Fiance Still Friends With Former Fling..............

[SoforReal]

I'm trying to figure out why you feel the need to mention this is the best relationship you have been in. Do you believe you have to put up with disrespect since you believe this? Just because it's the best you've had, doesn't mean you can't do even better.
I am not saying break up with him at all. That's up to you. That statement just stood out to me.
And just because he treats you well, doesn't mean you two will not have differing principles when it comes to certain issues. I have broken up with men who treated me well before.

It does bother me that he is trying to get you to be fine with him staying with her. He says what's the difference between staying in a hotel or her house? The difference is you will feel better about knowing he not only cares about your feelings but can act to ease your doubts.
It may be one of the only things you disagree on, but it is significant.

To answer your question, no I wouldn't feel comfortable with this arrangement and I wouldn't put up with it at all.

Thanks agreed! I say that as a matter of context since you all do not know anything about our relationship. Definitely not justifying his response and I stand firm on boundaries and the way I feel. So much so that I talked about it again today and he finally understood my point of view and what I meant by boundaries. Especially since she and her fiancé are not long term friends of ours and they are not living together.

Thank you all for reading and responding to my post. Felt good to vent and get feedback from my sisters. I’m good now.

 

[Kurlee]

I'm trying to figure out why you feel the need to mention this is the best relationship you have been in. Do you believe you have to put up with disrespect since you believe this? Just because it's the best you've had, doesn't mean you can't do even better.
I am not saying break up with him at all. That's up to you. That statement just stood out to me.
And just because he treats you well, doesn't mean you two will not have differing principles when it comes to certain issues. I have broken up with men who treated me well before.

It does bother me that he is trying to get you to be fine with him staying with her. He says what's the difference between staying in a hotel or her house? The difference is you will feel better about knowing he not only cares about your feelings but can act to ease your doubts.
It may be one of the only things you disagree on, but it is significant.

To answer your question, no I wouldn't feel comfortable with this arrangement and I wouldn't put up with it at all.

I noticed the statement, too. It just sounds like she's just trying to weigh the situation, like the worth of the relationship. I think it's scary, hard and disappointing when you get this far with a person and they do stupid ish like this. I can only imagine her frustration! I hope things work out for her in the end.

 

[SurferBabe]

I have a male friend I used to have a sexual relationship with who is purely platonic now. We still chat sometimes but we don't hang out since we live in different states. A couple of months ago he was going to be in my city to attend a festival and wanted to know if he could crash at my place. At first I thought it wouldn't be a big deal because there would be 0 chance of anything happening. I came close to asking my current guy if he'd be okay with it. But then I realized it wouldn't be worth it to put him on alert like that. I didn't want to do anything to make him feel uncomfortable. So I told my friend no and he was completely understanding of it.

But some people don't think this way. I'll be honest-- a part of me justifying it would have been to test my boyfriend's boundaries. If I asked him and he was okay with it, I would have felt he wasn't as attached to me or serious about us. I know it's messed up, but had I asked him, and he said "no", I would have respected him more than if he was okay with it. Not saying this was a part of your bf's motives in making this suggestion, but never second guess standing up for your boundaries.

 

[hopeful]

@SoforReal I wish you the very best. I wanted to leave you with a few final thoughts. And if they don’t apply or are not helpful, perhaps they will help another young lady in a similar situation.

No matter how sweet, kind, and wonderful a person is, no matter how much you like them, if a dealbreaker is present, you have to throw the rest away. Some things simply cancel out all of the good. As a young woman I used to go to my pro and cons list when I was confused about a situation, but in the end things often came down to one or two cons outweighing dozens of pros. Every woman must have her own set of dealbreakers that no one has to understand or get but herself.

I would also encourage you to listen less to your guys words and focus more on his actions and the energy he puts out. I say that because most men when backed in a corner will agree with you and still do whatever they want and very slowly come back to their original position. Not saying that is the case with your guy, but protect your sweet life.

Lastly, I want to share my opinion with you about boundaries, values, expectations etc. You should not ever have to teach or explain human kindness or decency to another adult. If you continually find yourself explaining or trying to get him to understand how his behavior is offending or hurting you, please take time to pause and think things through. Men are not dumb and innocent and confused about other women. For some reason people like spreading that lie and men love feigning this innocence. He knows his friend is gorgeous. He knows as a taken man he has no business staying overnight at a woman’s home if she is not his sister/mom/aunt, etc. For some men all that matters is doing whatever it is they want to do. And if they really want to do it, they will find a way.

People are very complex. They can be a lot of fun and care a lot about you and say all of the right things and still have the capacity to lie and break your heart. I think of it as people being shades of gray. Everyone is.

