Is Marriage Forever...

[Syrah]

Married or not - what is your guiding principle in your marriage (supposed or actual)?

- A commitment to the vows you took before God, Friends and Family
- A commitment to your own feelings of respect and tolerance

And I'm saying this, barring certain extreme circumstances like physical/mental/sexual abuse, major financial pitfalls (you found out he was embezzling money from Cuba), closet homosexuality (some of ya'll seem to really fear this), endangering your children, telling you he bought the house but has been exchanging it for "favors" etc...

Which one takes the cake - the vows or respect and tolerance?

And for those who say they aren't mutually exclusive, I agree. But at some point, some circumstances may require to put a commitment to one above the other (i.e. "tolerating" or being willing to work through certain things in honor of the vows you took, or choosing to negate the vows in order to adhere to certain levels of tolerance).

This post isn't about gaging "how much" you're willing to put up with or tolerate, but more what is the guiding principle or guiding factor in your relationship. To that end, lets not get into a discussion about "extreme circumstances", but the more "typical" occurrences that have broken up many a marriage i.e. uneven expectations, freak infidelity - meaning it wasn't a consistent thing, financial obstacles, religion, in-laws.

 

[hopeful]

A commitment to my own feelings of respect and tolerance is my guiding principle.

But my commitment to my vows and God are very very important to me as well. Family and friends not so much, I would not stay with someone for my family and friends, maybe for my children.

 

[dlewis]

A commitment to the vows you took before God

Well I must say that I have delt with inlaws so really how bad can it get?

No homosexuality/ child molesting things at all. I really feel like if I found out Dh was gay, bi and anything else like that I would kill him. I think a jury to let me off with an extreme situation like that. Affair.... I would divorce him. These things would make our vows null and void.

Anything else we can work through.

 

[Son26]

For me it will be respect and tolerance.

 

[Syrah]

Me personally? I'm commitment and vows (of course, barring extreme circumstances) - that we made to each other.

Maybe it's because I'm the child of parents who divorced after 23 years of marriage, but I think the vows I have yet to take are veeeeeeeery important to me. "Divorce" for me is not an alternative, but is the last resort to an irreconcilable solution - especially if there are children involved.

That being said, it actually explains my "dating" behavior. So many of my friends are all about the "lets have the expectations discussion days/weeks before I get married" - nuh uh. As much as I want that beautiful ring, and the fairy tale, I want to have it before WE decide so that we can take the leap of faith together. So you know what you're getting and what you're signing up for. And vice versa.

It's like a job - don't ask for the job description after you've got the offer, because now there are distractions to cloud your judgment (like a signing bonus, or in this case that 2.5 carat diamond staring at you).

 

[kandake]

It was my commitment and vows taken before God. Thats why I struggled so much with getting a divorce. It would have been a much easier decision had it involved me and my feelings of respect and tolerance

 

[JustKiya]

It's - both, for me.

If he respects and tolerates me, I will have no reason to break my vows. If he doesn't respect and tolerate me, he is breaking our vows, already!

I can't - honestly - picture a situation of 'temporary' disrespect that wouldn't indicate something was seriously broken, already.

 

[mxdchiq86]

for me it is respect and tolerance.

1 corinthians 7:15 but if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman IS NOT BOUND IN SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES. GOD HAS CALLED US TO LIVE IN PEACE.

while my intentions are to stick by my commitment 100%, there are circumstances that i will not tolerate.

 

[hopeful]

for me it is respect and tolerance.

1 corinthians 7:15 but if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman IS NOT BOUND IN SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES. GOD HAS CALLED US TO LIVE IN PEACE.

while my intentions are to stick by my commitment 100%, there are circumstances that i will not tolerate.

Thank you so much for this scripture! It's beautiful and expresses how I feel. I believe so much that God wants us to live in peace.

 

[DMJ's Mom]

MY husband and myself are believers in the only grounds for divorce are Adultery, Abandonment, and abuse

 

[drasgrl]

I'm not religious so "God" or Christian religious teachings really won't be much of a factor for me if I ever get married. I don't need religion to have a committed relationship, just faith in myself and the other person. I'm a child of divorce and I wouldn't want to get divorced but at the same time I don't think it would be so bad. People change.

Commitment would be very important to me but if either party didn't feel the same years down the road then I don't want to keep you if you don't want to stay. If both of us still feel committed to the relationship 30 years down the road then great if not well life goes on.

If the only thing keeping you together is some kind of promise to stay together just because and not real desire or feelings behind it then I'd rather you not promise me anything and just take each day as it comes.

 

[tiara76]

I'm not religious so "God" or Christian religious teachings really won't be much of a factor for me if I ever get married. I don't need religion to have a committed relationship, just faith in myself and the other person. I'm a child of divorce and I wouldn't want to get divorced but at the same time I don't think it would be so bad. People change.

Commitment would be very important to me but if either party didn't feel the same years down the road then I don't want to keep you if you don't want to stay. If both of us still feel committed to the relationship 30 years down the road then great if not well life goes on.

If the only thing keeping you together is some kind of promise to stay together just because and not real desire or feelings behind it then I'd rather you not promise me anything and just take each day as it comes.

That would pretty much describe how I feel...I know too many people staying married out of obligation or guilt vs real love and their true feelings on who they are and where they want to be and both people are missing out on truly experiencing more love and peace in their lives when it gets to that point when one or the other or both are just staying together for reasons other than they truly love each other, grow together and spiritually evolve together...the spirit lives, grows and thrives off of real true love...imo of course

its a different relationship when one or both people are staying together because they really want to...and that includes in times up and down...vs those staying together because they feel they have to

 

[jeanne516]

Well IMO, I would have to go with commitment and vows...Marriage is a VERY serious thing for me, and I have always believed that, based upon what I have seen growing up between my own parents and my stepfather. Before I even get to the point of thinking about commitment and vows, I have to know that without a shadow of a doubt, and with every fiber of my being that this person was ordained by God for me...If I wasn't sure whether or not he was ordained by God for me, I doubt we would be making it to the altar...for me it is going to take alot of prayer and fasting to come to such a conclusion...

For me its so serious because when I make such a vow/commitment before God, I don't want to go back on my word...and once I'm sure about this person that God has given me, I dont think there would be an issue concerning respect and tolerance.

Just my opinion.