Male Friend Doesn't See the Positive of Marriage

[GoingNatural]

I was talking to a male friend and he said he used to be all gung ho about getting married and having a family but lately he's been talking to male friends of his that have been married 5+ or 10+ years and now the idea of marriage scares the poop out of him because the men are admitting they've been unfaithful, or their wife has, that they've grown apart,e tc.

I tried to tell him the entire "marriage is work, blah blah spiel" but he's like he's heard that before.

Married ladies, what do you think the intangible and tangible benefits of marriage are? What would you tell a guy that has lost hope?

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Nothing.

If he's that easily swayed off of what other people and their marriages are about, it is not for me to change his mind.

 

[JustKiya]

I'm with LisaLisa - if he honestly believes that their relationships equal a given in his relationship - he's too far gone, really. And rather short-sighted.

 

[GoingNatural]

This is just a friend. I don't want to marry him.

But he's a great catch and he's worried he will become a man like them. I don't think it's bad to encourage him. It's no different than going to a psychologist. If someone is only telling you bad things about a person eventually you are going to start believing that person is "bad" because enough people have told you. I just want to give him the other side.

 

[JustKiya]

Why is he worried that he's going to cheat? I mean - that seems like something that is relatively easy to control - don't stick your dick in anyone other than your wife.

Why is he worried that he's going to grow apart from his wife? If they make the effort (ie, put in the work) to stay connected, that won't happen.

Marriage is work - and that's really the root of it. You get out of marriage what you put into it, and if you re slacking - or if you aren't communicating - or you aren't aware of what each others expectations are - then yes, your marriage has the potential to fail. So, him brushing off you saying that marriage is work is a bad sign, in my mind. If he's dismissing that information already - then yeah, he might not want to get married.

The benefits of marriage for men are huge. Greater health, greater income, longer life-span, higher social standing, etc, etc. Plus the intangibles of companionship, love, partnership, parenting, etc, etc.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

ITA w/ JustKiya.

OP, honestly, it's not up to you or anyone else to SELL the benefits of marriage to someone. It is up to that person to determine what kind of marriage THEY want and what kind of benefits THEY seek to find and provide within THEIR marriage. That's a determination that man has to make for himself.

If it's important enough to him, he will figure it out. But first, he needs to look at HIMSELF and determine what's important and necessary for him. You can't do that for him.

 

[GoingNatural]

Why is he worried that he's going to cheat? I mean - that seems like something that is relatively easy to control - don't stick your dick in anyone other than your wife.

i think he's worried because these are men he knows. they told him they never thought they'd cheat but they have.

Why is he worried that he's going to grow apart from his wife? If they make the effort (ie, put in the work) to stay connected, that won't happen.

Because this is what he's been told. The men said they knew about this and they still see it happening.

Marriage is work - and that's really the root of it. You get out of marriage what you put into it, and if you re slacking - or if you aren't communicating - or you aren't aware of what each others expectations are - then yes, your marriage has the potential to fail. So, him brushing off you saying that marriage is work is a bad sign, in my mind. If he's dismissing that information already - then yeah, he might not want to get married.

The benefits of marriage for men are huge. Greater health, greater income, longer life-span, higher social standing, etc, etc. Plus the intangibles of companionship, love, partnership, parenting, etc, etc.

I mean basically I said all of the above. But if someone important, or enough people in general, tells you that if you jump off a cliff you may drown or die--you aren't going to jump of the cliff.

 

[GoingNatural]

ITA w/ JustKiya.

OP, honestly, it's not up to you or anyone else to SELL the benefits of marriage to someone. It is up to that person to determine what kind of marriage THEY want and what kind of benefits THEY seek to find and provide within THEIR marriage. That's a determination that man has to make for himself.

If it's important enough to him, he will figure it out. But first, he needs to look at HIMSELF and determine what's important and necessary for him. You can't do that for him.

