Is it against the bible to leave an abusive marraige?

[Butterfly08]

I was just reading Stormie O'Martian's book Power of a Praying Wife and she suggests that an abused wife should leave the house and continue praying for her husband from a safe place while he receives counseling.

But what about the men who are absolutely unrepentant, won't admit what they're doing is wrong, and won't seek counseling? I know of the verses that say God hates divorce, and that a woman commits adultery if she divorces her husband and remarries while her ex is still alive. What are your thoughts on this?

It's a hard pill for me to swallow to believe that God condones abuse, and would condemn a battered woman from leaving a physically and emotionally violent situation.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I was just reading Stormie O'Martian's book Power of a Praying Wife and she suggests that an abused wife should leave the house and continue praying for her husband from a safe place while he receives counseling.

But what about the men who are absolutely unrepentant, won't admit what they're doing is wrong, and won't seek counseling? I know of the verses that say God hates divorce, and that a woman commits adultery if she divorces her husband and remarries while her ex is still alive. What are your thoughts on this?

It's a hard pill for me to swallow to believe that God condones abuse, and would condemn a battered woman from leaving a physically and emotionally violent situation.

ITA...she should leave and pray for him. I have seen God do miracles in the lives of so many people in these situations. If the man or woman (woman can be abusive as well) chooses not to repent...it's God's job to handle them...you are to continue to pray and stay focused on the plans that God has for your life.

In no way does the Lord condone abuse...of any kind. We have to make wise decisions based on what the Lord desires, not what we desire. When we gave our lives to the Lord...we made the choice to live for Him, right? We must listen to that still, small voice that speaks to our hearts...He will always lead you on the right path. A person shouldn't worry about their spouse and what happens...allow God to handle him/her. We must keep our eyes upon Him in whom we have to do!

I hope I helped in some way.

Blessings to you, always!

 

[daydreem2876]

im my opinion, it is not of God to be an abusive husband. anything that follows after that is not of God. therefore, the relationship is not of God.

 

[goldielocs]

ITA...she should leave and pray for him. I have seen God do miracles in the lives of so many people in these situations. If the man or woman (woman can be abusive as well) chooses not to repent...it's God's job to handle them...you are to continue to pray and stay focused on the plans that God has for your life.

In no way does the Lord condone abuse...of any kind. We have to make wise decisions based on what the Lord desires, not what we desire. When we gave our lives to the Lord...we made the choice to live for Him, right? We must listen to that still, small voice that speaks to our hearts...He will always lead you on the right path. A person shouldn't worry about their spouse and what happens...allow God to handle him/her. We must keep our eyes upon Him in whom we have to do!

I hope I helped in some way.

Blessings to you, always!

I could not have said it better.

 

[Mamita]

saying the rlp is not of God doesnt mean the vow doesnt stand in front of Him!!! It stands completely. we cant go around vowing even not in church thinking it doesnt count, God invented marriage, we're abusing it to our own advantage

I have the testimony of a woman whos husband left her, she was a very strong woman in her faith, he left got married elsewhere, but that was still her husband, she got with no other man
she prayed and prayed and kept focused NEVER GOT WITH ANOTHER MAN in 12 YEARS !
the man came back to her, she took him back even though he was broke and sick
that s her husband, she kept praying now he's making money and the doctors see no trace of his smoking for 20 years NOT ONE TRACE he's repenting now

Dont think for one second that God cannot change someone if you do right by Him and his Commandments and teachings

one of them? no divorce

 

[Mamita]

if Nice and wavy says leave without divorcing i agree totally too

 

[CoilyFields]

This is very interesting as I assume that physical abuse of women was more prevelant in biblical days then now and Im sure women had very little recourse but to pray for their husbands. Hmmm....

 

[PinkPebbles]

This is a touchy subject but unfortunately verbal and physical abuse happen everyday.

My spirit is grieving right now because something awful happened to my best friend last night.

My response comes from my heart....If my friend, sister, cousin, aunt, mother, etc. informs me that they are being abused by their spouse. I'd tell them it's time to worry and love only yourself right now until you are emotionally, physically, and mentally healed.

I'm going to help you pack your belongings and you are moving in with me. In the meantime, you are not going to stress or worry about your marriage. That brother needs help. Until he acknowledges his wrong doing and gets the help that he desperately needs you are not to have any interaction with him.

