I'm convinced that I'll never be married...

[naijamerican]

It is also very discouraging that a lot of those professional black women who are married had someone before they started this journey. One of my close friends who is in a PhD program asked me if I had a boyfriend when I told her I was accepted to med school. When I told her no, she basically told me that I could just hang it up because there are no black men in med school (or none that you would want to date, anyway). I see what she is saying now.

Do not believe the hype. Even though I'm in a similar situation (I was 24 when I started my doctoral program and I'll be 28 when I'm done) you should not believe what your friend says. I believe that God has a plan for you and when it is meant to happen it will happen, medical school notwithstanding.

Oh, and girl please do your eyebrows! How about I just got mine done for the first time in 4 months! By the time I did it I had people telling me to do it, and after I got them done people complimented me. That's how drastically it changed my appearance! Please take care of yourself not for a man but for your own self!

 

[bluediamond0829]

I feel the same way at times also. I guess its hard for me because now im more reserved and not going or doing anything on the weekends. Before i was trying to go out and meet people and now im just like forget and dont want to be bothered. I feel that God has someone out there for me that will be the right person for me. Its only worse when you meet guys and they are not even what you want.

example i met two at two different times two different places. But why is that one was trying to sell me on his many of marketing jobs he has. Total turnoff. And the other couldnt even talk in full sentences. So from there it does look as if im never getting to that place i want to be because i keep coming in contact with these same types.

I just really dont know how to start off intereacting with men well. And most of the ones that talk to me want to go to bed or are lousy.

I think its just going to take alot of time and patience. We are all young just give it time. And work on yourself. Thats what i try to focus on more than anything.

 

[♦K.O♦]

Aw, thanks, ladies... I will admit that I feel like I'm going through a lot right now, but it is really discouraging when everyone around is getting married or in a relationship and I can't even get someone to approach me when I think I'm at my cutest, and even if I could, I'd probably make up a hubby or something to get him out of my face.

Maybe it's just OH.... I went home last weekend and got 3 marriage proposals and 2 stalkers.

And now I have to look out for the ones who hear "med school" and think "suga mama"...

I can REALLY relate to your thread. I just turned 24 last week and I am feeling like I will never have the family that I desire (devoted husband, 3+ kids, miscellaneous family pets ). Everyone that I know is either attached, engaged, or getting married and having children. It is really frustrating, especially since I dont have a significant other. And I feel the same as you. I'm cute enough, smart enough, funny enough, etc... so why cant *I* find someone who wants the same things as me?

I'm approaching my final year of law school. I feel like I should be on my way to engagement or something. And while I know that things dont always work out as we plan them, can I at least have a Mr. good enough? It gets lonely. This sounds horrible, but even the less attractive girls (both externally and internally) are finding significant others and husbands. Guys flirt with me all the time, but it never seems to amount to more than that.

I keep hoping that if I were back home in the city, things would probably be different... but who knows.

 

[malemegrad]

Its a shame so many of us feel this way. I am right in your boat. I am in school, single mom, full-time job and I don't really have the time to date. And I keep meeting these guys who are not worth the time. I just went out w/ a 40 yr ole in tims. I didn't think anything of it until I read someone elses comment. He doesn't look that old so I didn't look quite that ridiculous. But anywho, it is a bit depressing but I don't let it worry me to much. I just try to get out with friend and family and socialize, hoping I will meet a friend of someone or something. Leave it in God's hands.

 

[Mena]

I'm seriously convinced that I'll never be married. It sounds really drastic, because I'm only 23, but I truly beleive that it will never work out.

My grandmother was never married and died alone, and my mom is divorced and never remarried. She said that she feels like she was too hard on ppl in relationships and she doesn't want me to be the same way. She said that she thinks it's a cycle that she wants me to break because she doesn't want me to be alone like her and her mother.

It doesn't help that I'm in med school in OH and I've stopped doing my eyebrows to scare the guys away (that's how undesirable they are... No cute guys are in school) I've been here for a year and have gotten NO attention... No one has asked me for a number, a date, nothing. (And I think I'm somewhat cute...erplexed ) Everyone here who is in a relationship brought her man with her (seriously). I'm really counting on not dating for AT LEAST 4 years. 26 is still young, right?

I'm not saying that I need to be in relationship right now, but I'm just worried because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to be working my butt off to be successful if I'm the only one who will benefit from it.

