Living with The Passive Aggressive man - When He Withholds Sex.

PrissiSippi said:
What I’m dealing with:

He convienently forgets things. When I ask him about it or get mad he says that don’t i see that he is trying?

He especially forgets things they cost him money. He will say he will pay for my car to get washed then “forget”. If I remind him all of a sudden I’m inconviencing him.

He will sabotage sex. He can’t take criticism. So if I say ooh do it like this or touch me here he will do it for maybe 2 minutes and stop. The next time we have sex it’s like he “forgot” what I asked for. If I bring it up it’s because I expect him to have sex with me like all the other guys I’ve been with.

He is mad about the things from our past. I treat him well now but he is wishy washy in how he treats me. If I address it he is unbothered because no one cared how he felt years ago.

He told me he doesn’t care about me doing xyz. Then in an argument he hates that I don’t do xyz. He switches it up if it’s convienent.

He sulks when he doesn’t get his way. He’s secretive but gives me information when it’s convenient for him but it’s for him to play victim and make me feel bad for scolding him. I can be going off on him for taking out the trash and he’s switch subjects like yeah....they found out my uncle only has 3 Months to live. He has cancer. Bruh what that got to do with the price of tea in China and the trash.
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It doesn't sound like being passive aggressive is his only problem.
 
My exhusband did this to me. He is aggressive and passive aggressive. I denied my needs because the "Christian"thing to do was work for my marriage. (Some church folks are good for giving bad and dangerous advice in the name of the Lord).

It got to the point where if the wrong guy came along, I knew that I would have had an affair. I left before that could happen.

@007PMP
Anger- name calling, belittling, him driving recklessly when angry, punching holes in wall, not letting me go to sleep so that he could argue with me, gaslighting, playing the victim, threats (I can finally speak of this without emotion or breaking down :clapping:)
 
I asked him specific yes or no questions all yesterday. He got annoyed and told me this is not even logical things are yes or no. So then you feel crazy. But the questions are simple.

Do you want me at your games or not? (He previously told me no that doesn’t bother him that I don’t go. In an argument he deserves someone who supports him who wants to be there. And he said he didn’t want me to go because if I did I would ruin his fun)

Do you honestly think I don’t pull my weight enough around the house or I do? He said I did last week. Now we’re arguing I don’t clean enough. I don’t iron enough. I don’t wake up with the baby enough. I sleep a lot. But u didn’t tell ME this.

He said he shouldn’t have to tell me because I told him that I should have to tell him the lawn needs to be cut. He should just know because he takes pride in his house. So he said he should have to tell me that I need to wake up with the baby. I should just know just like he should know. Somebody help me figure out why I know this is valid but these examples are so different. I would not know if he was annoyed that the baby woke him up unless he told me. He would not know the lawn manicured was important to me unless I told him.

Did you agree to ordering me a credit card or not? Was it unreasonable? Why did you not do it? He said I inconvienced him and he had a lot to do at work. I reminded him he had three weeks and he was off for an entire week. Silence.

Do you have resentment or not? Never got an answer.

Did u think it was stupid I asked to meet your friends or not? In our earlier arguement he said he didn’t want me judging his friends and questioning their friendship. That’s why I’ve never met any of his friends. But he agreed to let me meet his friends only to conviently forget every time over 5 years

I might need to stick to yes or no questions. But I feel like this is my downfall. I want to be right. I know he’s dancing around questions to play victim. Ima turn everything around to put it back on him but it might make me go bat crazy.
 
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He texted me saying we need to talk when I got home. He told me he was out and over the relationship because I don’t accept him. That sounds like AKA take my bull. I came home I sat on the couch an hour. Watched the game with him. I don’t watch games. He never said a Word. I added ornanments to a tree. Never said a word. When I brought it up he said he wanted to talk to me, he scratched his head. Said huh? Like I’m craxy. And made me explain what I meant when I said “you wanted to talk to me”. Refuse to lead. When I promoted what he said he started off like so what we gonna do about the kid?

