Living with The Passive Aggressive man - When He Withholds Sex.

[lesedi]

@PrissiSippi There is no excuse for a husband to sleep out and not tell his wife where he is. Especially since you have an infant at home.

You quit your job for this man, to devote more time to him and your new family, and he disrespects you like that??

I am not by any means telling you what to do but I would start putting some money away. He literally has a whole other life (with his friends) that he won't let you into, maybe you need to be a little more selfish.

 

[natural2008]

@PrissiSippi -I think he is and has been cheating and is tired of you and the whole marriage. Does he have a secret of a whole other family (friends/family you have never met) he sees when he is "out of town/oversees" and telling the other woman when he is with you that he is "oversees/out of the country?" This would explain his forgetfulness and unaccounted for money. A man isn't going to withhold sex so he is getting it from someone somewhere. I recall your past posts and the many complaints you had prior to your pregnancy. From what you share on here, the problem seems to be him not you. Once cannot change a person who doesn't want to change. If he does agree to counseling it sounds like he has issues himself that must be worked on first before you both can attend counseling together and work on the marriage issues. I'm so sorry you are going through this . Hopefully you can find peace soon as life is short as we are here today and gone today. Seems like you are under a lot of unnecessary stress and stress can kill you. It's important for you to be around healthy mentally and physically for your baby.

 

[natural2008]

@PrissiSippi There is no excuse for a husband to sleep out and not tell his wife where he is. Especially since you have an infant at home.

You quit your job for this man, to devote more time to him and your new family, and he disrespects you like that??

I am not by any means telling you what to do but I would start putting some money away. He literally has a whole other life (with his friends) that he won't let you into, maybe you need to be a little more selfish.

We just typed the same thing. I think he was a whole other family.

 

[hopeful]

I was finna start off with I don’t understand why he’s ..... but I read the first paragraph. Yeah I’ll work on mentally chrcking out. I’m lonely though.

Instead of “I don’t understand why he’s ...” you have to start asking,
“Why am I putting up with this?”
“What do I want?”
“How do I get what I want?”
“How do I get off this merry go round?”
“How can I make my life more me centered vs him centered etc.?”

In the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men he says the primary goal for the man is to be in control and to have his partner completely focused on him. It doesn’t matter how he accomplishes his goal, so long as he achieves his goal, he is good.

Please try to detach a bit from him emotionally and look at this situation from a different angle. I know in grad school they suggest you do that, look at problems from different angles. Use a different lens or frame if you will. In healthy relationships people are not obsessed with each other, constantly wondering how the other person really feels about them, constantly trying to out maneuver them, etc.

From what I understand healthy relationships run like a good car. It just runs well and does what it’s supposed to do, but needs regular check ups and tune ups here and there. You are not constantly wondering will my car work today? Can I count on my car? Why does my car go right when I want to go left?

And I can promise you that if you really decide that you are done or fed up, he will magically become more attentive and give you exactly what you want: attention, dates, affection, follow through on promises, etc. Just enough to hook you back in, then slowly go back to being passive aggressive, confused, neglectful, and supposedly trying so hard. You have to take yourself off the merry go round. Save yourself. No one else is going to show up to fix this. It is up to you.

Manipulative men come in all kinds of packages, from overtly abusive, to confused and innocent acting, to somewhere in between. And it works because our society makes a woman feel badly if SHE can’t fix her marriage. It also only works if the woman is a fixer and takes on what isn’t hers to fix. So since you cannot single handedly change society, focus on healing yourself from being codependent, own only what’s yours, so you can be happy. Life’s too short to spend it on a merry go round. Time to move forward.

What you are doing to solve this problem isn’t working so try something else. You can only heal and change you. You cannot change another human being, that is their job. You need to learn how to stay in your lane. He’s very controlling but so are you if you think you can make a grown man that’s what? Two feet taller than you and probably weighs 2-3 times more than you... bend to your will. It’s not going to happen. This is your life, your story, not his. Ultimately this is about you, your journey, and your healing. In a way he is in your life to help you see this.

