Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"....

[glam-]

love, that in love feeling?

This is something I've been grappling with lately and the Marriage...for Happiness or Holiness thread really caused me to think about it even more.

I am 33, single, but I date. I don't put it out there, but I'm looking for potential mate material. Someone with whom I share values (God, family, etc) and who wants the same types of things out of life. Right now, I feel like I am attracting the right types of guys- which is good. I keep it casual and I'm keeping physical intimacy out of the picture until I'm in a committed relationship.

I am currently in touch with a few guys who are all college educated, professional, decent incomes, ages between 32 and 44. They want to get married in the near future (1-2 1/2 yrs) and want to have kids and see me as potential mate material and would like to pursue a relationship. Herein lies my dilemma. Obviously, these are good guys and any of them would make a good husband and father because of the aforementioned qualities and other attributes which I have observed. I enjoy each of their company, but I pretty much don't feel any spark. I like spending time, but I could kinda take it or leave it.

I've been in love in the past before, I think, but now I'm kinda numb. These guys can make me smile with sweet actions, kind words, etc, but I know other women who just have a glow and a big smile when they talk about their SO. Though I would like to be in a relationship, I would also like to feel some magic. erplexed Does that come? How important is it? Especially, if the key component of marriage is a commitment before God and to the family unit you all are establishing together. (I know these comments/questions might sound naive)

I don't want to wait around forever for something that may or may not happen- should I try a relationship with a "nice guy" or continue living my life as a single gal and hold out for the qualities I'm looking for and some spark?

Your advice, feedback, comments, etc are welcomed (Thanks in advance!)

 

[Lindy]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

I definitely hear what you're saying, but I would wait for the spark. IMO, if there's no spark there, the marriage just aint gonna last. Marriage is hard enough with someone you DO feel a spark with ~ sometimes thinking back on that spark (cuz the spark WILL die down, trust me on that!! ) is the only thing that gets you through some of the tough times. I can't even imagine not having that to fall back on when all you feel like doing is throwing in the towel... erplexed

I'd be interested in hearing some other responses though... I know that there are others who don't feel the same...

 

[Xavier]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

This is a hard one.
Many people nowadays marry for all the wrong reasons. Emotions fade and change over time so making a commitment to someone should not be based on that criteria alone.

Now the qualities that you described above are wonderful attributes that most women want in a man, and are very hard to come by for some of us. Are you allowing yourself to truly get to know these men?
How long does it usually take for you to feel a connection with someone?

I ask because I have fallin head over heels for someone immediately, and I have also met someone in the past that pursued me for a while before the spark finally came. It was when I made up in my mind that I wanted the relationship to develop into something more that the spark later came.

 

[glam-]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

Now the qualities that you described above are wonderful attributes that most women want in a man, and are very hard to come by for some of us. Are you allowing yourself to truly get to know these men?
How long does it usually take for you to feel a connection with someone?

I ask because I have fallin head over heels for someone immediately, and I have also met someone in the past that pursued me for a while before the spark finally came. It was when I made up in my mind that I wanted the relationship to develop into something more that the spark later came.[/quote]

Well, one of them, I've known for several years, he was initially interested but I lived away, I moved here for work reasons, but then he was seeing someone. For the past year or so, we've spoken regularly a few times a week and hung out had a few dates, etc , and all I feel is "friend vibe" on my end. It makes me sad, b/c I don't want to go through the motions or lead anyone on and he is a really good guy. The other one I just recently met and he has done some very thoughtful sweet things and tried to stay in constant touch in the two weeks I've known him, I feel a little more "chemistry" on that end, and I guess if I followed your advice in the bold, more feelings might come. He's the one where there's a 10 yr age difference.

I hear what you're saying, Xavier, and I do know that meeting guys with those qualities is a blessing in this day and age. That actually makes the situation a little harder to talk about IRL. I guess right now, I'm just trying to decide whether to take the leap and date exclusively then seeing if the feelings develop as you mentioned has happened for you.

Edited to add: I've given a previous relationship a try with similar factors except no interest in kids for a 7-8 months and I did develop feelings, but had to extricate myself because I really want a family.