With the girl he was texting he said I’m controlling. It was nothing. The answer that he gave me was not good enough and the answer I wanted so I got mad. BUT I was mad because I hadn’t heard from him in days while he was overseas and that’s inconsiderate considering the kid and I were mikes away. So recently I told him I wanted the baby hair cut early. I told him a barber told me I can go ahead and cut it. When he asked who was the barber I told him who he was a classmate and DH dropped it. That’s fair. He said but I didn’t drop it for the girl because I’m jealous and overbearing. He also felt like I was setting him up. Like I wanted DS to get his haircut by a particular barber that I probably used to talk to. (Which is actually part true. I never talked to him or flirted but he’d hit if I let him. But isn’t that most men *shrugs* he always tells me I look nice and subtly flirts and says hello in passing. ) DH doesn’t know this person. This just a random classmate. He was annoyed. But I’m thinking in bed...why didn’t you say NO then? Why didn’t u say no DS is getting his hair cut at 1 and he is going to my barber. He has an inability to say, “No” to others when he doesn't like something. It’s like expressing no or anger directly will only make his life worse.
 
Is this too much to work on? I’m used to the girl being passive aggressive. Not the male. It’s a very feminine trait. Because of this it diminishes my want to respect him. But I feel this is so rigid and deep in gender roles it may be unfair. But I also feel abused because even if I call out the abuse he will make me look crazy like he’s no ignoring my needs or making me feel unsure...I’m the crazy one
 
Black Ambrosia said:
@PrissiSippi You two have been having issues for awhile? I think I remember an old thread but I may be confusing you with someone else. Have you tried counseling? How long are you willing to put up with this?
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Not long. Bout two hours. I’m through foreal. I end up getting optimistic about change but this stuff right here when I read it over and over....counseling is needed and that’s on him to do alone. Not be making him go. Not me pushing him to go. And this takes time. I don’t have time to wait and keep getting abused and annoyed more.
 
PrissiSippi said:
I asked him specific yes or no questions all yesterday. He got annoyed and told me this is not even logical things are yes or no. So then you feel crazy. But the questions are simple.

Do you want me at your games or not? (He previously told me no that doesn’t bother him that I don’t go. In an argument he deserves someone who supports him who wants to be there. And he said he didn’t want me to go because if I did I would ruin his fun)

Do you honestly think I don’t pull my weight enough around the house or I do? He said I did last week. Now we’re arguing I don’t clean enough. I don’t iron enough. I don’t wake up with the baby enough. I sleep a lot. But u didn’t tell ME this.

He said he shouldn’t have to tell me because I told him that I should have to tell him the lawn needs to be cut. He should just know because he takes pride in his house. So he said he should have to tell me that I need to wake up with the baby. I should just know just like he should know. Somebody help me figure out why I know this is valid but these examples are so different. I would not know if he was annoyed that the baby woke him up unless he told me. He would not know the lawn manicured was important to me unless I told him.

Did you agree to ordering me a credit card or not? Was it unreasonable? Why did you not do it? He said I inconvienced him and he had a lot to do at work. I reminded him he had three weeks and he was off for an entire week. Silence.

Do you have resentment or not? Never got an answer.

Did u think it was stupid I asked to meet your friends or not? In our earlier arguement he said he didn’t want me judging his friends and questioning their friendship. That’s why I’ve never met any of his friends. But he agreed to let me meet his friends only to conviently forget every time over 5 years

I might need to stick to yes or no questions. But I feel like this is my downfall. I want to be right. I know he’s dancing around questions to play victim. Ima turn everything around to put it back on him but it might make me go bat crazy.
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Wait. You've never met any of his friends?
 
PrissiSippi said:
Is this too much to work on? I’m used to the girl being passive aggressive. Not the male. It’s a very feminine trait. Because of this it diminishes my want to respect him. But I feel this is so rigid and deep in gender roles it may be unfair. But I also feel abused because even if I call out the abuse he will make me look crazy like he’s no ignoring my needs or making me feel unsure...I’m the crazy one
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A lot of what you're posting sounds like more than passive aggression. Sounds like a lot of gaslighting to me.
 
007PMP said:
Divorce or breakup. Period.

