Dilemma Male married friend cheating

[NOEChic]

i had to tell my best friend that her boyfriend of 4 yrs, the one she just had a baby by was cheating on her. I found out when she was 6mths preggo and did not tell her till her baby was 3mths. I was torn do i tell her do i not tell her, at this point she was a lil suspicious about her boyfriend. She was upset that i took too long to tell her and right fully so b/c i had new her for six years when this happened. The he tried to break up our relationship saying that i tried to sleep with him twice. I was hurt about that and we fell out for two yrs b/c of it. I was a misunderstanding on my part. We made up and are on good terms now. After that I told her and her new boyfriend (now hubby) that if any of them cheat im opening my mouth and let the other party know

 

[amara11]

It would be easy if she wasn't friends first, good friends with the husband which is why its now a "dilemma"...we all like to throw in the word loyalty when it comes to our "friends"....so in this case who does the loyalty lie with? Him or her?

whose trust do you break if you choose to step in and interfere?
Is it your place to step in on either side?


If you had a good male friend who was cheating on his girl and you didnt know the girl or care for the girl would u go tell the girl he was cheating or keep your male friend confidence and let the situation play out how its gonna play out? If he was my real friend I think it would not be my place to tell his business...but if I happened to become friends or come to care about the girl or wife and knew he was cheating now there is a problem

so thats the situation she's in right now and once more I will say that she urged the girl to follow her instincts and confront him and his daughters mom and get to the bottom of it and the wife doesn't want to....so even tho she "feels" hes with her...

DOES SHE REALLY WANT TO KNOW? because deep down she knows whats goin on....and if my friend tells her and she doesn't believe her because all the husband has to do is tell her she's trippin and that her cousin is lying because it can easily just turn into a he say/she say sort of situation and just really make things messy and people get offended when somebody else jumps in thinking they are doing the "right" thing

First off, let's keep it funky.
It's not up to you to figure out whether she really wants to know- that's assuming that you know what's best for her.

Second,
I don't 'throw' the word loyalty around in terms of friends. I say it, and I mean it because I'm real. You put 'friends' in quotations so perhaps, she's using the term lightly when she really means associates. If that's the case- sure she can stay lipped.

Third,
Your girl may be using the term 'friend' loosely, but MY definition of FRIEND is one that CONTRADICTS knowing something that could put my friend in emotional and physical danger. POINT BLANK. If she feels she's closer to the guy, well then there's no dilemma I guess, her loyalty can go to him. If she feels like the woman already knows, then, cool. Again she can stay tight lipped.

Fourth,
You're referring to a situation where you are closer to the guy than to the woman. Whatever the case, the loyalty goes to the person that you feel you are closer to/ or better friends with. Loyalty is apart of the type of friendship me and a ew other ladies on this are referring too. I don't really get the *friendship* you described then. Maybe I just don'e agree with what your definition of a *friend* is. But, if she feels so tight with homeboy, then it seems to me like you've answered your own question right there.

Fifth,
It seems to me like you and your girl already decided what you feel is best. Maybe you're just posting to get people to agree with you (which is why I'm assuming you've shot down those who go against your stance). If it's that crystal clear, I don't see what the dilemma is to you. You're asking if your girl should do 'A' or 'B' (but everytime someone says B, you give ten reasons why A makes more sense). Sounds to me, like you've come to your own answer.....

We all have a lil something called a conscious. You and your friend know right from wrong. I don't know if you want to get validation from ppl who agree with what you in effort to clear that conscious, but to me- when you have to ask someone to help you choose between the two, it's cuz you're looking for someone to validate deep down inside you know is shady.

But that's JMHO

Apparently our definitions of *friendship*, *friend*, *loyalty* are NOT the same- and to me, those are KEY factors in making a decision on what to do.

 

[tiara76]

First off, let's keep it funky.
It's not up to you to figure out whether she really wants to know- that's assuming that you know what's best for her.

I never said it was...just a pondering question based on what I was told...but lets not pretend that its not a reality some people prefer to stay disillusioned...I know from experience that people seeking the truth find out the truth, those avoiding it hide from it deliberately

Second,
I don't 'throw' the word loyalty around in terms of friends. I say it, and I mean it because I'm real. You put 'friends' in quotations so perhaps, she's using the term lightly when she really means associates. If that's the case- sure she can stay lipped.

I put it in quotations to represent her own definition since there are some folks who bring into question exactly what a friend is....In this case to her both of them are her "friends"

Third,
Your girl may be using the term 'friend' loosely, but MY definition of FRIEND is one that CONTRADICTS knowing something that could put my friend in emotional and physical danger. POINT BLANK. If she feels she's closer to the guy, well then there's no dilemma I guess, her loyalty can go to him. If she feels like the woman already knows, then, cool. Again she can stay tight lipped.

Ok thats cool I feel you

Fourth,
You're referring to a situation where you are closer to the guy than to the woman. Whatever the case, the loyalty goes to the person that you feel you are closer to/ or better friends with. Loyalty is apart of the type of friendship me and a ew other ladies on this are referring too. I don't really get the *friendship* you described then. Maybe I just don'e agree with what your definition of a *friend* is. But, if she feels so tight with homeboy, then it seems to me like you've answered your own question right there.