Don't know what I expect you all to say, but this has been on my mind lately...

why are you tripping....you only 23 SO WHAT....i am too and I am LOVING the single life and doing me...when you figure out what you really want in life and from a mate the rest will follow...also you never find good men...when you walk around with thoughts like that in your head

 

[Duchesse]

Sometimes, I seriously feel like I'm never gonna get married either. I count down the next few years and in my head I'm like, "okay, in 2-3 yrs..be done with grad..work for a couple of years to get money and pay off loan, enjoy single life with a cash flow..travel the world to fulfill my dreams...buy apt..etc" and before I know I've jumped to being 35 and single. Not that there is anything wrong w/that but I know in my heart I want to be married...just not now, I feel like I have so much to do before I can even go there.

Sometimes I wish that I could meet someone now, and we can make a pact to get married in 5 years, after I fulfill certain goals, and have the security of knowing that I have someone, but w/o having to dedicate an incredible amount of time and energy now. Fantasy? Yes.

It is hard when you have the desire to fulfill professional/educational goals, all in the efforts of wanting to be a good wife/mother to some unknown future family.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

why are you tripping....you only 23 SO WHAT....i am too and I am LOVING the single life and doing me...when you figure out what you really want in life and from a mate the rest will follow...also you never find good men...when you walk around with thoughts like that in your head

I get what you're saying, but I have a lot of compassion for where ASU is coming from... It's easy to love the single life if there are date-able, marriageable men around and within reach. Otherwise, you can try all you want, but you get frustrated and tired of having Blockbuster nights alone on the couch.

I, for one, probably wouldn't be that worried if I were living elsewhere, or were going out on dates and "living the single life and doing me" to tell you the truth. IMO, that makes a world of difference.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Sometimes, I seriously feel like I'm never gonna get married either. I count down the next few years and in my head I'm like, "okay, in 2-3 yrs..be done with grad..work for a couple of years to get money and pay off loan, enjoy single life with a cash flow..travel the world to fulfill my dreams...buy apt..etc" and before I know I've jumped to being 35 and single. Not that there is anything wrong w/that but I know in my heart I want to be married...just not now, I feel like I have so much to do before I can even go there.

Sometimes I wish that I could meet someone now, and we can make a pact to get married in 5 years, after I fulfill certain goals, and have the security of knowing that I have someone, but w/o having to dedicate an incredible amount of time and energy now. Fantasy? Yes.

It is hard when you have the desire to fulfill professional/educational goals, all in the efforts of wanting to be a good wife/mother to some unknown future family.

Bingo.

I feel the same exact way.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Its a shame so many of us feel this way. I am right in your boat. I am in school, single mom, full-time job and I don't really have the time to date. And I keep meeting these guys who are not worth the time. I just went out w/ a 40 yr ole in tims. I didn't think anything of it until I read someone elses comment. He doesn't look that old so I didn't look quite that ridiculous. But anywho, it is a bit depressing but I don't let it worry me to much. I just try to get out with friend and family and socialize, hoping I will meet a friend of someone or something. Leave it in God's hands.

I hope that wasn't me. Knowing it probably was.

At 40 years old, I just like to see a man dressing a little more mature and sophisticated, you know? If Timbs compromise your flyest outfit... and I'm all dressed to the nines, looking fly, fabulous, grown and sexy, well, I don't know about that. You look like an overgrown 20 year old or someone headed for midlife crisis. I also say this living in an area where I've seen men decked out "Detroit playa" style with multicolored fur coats and stuff... so take that entire judgment with a grain of salt.

 

[Mena]

I get what you're saying, but I have a lot of compassion for where ASU is coming from... It's easy to love the single life if there are date-able, marriageable men around and within reach. Otherwise, you can try all you want, but you get frustrated and tired of having Blockbuster nights alone on the couch.

I, for one, probably wouldn't be that worried if I were living elsewhere, or were going out on dates and "living the single life and doing me" to tell you the truth. IMO, that makes a world of difference.

i'm not going on any dates. Don't plan on it either. I do still get asked out every now but usually guys are just looking for something im not willing to give... im loving singleness..as long as i keep going out with my females friends...visit family and focus on my career....'lonely' thoughts dont come in....basically stay busy and enjoy life

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

i'm not going on any dates. Don't plan on it either. I do still get asked out every now but usually guys are just looking for something im not willing to give... im loving singleness..as long as i keep going out with my females friends...visit family and focus on my career....'lonely' thoughts dont come in....basically stay busy and enjoy life

OK. I get you. This is also definitely important. I've just gotten to the point where I feel like I'm made so much progress on this "other stuff" that it's natural to want to share it with someone else. Maybe this means my Mr. Man is right around the corner.