So I will just go back to my first post. Trust yourself. Pay attention to all three brains: the one in your head, your heart, and your gut. Through the years pay attention less to him and more to you. Keep asking yourself from time to time, Do I feel safe with this person?

All of that said, I hope all works out for you, that you have a beautiful wedding, and have a happy marriage.

 

[Kurlee]

@SoforReal I wish you the very best. I wanted to leave you with a few final thoughts. And if they don’t apply or are not helpful, perhaps they will help another young lady in a similar situation.

No matter how sweet, kind, and wonderful a person is, no matter how much you like them, if a dealbreaker is present, you have to throw the rest away. Some things simply cancel out all of the good. As a young woman I used to go to my pro and cons list when I was confused about a situation, but in the end things often came down to one or two cons outweighing dozens of pros. Every woman must have her own set of dealbreakers that no one has to understand or get but herself.

I would also encourage you to listen less to your guys words and focus more on his actions and the energy he puts out. I say that because most men when backed in a corner will agree with you and still do whatever they want and very slowly come back to their original position. Not saying that is the case with your guy, but protect your sweet life.

Lastly, I want to share my opinion with you about boundaries, values, expectations etc. You should not ever have to teach or explain human kindness or decency to another adult. If you continually find yourself explaining or trying to get him to understand how his behavior is offending or hurting you, please take time to pause and think things through. Men are not dumb and innocent and confused about other women. For some reason people like spreading that lie and men love feigning this innocence. He knows his friend is gorgeous. He knows as a taken man he has no business staying overnight at a woman’s home if she is not his sister/mom/aunt, etc. For some men all that matters is doing whatever it is they want to do. And if they really want to do it, they will find a way.

People are very complex. They can be a lot of fun and care a lot about you and say all of the right things and still have the capacity to lie and break your heart. I think of it as people being shades of gray. Everyone is.

So I will just go back to my first post. Trust yourself. Pay attention to all three brains: the one in your head, your heart, and your gut. Through the years pay attention less to him and more to you. Keep asking yourself from time to time, Do I feel safe with this person?

All of that said, I hope all works out for you, that you have a beautiful wedding, and have a happy marriage.

I hate the stereotypes that women perpetuate about men. Men are visual. Men are dumb. They don't know better. Lies! They are complex human beings just like women, although they are socialized differently. If you are friends with a guy and it's platonic, you will know that they know very well what they're doing and try to get away with stuff anyway. They will admit it.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

A two year long distance fiance. Finance is friends with a person he had sex with.

OP there are so many red flags. I say don't even worry about him right now, start looking for a plan B and worry about your own life.

Long distance relationships are B.S and unless this man is deployed or in jail, he should be hounding you to live with him and be his wife.

This engagement is a waste of time and emotion. Sorry to say that. Much love to you.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

A two year long distance fiance. Finance is friends with a person he had sex with.

OP there are so many red flags. I say don't even worry about him right now, start looking for a plan B and worry about your own life.

Long distance relationships are B.S and unless this man is deployed or in jail, he should be hounding you to live with him and be his wife.

This engagement is a waste of time and emotion. Sorry to say that. Much love to you.

I have to agree with that sentiment. When I got with my husband at the time, we were long distance. We saw each other every other weekend. I loved my job and apartment but after six months, he said that being together is essential so we got engaged and I packed up and moved.

Also about the old fried. My feeling is he's thinking like a single man and not like your husband. When I was engaged, my dh told his ex who he was still cool with. Her response was to invite him out for coffee.

The first thing he did was tell her off for inviting him only and not respecting his future wife. I didn't have to say anything. His decision to stop talking to her was all his but I appreciated that he thought of me as his wife, even when we were only engaged.

Anyway, you know your man, so best of luck and hope you all the best in life.

 

[syze6]

But I feel most females would think the same.

Trust...he would feel the same way if it were you!

 

[syze6]

I hate when men try to sell you on the B.S. of, if it were them they wouldn't mind! It is pure B.S. NO man wants to even imagine or think of their mate around another man. Especially a man that she has been intimate with. Only hypocritical men who are trying to rationalize b.s make those statements. They try to make you look unreasonable or insecure when they know it is all game!

 

[SoforReal]

@SoforReal I wish you the very best. I wanted to leave you with a few final thoughts. And if they don’t apply or are not helpful, perhaps they will help another young lady in a similar situation.

No matter how sweet, kind, and wonderful a person is, no matter how much you like them, if a dealbreaker is present, you have to throw the rest away. Some things simply cancel out all of the good. As a young woman I used to go to my pro and cons list when I was confused about a situation, but in the end things often came down to one or two cons outweighing dozens of pros. Every woman must have her own set of dealbreakers that no one has to understand or get but herself.