I think any friend can give people different perspectives. Isn't that what we do on LHCF? I'm not trying to sell him I just want him to hear a woman's side since he has talked to all men. I don't want to marry this man so at the end of the day he will do what he want. But I am going to support a friend like I do with any friend's concerns

 

[JustKiya]

I mean basically I said all of the above. But if someone important, or enough people in general, tells you that if you jump off a cliff you may drown or die--you aren't going to jump of the cliff.

I see what you are saying, but - it's not that simple.

It's like saying - because all of my friends are bad fathers, I'm going to be a bad father. Uh, no. No one's relationship is identical to anyone else's, because no one is identical to anyone else.

Jumping off a cliff is taking the laws of physics into account, and the laws of physics are the same, for everyone.

There are no laws of marriage. There is nothing that is a given in a marriage between two people that will be a given in any other marriage. It's a unique, and individualized relationship. So looking at other peoples marriages to get an idea of what your marriage will be like is - silly. It's not. All you are doing is forming expectations that may or may not be fulfilled - and the likelihood of them being fulfilled lies 100% in you and your partners hands.

And as LisaLisa said - each person has to determine what they want out of marriage, and find a person who wants either the same thing, or something really close, and marry them. And then, as your marriage grows/changes/progresses - you should be growing/changing/progressing together - with openmindedness, flexibility, humility, devotion, and love. That's where the work comes in. That's where success is born or dies.

 

[Mis007]

Marriage is one of those things you have to find out for yourself as everyone will have a story to tell positive or negative.

 

[yardyspice]

This is probably a case of "negativity bias" where your friend pays more attention to negative marital experiences than to positive ones. When he comes to you with concerns about the marriages that aren't working ask him to give you a list of the ones that are working. The list doesn't necessarily have to include only people you know; for instance, the First Couple comes to mind. I bet he'll come up with a 50/50 list. Then him to find out what the 50% that is working is doing right. Makes no sense talking to fat people if you want to lose weight, talk to the skinny ones. Make that stalk the skinny ones.

 

[Mai Tai]

OP, I think that it is great that you, as a friend, want to give this man advice/guidence. That is what good friends do...however, please keep in the back of your mind that regardless of what you say, he may still feel negatively about marriage, and that may or may not change in the future.

If it were my friend I would tell him what these ladies have told you plus more. I would remind him that he needs to stop letting other peoples negative stories and vibes about marriage influence his thinking. This alone is a sign of immaturity. He has some growing up to do. He is second guessing something that he's always wanted to do based on some ole bullisht. He needs to evaluate why he is so easily swayed first before you can do anything.

 

[anon123]

Do you also not know any happily married men? They would be the ideal people to ask what the positives of marriage for men are.

 

[GoingNatural]

Do you also not know any happily married men? They would be the ideal people to ask what the positives of marriage for men are.

Nope, I would have asked them. I'm 25. Most of my friends are single and dating. I work with mostly women.

I just know my dad--but I don't want too many details about my parent's marriage. they've always portrayed a great image of marriage to me and I don't need to know anything else than that,

 

[yeahisaidit]

I think he's afraid of failing if he was to get married.

 

[FlowerHair]

I think he hasn't met the right woman yet.

She will make him believe.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ ITA...I know so many men who talked all this yak about never wanting to get married, not believing in marriage, not wanting kids, blah, blah, blah....and then they hit a certain age, looked around and saw that most of their friends were getting married, or met "the one" and the next thing you know they're posing for wedding pictures. I wouldn't pay much attention to those words he's speaking

 

[Marley4920]

I would tell him that marriage means different things to different people. For some it's just a piece of paper and others have their whole self esteem wrapped up in whether they do it. If he finds someone who sees marriage the same way he does, he'll be fine.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

I just want to give him the other side.

Why? If he thinks that, let him think it.

I don't understand why people want to convince people otherwise when they feel this way. His opinion is valid.

 

[GoingNatural]

Why? If he thinks that, let him think it.

