of being dissatisfied with some aspect of my life and always telling myself "It'll be better when XYZ happens." I want to feel some contentment and satisfaction now, and not have to "look forward" to something that may not even happen.

**I think I'm a little OT with this, I feel like my whole life's a mess right now...**

Nothing to add really, except I know how you feel. Sigh....

 

[natstar]

That's the thing... I'm really tired of being dissatisfied with some aspect of my life and always telling myself "It'll be better when XYZ happens." I want to feel some contentment and satisfaction now, and not have to "look forward" to something that may not even happen.

**I think I'm a little OT with this, I feel like my whole life's a mess right now...**

Asu & foxxy- I feel the same way right now. I hope this is just a "funk" that eventually go away. We have to have hope ya know? As hard as it is we have to stay positive and live our lives as fully as possible-maybe then without even knowing, someone cool to share it with will come along. I'm 25 and in the same boat-I have so many emotions about it. It's frustrating, disheartening etc., but I have to keep pushing along regardless. I just can't accept that possibility right now. I think it's just too much for me to bear. I encourage u all to do the same.

 

[aliceo]

So many of us future doctors

When I was interviewing at medschools this year, one of the 2nd year med students was talking about how she maintains a relationship. She said that she realized that nurturing her relationship was more important than grades. She'd rather send more time with her fiance than neglect him for a couple more percents on an exam.

Lys

It's true - and so far I'm glad I made that choice

 

[SoCalli]

Asu & foxxy- I feel the same way right now. I hope this is just a "funk" that eventually go away. We have to have hope ya know? As hard as it is we have to stay positive and live our lives as fully as possible-maybe then without even knowing, someone cool to share it with will come along. I'm 25 and in the same boat-I have so many emotions about it. It's frustrating, disheartening etc., but I have to keep pushing along regardless. I just can't accept that possibility right now. I think it's just too much for me to bear. I encourage u all to do the same.

Natstar and asubeauty, do you go out a lot? I don't. When i do, nothing happens. It just seems like you can't strive for your goals and live your life at the same time. I have been trying to find that balance for a long time now. How do people go to school, work, and still have a social life? I mean, I do things every now and then, but it is not enough to actually meet someone. I've considered online dating, but it seems so unnatural. I want to meet someone in real life!

I go through periods where this whole being single thing starts really bothering me. Right now, I'm about to graduate so I haven't been focusing on it too much. I know, as soon as I graduate and have nothing but work to do, I will be back into this funk of being single and lonely.

 

[natstar]

Natstar and asubeauty, do you go out a lot? I don't. When i do, nothing happens. It just seems like you can't strive for your goals and live your life at the same time. I have been trying to find that balance for a long time now. How do people go to school, work, and still have a social life? I mean, I do things every now and then, but it is not enough to actually meet someone. I've considered online dating, but it seems so unnatural. I want to meet someone in real life!

I go through periods where this whole being single thing starts really bothering me. Right now, I'm about to graduate so I haven't been focusing on it too much. I know, as soon as I graduate and have nothing but work to do, I will be back into this funk of being single and lonely.

Hey Foxxy-

I am in school too and I go out when I can. With school and work its hard to go out when I want to. And- at times I do feel the same way in terms of when I go out-nothing is there. But I sstill feel better when I am able to go out cause I'm out there, having fun with friends, and that possibility of meeting someone is there.

I have the same sentiments as you about the online dating thing. I think after you graduate you will have more time to go out and do whatever you want. At least I am thinking that I will once I graduate. IMO- I think I will have more of a chance of meeting ppl when I actually have time to go to diff events, parties, shows etc. But who knows. Just stay positive about it. I'm starting to think that bible verse is true-where there is a season for everything.

In the meantime-focus on u and having as much fun as u can doing your own thing. Congrats with graduating soon. I can't wait to graduate!

 

[bluediamond0829]

Foxxy you are right it is hard. I mean i dont go out much because i havent really connected to meet that group of ladies that i can say is somewhat like myself. Either i have some that are too much out there or i have some that are into just chilling at home. Thats fine chilling at home but sometimes that gets so boring. And its hard when they have a man and i dont to let them know that. And then the things that i want to do people dont want to go to or do.

And to balance, work and school and having a social life is crazy. I feel like im at work all day long. And i think my hours have alot to do with it. Because people that do invite me to things in the middle of the week the last thing on my mind is trying to go out and mingle in the middle of the week. I'm thinking going home and going to my bed, eating a little dinner, watching movies or tv and having some me time or doing school work. And what exactly is Happy Hour because by the time i get off i think its over by then LOL. And on the weekends its crazy too because i dont know if im being selfish or what but for the people that invite me out are mostly guy friends to hang out with their friends. No problem if they werent calling at 11:00 pm on Saturday to invite me. i like to get to things early. If im not out of my apartment by 9 or 10 pm im not going. Do i sound old for thinking this or selfish?

So all these places they say we can go at to meet men when im not tired from work how can I. Its so furstrating. And like you said the online thing is such bad territory with me because i have yet one date and one person that ive met off line that hasnt had some kind of issues.

 

[sky_blu]

I feel the exact same but everyone says it will happen when its your time. Theres only one Ive even considered marrying but things didnt work out (but truth be told if he showed at my doorstep right now Id take him to the courthouse in the morning). Hayle, the only reason Id marry someone today is to have more kids bc I refuse to be a single parent of more than one sad I know. Not sure if marraige is for me if it couldnt work with that guy.

