LDRs: When He Misses the Phone Call?

[kmn1980]

"I'm okay. What's up?"

???? That sounds like he was sitting there listening to your messages every time you called and was too busy playing XBox to answer.

I know some would disagree but best believe, ya'll are in a LDR so he's going to do what he's going to do. Don't lose any sleep over him. If it works out, fine. If not, fine. I'm just saying to be realistic about your expectations from this situation.

 

[Zuleika]

Classic case of an emotionally unavailable man. I don't even know where to start, there's nothing for you there, please move on, no matter how much he calls. Please, please stop the emotional roller coaster. Men like this waste women's lives. It's not worth it I mean you two have only been together two months and there's already waterworks? You should still be in the honeymoon period, LDR or not.

 

[msdeevee]

I'm so sorry this happened to you loolalooh but that's exactly why I stand by my original post.

As I said I'm an old married woman but I had extensive dating experience and I have many friends that have been through all types of scenarios.

I'm not into playing games either but when he texted you back that "I'm ok, what's up" line that was an obvious undercover "why you blowing up my phone" passive aggressive response. He told you right there where he was at with you.

Like I said in my 2nd response he was prolly sitting right there looking at you calling and texting him and he was trying to play you to see just how far you were gonna go.

Then like another poster said the convo turned to you crying and ole boy had the nerve to hang up on you more than once. Then when he calls back its to satisfy himself , you saying good night to him rather than him calling because he's distressed about you crying. know it hurts but he does not care for you the way he should. Like said before this is your honeymoon phase the time when y'all are talking on the phone at every opportunity and cooing and booing . Two months , really!!!!! You are worth so much more than this.

There is nothing he can say that would get me back on his roller coaster he is showing you what he is it is only going to get worse.

 

[MissYocairis]

I was giving him the benefit of the doubt until he hung up on you. That is a nono. Especially in LDR's! And I agree with the ladies who say it's too soon for tears and strife. You guys are in your honeymoon stage and he is navigating the relationship like this? Not a good sign. I'm sorry this happened. Just be glad it wasn't 2 yeras down the line. You discovered early what you need to know.

 

[loolalooh]

Thank you for the support, ladies. I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

I definitely won't answer his calls IF he calls. This is too much ...

 

[chocolat79]

^^^^ He WILL call, so just make sure to resolve NOW that you won't answer. As a matter of fact, if your phone has this feature, just send ALL his calls straight to VM. That way, you won't EVEN have to worry about answering it and you can choose to listen the message or just delete it.

BTW, a person has only ONE time to hang up on me intentionally. ONCE. That is one of THE most disrespectful things in the world, IMO :heated:

You gave him the benefit of the doubt and he showed you who he was. Keep it moving and at least you found out sooner rather than later.

 

[FebeeSigns]

If I can't reach him in all ways I tried, I would try reaching a known friend of his or a family member. My guy gave me some emergency info in case anything happened to him. I would definitey go for that and try and get some info about where he is and what's going on. I would be worried However, If I got nothing, I would stop trying. Wait for him or someone else to tell me what happened to him. i wouldn't be angry at all, just really worried. I'll have to be patient and have hope that he'll contact me again soon, especially if I know he loves me.

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

I'm sorry this happened to you, but It's a great experience. One you've learnt from, I hope.

I know you don't like playing games, but there are certain rules EVERY girl should abide by.

1) Never call the man.

Teach them that if they want to speak to you, they need to call you. If you can't stop yourself from calling, delete the number.

2) Don't make yourself readily available. (especially the early days) Always accept the 2nd date, not the first. If its a LDR, accept the 2nd call. Never pick up on the first rings.

3) Never EVER let a man hear you cry or know he got to you. He's not worth your damn tears. If you have feelings you want to express, express them to your pillow. Be more thick skinned. And don't start with ''That hurt me'' say something like ''Your behaviour is unacceptable, I don't wish to speak to you tonight or the rest of the week.'' You don't want the guy to think you're vulnerable, he'll just use that to his advantage. Be assertive!

