LDRs: When He Misses the Phone Call?

[loolalooh]

You and him have arranged to talk on a/multiple particular night/s of the week. You call and he doesn't answer. You call an hour later, still no answer, so you leave a message.

The next morning, you check your phone, and no response. You shoot him an email asking "If he's okay", and get no reply well into the afternoon. (He usually replies to emails in the morning.)

Background: You two have had this schedule for some weeks now, and this is his second time in a row missing it. This particular phone call is important to you because it's your first day at a new job/school/city/whatever. In the same breath, this is his first week at a new job/school/city/whatever as well.

What do you do?

_________________________________
UPDATE: He emailed me saying, "Yes he's okay. What's up?" I have in mind not to respond and let him figure out what's up. At this point, he's the one who should call. Any thoughts?

 

[straightlovely]

I can't guess what's going on but what did he say was the reason the first time he missed it? I would be pissed if I were you. I'm in a LDR so I know how you feel although we don't have a set schedule like you.

Although maybe he is overwhelmed with the newness of his situation as well? Whatever it is you deserve an explanation.

 

[FlowerHair]

How long have you been a couple?

I think I would just not contact him for a while...

 

[loolalooh]

I can't guess what's going on but what did he say was the reason the first time he missed it? I would be pissed if I were you. I'm in a LDR so I know how you feel although we don't have a set schedule like you.

Although maybe he is overwhelmed with the newness of his situation as well? Whatever it is you deserve an explanation.

Thank you.

I'm not going to lie. I'm very upset ... but at the same time, I'm trying to consider what you mentioned ... that he might be overwhelmed with the newness of his situation.

His reason for the first time was that he fell asleep. (He had been on a crazy travel the day before.)

 

[loolalooh]

How long have you been a couple?

I think I would just not contact him for a while...

We've been for 2 months.

I'm leaning towards not contacting him, but what do I do if he does call? Pick up right away or give him the silent treatment for a while? I don't like games and never have, but maybe this situation requires one?

 

[cartelise]

I wouldn't contact him until he contacted me.

 

[lana]

I was in a LDR and this is what I did. I had him call me. Men like to chase, even if from a distance.

That's the way my momma raised me (lol). Let the man do the chasing. Old school. Yeah, but it worked out for me..we're married now. I'm just sayin.

 

[kmn1980]

I'd just let it be.

 

[cartelise]

lana is right. After a few failed attempts of trying to contact him I would just leave it be until he hit me up first. May sound harsh but that's how it is.

 

[loolalooh]

UPDATE: He emailed me saying, "Yes he's okay. What's up?" I have in mind not to respond and let him figure out what's up. At this point, he's the one who should call. Any thoughts?

 

[FlowerHair]

Don't respond!

Wait at least 1 day...

 

[cartelise]

I wouldn't even respond to anything until he CALLED at least.

 

[ThickHair]

I am in a LDR and we have spoken with each other at 9:30p every night (except when a prearranged change has been agreed upon) since Feb 24, 2010. He calls me all the time, so it hasn't happen yet. I would think if he didn't call something has happened to him. I would give it until 10:30p then I would get on the phone calling his mother and his grandmother, because something is wrong.

He told me upfront since this is a LDR, if he didn't call me every night something has happened to him. We only do texting and email during the day. Texting and emails never takes the place of a phone call, they are only extras.

 

[msdeevee]

UPDATE: He emailed me saying, "Yes he's okay. What's up?" I have in mind not to respond and let him figure out what's up. At this point, he's the one who should call. Any thoughts?

I'm an old married lady ...but see that right there tells me he's playing.

If you 2 had been corresponding regularly and now he's trying to act like him not contacting you is no cause for alarm and just what's up... I would let him go. He's trying to send you a message.

I know it may be hard for now but I would ice him and not respond or call or be available to him until he sends me a really good explanation or apologize.

I think it's nice to be liberated and all that but a lot of guys like the chase too and if he think he got you no more thrill (for some) I'm with lana on this one .

Turn off your phone if you have to. He was probably sitting right there looking at his phone while you were trying to contact him.

Move on you look like your too cute for his mess.