 

[glam-]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

I definitely hear what you're saying, but I would wait for the spark. IMO, if there's no spark there, the marriage just aint gonna last. Marriage is hard enough with someone you DO feel a spark with ~ sometimes thinking back on that spark (cuz the spark WILL die down, trust me on that!! ) is the only thing that gets you through some of the tough times. I can't even imagine not having that to fall back on when all you feel like doing is throwing in the towel... erplexed

I'd be interested in hearing some other responses though... I know that there are others who don't feel the same...

Thanks, Lindy. That makes sense to me, too. I wouldn't rush into a marriage tomorrow or anything, and on some level, I hope that the spark will develop once I decide, "Oh, I'm going to exclusively date him, spend more time, etc"- but it's all very confusing. erplexed

It was really hard for me to start this thread 'cause its so personal for me, but I really thought maybe some outside, unbiased opinions would help. I know marriage can be hard and the thought of it or a relationship without even the memory of the initial spark kinda freaks me out for the very reasons you mentioned.

 

[moore.1506]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

Wow I feel you. I feel like as a woman that is always gonna be on the back of your mind, but the question is what about years down the line, will you be able to still be with someone you feel nothing for just because they are a good person? Of course how many women have been hurt by someone they feel the spark with so IDK. Sorry I have no good concrete answer cause this is something I think about too. But...I think that part of love is the growing to love each other more part so maybe if you give one of them a try something wonderful will blossom.

 

[glam-]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

Sorry I have no good concrete answer cause this is something I think about too. But...I think that part of love is the growing to love each other more part so maybe if you give one of them a try something wonderful will blossom.
__________________
Thank you for your comment, Moore- and glad I'm not the only one who wonders about this. I've seen people fall in love and get hurt terribly, too- I guess in life and love there are no guarantees. (Oh, and I noticed your mood is "sick" - hope you feel better )

 

[moore.1506]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

Thanks I work at a daycare those kids are germy

 

[Farida]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

By "spark" do you mean some kind of chemistry - like sexual (you don't necessarily have to have sex to know it) or basically that which makes your relationship more than just friendship?

I know initial infatuation fades a way and you go through ruts, but you can always rekindle the romantic feelings. If you don't have anything to start with I don't know...

I knew a guy like that in the past. Perfect. The type you want your daughter to marry in all aspects. I tried to develop feelings for him but I just couldn't.

Now that I met my FH I'm glad I didn't.

 

[Kawaii1]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

Don't force yourself. I would jsut continue to date these men and see if something happens. If you feel nothing at all then don't do it. When I first met my DH I really disliked him. His attitude, swagger, etc. but the more I got to know him that changed. It was really because he pursed me a lot and he was so funny. If I had just gone off of inital feelings I wouldn't be married now. So you really have to decide if this man had anything to offer besides financial stability.

Also, I noticed you said nothing about personality. Are they dry,not funny, boring? This is the biggest factor. A man who has a winning personality can become financially dependant(if he wants to) while a boring , lame, dry, etc. man will always be that way. Maybe you should be looking outside of your realm of comfort. As long as he is working towards goals, you never know maybe the hard working mail man with no degree, is working on a novel he will publish in a year.

 

[dlewis]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

I think it depends on where you are in life and what you want at that stage of life.

If you are young you have all the time in the world to wait on love.

My aunt is 51 years old, always wanted children. Married when she was young and divorce several years later. So now she's engaged to me married to a man who has grown children. Yes, she waited on love but what did she miss out on in the process. She dated many good, stable, moral, decent men in her life. But she wanted to hold out for her true love. So she has her true love but will never have children.

Sometimes a good man is enough and the magic might happen later. But for some they will have that magic and passion but may be divorce within 5 years.

I myself believe that passion thing is overrated. The women in my family have that passion but lack in so many other areas of their marriage. It's not as cut and dry as we think.

 

[sunnydaze]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

I tend to agree w/D...it really depends where u r in life. I know for me....good..stable..and moral are high on my attraction list..so assuming there is even a baseline attraction there..I think the "spark" can be cultivated from that.

A man who is taking care of his own business is more attractive to me than his animal magnetism.