I would also encourage you to listen less to your guys words and focus more on his actions and the energy he puts out. I say that because most men when backed in a corner will agree with you and still do whatever they want and very slowly come back to their original position. Not saying that is the case with your guy, but protect your sweet life.

Lastly, I want to share my opinion with you about boundaries, values, expectations etc. You should not ever have to teach or explain human kindness or decency to another adult. If you continually find yourself explaining or trying to get him to understand how his behavior is offending or hurting you, please take time to pause and think things through. Men are not dumb and innocent and confused about other women. For some reason people like spreading that lie and men love feigning this innocence. He knows his friend is gorgeous. He knows as a taken man he has no business staying overnight at a woman’s home if she is not his sister/mom/aunt, etc. For some men all that matters is doing whatever it is they want to do. And if they really want to do it, they will find a way.

People are very complex. They can be a lot of fun and care a lot about you and say all of the right things and still have the capacity to lie and break your heart. I think of it as people being shades of gray. Everyone is.

So I will just go back to my first post. Trust yourself. Pay attention to all three brains: the one in your head, your heart, and your gut. Through the years pay attention less to him and more to you. Keep asking yourself from time to time, Do I feel safe with this person?

All of that said, I hope all works out for you, that you have a beautiful wedding, and have a happy marriage.

AMEN !! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom! Definitely keeping your advice in mind always.

 

[SoforReal]

I have to agree with that sentiment. When I got with my husband at the time, we were long distance. We saw each other every other weekend. I loved my job and apartment but after six months, he said that being together is essential so we got engaged and I packed up and moved.

Also about the old fried. My feeling is he's thinking like a single man and not like your husband. When I was engaged, my dh told his ex who he was still cool with. Her response was to invite him out for coffee.

The first thing he did was tell her off for inviting him only and not respecting his future wife. I didn't have to say anything. His decision to stop talking to her was all his but I appreciated that he thought of me as his wife, even when we were only engaged.

Anyway, you know your man, so best of luck and hope you all the best in life.

Girl that’s a real man!! Love his response!

 

[SoforReal]

I hate when men try to sell you on the B.S. of, if it were them they wouldn't mind! It is pure B.S. NO man wants to even imagine or think of their mate around another man. Especially a man that she has been intimate with. Only hypocritical men who are trying to rationalize b.s make those statements. They try to make you look unreasonable or insecure when they know it is all game!

Completely agree!!

 

[C@ssandr@]

@SoforReal I wish you the very best. I wanted to leave you with a few final thoughts. And if they don’t apply or are not helpful, perhaps they will help another young lady in a similar situation.

No matter how sweet, kind, and wonderful a person is, no matter how much you like them, if a dealbreaker is present, you have to throw the rest away. Some things simply cancel out all of the good. As a young woman I used to go to my pro and cons list when I was confused about a situation, but in the end things often came down to one or two cons outweighing dozens of pros. Every woman must have her own set of dealbreakers that no one has to understand or get but herself.

I would also encourage you to listen less to your guys words and focus more on his actions and the energy he puts out. I say that because most men when backed in a corner will agree with you and still do whatever they want and very slowly come back to their original position. Not saying that is the case with your guy, but protect your sweet life.

Lastly, I want to share my opinion with you about boundaries, values, expectations etc. You should not ever have to teach or explain human kindness or decency to another adult. If you continually find yourself explaining or trying to get him to understand how his behavior is offending or hurting you, please take time to pause and think things through. Men are not dumb and innocent and confused about other women. For some reason people like spreading that lie and men love feigning this innocence. He knows his friend is gorgeous. He knows as a taken man he has no business staying overnight at a woman’s home if she is not his sister/mom/aunt, etc. For some men all that matters is doing whatever it is they want to do. And if they really want to do it, they will find a way.

People are very complex. They can be a lot of fun and care a lot about you and say all of the right things and still have the capacity to lie and break your heart. I think of it as people being shades of gray. Everyone is.

So I will just go back to my first post. Trust yourself. Pay attention to all three brains: the one in your head, your heart, and your gut. Through the years pay attention less to him and more to you. Keep asking yourself from time to time, Do I feel safe with this person?

All of that said, I hope all works out for you, that you have a beautiful wedding, and have a happy marriage.

This is a great post and applicable across the board.

 

[syze6]

@SoforReal I wish you the very best. I wanted to leave you with a few final thoughts. And if they don’t apply or are not helpful, perhaps they will help another young lady in a similar situation.