 

[diadall]

When my SO and I had a LDR, if I called him and he didn't answer, he would usually text me, "call you soon, are you okay?" and then he would call me back. Some nights if I called him and he didn't text or call back he usually called me first thing in the morning.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

He missed the call and gave the "What's up?" because he was out doing dirt or he is just not feeling it. One or the other, it's time to let him go.

 

[YaniraNaturally]

I have to agree with the other ladies. . .the fact that he emailed you (with such a nonchalant tone at that!) is really shady to me I would not respond to that email nor would I make any effort to contact him until he actually calls. And even then I might not answer

Keep us updated OP!

 

[straightlovely]

Yeahhh that email reply is no bueno. I'd be ready to bounce as well. He has no business acting so nonchalant about it.

 

[loolalooh]

Didn't respond to his email and just focusing on my stuff right now.

Will definitely keep you all updated.

Thanks, ladies.

 

[chebaby]

yea, i dont like that reply.

 

[msdeevee]

Didn't respond to his email and just focusing on my stuff right now.

Will definitely keep you all updated.

Thanks, ladies.

Good , let him have a night or 2 of wondering what's up and if he messed up.

Just triflin' !!

He may be playing this game with more than just you.

Girl, get you some wine or something or get with your girls and chill.

When a man really wants you he will definitely let you know. Just like it's hard to find a good man its hard to find a good woman too and most good men know that.

Count yourself blessed that you found out before you got too invested (I hope) .

 

[Covergirl5906]

I don't like the sound of this either. Yes ppl can get busy. Yes he could have fallen asleep and missed your call the night before, but a quick text or a phone call first thing in the morning should have happened. A quick text takes a few seconds. And responding to the email in such a manner late in the day...umm no.

 

[brownelovely]

I'm just going to be honest and deal with the backlash b/c I'm on the fence with this one.

Honestly, my advice would never include to end it just because of one missed phone call. Okay, so he responded by email, the tone isn't what you wanted, and so you're not responding back--is just keeping/starting the cycle of games. If anything I would have replied back stating that I didn't appreciate "xyz" and versus the silent treatment...but again that's just me. At least if I'm upfront and say what the problem is then at least he now knows I had a problem with it and he has an opportunity to correct it.

I've been in LDRs before and communication is key. Men do NOT think like women therefore a typical reaction that we expect shouldn't be expected. Like I said this is all my opinion but I've jumped the gun a few times after a missed called only to feel like pure slush b/c I simply overreacted and let my mind wander. I wouldn't just toss him to the side yet...he may not realize that this bothers you so much or at least the extent of it. Good luck!

 

[Sasha299]

I agree - I would email back and say, "didn't we have a call scheduled for 9pm?" Basically telling him "shit or get off the pot" THEN see what his response is. If he is blase then I would say cut him off. If he is appropriately apologetic and changes his attitude then you can reconsider but watch him carefully and give him another chance. If he FU again then cut him loose.

The reason I say this is that I am also not into games and the relationship is new, only 2 months so its not enough time for him to take you for granted. NOW is the ONLY time in your relationship when he will want to impress you. Give him one chance and if he does not start making you a priority even within your restricted time period cut him loose.

 

[loolalooh]

I couldn't play this game long enough ... It's just not me, and plus he's big on communication (or so he says) ...

FINAL UPDATE:
After ignoring his email well into the evening, I eventually called. (He hates it when I shut down and don't communicate, so I used this as an opportunity to communicate instead of ignoring him further.) He answered the call like a clueless child. We discussed his email response and whether he got my message. He said his phone was off the night before, and that he got my message the next day. He said he considered returning my call. I first addressed the phone being off ... that it wasn't because it rang continuously. He said, oh, that's a good point and then said he might've just fallen asleep. I addressed his saying he considered returning my call. I asked why he didn't text/email me after receiving the message at the very least. He didn't really have a response to that. I then told him that it hurt me that he missed our scheduled phone time and didn't get back to me. That such times are important to me, especially on this particular day of my new chapter. He shirked it off. It got messy from this point forward, which I don't care to type out. (No cursing or anything, but we argued back and forth.) It includes him hanging up on me. I take the last bit of me caring about him to call him back. He answers, we're arguing again, he eventually tells me that I have 5 minutes to talk before he goes to bed, and then hangs up again as I'm in tears. Then he calls back telling me "he can't sleep without his baby saying goodnight". I hang up. I reject his next two calls, and answer the final one. He says that "goodnight" comment again, I tell him I'm really hurt through tears and all I wanted was for him to respect our schedule, to which he responds by hanging up again.

