is pre-marriage talk good

[beebellkel]

Hey ladies I wanted to have" the marriage" talk in this conversation I wanted to lay down my expectations and have him do the same. I really wanted to lay it all on the table and make sure that we are fit to be married. I dont want to get caught up in the fairytale of it all and end up in divorce court a year later because of issues that could have been talked about before marriage. I am a person who like to approach people in the correct manner. I dont want to come off as demanding but respected and heard. Have any of you ladies had " the talk" before? If so,what was your approach? And what are some important issues that you discussed?

 

[Kimbosheart]

I'm not married. But the succesfully married couples I know say that the talked about marriage, roles, expectations before they got engaged. Me and my SO recently had a very extensive talk about it. I'm also confident that we have the same values towards marraige because I see how his parents interact on a regular and consistent basis. HTH

 

[MamaBear2012]

I think so. We went to pre-marital counseling at our church. You have to find a really good pre-marital class. Ours was 12 weeks and many of the couples in the class were dating with the thought of marriage. So, that was our approach, 12 week classes with a group and 4 one-on-one classes with a pastor. If we could have done more classes, I would have. This is marriage, so I wanted to make sure that we covered all that we could prior to the day that I walked down the aisle.

Anyway, I'm too lazy to go and pull out my book from the classes, but we talked about communication styles (differing between men and women; how to communicate better; understanding your partners style); sex (how it differs between men and women generally; flirting; dealing with the opposite sex in life to safeguard your marriage; frequency; breaking soul ties with those who were before your partner; sexual abuse, ect.); family/friends (leaving and cleaving and what that means; cutting ties; healing emotional/physical baggage); parenting (how many children do you want? how did your mom and dad parent you? how do we want to parent our children?); roles (will mom work? what duties should be split at home?); finances (who handles the checkbook? what's our financial plan?; combining incomes; where do we want to see ourselves in the future financially)...

Those are the ones that I can think of off of the top of my head. If I pull out my book, I'll give you more. And I can type up some of the questions in our book and PM you. Just let me know.

 

[madamdot]

Yes its good.

Tell him you want to talk to him. Makes notes on what you want to talk about so you dont forget anything. This helped me to get through the embarrassing subjects.

We did this before we went through 2 separate rounds of pre-marital counseling.

 

[meesch]

things that i would cover in pre-marriage negotiations

- children (i only want one. period)
- roles and expectations (cooking, cleaning, sleeping, sex)
- where we will live (relocating? buying a home? what kind of home? where do we want to live/go/end up)
- debts (laying out amounts, both mine and his and sharing them)
- illnesses and diseases (getting an hiv test)
- possibility of one day returning to school (financial and/or time burden that would affect both of us)
- disclosure of addictions (are you a gambling addict? you do drugs?)
- sexual kinks (you ain't going in my back door so let's get that straight from jump)
- fidelity (boundaries, polyamory, views about cheating/forgiveness)
- relationship background (have you ever hit an ex?)
- income, money management, and credit
- how well do you take care of your health? (doctor visits, being aware of medical information)
- social hobbies, life, activities (do you plan to be going out most nights? at all? what sort of friends are we merging together? how do you plan on spending free time?)
- preventative care (im not gonna marry you only for you to get fat, so let's discuss how you feel about diet and exercise and taking care of yourself in general)

 

[Theo]

ooh these lists are great. very comprehensive.

 

[beebellkel]

cam2717 please pm me as many as you can

 

[beebellkel]

@;Meesh. Great list.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

I think it's a good sign that the relationship is heading towards marriage. There are a lot of topics to discussion, as listed by some posters above. The key thing to keep in mind is that it is not possible to discuss everything that will come up in a marriage. Though the talks increase the predictability of the marriage and marital decisions, there's never a sure way to know what you two will deal with until you are actually on that journey.

My SO and I have been having that talk very frequently. It's not just a single talk, but a series of talks. We both want to be sure and we are also a bit enthused - so we always have questions or topics.

I think it's a good place to be in and that you should approach it with an open heart and an open mind. You don't want to end up in a situation where you each are saying things just because it may sound good to the other person.

 

[beebellkel]

I think it's a good sign that the relationship is heading towards marriage. There are a lot of topics to discussion, as listed by some posters above. The key thing to keep in mind is that it is not possible to discuss everything that will come up in a marriage. Though the talks increase the predictability of the marriage and marital decisions, there's never a sure way to know what you two will deal with until you are actually on that journey.

My SO and I have been having that talk very frequently. It's not just a single talk, but a series of talks. We both want to be sure and we are also a bit enthused - so we always have questions or topics.

I think it's a good place to be inV and that you should approach it with an open heart and an open mind. You don't want to end up in a situation where you each are saying things just because it may sound good to the other person.

