(Long) Date/Race Rant! Why NOT date outside our race?

[Ivonnovi]

I wanna rant. I did a quick search this is sort of a spin off of the post below but I have a question too.
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=275211&highlight=outside+race

My personal experince.
A few months ago, I was invited to a dinner and introduced to a man (GuyB) that s-e-e-m-e-d interested but very, very, standoff'ish. So I left it at that. When we were at dinner His friend (GuyA) who was interested in My friend (whose not AA, but not white either), paid my friend a compliment at (what I felt like was) my expense. So I not to subtly checked him on that.

Him to her: Your freind has a pretty smile, but not quite as beautiful as yours.
Me to him(GuyB): (turning from his friend to say this)....."Ummm, you know I can here you all the way over her. Perhaps you should focus your compliments more on what you appreciate about her and less on comparisons. (Ok, so maybe I was a little rude but he needed to be checked)
Me to his friend (GuyA): Oh so where where we? and continued the convo

​

When we get home I tell my friend, to becareful with the guy's (GuyA)feelings cause I can clearly se that he's (way) more into her than she is to him. (In my mind I was looking out for my "brotha" dispite the diss).

The 4 of us have a few more dinner "dates" togehter, but as I said his friend is standoffish and has issues. (I was also told that he was intimidated by me, shy, still hurt by divorce issues etc.) I kept it cordial with him, only called to say thank you for the meal and company; and moderate convo's. Lately I've made myself "non" available to attend the bi-weekly dinners.

Fast forward to this Month. Guy-A and my friend are no longer "interested" in each other. SOoooooo, Guy-A calls me and want's to ensure he can give me a Mother's Day card, me thinking he's being thoughtful agree's to meet with him; after I'm off from work and I'm on my way out of town.

Well he also want's to vent, a little about my friend and the demise of their "dating"; the usual...."I don't understand"; I've tried to be patient"; rolleyes:all of which I saw comming)....blah, blah blah. And he asks me a question (I'm assuming he wanted a females perspective on the issue) but I tell him that he should ask his Friend (Guy-B); he tells me a little about what GuyB says of the issue; inhales then exhales that oh BTW I should forget about GuyB, cause he has a thing for "Hispanic" women, blah blah, blah (I'm thinking gee this guy's a little bitter) blah, blah, .......I'd like a woman like you.....!

Ok, so at this point I politely thank him for my card, & end the convo 'repeating that I am on my way out of town "for a date". ....The end of the convo does not end his interest.

Now I tell this long story for the following reason. I only date within my race (or those that look like me). I'm riding down the street bouncing between the following thoughts.​

• "wow" so we can't even expect our "Christian" men to look out for our better interest.​
• How in da' "h" does he think I'm gonna be interested in him after he sat there and tried to "diss" me to my friend and in front of another dude?​
• Why didn't either of them just make it clear earlier that "He's just not that into me?". .....(I did have other options those nights; but there I was being "friendly")...​
• LASTLY: I HAD THE EPIPHANY THAT, what I'd experinced has a long azzed history. We stand up for our men (even when they are being foolish,) but when they should be standing up for us they don't. To often I hear of the problems they have with us ​

Why in the hell should I continue to limit myself to dealing with this mindset? I love my brothers (weak or strong) but I find this type of BS and the BS in the other post to be allllllllllllllllll to common lately. To me their about as dumb as the House 'N"s of yesteryear thinking that they are better 'cause they have massa's favor. Dumbass!​

 

[naijamerican]

I definitely appreciate your rant. All I can say is that much like my girl Chrisette Michele, you've had an epiphany and I hope it leads you to broaden your horizons. Clearly you don't have a problem attracting men of any race. Maybe you needed this experience to have a breakthrough in your train of thought as it pertains to interracial dating. I am slowly but surely embracing that as a reality in my own life.

Also, not every Black man fails to stand up for Black women. I know of Black men who don't. I hope that you get a chance to meet such men, too, inasmuch as it's also imperative to see beyond those who look like us in terms of romantic prospects.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Thanks Naij.
Yes I do know that not all of them fail to stand up for us, but I live in an area where "we" are the minority, and as I edited my post to say; I have often heard them use this as justification for dating other folks. ....But of course I'm a little annoyed right now.