In all of that hour of talking, I recall his "reasoning" for his side of the matter. These were his words:

- He kind of sees where I am coming from, but I dropped the ball by starting the phone call with questions. That I should've started the phone call with "I am hurt because ...".
- He deserved to hang up on me the first time because I wanted to continuing arguing and he didn't want to.

I'm moving forward. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. Thanks for your help, ladies.

 

[deltadreamland]

^^That is pure insanity (his responses to you). I would be soooo through with him and he'd never hear from me again.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

UPDATE: He emailed me saying, "Yes he's okay. What's up?" I have in mind not to respond and let him figure out what's up. At this point, he's the one who should call. Any thoughts?

You're joking right? I'm just trying to pull a mental mindgame like he's doing. He's okay what's up? That is hysterical. He KNOWS what's up. Don't call him.

HE needs to call you. You need to look elsewhere and consider your options ....and tell him so of course. That perhaps this long distance thing is too hard and maybe you both need to consider your options (AND back it. Don't just say it.He's not the only fish in the sea and there are plenty that know how to return phone calls and even (gasp) call a woman. He needs to either redeem himself or not. Who cares cause you'll be too busy elsewhere so if he does and you've decided to give him another chance, great. If .not you'll barely notice).
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My fiance is in CT and I'm in NY currently. When married he will relocate to NY or Ca (the only two places I'm moving as I'm an artist. Depends on where I'm doing my phd and/or if my writing is taking off...er when). His job as a doctor is more flexible, though. BUT what I'll point out is that a guy is willing to do anything for someone he's crazy about so even in the beginning stages he will darn sure pick up the phone. OR have the courtesy to call you back as soon as he can. This seems to go down in the flames (your relationship) and will not be an ideal relationship even if it survives if it continues on this path.

I will say this I never had set times to talk but best believe if I called he calls back. Sure sometimes it's a little later as he's at the hospital, but he'll get back to me asap. Usually I get a text five minutes or so later saying he's at work he'll call me in an hour, or whatever. And then he DOES.

Also it takes him almost three hours by car. I told him he doesn't have to come every week, I understand. That man is here every weekend (and he has to stay in a hotel or with friends as I'm celibate. Although I sometimes hang with him at his place but he's very respectful). I guess it's old school chase because he comes to me all the time and mine are few and far in between. He's even shown up mid week when I'm sick with soup and stuff the sweetie.He'll drive that far to go up the street, get soup, and flowers and just say hi. He'll say it's an excuse to say hi.

So if a guy is interested he'll definitely pursue. My fiance definitely did and still does. And I think that even in modern times letting a guy pursue (and enjoying it) is a good thing. So please put the phone down and back away until he calls and when you answer you should let him know what's up. Don't let him play you for a fool acting clueless like "huh? what's up?" . Don't fall for the okie doke and don't let him off the hook. And please don't become an insane yelling woman either (he's expecting that). Calmly tell him y ou think it's best to explore your options and then hang up. Leave him in a real a"duh, huh?" state instead of the idiotic fake one he's trying to throw your way.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I couldn't play this game long enough ... It's just not me, and plus he's big on communication (or so he says) ...