Very insightful! Thx!

 

[Godyssey]

there's never a sure way to know what you two will deal with until you are actually on that journey.

Exactly!

And people change. It's good if you have the same beliefs and compatible expectations going in, but people can change. It really is a journey.

ETA:

And this too!

You don't want to end up in a situation where you each are saying things just because it may sound good to the other person.

Happens all the time. Very insightful, SweetNic_JA

 

[meesch]

Exactly!

And people change. It's good if you have the same beliefs and compatible expectations going in, but people can change. It really is a journey.

ETA:

And this too!



Happens all the time. Very insightful, SweetNic_JA

So what should one take away from this, don't bother having the conversation(s) at all?

 

[SweetNic_JA]

So what should one take away from this, don't bother having the conversation(s) at all?

No not at all. The conversations are important as they help to further clarify compatibility, but we must be wise enough to know that things are subject to change. Nothing is static.

The key thing I get out of the conversations (and out of my general knowledge of my SO) is knowing how he approaches different challenges. I learn more about how he analyzes things, what his values are, and what his most important boundaries are.

It's like creating a painting. You sketch your shapes/the image in pencil. You have a general idea what your painting is going to look like, but you may change the color scheme, or you may erase some details, or add in something else as you build up the painting. Hope that wasn't too far off tangent...

 

[alwaysinchrist]

you headed in the right direction. I didn't do marriage counseling and I was divorced a year later. We didn't share the same values and he wasn't ready. If I ever walk down that road again, I would defin take the necessary steps so we both on the same page.

 

[Godyssey]

It's like creating a painting. You sketch your shapes/the image in pencil. You have a general idea what your painting is going to look like, but you may change the color scheme, or you may erase some details, or add in something else as you build up the painting. Hope that wasn't too far off tangent...

Okay, I need you to be my guru, lol!

But I want to add that pre-observation, is just as important as the pre-talking. Please make sure to take the time to actually "see" if this persons actions matches up with what they say they want, or are capable of. It's so easy to get caught up in your emotions and ignore blatant signs. I know I did.

Luckily, the signs that I ignored weren't deal breakers, just annoying habits that weren't so annoying, when I was being swept off my feet.

Although, you seem to be level headed and taking the proper steps to help make the correct decision. Good luck!

 

[beebellkel]

Okay, I need you to be my guru, lol!

But I want to add that pre-observation, is just as important as the pre-talking. Please make sure to take the time to actually "see" if this persons actions matches up with what they say they want, or are capable of. It's so easy to get caught up in your emotions and ignore blatant signs. I know I did.

Luckily, the signs that I ignored weren't deal breakers, just annoying habits that weren't so annoying, when I was being swept off my feet.


Although, you seem to be level headed and taking the proper steps to help make the correct decision. Good

Great point!

 

[firecracker]

Great thread and advise! We plan on taking classes at my church.

 

[hopeful]

Great thread and advise! We plan on taking classes at my church.

firecracker

Wait, what? Are you getting married?

 

[firecracker]

firecracker

Wait, what? Are you getting married?

hopeful Girl I put my life on hold for the sake of my daughter since she was 10. I've always planned on getting married once I got my daughter thru university and set up as an adult. That time don come and went so I'm in a relationship that is headed for marriage or bust. I got the right one for me and never planned on my daughter taking care of me in my old age. That a man's job!

 

[hopeful]

I got married very young and we had very little pre-marital counseling. I recall maybe one or two sessions with a pastor. I wish we'd had more. I think it would have been helpful but I also agree with "the people change" sentiment, especially if you marry young. People don't see how demanding a career may be, that they want children afterall, that they don't enjoy playing certain roles that they thought they loved, etc. I think the most important common value of all is loving marriage and being married, and being committed to staying married.

 

[firecracker]

I got married very young and we had very little pre-marital counseling. I recall maybe one or two sessions with a pastor. I wish we'd had more. I think it would have been helpful but I also agree with "the people change" sentiment, especially if you marry young. People don't see how demanding a career may be, that they want children afterall, that they don't enjoy playing certain roles that they thought they loved, etc. I think the most important common value of all is loving marriage and being married, and being committed to staying married.

ITA with your post. Long term relationships are hardwork and challenging period. I know me very well at this point so I have to proceed at a slow pace and stay in church because I truly need an adjustment period. I love my ME time and freedom. I won't be losing freedom but I will definitely be giving up alot of ME time. Sad thing is I never liked shacking but I want to do it soooo bad for at least a few months before jumping the broom. I plan on being upfront with my pastor about my issues.

 

[hopeful]

Firecracker I am happy for you. Keep us updated, okay? Living together a few months before marriage wouldn't be the worst thing.