Not because of their choices but because of how they choose to "exercise" these choices.

 

[princessnad]

What's the problem again?

He's trying to date you after your friend? He insulted you while giving your friend a compliment?

 

[Ivonnovi]

Yep those were minor issues too.

The major was the (ig'nat azzed) indifference he showed when he thought he had a "good" chance with my buddy. I didn't mention that while (this minister) vented to me he put her down (or was less than flattering) to some of the physical things he didn't like about her)....so imagine my erplexed total excitement when he stated that he "wanted a woman like me" blah blah blah. FAILED!

.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

Stop being crusaders for black men and open yall eyes. lol

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Stop being crusaders for black men and open yall eyes. lol

Word. Why are we so militant on saving the nuclear black family at the expense of turning down men who ARE into us? Is any black man a king above any other race? No, he's a man. As long as his stick is in good condition, you find him attractive, his heart is into you, and he meets your basic requirements, there shouldn't be so much pickiness.

 

[Bunny77]

Word. Why are we so militant on saving the nuclear black family at the expense of turning down men who ARE into us? Is any black man a king above any other race? No, he's a man. As long as his stick is in good condition, you find him attractive, his heart is into you, and he meets your basic requirements, there shouldn't be so much pickiness.

As I always say, I have a better chance of saving the nuclear black family in SOME way if I reproduce PERIOD.

If I'm waiting to be married and don't pop out any kiddos... well... there go my good genes!

(Yeah, I know, adoption, blah blah blah... but y'all get what I mean.)

 

[JustKiya]

I've never understood purposely limiting your pool of potential mates - esp. when you are currently struggling to find someone in the pool you have been swimming in - esp. when you do have some attraction to others.

At the same time, I think that saying 'Screw all black men, I've gotta marry me an XYZ' is just as as saying 'Screw the rest of the world, I've gotta marry a black man!'

Sometimes, the color of a person's skin is the least relevant aspect as far as what kind of man/parter/father/mate an individual will be.

 

[Bunny77]

I've never understood purposely limiting your pool of potential mates - esp. when you are currently struggling to find someone in the pool you have been swimming in - esp. when you do have some attraction to others.

At the same time, I think that saying 'Screw all black men, I've gotta marry me an XYZ' is just as as saying 'Screw the rest of the world, I've gotta marry a black man!'

Sometimes, the color of a person's skin is the least relevant aspect as far as what kind of man/parter/father/mate an individual will be.

YEP!

Black men, white men, Hispanic men, Asian men... I do not care. It's all good to me.

I'm just going to marry the man who appears most likely to be the best husband and father.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

Black men can take car of themselves.

I never understood anyone that limited themselves to one group. When I meet someone that I'm interested in, I never think 'He has all the positives, too bad he's not black.'

I would like to marry a black man but, the white man I'm seeing now is pretty damn good.. I dunno, I can't really relate because I never thought that way.

But I think that this was a great lesson learned.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Bumping to see if there's anyone out there willing to argue from the other sider of this discussion.

 

[Shinka]

I'm not willing to argue from the other side of the discussion. It sounds like a messed up situation. But at the end of the day, do You!

I'm attracted to brown and chocolate men, so I doubt I will date inter racially. I'm am opposed to interracial dating. It disgusts me when I see it just how I'm disgusted when I see two men or women kissing.

I'm not in theory, religiously or politically anti- gay or anti-interracial, but something deep down makes the sight of it disgust me, like a natural repellant. So I highly doubt I'll date a white guy, maybe latino if he's a black latino.

I don't put black men on pedestal since I put no man on a pedestal. Do whats best for you, don't settle...may the best man win.

 

[Farida]

I don't mind people limiting their dating pool - it is their prerogative.

But if you restrict your pool and can't find anyone, either open it or don't complain. You can't have it both ways.