 

[asubeauty]

why are you tripping....you only 23 SO WHAT....i am too and I am LOVING the single life and doing me...when you figure out what you really want in life and from a mate the rest will follow...also you never find good men...when you walk around with thoughts like that in your head

I'm not saying that I want to be in something RIGHT NOW. I'm thinking about my future. I'm making tons of sacrifices and working hard towards a goal that I don't want to be the only one to benefit from. I'm not so self involved that I feel that my own interests are enough motivation to get through the next 3 years of med school, residency, long days and nights, and tremendous debt.

Right now, I'm cool, but I am lonely. All the ppl who I've gotten to be friends with have those things, so attending to a family and hubby trumps being my friend sometimes, and that's understandable. But I don't want these types of friendships for the rest of my life.

It would be different if I were living the single life. If I were dating (there's nobody to date) and hanging out with single friends (which I don't have in OH) and having fun, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't these thoughts. But right now, pretty much my whole life is school and studying, and it's discouraging to think that what I'm pretty much spending all my time doing is going to be only for me.

 

[aliceo]

Did you meet your goal? I've pushed back my "want to get married date" till 30. Give a sistah some hope.

And I've been looking in Target too.... LOL.

You laugh, but I met my honey in Canadian Tire - which is like a Home Depot We were both shopping one Sunday afternoon and got talking. He is smart, gainfully employed, cute and trustworthy.

Two years later we are still going strong

By the way, I am in Med school too - I met him the summer after 1st year after being IGNORED the whole year by the classmates I would have turned down even if they'd asked. For me the only thing is that I think I sacrificed some grades to nurture the relationship. I never failed anything, and he encouraged me to study, but I was happy to be average, you know?

 

[ALWAYZL8]

Yes, you will marry! You are such a pretty young lady and you have so much to offer the world!

 

[Poohbear]

I've been feeling the same way... I'm 24...

 

[Mena]

I'm not saying that I want to be in something RIGHT NOW. I'm thinking about my future. I'm making tons of sacrifices and working hard towards a goal that I don't want to be the only one to benefit from. I'm not so self involved that I feel that my own interests are enough motivation to get through the next 3 years of med school, residency, long days and nights, and tremendous debt.

Right now, I'm cool, but I am lonely. All the ppl who I've gotten to be friends with have those things, so attending to a family and hubby trumps being my friend sometimes, and that's understandable. But I don't want these types of friendships for the rest of my life.

It would be different if I were living the single life. If I were dating (there's nobody to date) and hanging out with single friends (which I don't have in OH) and having fun, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't these thoughts. But right now, pretty much my whole life is school and studying, and it's discouraging to think that what I'm pretty much spending all my time doing is going to be only for me.

girl...i feel you on the debt and studying lol...im not in med school but im finishing up some premed classes but maybe you should take the extra effort to go out and meet new people outside of school...i have friends in med school and they make an effort to attend social events outside of school to break things up...sometimes even by themselves...its hard at first but after the initial going out alone you get over the fear.

 

[MrsQueeny]

I actually felt like that once in my life and I was okay with it. I began to focus on God and myself and them BAM my husband came along. Do you girl!!! Q

 

[cocoaluv]

I actually felt like that once in my life and I was okay with it. I began to focus on God and myself and them BAM my husband came along. Do you girl!!! Q

Yup I think thats how I will meet my future hubby. Focus on making your life better and have faith...everything will fall into place. I'm also 23 and believe me I am not thinking about marriage anytime soon.

 

[glam-]

GIRRRRRLLLLLLL........... OK, here's the problem right here. You live in OH? I live in Michigan. No wonder we have similar experiences. I'm convinced that the Midwest (aside from Chicago) is a Black hole for dating, especially for Black women.

I don't know I've got a girlfriend in Chicago who isn't coming up with too much either. And I'm in DC, there are men, but sometimes it's like okay, what I am willing to put up with. And I never thought I would have to worry about it, but some men do set off my "potential suga mama" alarm.

Hang in there, asubeauty and sunshinebeautiful and everyone else. Our day will come- just don't start believing that it will never happen for you. If you start to believe that, then your actions will change and you may not allow that person into your life.

I hate to say it (and I hate to see it) but I think feeling like this sometimes is the plight of a lot of us as black, professional women. erplexed

 

[scorpio70]

I just had this conversation with my mom. I feel bad for all of you under 30 divas though. When I was under 30, I felt as if I had many choices. I had no problem getting/finding dates. There are soo many stereotypes regarding black women over 30 that I find myself feeling like a salmon swimming upstream when I go on dates.