A woman that is suffering from abuse is stripped from her self-worth. She needs a lot of time building her self back up and being strengthened in the Lord.

 

[Prudent1]

This is very interesting as I assume that physical abuse of women was more prevelant in biblical days then now and Im sure women had very little recourse but to pray for their husbands. Hmmm....

Coily,
So glad you brought that up. There are a lot of erroneous things ppl have assumed about God and his view of women which have unfortunately lead to confusion among both sexes- this is one of them. Nowhere in the bible does God condone women being abused. Not physically, emotionally, nor spritually. Women are not second class citizens designed to be at a man's beck and call. In fact, there are instances of women who were abused sexually etc and the men (God respecting men) in their families extracted a heavy toll towards the perpetrator- death. The bible (and history) teaches us that there are no new things happening now that haven't always taken place. So, there are no more instances of abuse now versus in biblical times. Prayer is significantly more than a method of recourse for a Christian. In a situation like this it is an act of obedience towards God who has instructed us to allow him to make changes in our hearts that allow us to pray for the most vile of human actions directed towards us. Doing so allows us to go on and lead healthy lives. As others here have stated if an abuser is truly sorry that person can be changed but only by God. That is not up to the abused to be concerned with nor should they allow themselves to continue to be in contact with the abuser. A person can only change themselves. A lot of good women are deceased now from staying in abusive situations and not receiving Godly counsel + not asking/ being sure they heard from God for themselves. A real man, that is a God respecting man understands that one of his main roles as a man is to serve as a protector at all costs (even if he dies in the process) of the women in his life. Some abusers will not change because they don't want to. They will reap what they have sown. God loves and values women. He always has. He always will. Ignorance of his great and unending love kills. Great post!!
Prudent1

BTW OP:
A marriage is a blood binding covenant. Like all contracts/ covenants I think all parties can violate their agreements and render the contract null and void so to speak. The problem is that we have too many ppl throwing in the towel in marriages who are just plain selfish. They have not truly done all they can do. They have not sought God and received his instruction on how to conduct themselves in their individual situations. Before anyone says I don't understand. I do. I am a survivor of physical and mental abuse in my previous marriage. I am currently divorced from the offender. After a period of years, I have forgiven him.

 

[Laela]

It takes two to make a marriage work. If one isn't committed, the marriage will fail. That's not to say a marriage was not of God or not.

 

[JinaRicci]

I don't think it's an absolute- it depends on the situation and specifically what God is saying to do. For example, we know that God hates divorce but he also said "Thou shall not kill." There are some situations where the woman's (or man's) life is under threat or where the abused ends up killing the abuser. Will we advise someone who is going through this to stay married to that type of person no matter how long it takes for that person to change? And what if they don't?

I agree that God can work and will work miracles in the abuser's life but that person has also got to be willing- they still have a choice here. And let's face it there are some marriages that God did not ordain in the first place. Yes he honors them all the same but in some cases God has a different plan. To me that is a decision that most importantly needs to be reconciled with God.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I don't think it's an absolute- it depends on the situation and specifically what God is saying to do. For example, we know that God hates divorce but he also said "Thou shall not kill." There are some situations where the woman's (or man's) life is under threat or where the abused ends up killing the abuser. Will we advise someone who is going through this to stay married to that type of person no matter how long it takes for that person to change? And what if they don't?

I agree that God can work and will work miracles in the abuser's life but that person has also got to be willing- they still have a choice here. And let's face it there are some marriages that God did not ordain in the first place. Yes he honors them all the same but in some cases God has a different plan. To me that is a decision that most importantly needs to be reconciled with God.

I said that I have seen God work miracles in situations like this...I wasn't specific on the 'abuser'. WE should not tell anyone if they should or should not stay married...that's not OUR call. It's the person who is in the situation's call to stay married or not.

As believers, we must be careful when giving advice to married couples. That's a covenant...regardless of what is happening. When we involve ourselves in it, we begin to own something that doesn't belong to us. I have seen on many occasions, when the husband was abusive, and when there was an intervention...the wife, jumped on the person trying to help. This is why it's so important to let the other person make the call if they will divorce or not. Don't get involved with it.

 

[Prudent1]

I said that I have seen God work miracles in situations like this...I wasn't specific on the 'abuser'. WE should not tell anyone if they should or should not stay married...that's not OUR call. It's the person who is in the situation's call to stay married or not.