Remember, for every pool of men you select you loose a few to
- jerkdom
- homosexuality
- incompatibility
- married
- not willing to marry

and the list goes on....

 

[honeycomb719]

I don't mind people limiting their dating pool - it is their prerogative.

But if you restrict your pool and can't find anyone, either open it or don't complain. You can't have it both ways.

Remember, for every pool of men you select you loose a few to
- jerkdom
- homosexuality
- incompatibility
- married
- not willing to marry

and the list goes on....

Great Points!!!

 

[laCriolla]

I wouldn't be so quick to believe Guy B when he said Guy A isn't into you...
because he followed that up with trying to get with you

so sounds like Guy B is blocking (guy A). and you already knew Guy B was shy or 'standoffish'. well if he's shy give the benefit of the doubt, why believe what his sleazy friend said about him. maybe there is other evidence Guy A didn't like you. that one dinner it sounds like you were more into the coversation between your girlfriend and B...and defending yourself about the 'smile comment' --- and not into the conversation between yourself and A, your date. so maybe give him a chance to really talk to you?

i might have gotten a and b mixed up- but i'm saying your girlfriend's date is blocking your date, telling you that he only likes certain races. then he asked you out after telling you that. that's the kind of thing you need to hear from your date's mouth, it could be some bs to get you to forget the other guy.

 

[kayte]

I totally feel you on the betrayal part....BUT
they both sounded like total jerks...regardless of their race..
I personally would not have gone out....on the double dates after that first encounter...yuck....it sounded not very pleasant....
..one or two idiots don't get to factor your romance life
like that..... unless you decide to make your dating decsions based about that..

but the reality is truly weighing carefully where you spend your precious time...
it's more about that.....as opposed to if you should go to other ethnicities

the dude was slimy and duplicitous from giddy-up..
and you told him...good for you

but both of them...WEIRD......not worthy of you
sending juvenile mixed signals...social agnostics & who needs that?
I'm confused why you decided to waste
any of your beauty and intelligence on such
idiocy...
but that was your choice ..not the idiots

but anyways..I wouldn't make it global..like suddenly deciding it's come to down
to black and white issues.....
if you have a preference... you can honor that..why not?..what's changed?
you encountered uptight angry guys...and so what?
and they were black and so what?

there are threads filled with women who date black men exclusively and married are happy...
you could be one of them....

HOWEVER, if you want to explore other races..as an option it does not have to be political
like the black guy betrayed therefore...black men will turn tom amd so ..because of this I
must seek other races for suitable choices

how about dating other races ..FOR FUN ..LOL
and not by default.....
not because of a fool who happens to be black and
blind ..
you're gorgeous and intelligent and he's stupid ..
and he asked you there under false pretenses to soothe his rejection
and you could have told him so straight up....
you'd feel better walking away being honest and let him deal
WITH IT....
end of story

NEXT man~

 

[CurlyMoo]

Why do we turn molehills into mountains? Everybody else is interracially dating like there was never a law against it, but Black women are still considering it. LOL

I would hope that if any Black woman wants to interracially date it would be because she is attracted to the guy and not as a way to escape the brothas or because they think they "can't find a good Black man." Men are men. Please don't be insulting toward Black men because of YOUR bad experiences and don't be insulting to men of other races by telling them or giving them the impression that you are only with them because you couldn't find better. JUST DO IT!

And this is not a personal attack on the OP because I have a few ladies in my life ENDURING miserable relationships with Black men and daydreaming about what it would be like to date a White man. As if all there problems will suddenly go away because they believe the Hollywood version that sells us the perfect White man. I tell them whomever you date it will include yourself. If you don't have yourself together, you will be sorely disappointed with your White man. Take it from someone who knows.

 

[msa]

I'm not in theory, religiously or politically anti- gay or anti-interracial, but something deep down makes the sight of it disgust me, like a natural repellant. So I highly doubt I'll date a white guy, maybe latino if he's a black latino.

That's exactly how I feel about interracial dating.

No white men for me.

But OP, do you. Get it how you live. If you like it, I love it. Alla that.