I’m not one to withhold sx, even when I’m mad BF can still (and will) get it. I can be mad and still get wet so there’s no excuse.

The same applies to a man. He can still get hard and be pissed off. So we’re good. I’m sure about 5 minutes it, you’ll come to grips with what upsetting you and we can talk after. :look:
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I can't do this. If I'm angry or upset, I can't have sex with that person. Now if I just feel lazy or tired, then yeah maybe. But hurt and sex can't be linked for me.
 
qchelle said:
Wait. You've never met any of his friends?
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Never. They weren’t in the wedding. His cousins were. He only has about three friends. He sees them once a month. He drives to see them about an hour away. I have never met them. If I ask they are working or they live at home with their mom. Can’t have company. Or they have crazy hours. I have never met them. Then he in arguments says it’s because I will judge them.
 
lesedi said:
I can't do this. If I'm angry or upset, I can't have sex with that person. Now if I just feel lazy or tired, then yeah maybe. But hurt and sex can't be linked for me.
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I think it has to do with a persons love language and how they view sex. If I’m upset, 9 out of 10 times I’m going to show my state of anger through sex. So to deny me, is denying my ability to get past my anger. Once we have sex, then I’m more open to conflict/resolution and dialogue.

I don’t know how many women are wired like me, but it’s who I am and it takes a certain kind of person to embrace this.

My BF is the same, which is why our sex life is never interrupted by conflict. We can be mad and get happy real quick at the sight of seeing each other naked or just doing something that is physically attractive to one another.

The only issue we have is the power struggle and we are both used to being in environments that make room for our stubbornness.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Never. They weren’t in the wedding. His cousins were. He only has about three friends. He sees them once a month. He drives to see them about an hour away. I have never met them. If I ask they are working or they live at home with their mom. Can’t have company. Or they have crazy hours. I have never met them. Then he in arguments says it’s because I will judge them.
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My intentions are not to diagnose you or him so hopefully my questions don’t come across as such.

If I may ask, how was your relationship with him previous to getting married? Specifically, the integration of both of your social life’s and friends?

I’m not the smartest one when it comes to relationships, as I have only child syndrome (even at 40) that I’m constantly working through. Regarding not knowing his family, I always interpreted that to be a red flag and treated my ex as though it was. I met his mom once briefly but it wasn’t until 8 years went by before she and his siblings started to integrate themselves.

To go a step further, in all of our 13/14 years of being married, I never met (Talked to only) 3 of his childhood best friends. Knew a lot about them but never met them face to face. I use to hold that over his head until I came to terms with the fact that it was my problem and not his. That wasn’t a “thing” for him and had no influence on how he loved me or himself.

So I say this to say, you not meeting his family could mean there’s something to worry about OR it could not. If it matters to you, the only thing you can do is express it and learn more about why he feels you will judge them.

Remember, y’all are married and a team. Period. You work together to seek to understand and learn how to optimize your marriage first before labeling and taking positions. I hope I’m not coming across as preachy; not my intent.
 
lesedi said:
I can't do this. If I'm angry or upset, I can't have sex with that person. Now if I just feel lazy or tired, then yeah maybe. But hurt and sex can't be linked for me.
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I think DH May be like this. I’m not. I’m detached as it relates to sex. I can be pissed off at u have angry sex lol and I may be mad or not after. Depends on the sex lol.


qchelle said:
"Emotional abuse that makes the victim question their own perception and memories". I'd cite the example of when he said y'all needed to talk and acted like he didn't know what you were talking about when you brought it up.
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Ohhhh. I thought that was to shift me back into the leader mood. He doesn’t want to lead. When I asked “So you wanted to talk to me” I had to initiate the talk. I asked what is the reason for that. He doesn’t know. And it absolutely makes me crazy like I’m nitpicking or I’m unreasonable. He didn’t even bring it up. But it was serious especially if ire like “oh I just wanted to know what we were doing with the kid” which means u made the decision to separate. And then when I get home...nothing. No biggie.


007PMP said:
My intentions are not to diagnose you or him so hopefully my questions don’t come across as such.