4) Don't do schedules anymore. Let things just happen. Let calls just happen. A sepecific time to talk can put a lot of men off. Especially young men. Men don't like talking much, they talk because that's what we like doing. Let a man talk when he wants to talk. I know us ladies can have discussions for hours, not really knowing what we're discussing but that's not how men operate. Unless you're panting on the phone, stimulating his little man.. he's not having a great time. The first few months, let him innitiate the call. Atleast then you know he wants to talk, not talking because he feels like he has to.

5) Teach him what you will accept, and what you won't accept.

If he does something you don't approve of. It's not 'playing games' to give them the silent treatment. Actions speak 1,000 more than words. You telling him, won't change his behaviour. But you not speaking to him, definitely will. (If he cares for you)

I could go on, but reading from your story... those were the tips that came to my head.

I hope in future you don't invest so much early on in a relationship. 2 months is still very new. And for him to have already made you cry, worries me. Men will trample on if you let them. Learn to not 'love' easily. I know when we're younger, we are more eager to give our love away.

Hey listen to this song. One of my fav . The lyrics are very relevant ---> YouTube - Fairground Attraction - Perfect (Lyrics)

The song starts with ''life is too short to play silly games.'' I think to a degree everybody plays games. People always hold back their emotions. People think twice about what they're going to say. Little things like that is fine! Nobody likes to scare the other person off, or come across too strong. When we initially meet somebody, we meet their lawyer (who they're representing themselves to be) Now you seem like a real genuine girl. You need to get yourself a lawyer. Be assertive, show who you are, but not too much. Don't give everything away straight away, if he's the right guy you got your whole life to talk. I used to be really honest, straightforward, make myself emotionally available... I was very idealistic. But that's not how the world works. I was naive, to say the least. Quickly learn that men's words pretty much mean nothing, 90% of the time. ONLY look at his actions. When you started the thread initially, his actions were speaking volumes.

Please don't waste your time with him or men similar to him.

Always follow your head first, then your heart.
Your brain is in your head, not your heart!!!!

 

[loolalooh]

Thanks again for your tips, ladies. I have some questions about the "game" ... particularly the part about holding back emotions ...

I held back a large portion of my emotions (for protection) in the first month / month and half we were together. He really hated it. He didn't like that I was nonchalant about how I really felt. The best example I can remember is one evening when I was upset about something he did. (I can't remember what it was.) So I told him what it was, that I couldn't stay, and we would just talk later. He begged and pleaded that I stay and talk to him about it ... open up to him about it. I said no, I really had to go and just talk to him later. So I left, only to get a one-page letter expressing that he couldn't be in a relationship with me. He needs to be with someone who will talk to him no matter what. In future discussions he revealed that it was important for me to communicate my feelings in order for him to learn and understand me. That when I'm hurting, let him know so that he knows what does/doesn't hurt me. That when I'm upset, let him know. That when I'm happy, let him know. This is my confusion. Obviously, in the most recent conversation I poured my feelings and he stomped on them. On the other hand, early on, when I would cover them up and say "I'm okay", he'd get upset and frustrated. A couple weeks ago, that sentiment was expressed again. "Loo, I need you to be direct and honest with me."

I'll do the "game" in the future, since it protects the woman's emotions. Never again will I let another dude get a hold of them so quickly. My only question is: are there some guys where the "game" will just push them away? (Good guys, that is?)

Thanks in advance. OT: I really appreciate the support y'all are giving. My bff is soo busy with work these days, that we barely have time to talk.

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

Thanks again for your tips, ladies. I have some questions about the "game" ... particularly the part about holding back emotions ...