 

[SoCalli]

Thanks Natstar. I'm trying to keep hope alive.

That's another thing. I don't have friends my age. All of my friends are 30 and older. They don't go to clubs! They usually stay home. Like someone said, the few friends my sis and I have are wild. I'm not even trying to get into all of that. Plus, I'm usually tired all the time. Working and going to school also means that I have everything scheduled down to a Tee. I can't be spontaneous at all.

 

[asubeauty]

Natstar and asubeauty, do you go out a lot? I don't. When i do, nothing happens. It just seems like you can't strive for your goals and live your life at the same time. I have been trying to find that balance for a long time now. How do people go to school, work, and still have a social life? I mean, I do things every now and then, but it is not enough to actually meet someone. I've considered online dating, but it seems so unnatural. I want to meet someone in real life!

I go through periods where this whole being single thing starts really bothering me. Right now, I'm about to graduate so I haven't been focusing on it too much. I know, as soon as I graduate and have nothing but work to do, I will be back into this funk of being single and lonely.

I don't go out too much, either. It's hard when you have to study all the time... Shoot, I can't even post on LHCF as much as I want to!!!

It also doesn't help that I'm one of the youngest ppl in my class. I hang out with two other students who are 26 and 27, both married and one of them has a 3 year old son. Sure, they like to go out, but it's not like going with a single friend, you know? There's one other person my age, but she's lived here her whole life and dates ppl that she met in undergrad or in other places.

I feel lonely, not just because I'm not in a relationship (which isn't really what is bothering me; the idea of never being in a relationship is what bothers me) but because I left all of my family and close friends at home and the ppl whom I've made some sort of relationship with have ppl that they are very close to and haven't been able to establish those kinds of friendships here. I just feel alone, period.

 

[SoCalli]

I understand. My sis and I have no real family period (even though we are San Diego natives). We are pretty much by ourselves. I feel lonely in that aspect as well. I'm thankful that I have my friends, but like I said, they are in their thirties and up.

 

[MD_Lady]

I'm seriously convinced that I'll never be married. It sounds really drastic, because I'm only 23, but I truly beleive that it will never work out.

My grandmother was never married and died alone, and my mom is divorced and never remarried. She said that she feels like she was too hard on ppl in relationships and she doesn't want me to be the same way. She said that she thinks it's a cycle that she wants me to break because she doesn't want me to be alone like her and her mother.

It doesn't help that I'm in med school in OH and I've stopped doing my eyebrows to scare the guys away (that's how undesirable they are... No cute guys are in school) I've been here for a year and have gotten NO attention... No one has asked me for a number, a date, nothing. (And I think I'm somewhat cute...erplexed ) Everyone here who is in a relationship brought her man with her (seriously). I'm really counting on not dating for AT LEAST 4 years. 26 is still young, right?

I'm not saying that I need to be in relationship right now, but I'm just worried because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to be working my butt off to be successful if I'm the only one who will benefit from it.

Don't know what I expect you all to say, but this has been on my mind lately...

I know exactly how you feel and, as someone who has been there, I'm asking you not to worry. I celebrated my second wedding anniversary yesterday and got married the year I turned 28. My husband and I started dating the year I turned 26. Up until then, I hadn't dated anyone longer than 2 1/2 months.

Why the timeline? As you can probably tell from the above, when I was 23, not only did I not have any marriage prospects, I had NEVER (not even with a high school sweetheart) had a long-term relationship. I felt like everyone around me was married, getting married, or had at least known true love, but I was destined to be alone forever. Little did I know that I was about 2 1/2 years away from meeting the man I would ultimately marry and spend my life with.

As much of a cliche as it is, you really don't know what is "around the corner". There is a whole world outside of your medical school so you shouldn't feel like the dating climate there will drive whether you find anyone at all. Besides, there's a chance that your next relationship could be with someone you already know. I met my husband when I was 23, but (long story short) I didn't care for him all that much at the time. He re-entered my life a couple years later and the rest is history.

While I understand your fears, you aren't destined to live the life that your mother and grandmother led. You should, however, learn from your mother's mistakes and not sabotage yourself. Have standards and boundaries and be cautious, but if a relationship is going well, don't almost insist that something is bad will happen eventually.

 

[natstar]

I know exactly how you feel and, as someone who has been there, I'm asking you not to worry. I celebrated my second wedding anniversary yesterday and got married the year I turned 28. My husband and I started dating the year I turned 26. Up until then, I hadn't dated anyone longer than 2 1/2 months.

Why the timeline? As you can probably tell from the above, when I was 23, not only did I not have any marriage prospects, I had NEVER (not even with a high school sweetheart) had a long-term relationship. I felt like everyone around me was married, getting married, or had at least known true love, but I was destined to be alone forever. Little did I know that I was about 2 1/2 years away from meeting the man I would ultimately marry and spend my life with.

As much of a cliche as it is, you really don't know what is "around the corner". There is a whole world outside of your medical school so you shouldn't feel like the dating climate there will drive whether you find anyone at all. Besides, there's a chance that your next relationship could be with someone you already know. I met my husband when I was 23, but (long story short) I didn't care for him all that much at the time. He re-entered my life a couple years later and the rest is history.

While I understand your fears, you aren't destined to live the life that your mother and grandmother led. You should, however, learn from your mother's mistakes and not sabotage yourself. Have standards and boundaries and be cautious, but if a relationship is going well, don't almost insist that something is bad will happen eventually.

Wow MD Lady- Thanks for sharing your experience! This makes me hopeful