If I may ask, how was your relationship with him previous to getting married? Specifically, the integration of both of your social life’s and friends?

I’m not the smartest one when it comes to relationships, as I have only child syndrome (even at 40) that I’m constantly working through. Regarding not knowing his family, I always interpreted that to be a red flag and treated my ex as though it was. I met his mom once briefly but it wasn’t until 8 years went by before she and his siblings started to integrate themselves.

To go a step further, in all of our 13/14 years of being married, I never met (Talked to only) 3 of his childhood best friends. Knew a lot about them but never met them face to face. I use to hold that over his head until I came to terms with the fact that it was my problem and not his. That wasn’t a “thing” for him and had no influence on how he loved me or himself.

So I say this to say, you not meeting his family could mean there’s something to worry about OR it could not. If it matters to you, the only thing you can do is express it and learn more about why he feels you will judge them.

Remember, y’all are married and a team. Period. You work together to seek to understand and learn how to optimize your marriage first before labeling and taking positions. I hope I’m not coming across as preachy; not my intent.
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I met all his family. Extended and nuclear. But I haven’t met ANY of his friends. This is something that makes me feel unreasonable too. I met the family. That’s enough right. But why Can I never even meet the friends? It’s not that often he spends with them. Once a month. But still.

My problem is that I expressed it five years. He always agrees to let me meet them. Then he “forgets” or he says he tried but he can’t help they they have weird schedules. Or like this week he claims this was the week I was going to meet them but I instead went to my bff kid birthday party. I said did you bring it up when I asked you could we go to BFF bday party and u saw that I overbooked? He said no because it wasn’t important. I figured your bff was more important than my friends. But then if we get to arguing he will say he tried but put the blame on me that I had the opportunity but went to my friend’s house instead.
 
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@PrissiSippi
I’m glad you wrote all that out. It really helps to get things out of your head and onto paper. When you see things in black and white it becomes clearer. There is tons of info on the internet about gaslighting.

I think what will help you the most is to stop thinking of your dh as beta or weak or a nice guy. Let those things go and keep looking at his behavior, what he actually does and doesn’t do. His personality versus his behavior I think is causing you cognitive dissonance. His personality is a tactic to throw you off. The big lug, afraid to confront things is sort of an act, to throw you off from his true feelings and his real self. Just remember that all people do good things and behave nicely sometimes. It can be a lure to capture you. Kinda like the camouflage that animals use. It’s the reason for the term, wolves in sheeps clothing.

Never meeting his friends is strange and a sign of him hiding something from you and being secretive.

Always forgetting things is a way for him to have his way, do what he wants, without actually saying no, and drive you nuts in the process. All the while going back to the big dumb lug act. Why are you always mad at me? I’m trying sooo hard. Riiight, sure you are.

Him not calling his new wife and young baby for days while out of the country is ridiculous. Makes no sense.

Gaslighting is a subtle and covert form of abuse. It is unkind and mean.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Never. They weren’t in the wedding. His cousins were. He only has about three friends. He sees them once a month. He drives to see them about an hour away. I have never met them. If I ask they are working or they live at home with their mom. Can’t have company. Or they have crazy hours. I have never met them. Then he in arguments says it’s because I will judge them.
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This is bizarre. Do you know that these people actually exist? What was the reason that they weren't at the wedding?
 
@PrissiSippi
Your dh has found your blind spot. He has you going in circles trying to catch him. You are trying to use logic to solve a problem that has no direct answers. You are trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. He is actually using your intellect and desire to solve problems, get to the bottom of things, against you. Your intellect and infinite patience is being used against you. What you have to do is make you your number one priority. You have to prioritize your happiness and peace over being right, over winning, even over being married. You deserve calm, to be happy, and to feel loved and supported.

You are currently living in chaos and constant drama.
 
PrissiSippi said:
I think DH May be like this. I’m not. I’m detached as it relates to sex. I can be pissed off at u have angry sex lol and I may be mad or not after. Depends on the sex lol.




