Just got finished reading Why Men Love B...

[Writer100]

and why they marry them and now I feel slightly depressed. I've been told over and over again by everyone that I'm too nice and I never understood what they meant UNTIL NOW.

When guys told me that I was too nice for them I'll be like WTF do you mean and no one would ever explain so I kept repeating the same mistakes over and over. I didn't even know I was chasing their dumb butts. Jeez! You would think someone would have hipped a sista' like 20 years ago! And I never thought I was acting desparate or something either. I just thought I was being nice.

Reading these books was like someone telling me my whole relational history. Thank you white woman for explaining all this and giving me something to work with.

Now I'm re-reading and taking notes so I don't do the same dumb **** again.

BOY DO I FEEL DUMB RIGHT NOW!

 

[RoseTintedCheeks]

You're not alone. So many people call the stuff in those books common sense, but I'm not embarrassed to admit it wasn't for me. Welcome to the other side!

 

[meesch]

can you elaborate on what you were doing that you didnt realize you were doing? i keep going back and forth on whether or not i want to read the book because a.) i dont know that i agree with its entire premise and b.) i tend to be relatively content with my current dating strategies.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Subbing and wait for OP to answer the above...

 

[FlowerHair]

Search for WMLB and you'll find more discussions here on the book...

 

[jdvzmommy]

I've been up for 3 days straight and I read this thread title as "Just got finished reading Why Men Love B Scott."

I need some sleep.

 

[MsLi@512]

I've been up for 3 days straight and I read this thread title as "Just got finished reading Why Men Love B Scott."

I need some sleep.

Get some rest! that was funny. Although, I'm sure some men do

 

[Writer100]

can you elaborate on what you were doing that you didnt realize you were doing? i keep going back and forth on whether or not i want to read the book because a.) i dont know that i agree with its entire premise and b.) i tend to be relatively content with my current dating strategies.

I would return calls promptly, cook if he was hungry, believe what he said with out a grain of salt because why would grown folks lie. I wouldn't call him up on his little lies. I believed him when he said that he was working late and lost track of time. I would always forgive promptly. Giving understanding and advice where it would have called for a cussing out. I don't know but I'm still a little down right now and can't give a good answer.

Actually, what she describes as a "B" is a woman who is very independent, knows her self worth, and has very little time for the kind of foolishness that I've put up with for so long in the name of having a relationship. The books do repeat a little but the stories in them so closely mirror much of my own relational history I could just pinch myself for not having the courage to put myself first in a lot of things. I always thought out how "HE" would feel and "HIS" feelings before mine and at the end it's always gotten me the "you're too good for me" speech.

The next thing I know they're with some dirty foot woman who just got her clothes from under a rock and they are perfectly happy and I'm like "Lord, I ain't understanding this at all". Maybe she read the book before I did

 

[Writer100]

Search for WMLB and you'll find more discussions here on the book...

OMG! There's three pages of just thread titles. I'm real late as usual.

 

[Oasis]

I would return calls promptly, cook if he was hungry, believe what he said with out a grain of salt because why would grown folks lie. I wouldn't call him up on his little lies. I believed him when he said that he was working late and lost track of time. I would always forgive promptly. Giving understanding and advice where it would have called for a cussing out. I don't know but I'm still a little down right now and can't give a good answer.

Actually, what she describes as a "B" is a woman who is very independent, knows her self worth, and has very little time for the kind of foolishness that I've put up with for so long in the name of having a relationship. The books do repeat a little but the stories in them so closely mirror much of my own relational history I could just pinch myself for not having the courage to put myself first in a lot of things. I always thought out how "HE" would feel and "HIS" feelings before mine and at the end it's always gotten me the "you're too good for me" speech.

The next thing I know they're with some dirty foot woman who just got her clothes from under a rock and they are perfectly happy and I'm like "Lord, I ain't understanding this at all". Maybe she read the book before I did

i'm gonna have to read these books because this is sounding a lot like me.

 

[nicole625]

this site coupled with my curiosity will be the reason why I will be looking to pick up a second job soon.
*runs off to download book*

 

[melissa-bee]

I read the first book a couple weeks ago. Does any one have the link to why men marry *****es or a digital copy they can email me?

 

[BK Bombshell]

Nevermind. I misread a question.

 

[Glib Gurl]

OP, if you don't mind my asking, how many years young are you? I am a late bloomer myself (I'm 33 and only really started dating a few years ago). While I sometimes kick myself for being such a goody-goody (which left me feeling like a dumb-dumb) I just have to thank God for the experiences I've had in which I didn't get too hurt.

Here's to knowing better and doing better!

 

[Kindheart]

Op i ll leave my husband for you! Lol

 

[firecracker]

All sweetie don't feel too bad just learn to put your needs/wants first and not a man's. Well not until he is the head of household and yo husband. Roommates aka going half don't count! LOL

 

[lilanie]

Writer100 - don't feel badly... Now you know, so you can do better... If you haven't already, read "He's just not that into you" ~ don't watch that horrible allstar cast monstrosity of a movie ~ just read the book. It will reiterate what you've learned from this book.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Awww....Writer I know exactly how you feel!

