Is this a situation in which I need to "charge it to the game?"

[SoopremeBeing]

I'd like to open up a free debate. Any ladies here currently involved/formerly involved with men were are/were very popular in the social environment i.e. former college athletes?

The guy in question, my SO, he is a former college athlete and also prior military. It's been a number of years since his time in college and the military. But in this day and age, there's Facebook, so he's gotten back in touch with old friends, including females. And I use the term female loosely.

These old female friends of his have absolutely no shame. Throwing themselves at him, knowing he's in a relationship with me, asking to hang out and all that nonsense. BIRDS, for lack of a better word. I mentioned in another thread that dating him is like dating a celebrity, but not getting any of the benefits from it. All I seem to be doing is trying to keep the groupies at bay.

I don't know, I've never dated anyone with his social status before, and the last time I had to deal with any women coming for any boyfriend I've had was high school. I like him a lot, but I can't really deal with these old college and military friends of his, popping up out of nowhere, tryna get some after all these years. I'm not the type to chase away groupies, or confront the other woman, and all that nonsense. I'd rather just leave, and find a guy that doesn't have groupies.

Am I being too sensitive or what? Is this just something I'm going to have to deal with and accept because of who he is? It's been over 10+ years since his college days, and like 7 for the military.....and some of these women are married with kids of their own...oy.

 

[Poohbear]

Have you told him how you feel about it? If so, what was his reaction and what steps is he willing to take to give you assurance of your relationship and make you feel comfortable? If you are not satisfied with his response, you should move on.

 

[ThickHair]

It is is responsibility to put folks in check, not your reponsibility. You are not his goal tender. If he doesn't want the attention, he has to man up is all.

 

[metro_qt]

Tell him to " handle that" if he can't / won't .... Then you have to move on, he's enjoying it too much... It just gets worse

 

[Lucie]

Discuss it with him. If he does nothing to remedy the situation, walk away. How would he feel if the roles were reversed? Sorry honey.

 

[SoopremeBeing]

My only real issue with him is that he's too worried about "being rude" when he rejects their advances. I'm just like, if you gotta tell the broad more than once or she keeps talking and making under-handed comments, then who gives a damn if you're being rude or not?

I know he can't control what they say(and I would imagine that upon finding out that he's not available, the woman would back off), and he can't control who finds him on FB or whatever. But I'm just saying, who gives a damn if they are a high school/college friend or not, if they aren't listening, check 'em.

 

[faithVA]

^^I agree with the above. This seems like something he has initiated and it sounds like it has been since you started dating. I would talk to him as others suggested. I wouldn't try to live with it. It isn't the type of life I want to live. I don't think I could make myself get use to it and still be happy. That is a question you really have to ask yourself. Be honest with yourself as to whether it is a deal breaker if he decides to hold onto that part of his life.

 

[faithVA]

My only real issue with him is that he's too worried about "being rude" when he rejects their advances. I'm just like, if you gotta tell the broad more than once or she keeps talking and making under-handed comments, then who gives a damn if you're being rude or not?

I know he can't control what they say(and I would imagine that upon finding out that he's not available, the woman would back off), and he can't control who finds him on FB or whatever. But I'm just saying, who gives a damn if they are a high school/college friend or not, if they aren't listening, check 'em.

Is all of this just happening on facebook? or is it in real life?

If it is just on facebook, have him just hide those people. He doesn't even have to see those posts. He has 100% control over facebook and how he choose to posts. If he chooses to, he can look at facebook 1x a month, they will get the message. Managing facebok isn't that hard.

 

[PopLife]

I agree with what the other posters have said, it is his job to nip it in the bud. Express how you feel and see how he handles it....then proceed.

 

[Ivonnovi]

...I've always felt that if your dawg keeps violating the "leash laws"; the dawg needs to be retrained or let free to roam.

With that said, I AM NOT calling him a DAWG, BUT I am saying that the "groupie" **** is something HE NEEDS TO CONTROL, not you. Your energy and emotions would be better spent with someone who APPRECIATES and PAYS ATTENTION TO YOU.

I'm sorry but this "I don't wanna be rude" sh!t is a cop out. He knows how you feel about it (and you're his woman?); yet, he's more worried about how they feel?

You don't need a lap dawg but you would be much better off with one that's listens to and is protective of YOU (your feelings that is).
He likes the attention, or he's keeping one foot out the door.

 

[lux10023]

so hes in touch with females via fb sounds like he enjoys the attention...not for nothing there are alotta well known men or former well known men and they are able to make sure everyone respects their wife/gf or etc

it sounds like he needs to make sure everyone respects you being the lady in his life--and that can only happen if he respects his rlp..himself....


"But in this day and age, there's Facebook, so he's gotten back in touch with old friends, including females."

 

[SoopremeBeing]

Is all of this just happening on facebook? or is it in real life?

Yeah it's just on FB, which he doesn't do maintenance on very often. I had to show him how to block people

I'm sorry but this "I don't wanna be rude" sh!t is a cop out. He knows how you feel about it (and you're his woman?); yet, he's more worried about how they feel?

That's what I said. I told him that their feelings don't matter because they obviously can't respect the boundaries. These girls may be playing dumb, but they know exactly what they are doing.