 

[hopeful]

We just typed the same thing. I think he was a whole other family.

He certainly has another life outside of the one he shares with @PrissiSippi, a secret life. He is keeping lots of secrets. It is very sad and it is cruel. And part of what makes it fun for him and exciting is her trying to figure it out and him being able to flip it back on her again and again.

 

[natural2008]

He certainly has another life outside of the one he shares with @PrissiSippi, a secret life. He is keeping lots of secrets. It is very sad and it is cruel. And part of what makes it fun for him and exciting is her trying to figure it out and him being able to flip it back on her again and again.

It is extremely sad and cruel.

 

[PrissiSippi]

@PrissiSippi There is no excuse for a husband to sleep out and not tell his wife where he is. Especially since you have an infant at home.

You quit your job for this man, to devote more time to him and your new family, and he disrespects you like that??

I am not by any means telling you what to do but I would start putting some money away. He literally has a whole other life (with his friends) that he won't let you into, maybe you need to be a little more selfish.

I did and he told me how appreciative he was for it because when the baby got sick I could attend to him and take him to the doctor. But now he says he let me do this for me. Like he is doing me a favor and he is not benefiting. And now it's I don't add any value to his life because he can cook for himself, do his own laundry and the other stuff I do is not up to his standards. But even if they weren't he never told me so how in the world would I know. I feel like I'm own an merry go round. The ones that go up and down too because the story gets good at times. I can't lie we take care of DS very well. Family time that's his priority. He takes us out and spends time with just the family multiple times a week. He drives me everywhere so I don't have to drive and he can make us safer, he is very hands on with our child, but it's seems like just being attentive to me is the problem.

 

[natural2008]

I did and he told me how appreciative he was for it because when the baby got sick I could attend to him and take him to the doctor. But now he says he let me do this for me. Like he is doing me a favor and he is not benefiting. And now it's I don't add any value to his life because he can cook for himself, do his own laundry and the other stuff I do is not up to his standards. But even if they weren't he never told me so how in the world would I know. I feel like I'm own an merry go round. The ones that go up and down too because the story gets good at times. I can't lie we take care of DS very well. Family time that's his priority. He takes us out and spends time with just the family multiple times a week. He drives me everywhere so I don't have to drive and he can make us safer, he is very hands on with our child, but it's seems like just being attentive to me is the problem.

You can drive yourself everywhere as well. He makes you feel safer because he is driving? He sounds like he is putting up a facade and has had you on this roller coaster of a ride and merry go round from the beginning of times and excuses are continuing to be made for his actions. You have expressed your dissatisfaction time and time again, the next step is to put some plans in motion or continue to be unhappy and deal with his shenanigans. If you decide to leave, yes it will hurt and try not to look at the years you have lost. No one in here can tell you what to do, but I hope you find happiness soon and wish you the best of luck.

 

[Sosoothing]

@PrissiSippi -I think he is and has been cheating and is tired of you and the whole marriage. Does he have a secret of a whole other family (friends/family you have never met) he sees when he is "out of town/oversees" and telling the other woman when he is with you that he is "oversees/out of the country?" This would explain his forgetfulness and unaccounted for money. A man isn't going to withhold sex so he is getting it from someone somewhere. I recall your past posts and the many complaints you had prior to your pregnancy. From what you share on here, the problem seems to be him not you. Once cannot change a person who doesn't want to change. If he does agree to counseling it sounds like he has issues himself that must be worked on first before you both can attend counseling together and work on the marriage issues. I'm so sorry you are going through this . Hopefully you can find peace soon as life is short as we are here today and gone today. Seems like you are under a lot of unnecessary stress and stress can kill you. It's important for you to be around healthy mentally and physically for your baby.

If some of the literature is to believed, many passive aggressive men actually do with hold sex and aren't having sex elsewhere. To me this just magnifies how warped and unhealthy their emotional state can be. And further shows how it is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with such a man.

