In love with losers while looking over Mr Perfect

[PrissiSippi]

I have a wonderful boyfriend who is everything I ever wanted. Educated. Wonderful job. Smart. Goofy. Stable. Loving. Attentive. Etc. problem is I'm just not into him. No matter how great he is and how bad I've done in the past...he feels like I value my exes over him. I feel like I focus on the negatives with him (such as the sex isn't great. He whines at times. He's too sensitive)

On the other hand I have a douchebag ex. Left me out of the blue and you know how they are...they always come running back. Never the less I love him. I contemplating leaving my loving boyfriend on a chance. I feel butterflies with the diuchebag. We can laugh about anything. We can talk about anything. I feel like my current boyfriend is only insurance. He's my way to know I will be well taken care of, not one day be a single parent, and not being cheated on

Why do I constantly love the douchebags and feel no kind of love towards the nice guys. He's everything I ever wanted but that's not enough *sigh*

Advice from those who are older and once young dumb and "in love" like me

 

[Lucie]

The fact that you call your ex the "douchebag" should tell you to pump your brakes. If you cannot FEEL the excitement for your boyfriend, let him go so that he can find someone that reciprocates his feelings. You can then take the time to get to really know yourself and what you seek in a man.

I've been in your shoes. The bad boys are more exciting but everything comes a price tag. Will you be willing to pay for it with your heart and sanity? It's up to you. Good luck.

 

[PrissiSippi]

My demeanor Is killing my relationship. There has been no physical contact in over three weeks. My bf has expressed how he feels but lately I have been apathetic to his feelings. I do try and try to
Change the way I feel. I take him out. We spend alone time together. We cuddle and talk. But at the end of the day my heart is with someone else I know is no good for me. But I think of y dreams. I want to married soon. I want to Grow up and start a family. I know the guy I'm with will Give me everything I deserve and more. I know that I am the girl that brings excitement into his life. I make him laugh. I am nurturing while down to
Earth and very ambitious while we push each other to succeed. But still no sparks on my side

 

[sherrimberri]

It seems like neither guy is right for you. If u are going to stick with your current bf you need to move on from your ex. If not let him go. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

[MzLady78]

I agree you should let go of the bf. It sounds like his concern about you valuing exes over him is valid.

Speaking from experience, if the ex bounced on you once, he'll probably do it again. Do you really want to waste time with someone who's gonna be running in and out of your life?

 

[gabulldawg]

Lawd.. Where's Zaynab????

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

I've heard of this before and it sounds very self-destructive. I know people hate folks throwing scripture around on off topic, but God's Word says Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. That means you cannot rely on your "emotions" and your "feelings" to determine what is best for you. Sometimes you have to deny your feelings and use the intellect God gave you to make sound decisions.

If you lose this gentleman to chase after a person you have already labeled as a douche-bag, that doesn't speak very highly of your critical thinking skills. You already know where this will lead you yet you are contemplating partaking in this foolery anyway.

 

[cyrealla]

^^
well said

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

From AskMen.com

Reader's Question:

Hey David,

A really quick question: I met this girl and I wussed the whole thing up. In just two short months, she's back with her old "bad boy" boyfriend, who she said paid her no attention. I smothered her with attention and was nice. So why can't I get her back?

JT
david d. responds

Oh, JT, you're telling the story of my life. More specifically, the story of the "old" me, before I learned everything that I know, and now teach to other guys.

You see, for most of my life, I was the nicest of the nice guys. But after continuing along the same path -- and getting the same lousy results with women -- I realized something that literally changed everything for me. I realized that it's really the "bad boys" who do, in fact, attract the hot women.

Why?

It's basically because selfish, "jerk" behavior, as unhealthy as this might sound, often triggers the precise emotions in a woman necessary to make her feel irresistible attraction. Sarcasm, unpredictability, ball busting, playing hard to get, and all kinds of other "illogical" things, they succeed every time where "being nice" fails.

So, back to the "old" me.

I had a dilemma: I loved the idea of being successful with women, but I hated the idea of mistreating people, being mean to them, lying and misleading, and so on.

I mean, deep down, I want to be a good guy. So I decided that there must be a way to make this work -- to attract women like a "bad boy" without being an abusive, lying jerk. And, after spending years learning from the naturals -- men whose success with women seems absolutely effortless -- the good news hit me.

There is a way to make this work, but it would require that I set aside my current ideas just long enough to entertain some new ones. When I learned to do this (as you must), I discovered I really could have the best of both worlds: I could be nice to women on my own terms, and also give them what they really want and what really attracts them.