No matter how sweet, kind, and wonderful a person is, no matter how much you like them, if a dealbreaker is present, you have to throw the rest away. Some things simply cancel out all of the good. As a young woman I used to go to my pro and cons list when I was confused about a situation, but in the end things often came down to one or two cons outweighing dozens of pros. Every woman must have her own set of dealbreakers that no one has to understand or get but herself.

I would also encourage you to listen less to your guys words and focus more on his actions and the energy he puts out. I say that because most men when backed in a corner will agree with you and still do whatever they want and very slowly come back to their original position. Not saying that is the case with your guy, but protect your sweet life.

Lastly, I want to share my opinion with you about boundaries, values, expectations etc. You should not ever have to teach or explain human kindness or decency to another adult. If you continually find yourself explaining or trying to get him to understand how his behavior is offending or hurting you, please take time to pause and think things through. Men are not dumb and innocent and confused about other women. For some reason people like spreading that lie and men love feigning this innocence. He knows his friend is gorgeous. He knows as a taken man he has no business staying overnight at a woman’s home if she is not his sister/mom/aunt, etc. For some men all that matters is doing whatever it is they want to do. And if they really want to do it, they will find a way.

People are very complex. They can be a lot of fun and care a lot about you and say all of the right things and still have the capacity to lie and break your heart. I think of it as people being shades of gray. Everyone is.

So I will just go back to my first post. Trust yourself. Pay attention to all three brains: the one in your head, your heart, and your gut. Through the years pay attention less to him and more to you. Keep asking yourself from time to time, Do I feel safe with this person?

All of that said, I hope all works out for you, that you have a beautiful wedding, and have a happy marriage.

Such a loving, caring, 2,000%... keeping it real post!!!!! Yessss to EVERYTHING you wrote! Men know how they would feel, if it was done to them. They KNOW when they are doing something they shouldn't in regards to another woman. They KNOW when they are crossing boundaries, being inappropriate all of that!

I printed this out for my daughter and son. I will hang it on their wall along with all the other encouraging quotes, I share with them!

 

[Theresamonet]

@SoforReal Do you believe that the friend really has a fiancé? You said earlier that you found no evidence on her social media pages of there being a man in her life. And I can’t imagine that a man would be okay with his drop dead gorgeous fiancé opening her home to a man with whom she’s had an intimate relationship. If your fiancé is lying about that in an effort to manipulate you into seeing things his way, by giving you a false sense of security, that’s a pretty big deal, IMO. That’s something I’d still be concerned about regardless of him finally considering my feelings. I understand this is one of only a few disagreements you’ve had, but how you “disagree” with one another matters. Lies, trickery, and manipulation shouldn’t be a part of it.

I’m also still not understanding why he sees his future self possibly being in her city, living with her. Y’all have already been engaged for 2 years. At what point does he see himself being in whatever city YOU'RE in, living with YOU? Why isn’t the plan for the both of you to move somewhere that will be lucrative for you as a couple? He’s still thinking and behaving like a single man, and not one who is planning for a wife and family in the very near future.

I have other thoughts (and questions), but I won’t go on and on since you said that you’re good. But I do want to warn you not to allow the title of “fiancé” to pacify you or lull you into a feeling a sense of stability and total commitment that may not be completely there.

 

[SoforReal]

Thanks for your response. He has mentioned her fiance. Her fiance wants to meet my fiance. She hasn't updated her social media page in a couple of years so unless he proposed to her recently that would be understandable. I doubt she told her fiance about their former fling. I had to pull teeth to get it out of mine.

It has to do with her city being a major area for his industry. We discussed both moving to a different state together if we get jobs in that state. But he has a ft job in his area now. Plus the cost of living is way cheaper there than where I live. He would have to make a considerable amount of money living where I am. But he is open to it once he gets a job transfer. Feel free to ask.

 

[SoforReal]

@Theresamonet Thanks for your response. He has mentioned her fiance. Her fiance wants to meet my fiance. She hasn't updated her social media page in a couple of years so unless he proposed to her recently that would be understandable. I doubt she told her fiance about their former fling. I had to pull teeth to get it out of mine.

It has to do with her city being a major area for his industry. We discussed both moving to a different state together if we get jobs in that state. But he has a ft job in his area now. Plus the cost of living is way cheaper there than where I live. He would have to make a considerable amount of money living where I am. But he is open to it once he gets a job transfer. Feel free to ask.

 

[intellectualuva]

Glad you got some answers OP. I agree with many of the posts here. It wouldnt be ok and his logic sounds awfully game-like and selfish.