As believers, we must be careful when giving advice to married couples. That's a covenant...regardless of what is happening. When we involve ourselves in it, we begin to own something that doesn't belong to us. I have seen on many occasions, when the husband was abusive, and when there was an intervention...the wife, jumped on the person trying to help. This is why it's so important to let the other person make the call if they will divorce or not. Don't get involved with it.

ITA,
Very careful indeed...ppl don't understand how important marriage is to God. Very careful...

 

[PinkPebbles]

I said that I have seen God work miracles in situations like this...I wasn't specific on the 'abuser'. WE should not tell anyone if they should or should not stay married...that's not OUR call. It's the person who is in the situation's call to stay married or not.

As believers, we must be careful when giving advice to married couples. That's a covenant...regardless of what is happening. When we involve ourselves in it, we begin to own something that doesn't belong to us. I have seen on many occasions, when the husband was abusive, and when there was an intervention...the wife, jumped on the person trying to help. This is why it's so important to let the other person make the call if they will divorce or not. Don't get involved with it.

Nice&Wavy - I ask this question in all sincerity....

If your best friend or sister came to your doorstep after midnight during a weekday with a broken arm and a bruised face from her abusive husband. What would you do? How much would you involve yourself? What advice would you give this sister or best friend?

 

[meka]

I know no marriage is perfect and there will be trials but I can't help but wonder if an abusive marriage is ordained by God. You know how the Lord has the One for us if he so chooses us to marry and when it does NOT line up with His will, things like that will happen.

Any insight?

 

[Shimmie]

I said that I have seen God work miracles in situations like this...I wasn't specific on the 'abuser'. WE should not tell anyone if they should or should not stay married...that's not OUR call. It's the person who is in the situation's call to stay married or not.

As believers, we must be careful when giving advice to married couples. That's a covenant...regardless of what is happening. When we involve ourselves in it, we begin to own something that doesn't belong to us.

I have seen on many occasions, when the husband was abusive, and when there was an intervention...the wife, jumped on the person trying to help. This is why it's so important to let the other person make the call if they will divorce or not. Don't get involved with it.

Pastor this is so true.

My mom would always say, ' You can never come between husband and wife."

And in essence, my mom was teaching us about the Covenent between the two who are one.

In situations of 'abuse' or life threatening behaviour, common sense tells anyone to 'save yourself and the children', by removing oneself from the situation. Yet, only God can tell someone to dissolve the marriage.

What I think about it personally, I can't advise another person. Only God can do that and should be allowed to. I have no idea what God's plans are with their marriage and I can't get in the way of it.

 

[Shimmie]

I know no marriage is perfect and there will be trials but I can't help but wonder if an abusive marriage is ordained by God. You know how the Lord has the One for us if he so chooses us to marry and when it does NOT line up with His will, things like that will happen.

Any insight?

An abusive marriage is most definitely not ordained of God. God commanda the husband to love his wife and to treat her with tenderness and to be her protector. To abuse her in any form or fashion is not of God and it never will be.

God even says in I Peter, that in order for a man's prayers to be heard, that he must be loving to his wife.

 

[Laela]

This is true... and extends to other scenarios outside of marriage. As believers we each also have a blood covenant with God.

As believers, we must be careful when giving advice to married couples. That's a covenant...regardless of what is happening. When we involve ourselves in it, we begin to own something that doesn't belong to us..

 

[JinaRicci]

I said that I have seen God work miracles in situations like this...I wasn't specific on the 'abuser'. WE should not tell anyone if they should or should not stay married...that's not OUR call. It's the person who is in the situation's call to stay married or not.

As believers, we must be careful when giving advice to married couples. That's a covenant...regardless of what is happening. When we involve ourselves in it, we begin to own something that doesn't belong to us. I have seen on many occasions, when the husband was abusive, and when there was an intervention...the wife, jumped on the person trying to help. This is why it's so important to let the other person make the call if they will divorce or not. Don't get involved with it.

Nice & Wavy- Actually, I wasn't referring specifically to your post. My pt was that God does work to allow these situations to end up for good but not always. We have to allow God to make that decision. ITA on not getting involved on whether to stay married- that's why I wouldn't tell someone in this situation to wait for the person to change OR to get divorced. Let God do the leading.