 

[Ivonnovi]

To: laCriolla, kayte, CurlyMoo, msa, and OPs; “A hearty thank you for addressing some of the specifics of “my” post.”
I know I did not initially word it well and admit that I was quite frustrated when I wrote it.

My decision to not date outside my race is deeply rooted in my past and in history.

I was born in the era when “we” could barely n’t even put our pic’s on our album covers and about the only major circulated magazines with blacks on the cover was National Geographic; and those pictures were NOT flattering. I survived school desegregation and the headaches that caused. In those days if a YT man hit on a Sista’ 9-outta-10 times it was just so he could hit it and get that notch in his belt. And the same YT man would be quick to shun his YT woman if he know she’d been with a black man. Hell when I went in the Army it hadn’t been that long since the YT men had the Germans/Italians around army bases believing that we had tails…….It’s been many-many moons since those days, yet I still have my aversion to them. ​

​

Historically speaking the Black woman has always stood by the black man. When he was beat /murdered/lynched we cried – not them. When he couldn’t bring home enough to support the family, we were the 1st to go back to work. When he couldn’t find work, we did. When he was notorious for abandoning his family, we raised his kids and was a nanny for YTs kids also. …and you wonder why we are considered strong?

​

I titled this post as I did because of the “lack of maturity” some of our brothers show. (perpetuating the negative stereotype, and believe me even the Hispanics here have brought into that stereotype) Examples would be putting “sisters” down to non-blacks. Describing our attitudes as angry, and stating that for less drama they prefer to date other races. Stating that “she” can open doors for them that a black woman couldn’t. etc That’s the kind of attitude that annoys me. They perpetuate the negative stereotype of black women and that angers me.
Too often latley I'm hearing this stereotype used as an excuse. That scenario through me for a c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e loop. . as here it is I’ve been nothing but nice, polite and sometimes accommodating to those two numbskulls.

I’m in a community that’s about 12% black. I’d expect that we’d be “more supportive” of each other given that we are truly minorities in this arena; I did not expect such adolescent like behavior from either of them.
Enough about my decisions though I wanted to know how others felt about this "choice".
My parting word would be “If ya gonna “do you”; Do You; just remember where you came from and mind your manners.”

 

[Xerxes]

I wanna rant. I did a quick search this is sort of a spin off of the post below but I have a question too.
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=275211&highlight=outside+race

My personal experince.
A few months ago, I was invited to a dinner and introduced to a man (GuyB) that s-e-e-m-e-d interested but very, very, standoff'ish. So I left it at that. When we were at dinner His friend (GuyA) who was interested in My friend (whose not AA, but not white either), paid my friend a compliment at (what I felt like was) my expense. So I not to subtly checked him on that.

Him to her: Your freind has a pretty smile, but not quite as beautiful as yours.
Me to him(GuyB): (turning from his friend to say this)....."Ummm, you know I can here you all the way over her. Perhaps you should focus your compliments more on what you appreciate about her and less on comparisons. (Ok, so maybe I was a little rude but he needed to be checked)
Me to his friend (GuyA): Oh so where where we? and continued the convo

​

When we get home I tell my friend, to becareful with the guy's (GuyA)feelings cause I can clearly se that he's (way) more into her than she is to him. (In my mind I was looking out for my "brotha" dispite the diss).

The 4 of us have a few more dinner "dates" togehter, but as I said his friend is standoffish and has issues. (I was also told that he was intimidated by me, shy, still hurt by divorce issues etc.) I kept it cordial with him, only called to say thank you for the meal and company; and moderate convo's. Lately I've made myself "non" available to attend the bi-weekly dinners.

Fast forward to this Month. Guy-A and my friend are no longer "interested" in each other. SOoooooo, Guy-A calls me and want's to ensure he can give me a Mother's Day card, me thinking he's being thoughtful agree's to meet with him; after I'm off from work and I'm on my way out of town.