The conversations start off as innocent: "how are you, how's life, my family is doing this, my son is doing that, my GF and I are doing this" and blah blah blah...once I am mentioned the woman normally responds with "I'm happy for you two" and then she'll basically pour her poor little heart out, saying how she misses him, and she wants to hang out but she has a man and doesn't want to mess up anything(her own relationship and mine). I'm like damn, can't you just say you're happy and move on? The side, reminiscent, Shakespeare-like remarks aren't necessary.

 

[sunnydaze]

Are they saying all this in facebook convo threads or PMs?


Also, agree w/everyone else, He needs to shut this down not you. Sounds like he's ben accustomed to getting this kind of attention for years. He needs to know that you won't tolerate it if you guys are to have a real relationship..but don't verablize that, let your actions show it.

 

[darlingdiva]

I agree with the other posters. It is completely his responsibility to handle the groupies. They are acting disrespectfully because he is allowing it. His lack of action in rectifying the situation speaks volumes about his character and true feelings for you.

 

[Mai Tai]

So basically he's putting these other women's feelings before yours by not checking them or by not "being rude" to them.

Do you really see yourself with someone longterm who thinks the sensitivities of his "groupies" take precedence over yours?

 

[kweenameena]

Honey, I just broke up with my man (for the last time) because of this.
It bothered me that everyone else's feelings were more important than mine. He would just tell me that facebook isn't real so why am I trippin'. But they are real people behind those profiles. Also, the more pics he had up of me, the more thirsty these chicks got. But it wasn't just them....he provoked the thirst. Let me add, he wasn't all that good-looking either.

But, let me also add, I had suspicions that my now ex-SO is a very attention-seeking narcissist. Plus, he liked to keep me on egg shells. So I was probably dealing with a bit more than you. Not to mention, he'd go around "poking" chicks on FB to get their attention. I was never the jealous type til I met him.

My point is, get it in check now or it will always be an issue in your relationship. And it will cause trust issues in other areas of your relationship as well.

Good luck!

 

[LovelyRo]

Another woman will never respect his relationship if he doesn't. His desire to "not be rude" is bull!

 

[BonBon]

Yeah it's just on FB, which he doesn't do maintenance on very often. I had to show him how to block people

That's what I said. I told him that their feelings don't matter because they obviously can't respect the boundaries. These girls may be playing dumb, but they know exactly what they are doing.

The conversations start off as innocent: "how are you, how's life, my family is doing this, my son is doing that, my GF and I are doing this" and blah blah blah...once I am mentioned the woman normally responds with "I'm happy for you two" and then she'll basically pour her poor little heart out, saying how she misses him, and she wants to hang out but she has a man and doesn't want to mess up anything(her own relationship and mine). I'm like damn, can't you just say you're happy and move on? The side, reminiscent, Shakespeare-like remarks aren't necessary.

What does he say after they say this stuff? erplexed

Funny thing is there are people out there that CANNOT outright tell people they are not into them but it couldn't be my SO. You have a lot of patience lol. If he doesn't check them firmly and delete them if necessary it makes you look stupid and your relationship look breakable.

 

[BonBon]

Actually on second thoughts I have only met people who find it difficult to reject people when they are single. If you're single and reject it's clear that the person is not right/attractive to you and that might be more difficult to say.

If you have a partner that you love, and the other person knows about it (!) that is a totally easy thing to explain to someone.
Monogamous relationship zone, totally happy = piss off.

What would he do if he was around a woman that physically came onto him. Feel bad about pushing them off.

Be careful OP. You seem nice and have the cutest face ever lol. There's other guys out there you could be with who would be able to shut these situations down.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

i'm somewhat confused.

why are u checkin da other women. He's the one who got in touch with them. u need to check him. just like my girl ReRe says "R-E-S-P-E-C-T". you can't control what those women do, but u can control how he treats you.

u doin too much, you sound insecure and you don't trust him. ur wearin urself out.

if u wanna charge something to da game, putcha badge n gun down cuz those women aren't going anywhere. it's up to him to put a stop to it.

 

[Qtee]

If he doesn't respect ur feelings ..y should they....ur anger is directed at the wrong person...he could check them but its obvious that he doesn't want to...so u can only control ur next move..

 

[janiebaby]

This kinda reminds me of a guy I know (not in any romantic way) who is has huge social status due to his personality and his family. He has always loved the "big man on campus" attention and is on some six degrees of separation with everyone. I have no doubt you either know him or know someone who knows him but I digress....because your guy reminds me of this guy....maybe you should move on

The person he's with has known him forever and accepts him. I know that he speaks highly of her and his relationship. I also know on the flip that's he's cheated on her while he was saying these great things about her. On the surface, he's a good guy, he likes attention, he doesn't really seek out women and I'm sure he's turned down more than a few....just not all of em

Whatever you decide to do...make sure you don't stress yourself out

 

[Layluh]

If he really "doesn't want to be rude", then I've got a problem with the fact that he can't man up and speak his opinion- no matter what the situation. That's a huge issue- the ability to be a man and fight for what you believe in and not worry about what people will think of you.

But honestly, I just think it's BS. He's bullstiffing you.

 

[lollikd]

Trying to figure out if I should just charge it to the game too or put him on blast and let his new piece know what's up.

I posted the long and ugly of it in another group but the short of it is my ex just got back with an ex that was the cause of our breakup yet he's trying to sext me. He didn't let me know for the past couple months. I want to tell her but I'm also not trying to be the petty bitter ex even though I got the pictures to prove it.

He's in FL and she's in CA so they aren't living together but may end up living together within the next few months when he gets stationed in HI.