I just feel that sometimes we as Christians (in general) can make those going through this feel guilty for wanting to get divorced after all that they have been through. Guilt that God is not even laying on them.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Nice&Wavy - I ask this question in all sincerity....

If your best friend or sister came to your doorstep after midnight during a weekday with a broken arm and a bruised face from her abusive husband. What would you do? How much would you involve yourself? What advice would you give this sister or best friend?

Thanks for asking, PinkPebbles.

I deal with situations like this all the time, as both my dh and I have a marriage ministry. As I stated in my earlier posts, this doesn't just happen with women only...there are women who abuse men as well...trust me, I know this for a fact! This type of thing happens IN THE CHURCH! When they do come, we talk to them, pray with them and encourage them in the Lord, but we NEVER, EVER, EVER, tell them to get a divorce.

Removing themselves from the home IS something that is encouraged because God did not create us to be doormats for anyone. Most times, when they do separate, the person is able to think clearer and is then able to hear the Lord about what the next step would be. We want that person to hear the Lord, and not us. Man will fail a person every time, but God will never fail that person.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Pastor this is so true.

My mom would always say, ' You can never come between husband and wife."

And in essence, my mom was teaching us about the Covenent between the two who are one.

In situations of 'abuse' or life threatening behaviour, common sense tells anyone to 'save yourself and the children', by removing oneself from the situation. Yet, only God can tell someone to dissolve the marriage.

What I think about it personally, I can't advise another person. Only God can do that and should be allowed to. I have no idea what God's plans are with their marriage and I can't get in the way of it.

Shimmie, the bolded is something that is so true, yet...most don't follow this. I find that most people want someone to tell them to dissolve the marriage...then I have seen them say "well, pastor/leader/teacher so and so said it was ok.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

This is true... and extends to other scenarios outside of marriage. As believers we each also have a blood covenant with God.

Yes, it does extend outside of marriage

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Nice & Wavy- Actually, I wasn't referring specifically to your post. My pt was that God does work to allow these situations to end up for good but not always. We have to allow God to make that decision. ITA on not getting involved on whether to stay married- that's why I wouldn't tell someone in this situation to wait for the person to change OR to get divorced. Let God do the leading.

I just feel that sometimes we as Christians (in general) can make those going through this feel guilty for wanting to get divorced after all that they have been through. Guilt that God is not even laying on them.

JinaRicci, the only reason why I responded to your post was because I was the one who mentioned "miracles" in the post and then you mentioned it in yours. I totally understood what you were trying to say. No one should be made to feel guilty about any decision that they have made in their lives, whether its about a marriage or something else. God is a God of order!

 

[PinkPebbles]

Thanks for asking, PinkPebbles.

I deal with situations like this all the time, as both my dh and I have a marriage ministry. As I stated in my earlier posts, this doesn't just happen with women only...there are women who abuse men as well...trust me, I know this for a fact! This type of thing happens IN THE CHURCH! When they do come, we talk to them, pray with them and encourage them in the Lord, but we NEVER, EVER, EVER, tell them to get a divorce.

Removing themselves from the home IS something that is encouraged because God did not create us to be doormats for anyone. Most times, when they do separate, the person is able to think clearer and is then able to hear the Lord about what the next step would be. We want that person to hear the Lord, and not us. Man will fail a person every time, but God will never fail that person.

Thanks for your response. And definitely agree with the bolded.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I know no marriage is perfect and there will be trials but I can't help but wonder if an abusive marriage is ordained by God. You know how the Lord has the One for us if he so chooses us to marry and when it does NOT line up with His will, things like that will happen.

Any insight?

What we must remember is this: Marriage is of God! When there is abuse in a marriage, then that person must make a decision whether they want to separate from their spouse, because they don't want to be in a position of abuse.

Most of us believe that it was ordained of God when we met the person we fell in love with. When we marry, God honors His Covenant. Many people find themselves in these positions because they didn't want to see the signs before they got married (ie: "he/she will change once we get married." "I'll have a baby and that will change the situation.", etc.) All of this is before they say "I DO" yet, they do it anyway after seeing all the signs and then when this type of thing happens, they blame God.

Another thing is that many people don't see the signs before hand because the person doing the abuse, is good at putting on a front...loving, nice, sweet...blah, blah...and then as soon as you say "I DO" Wham! the real person comes forth.