You with me?

My realization was that women don't choose who they feel attracted to. It's something that just happens -- an emotional response to certain things men say and do.

In other words, women don't choose to feel the emotion called "attraction" for jerks any more than you choose to feel the emotion called attraction for beautiful women. Sure, some women do feel attraction for extremely handsome men, but it's been proven that they feel a much stronger attraction to specific personality traits and behaviors than they do for physical looks.

So what is it about the "bad boy" that creates this powerful, uncontrollable attraction in women?

Let me answer first by telling you what it’s not.

It's not that women are attracted to the abusive, mean, negative part of the "bad boy” personality. I think that these jerks just happen to also possess several associated, attractive qualities that are so powerful they literally make women blind to the abuse. Women rationalize away and excuse the abusive behavior because they want these other qualities so badly: unpredictability, uncontrollability, challenging dominance.

When presented correctly, they trigger the natural attraction mechanism inside of women. And "bad boys" have taken these natural qualities that are so attractive to women and made an art out of them.

But what does this mean to you, JT?

David D. explains how nice guys can pull off that bad boy charm next I often recommend coming at this like a substance abuse problem."
Well, the most important thing is that it means you can still be a good guy and attract women at the same time. First, you'll have to learn how to flirt in a different way and become a little more comfortable being challenging to women. But in the end, you'll find that this will get you what you want and still allow you to treat women on your own terms.

Oh, and it also means that, instead of being the guy who women talk to about their relationship problems with their bad boy boyfriend, you can become the guy they're dating and sleeping with.

Awesome.

Read more: http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_500/500_why-girls-like-bad-boys-more.html#ixzz2A8hxdAxA

This was interesting to me. It's almost like we are training guys to be this way through our actions of always selecting choosing a loser over the good guy.

 

[Zaynab]

Lawd.. Where's Zaynab????

I'm here

OP at least you're admitting what alot of women won't. I give you props for that. Bad boys are fun. You know why? That's all they got. Lint and dkick in their pockets A guy friend of mine told me something that I didn't really believe that professional women these days only want thugs. I of course thought he was joking but you're the third person as of late that I've heard say this.

But lint/dyick guys--they have to be fun because they can't and be anything else. That's just like sorry women who prey off of men only with their looks, etc, What else do they have besides looks and sex? They MUST be fun. The fun stuff isn't going to last always. It goes away once real life kicks in.

I do think you are doing your BF a disservice and yourself as well. Do you feel like you deserve this wonderful guy? Do you have some insecurity/self esteem issues? I find that women that like these kind of men do so because they really feel that's all they desire or is it just that he's fun? And you only think of him as insurance? I'm married but I had a few guys when I was single that were the link and dcik guys but they were confined to that box, meaning they stayed in their lane and that's all they were there for FUN. It never went beyond fun because that's not the life that I wanted.

If you're serious about a future stable commited relationship/marriage, then you need to evaluate your priorities. I'm sure some single ladies around here souls are burning.

let me caution you though that I see women chasing these guys in their 20s and then searching and "re-connecting" with the good ones they let go in their 30's. Those guys that seem lame and no fun when you're 20 are also the ones that have a 401K, a mortage and taking kids to baseball practice at 40. I can't tell you all the women that come telling DH how they missed out 20 years ago when he was 'lame' and 'no fun'. I didn't think my DH was all that 'fun' when I met him, sans sex but I showed him my interests and he showed me his. I didn't find alot of things he's into 'fun' back then but now I love them!! You can teach other what you like and how to be fun

But Everyone is fun when you've got options, but remember that in 15 years. As long as you think you've got 'safe' boyfriend in the background, you feel comfy and safe.

 

[Zaynab]

Wait. And bubble gum. That's all 'fun' guys have. Lint, dyck and bubblegum in their pockets

 

[PrissiSippi]

I talked to my mom about it and she told me it sounds like some self esteem problem which is bad because I have high confidence so I'm
Unable to see the problem
She loves my new boyfriend. He is kind. He is patient with me as well as Loui. He is dorky like me and we get along great.

A part of me says I'm scared. He wants to take things the next step and move in together/ get engaged. He's 28. I'm 24. And this is the longest relationship I've been in years. I'm rambling...but somehow I'm really looking for answers to how to improve myself relationship wisr

 

[Fine 4s]

I typed up this long message and lost it!

I would like to hear more about the ex. What made him a douche? He left you out of nowhere...tell me more.

Bottom line, you're not into your SO and it doesn't matter who comes sniffing around or not.