I held back a large portion of my emotions (for protection) in the first month / month and half we were together. He really hated it. He didn't like that I was nonchalant about how I really felt. The best example I can remember is one evening when I was upset about something he did. (I can't remember what it was.) So I told him what it was, that I couldn't stay, and we would just talk later. He begged and pleaded that I stay and talk to him about it ... open up to him about it. I said no, I really had to go and just talk to him later. So I left, only to get a one-page letter expressing that he couldn't be in a relationship with me. He needs to be with someone who will talk to him no matter what. In future discussions he revealed that it was important for me to communicate my feelings in order for him to learn and understand me. That when I'm hurting, let him know so that he knows what does/doesn't hurt me. That when I'm upset, let him know. That when I'm happy, let him know. This is my confusion. Obviously, in the most recent conversation I poured my feelings and he stomped on them. On the other hand, early on, when I would cover them up and say "I'm okay", he'd get upset and frustrated. A couple weeks ago, that sentiment was expressed again. "Loo, I need you to be direct and honest with me."

I'll do the "game" in the future, since it protects the woman's emotions. Never again will I let another dude get a hold of them so quickly. My only question is: are there some guys where the "game" will just push them away? (Good guys, that is?)

Thanks in advance. OT: I really appreciate the support y'all are giving. My bff is soo busy with work these days, that we barely have time to talk.

He wanted you to let your shield down, bring down your walls. So you can invest in him emotionally, making it harder for you to see clearer. Because from an outsiders perspective, we could see he was a dawg from your first comment, and it just got worst from thereon.

Communication is key, I agree. But actions speak louder than words. When you're upset... don't say ''I'm ok, everything is fine.'' That's annoying to anybody (especially if they care) Just explain in a very nonchalant way that his behaviour (whatever made you upset) is not cool with you, then smile (always smile, that drives them crazy ).. and say you're busy right now but you'll discuss it another time. Then smile again! Then ignore his calls for a while, and let him think about what he did.

Men need to be trained, and the early days are vital to put them in check. They're checking out what you will accept, and will not. If they think they can walk all over you, you stand no chance. That's when your calls will be ignored, your emails.. and they'll get back to you when they want, because they know they're in control of the situation. But if you put them in check early on, they'll know they can't do stupid ish like that. So you'll get a call back in 10mins tops.. if not.. a text explaining what they're doing. If a guy refuses to be put in check, and give you the respect you deserve. IT's alright, you didn't miss out on anything but a wild dawg. He wanted to jump on you, walk all over you, and piss on you. Just have standards and stick to them. And don't bend them for any guy. If he wants you, he's going to work for it. Any man who isn't going to work for it, doesn't reallly want you.

Your question about what about the good guys!... Gurl don't believe any guy is good until he proves to you he is. You need to run the game on everybody. Don't believe a guy who says ''I'm not into games.'' He's probably the master of games. Like this guy told you, I want to know when you're upset.. so I can make you happy. Can you say BULL ... SH!T. As soon as he sees you upset, what did he do? He hung up. He just wanted to make you vulnerable, and he knows that once your emotions are out of balance, he's got more control. While he lays in bed happy, you're up thinking ''where did I go wrong.''

Emotions only cloud your judgement. Always keep them in check. I'm not going to pretend I've never had ''feelings'' lol. Ofcourse I have, but like I said... I express them to my pillow. Then I get up, and with a CLEAR head.. and my non-chalant tone I tell the guy I'm busy, and I proceed to give him air-time.

Don't open your heart easily, he needs to work for the key. And always keep your feelings in check. Don't sound hysterical, or hurt...

Keep it cool.

 

[loolalooh]

^^^^ Thank you, Chocolatelove2010! Yea, my judgment was REALLY clouded. I woke up this morning thinking about that mess and why I, for even a second, thought I was in the wrong. (Yesterday was hard ... I was thinking maybe I did screw up by asking questions first instead of just saying I'm hurt, etc.. Today I'm having more clarity.)

He hasn't called, but I've blocked his number so that any calls go straight to voicemail. He lost a really good woman ... not the other way around. It's his loss ... not mine.

 

[YaniraNaturally]

Loo, I just wanted to say that I really admire how you're handling things right now. The last phone convo kinda got out of hand but you rebounded and that's what is important. Remember- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!

 

[msdeevee]

It's really sad but I agree with chocolatelove.

I don't think any Woman goes into it wanting to play games but you do have to kind of bide your time with a Man especially if you're looking for something permanent.