We must be in a position of discernment in our lives in every area, not just marriage. We will be saved from so much if we just use our gifts more, and use less of our emotions.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Thanks for your response. And definitely agree with the bolded.

You are more than welcome, sis. This is a very sensitive subject, for many. We all have either been in these types of situations, or know someone close to us who have or are going through it.

to all!

 

[Shimmie]

Shimmie, the bolded is something that is so true, yet...most don't follow this .

I find that most people want someone to tell them to dissolve the marriage...

then I have seen them say "well, pastor/leader/teacher so and so said it was ok .

EXACTLY ! Pastor Wavy, it has to be 'their' and God's decision. All 'we' can do is be a prayer support.

I know that by 'staying', we are teaching the abusive spouse that it's okay to 'abuse'. So hit me once, I'm gone.

But that's just me, personally. (Plus you already know I'm a hard head, cause I'd be in there fighting back, then I'd leave. I'm not leaving without putting a few licks of my own on him. :hardslap: And I'm still a lady with silk, satin, and lace. I just don't play that mess, getting hit. It brings out the 'Madea' in me.

But to dissolve a marriage is not for me to tell someone else, for if this person 'the abuser' truly gets help, then I've dissolved a family's healing, even worse, I may be interfering with their Destiny or answer to prayer.

This applies with both male and female situations, for there are some abusive women out there beating up on their husbands dreadfully. Because of humiliation, these men will not share this to get help. It's sad for anyone that this happens to.

But you're right, 'we' cannot tell them to dissolve. It's not our 'call'.

 

[Irresistible]

What we must remember is this: Marriage is of God! When there is abuse in a marriage, then that person must make a decision whether they want to separate from their spouse, because they don't want to be in a position of abuse.

Most of us believe that it was ordained of God when we met the person we fell in love with. When we marry, God honors His Covenant. Many people find themselves in these positions because they didn't want to see the signs before they got married (ie: "he/she will change once we get married." "I'll have a baby and that will change the situation.", etc.) All of this is before they say "I DO" yet, they do it anyway after seeing all the signs and then when this type of thing happens, they blame God.

Another thing is that many people don't see the signs before hand because the person doing the abuse, is good at putting on a front...loving, nice, sweet...blah, blah...and then as soon as you say "I DO" Wham! the real person comes forth.

We must be in a position of discernment in our lives in every area, not just marriage. We will be saved from so much if we just use our gifts more, and use less of our emotions.

Ahhh my most painful lesson right here

might as well put this in lights

cause that aint no joke! My emotions/feelings have surely taken me places I know God would not want for me

I am working on this so hard now and am standing/not being moved by emotions

used to be me , dont know what happened, but I'm getting back

cause opening doors based on my emotions and feelings, let the enemy just about kill me and severely wound my soul with abuse. sigh

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Shimmie, you and me both! My mother use to say "If a man put his hands on me, I'll kill him, do my time, then marry another one that looks just like him."...my mother was extra in that area, let me tell you...she didn't play.

EXACTLY ! Pastor Wavy, it has to be 'their' and God's decision. All 'we' can do is be a prayer support.

I know that by 'staying', we are teaching the abusive spouse that it's okay to 'abuse'. So hit me once, I'm gone.

But that's just me, personally. (Plus you already know I'm a hard head, cause I'd be in there fighting back, then I'd leave. I'm not leaving without putting a few licks of my own on him. :hardslap: And I'm still a lady with silk, satin, and lace. I just don't play that mess, getting hit. It brings out the 'Madea' in me.

But to dissolve a marriage is not for me to tell someone else, for if this person 'the abuser' truly gets help, then I've dissolved a family's healing, even worse, I may be interfering with their Destiny or answer to prayer.

This applies with both male and female situations, for there are some abusive women out there beating up on their husbands dreadfully. Because of humiliation, these men will not share this to get help. It's sad for anyone that this happens to.

But you're right, 'we' cannot tell them to dissolve. It's not our 'call'.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

[/B]

Ahhh my most painful lesson right here

might as well put this in lights

cause that aint no joke! My emotions/feelings have surely taken me places I know God would not want for me

I am working on this so hard now and am standing/not being moved by emotions

used to be me , dont know what happened, but I'm getting back

cause opening doors based on my emotions and feelings, let the enemy just about kill me and severely wound my soul with abuse. sigh

Glad to know you are working this out for your good.