I had to learn things the "hard way" also, but after I picked up those books "WMLB" and "WMMB", I was HOOKED to a new way of thinking!

It's so funny, because NOW I know why the guys I didn't really care 2 cents about always ended up liking me, whereas the guys that I was REALLY into always felt lukewarm about me (at best) or didn't even know I existed (at worst ).

I STILL refer back to these books anytime I'm dating someone new, need a refresher course, or just simply want a funny light-hearted pick-me-up to give me some new confidence and renewed "swagger". I REALLY wish Sherry Argov would write another book in the series because I would DEFINITELY be up in line to pick it up! I think she's a great funny writer and her books keeps you wanting more! It's so entertaining.

I think I STILL have a hard time though when it comes to guys that I'm REALLY interested in. I guess I just don't like confrontation. So, if a guy says he's "working late" and it has started to become a habit, I feel "Weird" calling a guy out if I'm REALLY interested in him. I think I need to treat the guys that I'm into like the guys that I AM NOT into.


*sigh* I don't know how to get over this!

 

[RegaLady]

I am married and I can agree to most of what she said. I read the book just to see what the huff was about and it was very funny. I immediately saw myself as the "B". While I believe in balance, you cannot argue with human nature.

 

[Writer100]

OP, if you don't mind my asking, how many years young are you? I am a late bloomer myself (I'm 33 and only really started dating a few years ago). While I sometimes kick myself for being such a goody-goody (which left me feeling like a dumb-dumb) I just have to thank God for the experiences I've had in which I didn't get too hurt.

Here's to knowing better and doing better!

I'll be 50 this year!:woohoo:
It was touch and go for quite awhile between 25 and 35. I managed to appear quite sane during this time to other people. However, after 35 I just got down to business, raise a family and came to some conclusions about family relationships for myself. I think I got the family thing down. I stopped trying to have romantic relationships for a long time. I made God some impossible promises that I took serious at the time but I kinda' suspect now that God laughed me in His spare time.

It's been in the last year that men have been starting to take interest in me (I don't know why or what I did differently, I was just living my life) so I figured that this time around I need not wing this thing. I want some solid guidelines on how to behave. I didn't get any from my mother. All she told me was not to get pregnant and guess what happened.

So I begin to search this forum because we have such a mixture of women on here and these books kept coming up. I ordered them and well now this thread.

Op i ll leave my husband for you! Lol

Oh come here gurl! That is so sweet to read first thing in the morning.

EVERYONE, have a WONDERFUL DAY!

 

[ackee walk]

Op i ll leave my husband for you! Lol

Oh come here gurl! That is so sweet to read first thing in the morning.

EVERYONE, have a WONDERFUL DAY!

@Writer100 you really are sweet-natured

i don't agree that a woman following the bulk of the advice is being a b itch per se (full disclosure: i've never read the book but it's been discussed so many times on the board that i feel like i have) but i do think it's important for a woman to figure out a way to show a man how to treat her that is still in line with who she is. you have to find a balance between not being a doormat but still being your kindhearted self. and hopefully in striking that balance, the right man finds you-- a man who won't take advantage of your niceness and is worthy of you just as you are, sweet-natured and all

 

[ambergirl]

I'll be 50 this year!:woohoo:
It was touch and go for quite awhile between 25 and 35. I managed to appear quite sane during this time to other people. However, after 35 I just got down to business, raise a family and came to some conclusions about family relationships for myself. I think I got the family thing down. I stopped trying to have romantic relationships for a long time. I made God some impossible promises that I took serious at the time but I kinda' suspect now that God laughed me in His spare time.

It's been in the last year that men have been starting to take interest in me (I don't know why or what I did differently, I was just living my life) so I figured that this time around I need not wing this thing. I want some solid guidelines on how to behave. I didn't get any from my mother. All she told me was not to get pregnant and guess what happened.

OP you do sound like a good soul.

On the first bolded....I know if I was God I would be LMAO at some of the bargains I was trying to cut back in the day so you are not alone.

And on the second bolded I think it's because you're ready for a relationship and you're sending off that "come get me" vibe.

Good luck and most of all have fun!

 

[Glib Gurl]

Thanks for sharing, OP.

Lately I've been giving off an I'm-too-busy-to-be-bothered vibe . . . not sure why. Well, partly it *is* because I've been superbusy, but yeah, I definitely need to start giving off a friendlier, more approachable vibe . . . .

 

[meesch]

I was gonna post this in glib's new thread but I think I'll put it here bc it seems like it would be a derail over there:

I am not getting into the WMLB debate because I am assuming it's helpful stuff for women who are kind of doormatty, but can I register the opinion that I don't believe you need to treat men like crap in order to "get" him/one? Is there some new or recently vocalized school of thought where you have to be bold and brash or men aren't interested? I just now remembered I downloaded WMLB, I'm going to take a look at it to better inform my opinion.

But, I don't think I want a relationship where I have to act like a b----- to have it...