Well he also want's to vent, a little about my friend and the demise of their "dating"; the usual...."I don't understand"; I've tried to be patient"; rolleyes:all of which I saw comming)....blah, blah blah. And he asks me a question (I'm assuming he wanted a females perspective on the issue) but I tell him that he should ask his Friend (Guy-B); he tells me a little about what GuyB says of the issue; inhales then exhales that oh BTW I should forget about GuyB, cause he has a thing for "Hispanic" women, blah blah, blah (I'm thinking gee this guy's a little bitter) blah, blah, .......I'd like a woman like you.....!

Ok, so at this point I politely thank him for my card, & end the convo 'repeating that I am on my way out of town "for a date". ....The end of the convo does not end his interest.

Now I tell this long story for the following reason. I only date within my race (or those that look like me). I'm riding down the street bouncing between the following thoughts.​

• "wow" so we can't even expect our "Christian" men to look out for our better interest.​
• How in da' "h" does he think I'm gonna be interested in him after he sat there and tried to "diss" me to my friend and in front of another dude?​
• Why didn't either of them just make it clear earlier that "He's just not that into me?". .....(I did have other options those nights; but there I was being "friendly")...​
• LASTLY: I HAD THE EPIPHANY THAT, what I'd experinced has a long azzed history. We stand up for our men (even when they are being foolish,) but when they should be standing up for us they don't. To often I hear of the problems they have with us ​

Why in the hell should I continue to limit myself to dealing with this mindset? I love my brothers (weak or strong) but I find this type of BS and the BS in the other post to be allllllllllllllllll to common lately. To me their about as dumb as the House 'N"s of yesteryear thinking that they are better 'cause they have massa's favor. Dumbass!​

Ok, maybe I'm not getting it, but I can not imagine you getting this grand epiphany about black men's disloyalty to black women from this brief encounter with two fools who happen to be black men! LOL

Seriously, you ask, why didn't they show you their disinterest in you at the beginning, but they did when neither showed you any interest. Guys A and B were being very standoffish and hollering at your friend, even at your own expense.

Then, after your friend shutdown the more aggressive brother, he continued to talk about her albeit to you to rub your face in it under the guise of giving you a Mother's day card. Finally, he gave you a last minute holla to see if you would be easier than your friend because that's what men do (they always look for an easy target when their main goal is unavailable).

So the red flag was up when neither guy on the first double date showed you any interest. In fact, I believe both wish you would have left so they could have each had a shot with your friend.

Now did they like her because she was nonBlack? I doubt it, she was just more appealing to them than you were. From your profile pic, you don't look "stereotypically" Black (i.e. medium brown to dark skin, 4b hair, etc) so I don't think you can blame it on racism or self-hate, you simply weren't what they liked. This includes your persona, looks, intellect and femininity.

Case in point, I routinely date men that are upfront with their dislike of Black women yet I am dark-skinned, have 4b hair (styled in an afro, braids or relaxed) and am mistaken for being a Nigerian or Ghanian (sp?) constantly, so initially despite my overt "blackness," I am appealing to men who generally like nonBW. And it may seem confusing but, men first are attracted to our physical beauty and what draws them deeper is our personality and mine breaks through all racist BS. lol

However, even with my dark and lovely self, I have to admit that most nonBM do not find BW in general attractive enough as a potential spouse. Think about how few BW there are married to WM. It's a fact that it's easier for a BW to marry a brother than another. And the few BW married to WM, typically have settled for sub-par looking WM, but that's a whole other thread.

Also, it makes no sense to base your own life decisions on the actions of a few brothers who just weren't interested in you. Black men as a whole have not convened and said they don't want you or don't want BW period. Obviously, there's a growing group of brothers that want either an exotic woman or WW, but that's why we're all on here trying to grow long, swangin' hair, right? LOL

I am so tired of some BW promoting this idea that our salvation lies with WM or nonBM. By and large, most people marry their own and these relationships are the most stable. Just do a quick poll and you will see that 90+% of the chicks married or in a relationship are with a partner of their same race. Interracial relationships are difficult and if that's the path you wish to take, do it because you are free to not because you feel compelled by society to seek out men of other races.