 

[intellectualuva]

I did and he told me how appreciative he was for it because when the baby got sick I could attend to him and take him to the doctor. But now he says he let me do this for me. Like he is doing me a favor and he is not benefiting. And now it's I don't add any value to his life because he can cook for himself, do his own laundry and the other stuff I do is not up to his standards. But even if they weren't he never told me so how in the world would I know. I feel like I'm own an merry go round. The ones that go up and down too because the story gets good at times. I can't lie we take care of DS very well. Family time that's his priority. He takes us out and spends time with just the family multiple times a week. He drives me everywhere so I don't have to drive and he can make us safer, he is very hands on with our child, but it's seems like just being attentive to me is the problem.

More mind games. You BOTH are doing your family a favor. You could be out here working too and thus doing less in other ways or going so far as to not take care of him, disappearing on him and the baby, checking out emotionally, physically on both, but you aren't. You BOTH are doing what needs to be done out of love of family......at least for you. Don't let him play you and discount your value because he's being moody or PA and he doesn't get any credit for being a provider and still making time for family. He should. If he's feeling in that moment or this is a long term issue that he doesn't value you staying at home, then put some ducks in a row and get very still. You'll need it to think about a way forward either for you both or just you.

 

[natural2008]

If some of the literature is to believed, many passive aggressive men actually do with hold sex and aren't having sex elsewhere. To me this just magnifies how warped and unhealthy their emotional state can be. And further shows how it is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with such a man.

In this situation if this were a healthy relationship and if he were withholding sex and was always at home and his time was accounted for I would possibly believe it. In this situation he is having sex with someone and it isn't her and has a whole other secret lifestyle going on as by his actions and all of the proof is laid out on the table. I'm not sugar coating anything here and not going to get her hopes up discussing literature. The literature could possibly be correct in a healthy relationship as counseling could possibly be helpful in a healthy relationship. This relationship is by no means healthy in no type of way.

 

[Sosoothing]

In this situation if this were a healthy relationship and if he were withholding sex and was always at home and his time was accounted for I would possibly believe it. In this situation he is having sex with someone and it isn't her and has a whole other secret lifestyle going on as by his actions and all of the proof is laid out on the table. I'm not sugar coating anything here and not going to get her hopes up discussing literature. The literature could possibly be correct in a healthy relationship as counseling could possibly be helpful in a healthy relationship. This relationship is by no means healthy in no type of way.

I was speaking generally about passive aggressive men. I have no idea what her husband is or isn't doing sexually and am not about to guess.

 

[natural2008]

I was speaking generally about passive aggressive men. I have no idea what her husband is or isn't doing sexually and am not about to guess.

She told us he is withholding sex from her.

 

[Sosoothing]

She told us he is withholding sex from her.

Doesn't change the fact that not all passive aggressive men are cheating. That's all I was saying. I wasn't referring to her husband because I personally don't know if he is. If you know he is, that's fine. We are all giving our perspectives here. That's all.

 

[hopeful]

Many of us were taught to solve problems with a pros and cons list. Oftentimes there are dealbreakers present. When that is the case, all of the pros must be ignored and thrown out the window. If you send me flowers but cheat, who cares about the flowers? If you spend time with the family but withhold affection and intimacy from me, the family time is moot. If you say you love me but I don’t feel loved, the words mean nothing.

 

[natural2008]

Many of us were taught to solve problems with a pros and cons list. Oftentimes there are dealbreakers present. When that is the case, all of the pros must be ignored and thrown out the window. If you send me flowers but cheat, who cares about the flowers? If you spend time with the family but withhold afffection and intimacy from me, the family time is moot. If you say you love me but I don’t feel loved, the words mean nothing.

So very true.

 

[lesedi]

I did and he told me how appreciative he was for it because when the baby got sick I could attend to him and take him to the doctor. But now he says he let me do this for me. Like he is doing me a favor and he is not benefiting. And now it's I don't add any value to his life because he can cook for himself, do his own laundry and the other stuff I do is not up to his standards. But even if they weren't he never told me so how in the world would I know. I feel like I'm own an merry go round. The ones that go up and down too because the story gets good at times. I can't lie we take care of DS very well. Family time that's his priority. He takes us out and spends time with just the family multiple times a week. He drives me everywhere so I don't have to drive and he can make us safer, he is very hands on with our child, but it's seems like just being attentive to me is the problem.