 

[syze6]

@SoforReal Do you believe that the friend really has a fiancé? You said earlier that you found no evidence on her social media pages of there being a man in her life. And I can’t imagine that a man would be okay with his drop dead gorgeous fiancé opening her home to a man with whom she’s had an intimate relationship. If your fiancé is lying about that in an effort to manipulate you into seeing things his way, by giving you a false sense of security, that’s a pretty big deal, IMO. That’s something I’d still be concerned about regardless of him finally considering my feelings. I understand this is one of only a few disagreements you’ve had, but how you “disagree” with one another matters. Lies, trickery, and manipulation shouldn’t be a part of it.

I’m also still not understanding why he sees his future self possibly being in her city, living with her. Y’all have already been engaged for 2 years. At what point does he see himself being in whatever city YOU'RE in, living with YOU? Why isn’t the plan for the both of you to move somewhere that will be lucrative for you as a couple? He’s still thinking and behaving like a single man, and not one who is planning for a wife and family in the very near future.

I have other thoughts (and questions), but I won’t go on and on since you said that you’re good. But I do want to warn you not to allow the title of “fiancé” to pacify you or lull you into a feeling a sense of stability and total commitment that may not be completely there.

Men are good for saying the woman is married or has a boyfriend. So it makes her doubt that anything could be going on. Those are the ones who participate in cheating with the men. Women will play that friend role that he keeps feeding the wife or girlfriend.

 

[Fine 4s]

My ex asked to crash when he was going through something and I said no as well. I kinda felt bad that I couldn't help out because I would want someone to be there for me if I needed it and no ill intentions involved. Like just give me a bathtub to sleep in. I feel torn on this cuz I still feel guilty lol

 

[SoforReal]

My ex asked to crash when he was going through something and I said no as well. I kinda felt bad that I couldn't help out because I would want someone to be there for me if I needed it and no ill intentions involved. Like just give me a bathtub to sleep in. I don't know I feel torn on this cuz I stiff feel guilty lol

Are either of you dating someone?

 

[Fine 4s]

Are either of you dating someone?

yes.

 

[shermeezy]

I once dated a man that had many female friends. He was a very charismatic guy and in-touch with his feelings. On paper, he is really a great guy. He was also an opportunist and master manipulator. His gas-lighting abilities were impressive. He could lie & cheat with ease and convince himself and anyone else that he he was just misunderstood. It's important to trust your gut. Those nagging feelings and the post asking for advice are your own protective mechanisms trying to safeguard your heart and sanity.

In contrast, when I met my wonderful dh he told me straight away that he wouldn't consider a long-distance relationship when I considered moving for a job. He stepped up in many ways, so that I didn't have to take the job. He took measures to make sure that I knew that our future together was solid. We were engaged after 1 year of dating and married 1 year later. I have never doubted his words or actions.

 

[Big Hair Little Body]

I was married to a guy like this, If you can't talk to him and he understands like you do when you talk to your friends, and you find yourself trying to explain your feelings like your talking to a second grader, RUN GIRL RUN!!!! I wish someone had told me!!! He knows exactly what you mean and what you are saying he just doesn't care!!!

 

[CurliDiva]

Ok. Thank you! I guess because I don't know her and I can't trust her motives but being in someone's home is a very intimate setting and that part make me very uncomfortable. He said it's too late to go to the graduation but he said if he was unemployed again and wanted to interview in that state he would consider staying with her. He said it's no different than staying in a hotel and inviting her over.

I don't understand the need to invite anyone to a hotel versus meeting in a more public, neutral place.

Does he have a relationship with the kid? A graduation seems more of a "family" event more than a time to catch up with an old fling.... were you invited?

 

[CurliDiva]

Thank you! He has no idea I stalked her social media to do a little research.

It's not about her, you are in a relationship with HIM!

 

[Kurlee]

It's not about her, you are in a relationship with HIM!

It's about the both of them, especially if she knows about the relationship. Her inability to respect that speaks volumes about their relationship and how she will behave going forward.

 

[SoforReal]

I don't understand the need to invite anyone to a hotel versus meeting in a more public, neutral place.

Does he have a relationship with the kid? A graduation seems more of a "family" event more than a time to catch up with an old fling.... were you invited?

He just gave that as an example to say if a man wants to cheat he could do it anywhere. For example if a man stayed at a hotel he could invite the women over and cheat vs staying at her home and cheat. Blah blah

 

[SoforReal]

It's not about her, you are in a relationship with HIM!

True. AMEN!

 

[SoforReal]

It's about the both of them, especially if she knows about the relationship. Her inability to respect that speaks volumes about their relationship and how she will behave going forward.

He claims she invited me too. Highly doubt that(at least I didn’t hear that from her) or she invited me after the fact because he mentioned it and she has to.