 

[Writer100]

I was gonna post this in glib's new thread but I think I'll put it here bc it seems like it would be a derail over there:

I am not getting into the WMLB debate because I am assuming it's helpful stuff for women who are kind of doormatty, but can I register the opinion that I don't believe you need to treat men like crap in order to "get" him/one? Is there some new or recently vocalized school of thought where you have to be bold and brash or men aren't interested? I just now remembered I downloaded WMLB, I'm going to take a look at it to better inform my opinion.

But, I don't think I want a relationship where I have to act like a b----- to have it...

@ bolded - that's just it - the books aren't advocating treating men ugly. It's about setting standards for yourself on how you will or will not be treated and what to do if you are not treated with respect.

For me it clued me in on what behaviors where considered disrepectful which honestly, I didn't even know as disrepectful but the books say that men do these very things to "test" you to see if you stand up for yourself. Well no one told me about the testing so I just winged it through various unsuccessful relationships.

My thinking was if I was nice then men would be nice to me in return. Well all I got for all my niceness was my cookies taken, a pat on the head and told that I was "too nice" for them and then they walked never looking back at me. So I'm using the books as a jump off point and I figured that since it ain't the Bible I can pretty much change gears whenever I want.

P. S. - I love reading your other postings but I wouldn't be the one debating you! You can take me in 3 seconds flat

 

[meesch]

Oh, okay, about the not advocating being an ACTUAL beyotch. Because I was thinking of something that happened to me the other day, and I didn't like it.

I was telling my boy "omg you won't believe this rant rant rant you are in for a conversation later about this issue in my personal life."

And he said something like, am I? oh boy or something that implied he didn't want to have that conversation.

And I'm like ok, fine, your lack of enthusiasm has been noted and he's like yeah you noticed that huh? Like joking around with me and I'm like whatever, I'm pissed! And he's like fine, then tell me about it and I'm like never mind. And when he texted me back again I ignored him.

Then he sent me an email like, "I'm sorry for making light of your situation " and I apologized for snapping at him, and all was well, but I didn't like being mean

I told my ex best friend about this and he was like, don't go acting crazy and "black" and chase that man off



Which, you know, is a little crass but for me I think is food for thought...

 

[Writer100]

I told my ex best friend about this and he was like, don't go acting crazy and "black" and chase that man off



Which, you know, is a little crass but for me I think is food for thought...

this here - @ the bolded - this is what I learned by observing the women in my family but then dude still step. "Acting crazy" was defined as exercising my right to be angry and upset over what someone did to me. But as a "nice" girl I was not to show that because it would chase the man away.

But your dude knew you were upset with him and he called you first. I always did the calling because I was suppose to be the bigger person and set the relationship straight. Now I learn that me trying to be the bigger person and set all right in the universe was the death blow to my relationships. Now I find out that dude want me to call him up on his stuff and igg him when he does naughty.

Somebody correct me if I'm wrong but that's part of the chase thing for them. To win us back and be back in our good graces. And the book says that they even try harder to do this. erplexed

 

[Keshieshimmer]

Somebody correct me if I'm wrong but that's part of the chase thing for them. To win us back and be back in our good graces. And the book says that they even try harder to do this. erplexed

I am reading this book now. Wow I have a lot to learn. For me it is easy being nice and accommodating. I guess that is why I am single.

However the thing I wonder about this whole thing is that the qualifier is that the man must actually give a d--- about you right?

 

[hopeful]

I am reading this book now. Wow I have a lot to learn. For me it is easy being nice and accommodating. I guess that is why I am single.

However the thing I wonder about this whole thing is that the qualifier is that the man must actually give a d--- about you right?

Absolutely.

 

[Theo]

I am reading this book now. Wow I have a lot to learn. For me it is easy being nice and accommodating. I guess that is why I am single.

However the thing I wonder about this whole thing is that the qualifier is that the man must actually give a d--- about you right?

Yes, and I think this is the part that a lot of these books don't really go into. The thing is, when you are serious about setting and enforcing boundaries, you will end up screening out a lot of guys who are not that into you. Sometimes these books make it seem like once your adopt this system, 80% of the guys you meet will start jumping through hoops for you. That might be true for some people, but it hasn't been true for me.
In fact its the exact opposite. Most of the guys I meet are not willing to jump through hoops for me.

You might see a decrease in your phone activity for little bit. Or a little bit longer than a little bit. And you have to be okay with that.

That's what I realized. I don't chase guys. I let them do the majority of the calling/texting. I put in very little effort in the early stages. I have a "two strike" system (well, I say that, but its loosely enforced, depending on how much I'm into him. If I like him a lot, honestly it ends up being like 3 or 4. Possibly 5. But usually that's as high as I'll go. And only if I like him. If don't like him, its like 1. ) Most guys aren't willing to deal with all that. Especially if they were just looking for a winter boo, or another booty call option.

But you end screening out a lot of guys this way. I mean, for me, it seems like the only problem is that I have a problem with being impatient, so apparently I overdo it... or at least that's what my friends seem to think. But since I adopted this approach my dating life has been a lot more fun and enjoyable. And TBH, I have a lot anxiety/uncertainty in my dating life than they do.