I don't understand why people want to convince people otherwise when they feel this way. His opinion is valid.

I didn't say his opinion wasn't valid. But there are at least 3 sides to every story.

Why? Just like you (and some others in the thread) are trying to convince me it's pointless to try to give him a different POV. We all want people to see things our way i guess

 

[GoingNatural]

Thank you to the few of those that answered my question.

To everyone else, if you aren't going to answer the question why post? I didn't ask if I should take the time to help out my friend. I asked for the benefits of marriage.

Next time I won't share a back story. Lesson learned.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

We all want people to see things our way i guess

Yeah, but I think Black women need to stop "coming to the rescue" when they hear men say that stuff. I definitely hate it when people try to change my mind about having kids. I'm sure he feels the same.

 

[SHEANITPRO]

Thank you to the few of those that answered my question.

To everyone else, if you aren't going to answer the question why post? I didn't ask if I should take the time to help out my friend. I asked for the benefits of marriage.

Next time I won't share a back story. Lesson learned.

OP sorry you've not received the answers you seek.

I think one of the benefits of Marriage is to have an open mind about the process.

Neither party is perfect, but to adopt a limiting position based on the relationships of others is futile.

It's almost like self-fulfilled prophecy. If your male friend is biased by those negatives and is firm in those thoughts, he will carry them into his his marriage, and as a marital partner he would not be successful.

I think he has some more maturing and living to do. It might be that through life experience his position will change.

If not, kudos to him for recognizing that devasting the lives of a wife or children is not something he cares to participate in.

 

[SHEANITPRO]

dup sorry

 

[SHEANITPRO]

sorry...dup, no more vino for me!

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

I was talking to a male friend and he said he used to be all gung ho about getting married and having a family but lately he's been talking to male friends of his that have been married 5+ or 10+ years and now the idea of marriage scares the poop out of him because the men are admitting they've been unfaithful, or their wife has, that they've grown apart,e tc.

I tried to tell him the entire "marriage is work, blah blah spiel" but he's like he's heard that before.

Married ladies, what do you think the intangible and tangible benefits of marriage are? What would you tell a guy that has lost hope?

Bingo! Let him decide if it’s a job he wants to take on long term. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Not everyone needs marriage to be happy or content. He may find a situation or type of union that suits him better that is not “marriage”. It’s ok to not want to be bothered with all the work that comes with being married, same with kids too.

I don’t waste time trying to convince people otherwise if it seems like it’s in their heart that they don’t want to take on the responsibilities of marriage or parenthood. I am happier that they have thought for themselves and made a decision that suits them. That can change, but it’s not up to me to change it for them or enlighten them.

Now, if they tell me that they wish they felt otherwise, that’s a different story. If he hasn’t said that, I say drop it.

I think he hasn't met the right woman yet.

She will make him believe.

Or, the right woman might be on the same page as him and they express their love and commitment outside the confines marriage or a traditional union.

Who knows!


ETA: If he doesn't FEEL in his heart and mind that there are any benefits to marriage that suit him, there is nothing that we can add or share with you that will convince him otherwise. Even hearing the possible benefits ... it could still be in his heart to choose to remain unmarried.

 

[FlowerHair]

Good posts Sheanitpro and Ballerina Bun!

I don't see the point in trying to convince anyone of such a huge life choice either. Either he'll come to that conclusion on his own or it won't happen.

It's like trying to convince someone to have children when they don't want to.

Going Natural, I'm sure you know that people reply with the back story in mind all the time here...please don't take it personal. :Rose:

Usually, the best way of showing someone how wonderful something can be is to do it yourself and show him/her with your own lifestyle.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

^^^ I agree showing is better than telling. Im very undecided about children right now and I'd feel a certain way if my friends tried to convince me to have children or show the miraculous benefit of having them.

Plus he might be at a point in his life where marriage isnt for him anyway regardless if he observed horrible experiences or not. He'll come into his own eventually.