FINAL UPDATE:
After ignoring his email well into the evening, I eventually called. (He hates it when I shut down and don't communicate, so I used this as an opportunity to communicate instead of ignoring him further.) He answered the call like a clueless child. We discussed his email response and whether he got my message. He said his phone was off the night before, and that he got my message the next day. He said he considered returning my call. I first addressed the phone being off ... that it wasn't because it rang continuously. He said, oh, that's a good point and then said he might've just fallen asleep. I addressed his saying he considered returning my call. I asked why he didn't text/email me after receiving the message at the very least. He didn't really have a response to that. I then told him that it hurt me that he missed our scheduled phone time and didn't get back to me. That such times are important to me, especially on this particular day of my new chapter. He shirked it off. It got messy from this point forward, which I don't care to type out. (No cursing or anything, but we argued back and forth.) It includes him hanging up on me. I take the last bit of me caring about him to call him back. He answers, we're arguing again, he eventually tells me that I have 5 minutes to talk before he goes to bed, and then hangs up again as I'm in tears. Then he calls back telling me "he can't sleep without his baby saying goodnight". I hang up. I reject his next two calls, and answer the final one. He says that "goodnight" comment again, I tell him I'm really hurt through tears and all I wanted was for him to respect our schedule, to which he responds by hanging up again.

In all of that hour of talking, I recall his "reasoning" for his side of the matter. These were his words:

- He kind of sees where I am coming from, but I dropped the ball by starting the phone call with questions. That I should've started the phone call with "I am hurt because ...".
- He deserved to hang up on me the first time because I wanted to continuing arguing and he didn't want to.

I'm moving forward. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. Thanks for your help, ladies.

Just saw this. Glad you're moving forward. I'm leaving my previous email because I think it's a good example of how a guy SHOULD respond via long distance. I had and continue to have a successful long distance relationship with my fiance (he's almost3 hours drive away in CT and I'm inNY) , which will be resolved (distance) by marriage.

BUT I will say this: I hope you mean it and that it IS over. GO have fun with some friends and go on a few dates. You'll feel so much better if you get out there and shake him off.

After his response he couldn't redeem himself no matter how many times he blew up my phone.

 

[brownelovely]

I couldn't play this game long enough ... It's just not me, and plus he's big on communication (or so he says) ...

FINAL UPDATE:
After ignoring his email well into the evening, I eventually called. (He hates it when I shut down and don't communicate, so I used this as an opportunity to communicate instead of ignoring him further.) He answered the call like a clueless child. We discussed his email response and whether he got my message. He said his phone was off the night before, and that he got my message the next day. He said he considered returning my call. I first addressed the phone being off ... that it wasn't because it rang continuously. He said, oh, that's a good point and then said he might've just fallen asleep. I addressed his saying he considered returning my call. I asked why he didn't text/email me after receiving the message at the very least. He didn't really have a response to that. I then told him that it hurt me that he missed our scheduled phone time and didn't get back to me. That such times are important to me, especially on this particular day of my new chapter. He shirked it off. It got messy from this point forward, which I don't care to type out. (No cursing or anything, but we argued back and forth.) It includes him hanging up on me. I take the last bit of me caring about him to call him back. He answers, we're arguing again, he eventually tells me that I have 5 minutes to talk before he goes to bed, and then hangs up again as I'm in tears. Then he calls back telling me "he can't sleep without his baby saying goodnight". I hang up. I reject his next two calls, and answer the final one. He says that "goodnight" comment again, I tell him I'm really hurt through tears and all I wanted was for him to respect our schedule, to which he responds by hanging up again.

In all of that hour of talking, I recall his "reasoning" for his side of the matter. These were his words:

- He kind of sees where I am coming from, but I dropped the ball by starting the phone call with questions. That I should've started the phone call with "I am hurt because ...".
- He deserved to hang up on me the first time because I wanted to continuing arguing and he didn't want to.

I'm moving forward. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. Thanks for your help, ladies.

Well you did the right thing...gave him the ball...he dropped it and now you know what you need to do. I would definitely ignore him. I've had guys hang up in my face simply because they don't want to "argue" but I take it as a sign of disrespect. Trust, he'll be calling you back within the next few days trying to patch things up but hopefully you'll have his arse blocked and avoid him for good. He obviously doesn't care about your feelings. If you were in tears and he hangs up...lawd knows what else he would do.

Good luck OP!

 

[Covergirl5906]

He is a waste of time. Good thing you are moving on. His response was totally disrespectful. Two months in and he's behaving like this? This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, and yall are arguing and you are in tears already. He isn't worth all of this.