Alot of guys are instantly guarded to protect themselves from this much talked about over 30/'over' educated black woman with a stank attitude and looking for a sperm donor.

Despite what I've gone through, I work very hard at NOT being bitter. I pray daily that my heart remain softened no matter the number of times it gets pounded. It gets really difficult though, so I feel your pain about the fear of being alone forever.

Funny thing is, I just read an article today that challenged me to have a paradigm shift with regard to this fear. So, I'm going to practice that this weekend.

I really think though that men are the ones that need to shift their thinking. They are the ones that have a great thing but abandon it b/c they're sure they can do better. It's definately a buyer's market and I don't know how to shift that.

Sorry for rambling.

 

[glam-]

I just had this conversation with my mom. I feel bad for all of you under 30 divas though. When I was under 30, I felt as if I had many choices. I had no problem getting/finding dates. There are soo many stereotypes regarding black women over 30 that I find myself feeling like a salmon swimming upstream when I go on dates.

Alot of guys are instantly guarded to protect themselves from this much talked about over 30/'over' educated black woman with a stank attitude and looking for a sperm donor.

Despite what I've gone through, I work very hard at NOT being bitter. I pray daily that my heart remain softened no matter the number of times it gets pounded. It gets really difficult though, so I feel your pain about the fear of being alone forever.

Funny thing is, I just read an article today that challenged me to have a paradigm shift with regard to this fear. So, I'm going to practice that this weekend.

I really think though that men are the ones that need to shift their thinking. They are the ones that have a great thing but abandon it b/c they're sure they can do better. It's definately a buyer's market and I don't know how to shift that.

Sorry for rambling.

I'm over 30, too- so I hear you. And I have definitely heard men's complaints about "us" looking for a sperm donor. Whatevererplexed we're not all like that.

Like you said, we just have to stay prayerful and mindful not to be bitter, even if we are sad or discouraged sometimes.

 

[Bunny77]

On one hand, I can see what some women are saying about not worrying if you're 23-24 because you do have your life ahead of you and don't know what could happen down the road. Just because some black women in your med school say that you're doomed if you didn't have a man before you got to med school doesn't mean that has to be YOUR reality.

On the other hand, I NOW believe that it is good to start thinking about your future if you want to be married, even if it's not for another five years or so. Time can go by and you don't want to suddenly be 35 or over and going, "What happened?!!!"

I like the one lady's statement about putting yourself out there. I know that med school/law school/grad school/etc. is NO joke, but if you want to expose yourself to more men, then you HAVE to step outside of your comfort zone and try to socialize outside of your usual circles. It's just the nature of the beast these days, and I believe that you have to work at relationships just as you do with work and school.

Yes, for some people "it just happens" when they least expect it, but some people have been "not looking" or "waiting for it to just happen" for decades and it ain't happening. I say it can't hurt to try something different.

And hey, I've got to say it... I know that most black women prefer black men and that's fine and dandy... but all I know is that I'm not going to sacrifice MY happiness and goal of having a family because I couldn't find a black man.

(Meanwhile, I just went out on a date with a FINE Chinese dude last night... Never dated Asian before, but I think I might just have to start, tee hee!)

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Alot of guys are instantly guarded to protect themselves from this much talked about over 30/'over' educated black woman with a stank attitude and looking for a sperm donor.

My goodness, that sounds awfully harsh. Is that what men are really saying because these women want to settle down and have children while their body still allows them to do so? erplexed

 

[Mena]

I just had this conversation with my mom. I feel bad for all of you under 30 divas though. When I was under 30, I felt as if I had many choices. I had no problem getting/finding dates. There are soo many stereotypes regarding black women over 30 that I find myself feeling like a salmon swimming upstream when I go on dates.

Alot of guys are instantly guarded to protect themselves from this much talked about over 30/'over' educated black woman with a stank attitude and looking for a sperm donor.

Despite what I've gone through, I work very hard at NOT being bitter. I pray daily that my heart remain softened no matter the number of times it gets pounded. It gets really difficult though, so I feel your pain about the fear of being alone forever.

Funny thing is, I just read an article today that challenged me to have a paradigm shift with regard to this fear. So, I'm going to practice that this weekend.

I really think though that men are the ones that need to shift their thinking. They are the ones that have a great thing but abandon it b/c they're sure they can do better. It's definately a buyer's market and I don't know how to shift that.

Sorry for rambling.