Your post saying that he encouraged you to open up at first just screamed "MANIPULATION " to me. He seemed to be wanting you to open up and be vulnerable to him so he could know you and how to work you and then when you tried to open up and tried to tell him how you felt he basically cut you off and didn't want to hear it hanging up on you more than once.

You're right "his loss" this guy has issues and he is showing you clearly. Even though you have him blocked he hasn't tried to call you anyway after you were so upset and crying.

I hate to quote Oprah but one thing she said is very true"when a person shows you who they are believe them"

We want to blame ourselves and look at what we did to make him do what he did. You didn't do anything this is his failing not yours. When a Man really wants a woman he goes out of his way to get her when that man comes for you you'll know it.

 

[LovinLocks]

I kinda can't wait to read you ladies responses. My "situation" qualifies as LD due to several factors. But, ahem, it seems when I read "He's Just Not That Into You" . . . the advice is, "If he doesn't call, don't call him asking "Did you get my mail, text, etc. . . . . he's just not that into you". Consequently, RIGHT THIS SECOND, I'm online with a bunch of strangers (LHCF women) to try and not think about how I want to talk to HIM. So, girlfriend, I'm with ya ('cept I ain't calling or texting and in a minute gonna turn off phone and computer and go to bed . . . gotta pull 12 hour overnight shift tomorrow).

P.S. And, if he keeps this **** up too much longer, I'm done. **** too many dudes in the sea for this bullisht. (Aah, yeah, I'm annoyed about it).

 

[LovinLocks]

NO! Never play "games". BUT, I have learned (the hard way, 'cause I didn't wanna play "games" either). I didn't get it when Mamma would say, "Don't be so available". I get it now. Do I still suffer from availabilityitis . . . YUP. ESPECIALLY now, being here, new state, no friends, all alone. Still doesn't lessen the valuable lesson . . . don't be so available.

Having said that, were I you I would pick up the phone WHEN HE CALLS ME like normal folk, after 2-3 rings. Yup. To keep from playing games I am thinking keep conversation flowing. If you have questions, why this and than, about something - this will be the time to ask him and have them addressed baby girl. So, no. don't play games, YOU don't have time for it. And, here's the bottom line (by my way of thinking) . . .

Either a couple want each other; OR they don't. Simple. If they do, they'll conduct themselves accordingly. If NOT, let's keep it moving (by saying so and keeping it real). Too many good dudes you (and me) could be with, no need for games and prolonging stuff, nor festering in a bad, unproductive, or whatever, relationship.

 

[LovinLocks]

OH MY GODDD, thank you, thank you, thank you; IT IS SO NICE to see someone who does this as if I am asking too dam_____ much. I am SO glad this is working for you.

I am in a LDR and we have spoken with each other at 9:30p every night (except when a prearranged change has been agreed upon) since Feb 24, 2010. He calls me all the time, so it hasn't happen yet. I would think if he didn't call something has happened to him. I would give it until 10:30p then I would get on the phone calling his mother and his grandmother, because something is wrong.

He told me upfront since this is a LDR, if he didn't call me every night something has happened to him. We only do texting and email during the day. Texting and emails never takes the place of a phone call, they are only extras.
​

 

[LovinLocks]

You're joking right? I'm just trying to pull a mental mindgame like he's doing. He's okay what's up? That is hysterical. He KNOWS what's up. Don't call him.

My fiance is in CT and I'm in NY currently. When married he will relocate to NY or Ca (the only two places I'm moving as I'm an artist. Depends on where I'm doing my phd and/or if my writing is taking off...er when). His job as a doctor is more flexible, though. BUT what I'll point out is that a guy is willing to do anything for someone he's crazy about so even in the beginning stages he will darn sure pick up the phone. OR have the courtesy to call you back as soon as he can. This seems to go down in the flames (your relationship) and will not be an ideal relationship even if it survives if it continues on this path.

I will say this I never had set times to talk but best believe if I called he calls back. Sure sometimes it's a little later as he's at the hospital, but he'll get back to me asap. Usually I get a text five minutes or so later saying he's at work he'll call me in an hour, or whatever. And then he DOES.