Ohhhh. I thought that was to shift me back into the leader mood. He doesn’t want to lead. When I asked “So you wanted to talk to me” I had to initiate the talk. I asked what is the reason for that. He doesn’t know. And it absolutely makes me crazy like I’m nitpicking or I’m unreasonable. He didn’t even bring it up. But it was serious especially if ire like “oh I just wanted to know what we were doing with the kid” which means u made the decision to separate. And then when I get home...nothing. No biggie.



I met all his family. Extended and nuclear. But I haven’t met ANY of his friends. This is something that makes me feel unreasonable too. I met the family. That’s enough right. But why Can I never even meet the friends? It’s not that often he spends with them. Once a month. But still.

My problem is that I expressed it five years. He always agrees to let me meet them. Then he “forgets” or he says he tried but he can’t help they they have weird schedules. Or like this week he claims this was the week I was going to meet them but I instead went to my bff kid birthday party. I said did you bring it up when I asked you could we go to BFF bday party and u saw that I overbooked? He said no because it wasn’t important. I figured your bff was more important than my friends. But then if we get to arguing he will say he tried but put the blame on me that I had the opportunity but went to my friend’s house instead.
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I can understand your position with the friends. Idk if trust plays a part but without it manifesting in all aspects of a relationship, some of the most simplistic matters can grow complicated.
 
hopeful said:
@PrissiSippi
Your dh has found your blind spot. He has you going in circles trying to catch him. You are trying to use logic to solve a problem that has no direct answers. You are trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. He is actually using your intellect and desire to solve problems, get to the bottom of things, against you. Your intellect and infinite patience is being used against you. What you have to do is make you your number one priority. You have to prioritize your happiness and peace over being right, over winning, even over being married. You deserve calm, to be happy, and to feel loved and supported.

You are currently living in chaos and constant drama.
Click to expand...
This is so true. I am going to drive myself crazy trying to use logic to figure this out. I pulled back out that book you gave me and articles and thinking back on past scenarios. I feel like a mad scientist saying AH HA! But for what cause? I think I needed to figure it out for myself first though. Now I can pinpoint what he is doing.
 
Theresamonet said:
@PrissiSippi It also seems like him texting you that he was done was just a scare tactic. I think he expected you to be crying in your soup, singing "And I'm telling you, I'm not going", when he got home. Instead you were watching tv and hanging ornaments. :lol: He then decided to abandon that ploy, cause it already wasn't going his way.
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True. I didn’t think of it that way. Life went on. In fact he told me he was leaving. Usually I cry. This time I said okay I’m okay with your decision. He didn’t come home. He didnt tell me where he was. I slept that night and left the next morning and drove to Memphis the next day. He came home to an completely empty house. I contacted him and told him I was safe and said I hope you are to to put the “victim” back on him because he could have told me where he was. I enjoyed my weekend and came back like....what’s Good?
 
@PrissiSippi

I'd like for you to check out this book, or at least Google the highlights. It will help you figure out if your relationship is salvageable.

When your husband goes to see his friends? How long are his visits? Do you have their full names? You need to throw him off one day by saying that you have plans and then flipping the script and going for a ride along.

Amazon product ASIN 0609805797
 
Hopeful is spot on.

Unsure if it's intentional or not, but he is using your personality/tendencies and what he knows you think of him (beta, bumbling dude) in order to do what he wants to do. It's a control factor. It's wayyy beyond passive aggressive or beta because both of those can function semi healthy relationships, but what he's doing is gaslightimg and it's all to make you the bad guy.

I think you will do well to not take the bait and most certainly not give into the desire to be right, explain yourself, justify your actions...etc. None of that is working or will work, especially if hes gaslighting. When he's on that kick is also best to not engage as in if he tells you he wants to talk, let him initiate and go knit, decorate the tree whatever until/if he decides..whatever you're into. When you engage its likely to turn into a fight where he becomes the victim and you the bad guy. It wont stop. I wish you the best. I was involved with a gaslighter and I'm happy to be on the other side of it. We weren't married or had kids together, so you're in a whole different league.
 
intellectualuva said:
Hopeful is spot on.

