Just How Confident Are U That He/She Won't Cheat?

[Guitarhero]

This is sort of a spin-off of two separate threads and a private conversation regarding refraining from sex before marriage, a fiasco relationship situation turned very sour and the ability to bare-back in marriage:

The older I personally get, the more I see all types of infidelity around me - infidelity in marriage, infidelity of friends, infidelity against self i.e. lack of respect and self-esteem and even against your higher power. So I ask those who are married, just how sure are you that your spouse will not cheat? Do you have something that is your guarantee that you are now safe and will be safe throughout the marriage?

For those who are engaged or dating towards marriage or just plain single, how sure will you be that infidelity will not happen to you and are you prepared to go with the newer health recommendations of condom usage and frequent std/sti checks in marriage? I'm afraid that the realities in society are sobering. In other words, especially for the religious or just those who made a pact to preserve themselves for marriage, you can still end up jacked up. What say you?

 

[wofford16]

Nope I don't. Only Allah knows if DH will cross that line and nothing that I do or say will ever change that fact.

 

[JustKiya]

Nothing in life is guaranteed except for death.

My husband has never lied to me, and never broken his word to me - even in the smallest of things. That is what reassures me that he will not break his vow of fidelity. Everything else is guesswork.

 

[Guitarhero]

Although I am religious, I just don't think there are any guarantees, no matter just how prayed up one is. That's a sad thought, though. You could be the best partner and your chosen might stumble. Or you yourself might stumble. I just think that I am personally responsible for what I do to others because I don't want the payback come judgement day. But just because I might be exceptional, doesn't mean that bad won't happen to me. And that means that I have to take my life in my own hands and protect it as much as I can.

But so far, no one has addressed the issue of protection in marriage used for other than birth control. Do you feel it's necessary or as a married, should you have the freedom to bare-back, otherwise, why get married?

 

[JustKiya]

In my mind, if I need/feel the need to use protection in marriage for anything other than birth control, I shouldn't be having sex with my partner, period.

 

[Guitarhero]

In my mind, if I need/feel the need to use protection in marriage for anything other than birth control, I shouldn't be having sex with my partner, period.

But that's just the point, how would you know? If at some time in future and you're unaware or him? Again, sobering realities today that are truly saddening me towards even considering marriage. Man! Are we truly less faithful today than folks in the past?

 

[JustKiya]

But that's just the point, how would you know? If at some time in future and you're unaware or him? Again, sobering realities today that are truly saddening me towards even considering marriage. Man! Are we truly less faithful today than folks in the past?

No. There are just more diseases floating around. People have been cheating on each other since the concept of monogamy was invented.

 

[Almaz]

Wow not a whole lot of responses here.

No one knows for sure just because someone is religious/spiritual whatever that does not mean that they will not stray No one really knows. People can say their husbands or wives never lied you can only go by faith and what you feel. And protecting yourself even in marriage.

One can only hope that people are truthful these days

 

[Nayeli]

I will not be using protection during marriage.

As JK said, the guarantees in this life are few, but what will cut down on paranoia is when you choose a partner who not only reveres you, but feels the same way towards the marriage itself; a periodic liar, deceiver will not cut it.

 

[tailormade84]

So I ask those who are married, just how sure are you that your spouse will not cheat? Do you have something that is your guarantee that you are now safe and will be safe throughout the marriage?

I am not sure if he will or will not cheat. The only guarantee of "safety" that i ever had is that regardless of what other people chose to do, if i remain dedicated to God and trust in Him, then everything will be aiight

You don't get married to ensure folks won't cheat and marriage doesn't guarantee you safety.

 

[Guitarhero]

I will not be using protection during marriage.

As JK said, the guarantees in this life are few, but what will cut down on paranoia is when you choose a partner who not only reveres you, but feels the same way towards the marriage itself; a periodic liar, deceiver will not cut it.

That's not quite it. What I'm talking about is that perfect union that experiences temptation and they cave, even once. I think we'd be less than honest to say this doesn't exist. I'm talking exceptional, honest, pure, lovely, in-love people. It can happen. I'm not talking marrying Don Juan who had a cheater's list flowing down the street. I would personally like to believe that it can happen but the more I live and learn of infidelities with exceptional folks who say they messed up, even just once, it's sobering.

Those health recommendations today might become the norm of tomorrow.

@Kiya

Well, I said "are we LESS faithful" lol. I know cheating has been around since Adam and Eve I'm wondering whether we are less inclined to be faithful today than in the past, even just a little bit less.

@Tailormade

I know that one should not enter marriage to "guarantee" sexualy safety. Being the best christian in the world (orwhichever religion) is likewise NOT a guarantee. Cancer happens to the faithful, so do deadly std's even within a "good" marriage. Those of us who ever worked healthcare can testify.

Maybe this is a concept that is hard to comprehend or maybe one that is difficult to admit might become reality. I don't know. But maybe women ought to empower themselves even in marriage. Not aimed at anybody in particularl, I know there are those who feel that if a spouse cheats, the other should have had some kind of in-built crystal ball alerting them of such or they should have prayed themselves to death to prevent. That's not always the case and once someone does detect something, it is probably too late for them anyway. Y'all getting my drift?

In any case, I don't mean to instill any kind of insecurities, but it is something to think about in this vastly changing society. Just like prenuptials, other things too. I don't see the West particularly believing in traditional marriage anymore.

 

[Nayeli]

^^^ Ooo, got it. And you are right, it does happen. "Temptation" by Victoria Christopher Murray was such an eye-opening book for me because it addresses the EXACT situation you're talking about.

 

[YankeeCandle]

OP, I get you. I get the sentiment behind your post.

I have to balance two realities: (1) my SO is basically a walking What Would Jesus Do? bracelet (i.e. insanely honest, loyal, and compassionate) and (2) Human beings are eminently fallible--always have been, still are, always will be.

In light of the first reality, my heart and mind are in a state of constant ease, even when he has 2-week long business trips across the country, or goes to an office party with women who admire him, etc. I'm at ease because I have had many years to observe his character, and each year that passes only paints that character in a better and better light.

In light of the second reality, I will undertake what I consider to be moderate-level damage control should I end up accepting his marriage proposal:s

(a) make very clear that if he does have "a human moment," he should use every possible STD protection available in order to protect my life/health;

(b) make clear that I will be faithful to him and that I WILL be getting routinely tested anyway;

(c) expect that we both get routine tests and share the results with each other (no, they will not stop a transmission if it has occurred, but some things can at least be mitigated with treatment, and it helps create an atmosphere of "your health is my health, and vice-versa." It is important to me that any partner of mine be fully aware that through physical union, our bodies can take on the problems of the other's, and that therefore, we each cannot have an expectation of privacy in that regard).

So, to sum up: My mind and heart are fully at ease with him and the idea of him deceiving me about anything at all seems very farfetched to me; to that end, no, I will not be using condoms with STI protection in mind. However, knowing humanity as I do, I will not say "I Do" and never look back; I will have measures in place to keep up to date on my physical health and the emotional health of our relationship.