 

[FlowerHair]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

I tend to agree w/D...it really depends where u r in life. I know for me....good..stable..and moral are high on my attraction list..so assuming there is even a baseline attraction there..I think the "spark" can be cultivated from that.

A man who is taking care of his own business is more attractive to me than his animal magnetism.

Preach!

 

[glam-]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

By "spark" do you mean some kind of chemistry - like sexual (you don't necessarily have to have sex to know it) or basically that which makes your relationship more than just friendship?
.

Good question. Y'know, I think I really mean that which makes your relationship more than just friendship. I've felt that kind of connection with a man before and then the physical chemistry came later.

In answer to another post, they each have a good sense of humor. Laughter is very important to me, I love to laugh and have fun.

I am thinking that as far as guy A, who I've known for a few years, I need to let that go. We've spent enough time together that if I was going to develop some more than friends interest, it would've happened by now. I need to step back so he can find the right woman for him.

Someone else mentioned financial security- obviously, i want a guy who is financially independent, but it's not out of being a gold digger. A guy's finances are not my motivation in pursuing a relationship; I'm doing fine financially on my own, I really have no complaints- I know I'm blessed and having been single up til now has taught me that I definitely can take care of myself. I don't have anything against blue collar guys, at all; I just don't get approached by them that much.

One thing I do know about myself is that I find drive and ambition very attractive in a man, and maybe some of that drive is what I'm missing- though they're responsible guys. BUT, I have also learned over the years that career drive and intense ambition in a man has its drawbacks, because you can't compete with a man's dreams as far as the time he gives it, etc.

I appreciate your comments and input. It was great hearing from the married (and soon to be married) ladies on this subject. And I do agree that excitement is overrated- it can sometimes just be an indicator of future drama.

One of the things that was mentioned in a training session I attended at work today was that "You should never act, or not act, out of fear." I don't feel I'm operating out of a position of fear at this point in my life, but rather am in a place of quiet reflection. So, all that said, I guess I'm still trying to figure this out, but I have a little more clarity and I feel at peace, regardless. Thanks again, ladies!

 

[glam-]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

I tend to agree w/D...it really depends where u r in life. I know for me....good..stable..and moral are high on my attraction list..so assuming there is even a baseline attraction there..I think the "spark" can be cultivated from that.

A man who is taking care of his own business is more attractive to me than his animal magnetism.

Wow, good point!

 

[glam-]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

I think it depends on where you are in life and what you want at that stage of life.

If you are young you have all the time in the world to wait on love.

My aunt is 51 years old, always wanted children. Married when she was young and divorce several years later. So now she's engaged to me married to a man who has grown children. Yes, she waited on love but what did she miss out on in the process. She dated many good, stable, moral, decent men in her life. But she wanted to hold out for her true love. So she has her true love but will never have children.
.

See, that's why I asked about this- that is exactly the position that I do NOT want to be in down the line.

 

[Ms Red]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

Hey andrea,

You describe 'the spark' as 'that which makes the relationship MORE than just friendship.' If that is the definition, then, I think you definitely need to have 'the spark!' I think settling for anything less would be just that-- settling.

If I were you and I wanted children, wanted someone my own age or +/- 5 years, then I would not date a much older man who did not want kids. I think that sort of sets you up for resentment and failure. Don't settle for marrying someone because on paper they look 'fine' but in reality, you both want strikingly different things in life. I'm not condoning waiting forever, just not rushing into a relationship where there is no love/caring at all just to be married. HTH.

 

[metamorfhosis]

Re: Is a good, stable, moral guy enough- or should you hold out for that plus "magic"

Andrea-

I once had a co-worker who was engaged. I asked her how did she know he was the one. She said that she didn't like him at first but he "grew" on her especially after they had sex.

I met a man and immediately felt that "spark". It felt like fireworks going off. When we got together, I could barely speak to him. I think I was intimidated by him. He made me HOT! It took me years to figure out that I was in lust with him. It took me a LONG time to get him out of my system.

I would love to know what it is to fall in love. I've never been in love. I think I can wait. And I think their will be chemistry when Mr. Right comes. He and I will be a perfect fit. I can wait. And if I end up 50 years old without children, I can always adopt.