Unsure if it's intentional or not, but he is using your personality/tendencies and what he knows you think of him (beta, bumbling dude) in order to do what he wants to do. It's a control factor. It's wayyy beyond passive aggressive or beta because both of those can function semi healthy relationships, but what he's doing is gaslightimg and it's all to make you the bad guy.

I think you will do well to not take the bait and most certainly not give into the desire to be right, explain yourself, justify your actions...etc. None of that is working or will work, especially if hes gaslighting. When he's on that kick is also best to not engage as in if he tells you he wants to talk, let him initiate and go knit, decorate the tree whatever until/if he decides..whatever you're into. When you engage its likely to turn into a fight where he becomes the victim and you the bad guy. It wont stop. I wish you the best. I was involved with a gaslighter and I'm happy to be on the other side of it. We weren't married or had kids together, so you're in a whole different league.
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So I’m guessing the main thing I can do is make a boundary and stick to it. And move on. Don’t explain anything and turn it back on him.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Lmao u gangsta. You got him with your car? What happened?
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Welp, he call himself "stalking" me and came over to my apartment intent on vandalizing my car. He didn't expect to see me out there at the same time. And, after verbally assaulting me, he stabbed one of my $100 tires, then went sauntering off like the cat who ate the canary. Before the tire could deflate completely, I climbed behind the wheel...told all the cautionary voices to STFU...aimed that car at his narrow axe and stepped on the gas. The look of horror on his face when he realized I was NOT slowing down was priceless!:lachen:
Being the spry athlete that he was, he flew over the hood and hit the payment and rolled along the gravel into a parked car. I stopped my car then, because...well, because it was funny.

But then he jumped up...girl...he was pissed...he wanted to punch me....so he grabbed the side mirror, since the doors were locked and the window was up...And I punched the car in reverse and dragged him a few feet in the other direction.

By then, my tire was low, so I just booked on out the parking lot and drove around the block to the opposite end of the parking lot. He didn't see me when I came back, but I saw him limping out the other side looking like he just got hit by a car. He never bothered me after that. I did call him one last time and left a message asking who was the "B" now?
But that was 1,000 years ago. I would never do anything like that now.:look:
 
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PrissiSippi said:
True. I didn’t think of it that way. Life went on. In fact he told me he was leaving. Usually I cry. This time I said okay I’m okay with your decision. He didn’t come home. He didnt tell me where he was. I slept that night and left the next morning and drove to Memphis the next day. He came home to an completely empty house. I contacted him and told him I was safe and said I hope you are to to put the “victim” back on him because he could have told me where he was. I enjoyed my weekend and came back like....what’s Good?
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Alienation of affection. It’s a form of abandonment. It’s abusive. This is what abuse looks like. It’s not always hitting, and screaming at you. So just like hopeful said, stop trying to make sense out of something that doesn’t make sense.

The question is what are you willing to tolerate and put up with? I’m not gonna tell you to leave your husband, but like I said before, you are in a sunken place. You will start to rationalize not getting what you want and need from your partner as being ok. You will have to change and talk yourself into how to manage yourself when he behaves like that. I’m going to tell you now, that is no way to live. It is such a sad and lonely place.
Just get quiet. This isn’t about silent treatment, or a struggle for power. The only way to handle somebody like that is to not feed into it, and mentally check out.
 
shortdub78 said:
Alienation of affection. It’s a form of abandonment. It’s abusive. This is what abuse looks like. It’s not always hitting, and screaming at you. So just like hopeful said, stop trying to make sense out of something that doesn’t make sense.

The question is what are you willing to tolerate and put up with? I’m not gonna tell you to leave your husband, but like I said before, you are in a sunken place. You will start to rationalize not getting what you want and need from your partner as being ok. You will have to change and talk yourself into how to manage yourself when he behaves like that. I’m going to tell you now, that is no way to live. It is such a sad and lonely place.
Just get quiet. This isn’t about silent treatment, or a struggle for power. The only way to handle somebody like that is to not feed into it, and mentally check out.
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I was finna start off with I don’t understand why he’s ..... but I read the first paragraph. Yeah I’ll work on mentally chrcking out. I’m lonely though.
 
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