I am so touched by your dating experience here. I am in utter tears (been doing a lot of that lately though). Thank you for sharing. It is oh so wonderful to see SOMEbody with a man who obviously loves her.

LL

 

[hopeful]

I would not worry about games. I would focus on standards. Open up when you feel comfortable opening up. If a guy doesn't call at an appointed time, wait it out, don't call again, then text, then e-mail, etc. Never ever call someone back who hangs up on you, EVER. You do not want a guy who has the nerve to hang up on you. That should be a dealbreaker.

 

[Britt]

I'm sorry this happened to you, but It's a great experience. One you've learnt from, I hope.

I know you don't like playing games, but there are certain rules EVERY girl should abide by.

1) Never call the man.

Teach them that if they want to speak to you, they need to call you. If you can't stop yourself from calling, delete the number.

2) Don't make yourself readily available. (especially the early days) Always accept the 2nd date, not the first. If its a LDR, accept the 2nd call. Never pick up on the first rings.

3) Never EVER let a man hear you cry or know he got to you. He's not worth your damn tears. If you have feelings you want to express, express them to your pillow. Be more thick skinned. And don't start with ''That hurt me'' say something like ''Your behaviour is unacceptable, I don't wish to speak to you tonight or the rest of the week.'' You don't want the guy to think you're vulnerable, he'll just use that to his advantage. Be assertive!

4) Don't do schedules anymore. Let things just happen. Let calls just happen. A sepecific time to talk can put a lot of men off. Especially young men. Men don't like talking much, they talk because that's what we like doing. Let a man talk when he wants to talk. I know us ladies can have discussions for hours, not really knowing what we're discussing but that's not how men operate. Unless you're panting on the phone, stimulating his little man.. he's not having a great time. The first few months, let him innitiate the call. Atleast then you know he wants to talk, not talking because he feels like he has to.

5) Teach him what you will accept, and what you won't accept.

If he does something you don't approve of. It's not 'playing games' to give them the silent treatment. Actions speak 1,000 more than words. You telling him, won't change his behaviour. But you not speaking to him, definitely will. (If he cares for you)

I could go on, but reading from your story... those were the tips that came to my head.

I hope in future you don't invest so much early on in a relationship. 2 months is still very new. And for him to have already made you cry, worries me. Men will trample on if you let them. Learn to not 'love' easily. I know when we're younger, we are more eager to give our love away.

Hey listen to this song. One of my fav . The lyrics are very relevant ---> YouTube - Fairground Attraction - Perfect (Lyrics)

The song starts with ''life is too short to play silly games.'' I think to a degree everybody plays games. People always hold back their emotions. People think twice about what they're going to say. Little things like that is fine! Nobody likes to scare the other person off, or come across too strong. When we initially meet somebody, we meet their lawyer (who they're representing themselves to be) Now you seem like a real genuine girl. You need to get yourself a lawyer. Be assertive, show who you are, but not too much. Don't give everything away straight away, if he's the right guy you got your whole life to talk. I used to be really honest, straightforward, make myself emotionally available... I was very idealistic. But that's not how the world works. I was naive, to say the least. Quickly learn that men's words pretty much mean nothing, 90% of the time. ONLY look at his actions. When you started the thread initially, his actions were speaking volumes.

Please don't waste your time with him or men similar to him.

Always follow your head first, then your heart.
Your brain is in your head, not your heart!!!!

Damnnnn ! :notworthy :notworthy
I had to quote this b/c so much truth is spoken in this post. A lot of gems for me to make use of, especially b/c I know myself to be idealistic and too soft and genuine.

 

[Britt]

It's really sad but I agree with chocolatelove.

I don't think any Woman goes into it wanting to play games but you do have to kind of bide your time with a Man especially if you're looking for something permanent.

Your post saying that he encouraged you to open up at first just screamed "MANIPULATION " to me. He seemed to be wanting you to open up and be vulnerable to him so he could know you and how to work you and then when you tried to open up and tried to tell him how you felt he basically cut you off and didn't want to hear it hanging up on you more than once.