You deserve to be nurtured too. How dare he say you add no value to his life because he can iron/cook etc for himself?!! That's all you offer him? Less than a year after you birthed a child for him? After you resigned for him? You're out here meal planning (I've seen your posts) and working hard to make your household beautiful, calm and soothing and he isn't noticing any of that? AND you have a new baby????

Has he forgotten that you are an educated woman; an accomplished woman; someone who had a thriving life before meeting him?

 

[ArrrBeee]

@PrissiSippi

If I lived near you, I'd give you a hug. This is a lot to deal with. Please know that no one is trying to come for you. Tou have been given a lot of wisdom and shared experiences. Learn from us and don't bury your head in the sand. Plan strategically and act accordingly.

My ex fiancé was super secretive. He made it look like everything was about work and it wasn't. Don't waste your youth trying to fix the unfixable.

 

[lesedi]

@PrissiSippi

If I lived near you, I'd give you a hug. This is a lot to deal with. Please know that no one is trying to come for you. Tou have been given a lot of wisdom and shared experiences. Learn from us and don't bury your head in the sand. Plan strategically and act accordingly.

My ex fiancé was super secretive. He made it look like everything was about work and it wasn't. Don't waste your youth trying to fix the unfixable.

I re-read my post and I can see where it may sound a little agressive. My intention was not to make @PrissiSippi feel attacked in any way. I just feel really angry for her, she doesn't deserve this.

This is a control and power thing IMO.

 

[Evolving78]

@PrissiSippi There is no excuse for a husband to sleep out and not tell his wife where he is. Especially since you have an infant at home.

You quit your job for this man, to devote more time to him and your new family, and he disrespects you like that??

I am not by any means telling you what to do but I would start putting some money away. He literally has a whole other life (with his friends) that he won't let you into, maybe you need to be a little more selfish.

This.. been there. Thought if I would become a stay at home mom, it would make things better, like I could get my family in order.. nope doesn’t work..
get a plan OP..

 

[Evolving78]

She told us he is withholding sex from her.

Yeah that doesn’t mean he is cheating.

 

[FlowerHair]

Yeah that doesn’t mean he is cheating.

Maybe, maybe not. I would assume that a healthy man who isn't 75+ is having regular sex with someone else if he's not having sex with his wife. And in this particular context with secret friends, no phone calls when he's away etc it seems even more likely. That's just my take on it, though.

 

[momi]

This is so true. I am going to drive myself crazy trying to use logic to figure this out. I pulled back out that book you gave me and articles and thinking back on past scenarios. I feel like a mad scientist saying AH HA! But for what cause? I think I needed to figure it out for myself first though. Now I can pinpoint what he is doing.

He doesn't want you to meet his friends because you "might judge them?"
He withholds or is not interested in pleasing you sexually?
He spends the night out when he is mad?

Something isn't right. I hate to mention it, but have you might want to consider hiring a PI or tapping his phone. If this were a BF/GF without any kids situation then I would suggest you just bounce, but since there are vows and a child involved I'm sure you would at least like to know what's really going on with him. Maybe once the cat is out of the bag you'll find it's something you all can work through.

 

[Evolving78]

Maybe, maybe not. I would assume that a healthy man who isn't 75+ is having regular sex with someone else if he's not having sex with his wife. And in this particular context with secret friends, no phone calls when he's away etc it seems even more likely. That's just my take on it, though.

He maybe very well be out there with another man, woman, dog, etc.. It doesn’t matter though, and there are men that don’t have that type of appetite, or drive. I have witnessed that. But it doesn’t matter. He is withholding sex from his wife. It’s wrong either way.

 

[Evolving78]

He doesn't want you to meet his friends because you "might judge them?"
He withholds or is not interested in pleasing you sexually?
He spends the night out when he is mad?

Something isn't right. I hate to mention it, but have you might want to consider hiring a PI or tapping his phone. If this were a BF/GF without any kids situation then I would suggest you just bounce, but since there are vows and a child involved I'm sure you would at least like to know what's really going on with him. Maybe once the cat is out of the bag you'll find it's something you all can work through.

