Is it true that....

[Perfexion]

....you need to be with someone for at least ten years before you REALLY get to know them? I was having this discussion with some of my older coworkers who have been married for 20+ years and they said that the first 10 years is the getting to know you phase and the second ten years is when you're actually gelled together as man and wife. Although one of my coworkers did say that she and her husband shacked up for the first 5 years and that sped the process along. Another lady said every year she learned something new about her husband of 27 years that probably would've never come out when they were just dating. And I don't mean things like leaving socks on the floor or preferring toilet paper on the roll upside down. She meant deepest darkest fears, precious childhood memories and secret ambitions and goals. He wasn't intentionally hiding anything from her. They were just things that had never come up in the conversation before. She said it takes that long to establish true intimacy with another person. I don't know if I agree with that or not. What do you ladies think?

 

[rafikichick92]

I think it depends on what you mean by "really get to know" someone. You will never know everything about anyone, yourself included, lol. At some point, it becomes a matter of diminishing returns--after 2 years, if you are intentional, you might know 90% of what you can reasonably expect to ever know about a person whereas at 10 years that might have only increased to 95%, hypothetically speaking of course.

I think the concept of being "gelled together as man and wife" is a different issue, kinda like familiarity--you'd feel more "gelled" with a BFF of 10 years than a friend you've know for 5 years--just getting to know each other's innate rhythms as people rather than just their general character and facts about them.

As far as deep dark secrets coming out, some things won't ever be revealed unless you ask good questions and the person tells you or circumstances lead to things being revealed. I think this is why it's important to ask questions of people directly, assuming you've laid a foundation of trust, truthfulness, and honesty--deep, dark secrets don't just come up. Intentionality is important, though of course you can never "catch" everything.

*all yous are general yous*

 

[Lucie]

I don't believe you will ever get to know everything there is to know about a person. We evolve. Change our beliefs. Forget to mention things. Or choose not to share things because they currently lack importance.

And even with yourself, there are things you thought you'd never experience or do but have. I do not believe there is a time limit for these things.

 

[Fine 4s]

I think it depends on what you mean by "really get to know" someone. You will never know everything about anyone, yourself included, lol. At some point, it becomes a matter of diminishing returns--after 2 years, if you are intentional, you might know 90% of what you can reasonably expect to ever know about a person whereas at 10 years that might have only increased to 95%, hypothetically speaking of course.

I think the concept of being "gelled together as man and wife" is a different issue, kinda like familiarity--you'd feel more "gelled" with a BFF of 10 years than a friend you've know for 5 years--just getting to know each other's innate rhythms as people rather than just their general character and facts about them.

As far as deep dark secrets coming out, some things won't ever be revealed unless you ask good questions and the person tells you or circumstances lead to things being revealed. I think this is why it's important to ask questions of people directly, assuming you've laid a foundation of trust, truthfulness, and honesty--deep, dark secrets don't just come up. Intentionality is important, though of course you can never "catch" everything.

*all yous are general yous*

Yes! Asking the right question is key.

You will never know every detail of someone else's life. I've said it before, even women who THINK their partners wouldn't do certain things would be very surprised to know of certain behaviors.

Now, character, values etc are things you should be able to pick up on within a short amount of time.

We all have secrets...I watch talk shows lolololol j/k

 

[Evolving78]

no i don't and that is some old school way of thinking. a person is always changing for the better or the worse. and folks don't tell you everything. i don't think there is a thing with needing a lot of years to mesh well together. i believe folks go into marriage with all types of ideas on how it should be. things change over the course of years. marriage is what you make it and it takes work on a daily basis. finding your groove with your mate is something that comes with putting your differences aside for the greater good of the relationship. for some, that may take years.

 

[aribell]

Yes! Asking the right question is key.

You will never know every detail of someone else's life. I've said it before, even women who THINK their partners wouldn't do certain things would be very surprised to know of certain behaviors.

Now, character, values etc are things you should be able to pick up on within a short amount of time.

We all have secrets...I watch talk shows lolololol j/k

ITA. I don't know about "gelling" in a marriage, but just regarding knowing someone on an intimate level, I've seen in longterm, close friendships that yes, you can continually discover things about someone that you never knew.

But the question really is what do you need to know in order to trust someone? That's more about character and values, imo.