 

[firecracker]

Good advice was given. I never understood loving bad guys or someone that is bad for you so I have no advice that wasn't already given.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Love the post about why women are attracted to the bad boys. But what I think it really comes down to is that we respond to high levels of testosterone which bad boys usually have. I don't think you want your ex-douche back. You want the chemical reaction you get from him. That stuff is intoxicating! You need to ignore your hormones and pay attention to what is best for all of you, not just your loins.

 

[MzLady78]

Wait. And bubble gum. That's all 'fun' guys have. Lint, dyck and bubblegum in their pockets

A mess....

 

[PeaceFlow]

I talked to my mom about it and she told me it sounds like some self esteem problem which is bad because I have high confidence so I'm
Unable to see the problem
She loves my new boyfriend. He is kind. He is patient with me as well as Loui. He is dorky like me and we get along great.

A part of me says I'm scared. He wants to take things the next step and move in together/ get engaged. He's 28. I'm 24. And this is the longest relationship I've been in years. I'm rambling...but somehow I'm really looking for answers to how to improve myself relationship wisr

Either this is not the right good guy for you, or maybe you have commitment phobia? Bad boys don't offer true, serious commitment very often so maybe it's a way to avoid that?

I don't date douchebags, but I've had commitment phobia all my life which means I tend to have one foot in, one foot out of relationships. Thinking whether the grass is greener kind of thing. I even had it with this SO, but went to counselling briefly and I'm over it. This is the first time I'm not looking around for something else, or distracted by silly ideals (like dress sense ect..) and it feels so good.

 

[Zaynab]

A mess....

Tell me I'm wrong

 

[FoxxyLocs]

OP, How long have you been with your SO?

 

[butter_pecan]

I contemplating leaving my loving boyfriend on a chance.

Don't do it! I did, and it didn't pan out well at all.

 

[MzLady78]

Tell me I'm wrong

Oh, you're absolutely right. But still a mess!

 

[Rhondie]

In total agreement with Zaynab! You're 24 and your tastes will mature with time. As you get older, the cool guy in the club isn't quite as appealing as the man with wedding band and the baby seat in his car. The fact that you're recognizing and asking these types of questions now is a good sign.
There are women who don't realize this pattern until its way too late in life or never at all. I had my awakening in my late 20's after years of chasing the wrong types and ignoring the good guys. I'm 32 now, married to one of the good guys and a full convert. Some of my girlfriends are still struggling and I've had to exercise keeping my mouth shut (which is really hard and rarely am I succesful) but everyone has to come along in their own time.
To quote Carrie Bradshaw from SATC "Your 20's are for making the mistakes, your 30's are for learning from then and your 40's are for buying the drinks". You'll be a-okay. Just continue to be aware of yourself and try not to abuse the good guys. If you're not into your bf then let him go, it's not fair to him and karma is a bald headed bytch.
I also agree wholeheartedly that those women who stay out in the game for way too long are the same ones that come back sniffing around the good guys years later talm 'bout "i should have given you the chance back when..." or "Aww I saw you with your daughter and your wife the other day and for some reason you looked irrestibly more handsome than ever"... Wonder why?

 

[Lurkee]

OP, something I recently realised (past few months) is that you create your own happiness in life. If you choose to focus on the negatives, then you will never be truly happy. There is usually a way around the negatives you have mentioned in your relationship.

If the sex is not that great, there are lots of ways around it. The journey to better sex can even help bring you closer.

If you think he is too sensitive/whiny, you can ask for space at times.

At the end of the day, no one is perfect but you have to want to work on it. If you are not ready for a solid commitment, let him know. Be open with him about your feelings. He does not sound the type to get angry for you telling him your fears. Like Zaynab said, think about the future. Think about who you want to be the father of your kids, who will be there when you cannot fit into the dresses you wear now (I know this does not have to be the case), who will be there when life gets tough, who will be there when your kids have left the house. OK, I am preaching but it is worth thinking about. Do you really see your douchebag ex being the one for you through all of this?

You can always create more happiness for yourself in this relationship but you have to want to.

 

[Lurkee]

I also want to add that I used to feel doubts about my relationship too and I have been reassured that it is normal. Even the best of relationships, I think it is hard to think 100% ALL THE TIME that it is perfect. That feeling of love might go down once in awhile but if you are in a great relationship, you do not wallow in it or let it die. Like my boyfriend will say, "You work at it".

It sounds stupid but I thought I needed to feel love 100% all the time and if I had moments when I felt blah, I thought it meant something was wrong with us. I have learnt that is not the case at all. It is completely normal to feel these things even in a normal, healthy relationship.