Im not sure I defined what a friend is to me, or what her definition is....Maybe you feel there is a ranking system and a loyalty clause that determines whose trust should be broken or who she should be more loyal to, but she doesn't have a ranking system for them, she loves them both so for her personally its not so cut and dry

Fifth,
It seems to me like you and your girl already decided what you feel is best. Maybe you're just posting to get people to agree with you (which is why I'm assuming you've shot down those who go against your stance). If it's that crystal clear, I don't see what the dilemma is to you. You're asking if your girl should do 'A' or 'B' (but everytime someone says B, you give ten reasons why A makes more sense). Sounds to me, like you've come to your own answer.....

Im posting because she asked me to.
I've never been in this sort of situation and neither has she and she just wanted to see if other women may have been in similar situations or what other viewpoints may be on it, just simple feedback....it has been helpful to her thank you all ladies.

I told her IF IT WAS ME, Im not good keeping my mouth shut or pretending at all and also Im not one to just repeat info that I don't know 100 percent sure so I wouldnt be going to her first n e ways.... because if Im runnin my mouth it wont be based on what somebody else told me..I would of asked him and gotten it from him and would tell him that his wife is suspicious and dont expect me to be in her company pretending or trying to fan the fire for him if she brings up her concerns, I will tell her str8 up that if she's concerned about her marriage and family that she needs to woman up, open her eyes and stop goin for the BS and if he equates me advising her if she's unhappy to unfold the truth as disloyal then those are the chances I take. Me personally I can deal with the "consequences" of situations that most people can't (thats my stance btw and whether anybody agrees with me or not on it isn't relevant)

She hasn't really decided yet what she will do, all Im doing for those of you who keep saying she isn't a real friend is reminding you that in her case two of her friends she cares about is the issue, not just one

We all have a lil something called a conscious. You and your friend know right from wrong. I don't know if you want to get validation from ppl who agree with what you in effort to clear that conscious, but to me- when you have to ask someone to help you choose between the two, it's cuz you're looking for someone to validate deep down inside you know is shady.
If it wasn't about conscious this wouldn't be an issue and a thread would never have been made....its a conscious struggle for her because she does feel jacked up inside over it and your "right" or my "right" or anybody else's "right" isn't really what this is about although the discussion helps.....

But that's JMHO

Apparently our definitions of *friendship*, *friend*, *loyalty* are NOT the same- and to me, those are KEY factors in making a decision on what to do.

Again, I don't recall defining a friend to me or her on here.....I don't like to make apparent assumptions, but maybe I will take a guess that you haven't been in this particular situation where two "friends" u feel a sense of loyalty too, who you love and care about, one whose trust and value you don't want to violate, the other who you don't want to hurt or see hurt

And thank you all again for responding

 

[amara11]

Again, I don't recall defining a friend to me or her on here.....I don't like to make apparent assumptions, but maybe I will take a guess that you haven't been in this particular situation where two "friends" u feel a sense of loyalty too, who you love and care about, one whose trust and value you don't want to violate, the other who you don't want to hurt or see hurt

Trust and value him? He's already proven he's untrustworthy. He can't even remain faithful to his own wife, and the bond of marriage is stronger than friendship, so I still can't really get what it is about him that has her trying to remain so loyal to him. But I don't him or her so (shrug).

Now, here's the thing. If I were in her situation, I'd have a problem with the guys character. It's one thing to have messed up *once* and have made a mistake and be remorseful about it. It's a totally different thing to continually mess up (i.e cheating for a year), knowing you're in the wrong.

If I were your friend, and I felt some kinda way about keeping my mouth shut, but I still didn't want to tell her- I'd let homeboy know what was up ASAP.

I would let him know that people are aware of what he his doing, and they have told your friend. He's gonna ask *who* and try to get her to prove it, your friend doesn't have to (and shouldn't) tell him anything.

She should then let him know that he NEEDS to tell his wife (maybe she could give him a deadline or something) but either way, she should make it clear to him that she is in the unfortunate position of being in the middle of two friends, and if he does not come clear with his wife, she (as the wife's friend too) will be forced to inform her of what's going on.

That puts the ball in his court, and it takes the burden of having to be the one to say it off of your friend. Even if you took the emotional damage this will have on their marriage out of the equation, you still have the HUGE health risk that he has put BOTH he AND his newborn child in. He could have contracted something, given it to his wife, and his own baby.....

To me, that's just wayyyyyy bigger than feeling 'torn' about which friend she should be loyal too. At the very least- there are people's lives that have been but at risk, and the wife has EVERY right to know it. And if he 'loves' his wife and his child, he would let her know what the hell he's done so they can be tested. Period. AIDS is a freaking epidemic and I don't take that lightly, so the whole concept here to me is pretty simple to solve. I've seen patients in marriages come into the clinic, ER, etc to find out that the one man they've been faithful to has put their lives in danger, and it's heartbreaking.

So the decision your friend has to make is either a, or b.
a) remain loyal to the guy and keep her mouth shut
b) make sure the wife is informed (preferrably by him, but through her if necessary)

 

[aja1121]

Regardless of the length of time she knew the husband or wife, what "friendship" does she value the most? Because she will definitely loose one, or both. There is a way to say it, without saying it; especially because she is his friend. Comments like "you can do better" or "Trust your instincts" are dead giveaways from friends and family members of the person you are dating.