You're right "his loss" this guy has issues and he is showing you clearly. Even though you have him blocked he hasn't tried to call you anyway after you were so upset and crying.

I hate to quote Oprah but one thing she said is very true"when a person shows you who they are believe them"

We want to blame ourselves and look at what we did to make him do what he did. You didn't do anything this is his failing not yours. When a Man really wants a woman he goes out of his way to get her when that man comes for you you'll know it.

Another gospel post
To the bolded, this is the truest thing ever, and it goes for everyone not just men. I know sometimes I will try and rationalize a person's behavior b/c I don't want to think too rigidly or be judgemental, but man oh man, this saying is so true. In regards to men, I do try and be mindful that they do not operate like women at all and this misunderstanding oftentimes leads to problems. But when dude was dismissive and was like 'hey, what's up' like shyt was sweet, that def showed a side of him that was to come. It's way too early to be showing your arse like that. The positive thing is that he showed it to you early so you can keep it pushing. But if you're anything like myself, you prob had feelings for dude and is trying to rationalize 'what went wrong'. I think sometimes we as woman (especially myself) think too much when the writing is usually on the wall.

 

[brownelovely]

How many people actually follow these "rules" when starting a relationship? I don't even believe they're rules...more like a playing a game of tit for tat. This is interesting.

 

[kandegirl]

This is such an awesome thread b/c this JUST happened to me about a month ago. I had an important event happen that started a new chapter in my life (I'm licensed now!) and he didn't even call to see the results of my test. We're in LDR and he was on vacation, partying it up and said he forgot. I was upset so see exactly where the orginal poster was coming from. Our convo, after several short calls and text message, we talked a week later. The convo didn't go well and my emotions came out which mine rarely do and that made me even more upset. But he was nonchalant. Basically men know when they are wrong-bottom line. In my case, we let ended communication that night but two weeks later I did call(a 1st for me). And he got here (we live several states away) the following week to see me. So you never know. Ultimately we know what we need in relationships and if a man isn't willing to give it to you, we've got to do what will make us happy. It's gonna hurt like H#LL at first if he's meant to be in your life, he'll be there. And do what it takes to stay there!

 

[loolalooh]

This is such an awesome thread b/c this JUST happened to me about a month ago. I had an important event happen that started a new chapter in my life (I'm licensed now!) and he didn't even call to see the results of my test. We're in LDR and he was on vacation, partying it up and said he forgot. I was upset so see exactly where the orginal poster was coming from. Our convo, after several short calls and text message, we talked a week later. The convo didn't go well and my emotions came out which mine rarely do and that made me even more upset. But he was nonchalant. Basically men know when they are wrong-bottom line.

You and me are HERE!

In my case, we let ended communication that night but two weeks later I did call(a 1st for me). And he got here (we live several states away) the following week to see me. So you never know. Ultimately we know what we need in relationships and if a man isn't willing to give it to you, we've got to do what will make us happy. It's gonna hurt like H#LL at first if he's meant to be in your life, he'll be there. And do what it takes to stay there!

That reminds me. I have an update ...

 

[loolalooh]

NOT SO FINAL UPDATE:
Ladies, I really thought the last update was it. Long story short is we're working on it. I didn't make it easy for him, but we're working on it. He admitted to being an arse. I also had to consider all other factors in the relationship. He knows what he's gotta do, and I know what I've gotta do. After patching things up, he booked a ticket to come here next month (he also lives states away).

 

[msdeevee]

Wishing you the very best . I see that you really want this relationship to work out so do what you feel is best.

We can give all the free advice but you have to live your life and be comfy with your decisions.

 

[kandegirl]

Let us know how this goes.

NOT SO FINAL UPDATE:
Ladies, I really thought the last update was it. Long story short is we're working on it. I didn't make it easy for him, but we're working on it. He admitted to being an arse. I also had to consider all other factors in the relationship. He knows what he's gotta do, and I know what I've gotta do. After patching things up, he booked a ticket to come here next month (he also lives states away).