This might be true. lol. I went to a networking event over the weekend for black professionals. Those guys STAYED in my friends and mine faces while the over 30 black women gave us stank looks. We were not even looking for attention we were having a girls night out and had to shoo these guys away! I actually noticed the stank looks even before guys approached us. It was like these young heffas are gonna take all the men.

 

[Bunny77]

This might be true. lol. I went to a networking event over the weekend for black professionals. Those guys STAYED in my friends and mine faces while the over 30 black women gave us stank looks. We were not even looking for attention we were having a girls night out and had to shoo these guys away! I actually noticed the stank looks even before guys approached us. It was like these young heffas are gonna take all the men.

And see, this is why I refuse to fish from only one pool.

 

[AfroKink]

You laugh, but I met my honey in Canadian Tire - which is like a Home Depot We were both shopping one Sunday afternoon and got talking. He is smart, gainfully employed, cute and trustworthy.

Two years later we are still going strong

By the way, I am in Med school too - I met him the summer after 1st year after being IGNORED the whole year by the classmates I would have turned down even if they'd asked. For me the only thing is that I think I sacrificed some grades to nurture the relationship. I never failed anything, and he encouraged me to study, but I was happy to be average, you know?

So many of us future doctors

When I was interviewing at medschools this year, one of the 2nd year med students was talking about how she maintains a relationship. She said that she realized that nurturing her relationship was more important than grades. She'd rather send more time with her fiance than neglect him for a couple more percents on an exam.

Lys

 

[Highly Favored8]

God has a blessing for U just be very patient!

 

[scorpio70]

Sunshine - Yes! that is what they say. My friends and I are all fully credentialled and basically doing our thing out here, but, we learned to save info about our accomplishments until we really know the guy. I even heard of one 30-something really paid sista telling a guy she was dating that the big house she lived in was a rental, not bought with her hard earned money. It's sad that she felt like she had to do that. We basically share our accomplishments with our sista-circle first. It's been my experience that sharing major financial/career successes with a man makes them feel like you are 'throwing it in their face' or they start to see you as competition. This is only slightly different if the man is making more than you. To see a real difference, the man has to be making SIGNIFICANTLY more than you. And last time I checked, there are less than 15% of people in the country making more than 6-figures and of those, how many do you think are black men...that are not taken?? I wish it were different.

Sophisticated - Those older women with the 'stank' attitudes may have been pissed that they got suckered into coming to yet another event that was supposed to be for the mature crowd but ended up being over run with 20-somethings. Or, they could've been disgusted that the guys were playing themselves. Or maybe they were bitter and stank. But, in the same way, we as black women hate being lumped into some negative category. As women, we can't do that to one another.

In fact, that whole thing might not have been about you. The thing about age is that, if you're lucky, you will get older. Hopefully, by the time you are their age, you'll be happily married. However, if you're not and you find yourself in their shoes, you'll have a whole other impression/perspective about what was really going on in that scenario.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[scorpio70]

Oh and I agree with Bunny.

If you're young and you want to be married by the time you're 30. You have to plan and work towards that in the same way you do with other life goals. I wish I'd known that.

I was raised to believe that I needed to get my own. And in my early 20s, my family was telling me to go to grad school, make sure I was focused on getting my own and not to rely on a man for anything. LOL Needless to say, I come from a family of many single women. For the longest time, people always focused on how boys need a quality man in their lives, but, girls need one too. It's all about having a balanced viewpoint.

I think I've gone off on a tangent...back to work I go

 

[Theo]

Oh and I agree with Bunny.

If you're young and you want to be married by the time you're 30. You have to plan and work towards that in the same way you do with other life goals. I wish I'd known that.

I was raised to believe that I needed to get my own. And in my early 20s, my family was telling me to go to grad school, make sure I was focused on getting my own and not to rely on a man for anything. LOL Needless to say, I come from a family of many single women. For the longest time, people always focused on how boys need a quality man in their lives, but, girls need one too. It's all about having a balanced viewpoint.

I think I've gone off on a tangent...back to work I go

Hmmm... thats deep. I'm in the process of choosing which med school I would like to attend and I have been offered a partial scholarship by a very good med school that is tucked away in Countryville, USA. I have reservations about attending because I'm not sure if I would really like the lifestyle that I would have out there. A lot friends/family would kinda dismiss those concerns of mine, but if I'm going to be some place working my butt off I want to be someplace where I can be happy and have a social life as well. Everyone tells me that I'm young and I have lots of time, and honestly relationships aren't too high on the priority list for me right now, but I think thats more because of the environment that I'm in now more than anything else.

Okay... I'm rambling, but basically this thread scares me.