She doesn’t need to hire anybody. For what? What more does she need? She is being neglected. He could be sleeping in his car. Women need to stop thinking we need all of this proof to convince ourselves we aren’t being treated right. Would it make a difference? No he still is mistreating his wife. She doesn’t deserve that. If she was to get a divorce, alienation of affection would hold up in court. Everything you named is grounds for a divorce. Not that I’m suggesting that. I would suggest OP get counseling for herself. Right now her husband has checked out of the marriage.
It doesn’t matter.

 

[Evolving78]

People feel if their partner cheats on them, then all of the other mistreatment is justifiable and it gets swept under the rug.
Vows have been broken regardless. Getting mistreated should be the dealbreaker, not just getting cheated on.

 

[momi]

She doesn’t need to hire anybody. For what? What more does she need? She is being neglected. He could be sleeping in his car. Women need to stop thinking we need all of this proof to convince ourselves we aren’t being treated right. Would it make a difference? No he still is mistreating his wife. She doesn’t deserve that. If she was to get a divorce, alienation of affection would hold up in court. Everything you named is grounds for a divorce. Not that I’m suggesting that. I would suggest OP get counseling for herself. Right now her husband has checked out of the marriage.
It doesn’t matter.

Why? Maybe because she wants to know that she has exhausted every opportunity to make things work before going through with a divorce. True his actions alone could be reason enough for her to check out, but sometimes having all the pieces to the puzzle helps to make a sound decision.

Also they have a child together - it's important to know what in the world is going on with him. Whatever it is may have a negative impact on their son.

Either way if it were me I'd want to know what he is up to.

 

[Evolving78]

Why? Maybe because she wants to know that she has exhausted every opportunity to make things work before going through with a divorce. True his actions alone could be reason enough for her to check out, but sometimes having all the pieces to the puzzle helps to make a sound decision.

Also they have a child together - it's important to know what in the world is going on with him. Whatever it is may have a negative impact on their son.

Either way if it were me I'd want to know what he is up to.

She doesn’t need to go play detective. All of the evidence is right there. The energy needs to be spent on herself. You can only change you and how you handle things. Begging somebody to do something they aren’t interested in doing is a waste of time. Spending money on couple marital counseling, hiring detectives, going through phones, buying sexy lingerie, etc.. doesn’t work when your partner has checked out. She needs to focus her money and attention on herself. People either change with you, or the rebel against you.
Everything in darkness comes to light when you just open your eyes. It will fall right into your lap. Men are sloppy.

 

[momi]

She doesn’t need to go play detective. All of the evidence is right there. The energy needs to be spent on herself. You can only change you and how you handle things. Begging somebody to do something they aren’t interested in doing is a waste of time. Spending money on couple marital counseling, hiring detectives, going through phones, buying sexy lingerie, etc.. doesn’t work when your partner has checked out. She needs to focus her money and attention on herself. People either change with you, or the rebel against you.
Everything in darkness comes to light when you just open your eyes. It will fall right into your lap. Men are sloppy.

I understand your point but it is still up to the individual person to decide how much information they would need to go through something as traumatic as divorce. Maybe for you the evidence would be enough, but that is not the case for everyone.

 

[intellectualuva]

Many of us were taught to solve problems with a pros and cons list. Oftentimes there are dealbreakers present. When that is the case, all of the pros must be ignored and thrown out the window. If you send me flowers but cheat, who cares about the flowers? If you spend time with the family but withhold afffection and intimacy from me, the family time is moot. If you say you love me but I don’t feel loved, the words mean nothing.

This right here is it. And honestly, this thread has me thinking about some things in my own relationship. Nothing as serious as this, but the alignment of words and actions. Women (in general) really need to step back and see..not with their hearts if what they are getting (and giving) is aligned with what's being said. A lot of time we don't listen when things are uneasy "because he says......"

I don't see why she can't learn what she needs to learn while getting prepared for whatever the answers are.