 

[PrissiSippi]

OP, How long have you been with your SO?

8 months on the first f November

 

[FoxxyLocs]

8 months on the first f November

I really think if you leave your SO you will regret it, especially if you leave him for a no good ex. You really just need to decide what's important to you. If you don't want to get married and have kids in the future, that's ok. But if you do, you need to be evaluating potential partners based on whether or not they will make good fathers/husbands and not based on superficial stuff.

I can't tell you to marry someone you have no chemistry with because that's not what I did. Chemistry and sex are important. They help keep things together when you start getting on each others nerves, but those other qualities are far more important. I promise you when your douchebag ex is cheating on you, not paying the bills, or whatever his issue is, good sex is not going to keep you happy.

If I were you I would work with SO on the sex issue and appreciate his other good qualities. If he has a tiny tool, is butt ugly, or is not willing to learn what you like - those would probably be my dealbreakers. Other than that I think you are just focusing on the wrong things right now.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Call a spade a spade - if its the sex with the boyfriend that has you turned off then let him go and but don't use that as an excuse to return to someone you already know is no good for you. If you've only been together 8 months and you're feeling blah then set him free to be with someone else.

One thing to understand is good guy doesn't have to equal boring. Its those too good to be true good guys that explode when they turn 35 and decide to have mid life crisises and catch up on all the things they missed out on. You need to figure out what you want now and in a future partner - whomever doesn't meet your criteria send them on their way and keep it moving. Flutters don't mean squat when attached to a time waster. Learn the difference and love yourself enough to be the partner that you seek and trust that you'll find each other otherwise you'll keep wasting/marking time with someone that (by your own words) will never value you.

 

[AstroQueen77]

I talked to my mom about it and she told me it sounds like some self esteem problem which is bad because I have high confidence so I'm
Unable to see the problem
She loves my new boyfriend. He is kind. He is patient with me as well as Loui. He is dorky like me and we get along great.

A part of me says I'm scared. He wants to take things the next step and move in together/ get engaged. He's 28. I'm 24. And this is the longest relationship I've been in years. I'm rambling...but somehow I'm really looking for answers to how to improve myself relationship wisr

I wish people would stop throwing around the "you have self esteem problems" when a woman has some type of problem in a relationship.

It seems like both of them have qualities that you are attracted to, but it seems that neither of them are right for you for different reasons. Enjoy the "good guy on paper" for a while before straight ditching him. THings may grow to change.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Maybe you're not ready to settle down yet?

Your bf may be good for you, but not right now. I say this because you want to experiment with your ex even though you know that it won't be serious. But you also enjoy time with your current beau. When I was 23-24 I was still dealing with knuckleheads. When my serious bf came along I was still curious about them! I'm 29 now and those bad boy types don't appeal to me whatsoever . It's sort of a phase, nothing to feel bad about imo.

I don't mean to go on a tangent, but it's not just the ex that is an issue. There's still a lack of interest in your bf. If you don't end up hooking up with the ex while you're committed, some other guy down the line may pique your interest anyway.

I know because I've been there

 

[chronicity]

Were you feeling blah towards yours bf before your ex started trying to holler? Or have you always been lukewarm towards him?

I don't think you should stay with him just because he's a "good guy". Irrespective of the douchebag, staying out of a sense of obligation or fear sounds like a recipe for regret 10 years from now. It just doesn't work for most people. Just because the guy is nice doesn't mean he is entitled to a relationship with you. Both of y'all deserve to be with mates that you like, and it doesn't sound like you actually like him.

Earlier this year I dated a guy that is terrific on paper. A lawyer, homeowner, no kids, extremely serious about settling down. Problem was, we just weren't compatible. We'd constantly misunderstand each other because he'd read extraness into everything I'd say and get bent out of shape about it. He'd bore me to death because he wasn't a good conversationalist. He was moody, and I am the opposite of moody. Sex was okay, but I had no zeal for him because we had no chemistry.

Do I feel bad for breaking up with him? No, because Lord knows I gave it my best. We just weren't good together, and even if I die an old maid, I will not regret breaking up with him.

Appraise your relationship independently from your ex. I actually think that by comparing and contrasting the two men, you're making things unnecessarily difficult. Maybe you have an unhealthy thing for bad boys, but its not like staying with your bf is going to cure you of this problem. You probably need to spend some time alone and figure out what you need the most. If you end up missing your bf, there's no rule that says you can't get back with him.