If You Don't Like Their Kid...

[PeaceLover]

I don't want to cause offense in any way, but I would have a problem with someone's girlfriend parenting my kid. I would also have a problem with a step-parent handling most of the parenting duties for my kid. That's just me tho.

It's not like this is the first time she has been here. She came several times. Her and mom know that's it's our place so they knew that I'll be there....He handled duties too, we did it together because that's how a blended family works. Am I not supposed to say anything or parent at all? How does that work realistically?

 

[PeaceLover]

I'm sorry, why was an 8 year old up until 5am trying to watch tv etc? Children need to sleep at night. Disturbed sleep may be a reason for her weight gain. No tv in the bedroom, no phones either at night. 8 year olds need at least 9-10 hours of sleep every night.

How long have you known his children? This situation sounds like a lot of work...two ex wives? You're a strong woman because I couldn't do it. I wish you the best of luck.

We've been together for a year and a half. I've known them since we started dating. It's not new. He's never been married before.

And again we didn't know she was up that late until she woke us up.

 

[PJaye]

It's not like this is the first time she has been here. She came several times. Her and mom know that's it's our place so they knew that I'll be there....He handled duties too, we did it together because that's how a blended family works. Am I not supposed to say anything or parent at all? How does that work realistically?

These are just my personal feelings, and I would definitely have a problem with it. Actually, in the spirit of honesty, I would not have let my kid stay there without a marriage license, background check and an extended personal visit.

 

[PeaceLover]

ugh. im so glad I do not date men with children. all'lat just made my ass itch.

*sighs* it's definitely a hassle, but I have a kid so I don't exclude men with kids. I wouldn't advise anyone without kids to date someone with kids at all. That'll definitely be a challenge.

 

[PeaceLover]

These are just my personal feelings, and I would definitely have a problem with it. Actually, in the spirit of honesty, I would not have let my kid stay there without a marriage license, background check and an extended personal visit.

I understand that. Personally, I prefer to meet the kids & all that other stuff before marriage. I don't want to wait until I get married and realize that I'm stuck in a situation I dislike...everyone is different. I'm just hoping it gets better.

And if she's that uncomfortable why continue to send her? Idk.

 

[PJaye]

I don't know, all I do know is that I couldn't do it. I would move 18 hours away just to avoid it all. I wish you the best tho.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Well your update changes my response. I'm with PJaye that my kid wouldn't be laid up with father and gf I've never met.

You all are already cohabitating so some sort of conversation should be happening between you and the kids mother. You don't have to be best friends but a simple conversation was all that was needed. At 4am no phone call needed to be made. Mom may be in her feelings if they never married but your SO needs to learn difference between sharing situation adult to adult and reporting. The child is 8. Who knows what foolishness her mother is filling her head with. Yes let him take lead but encourage him to nip this in bud.

Your house your rules. It's good that SO had your back. If he didn't I'd be telling you to run.

 

[GodivaChocolate]

Hard situation and its only going to get worse with the manipulation. Your SO needs to talk more with his daughter about what behavior is acceptable in your household and communicate with the ex also about what will and will not be tolerated. The phone times would be scheduled to help minimize the mothers evil antics and if she wanted to talk more often then she would need to call the dad. Are you sure you want to go down this road? If yes, be ready for many challenging situations and make sure you and your SO are very clear with supporting each others decisions.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

I want to be sensitive to parents and all but really, nobody likes your kids but you. Outside of family (and even then), most people really only tolerate your children because of their feelings towards you. It really depends on the disposition of the child as to whether that toleration evolves into liking, loving or loathing. "You" are the glue that holds the bond together.

This is not just about romantic relationships either. Your best friend from jr high feels the same way.

this is so real...I have cut off friends because I don't like their kids. Im sorry but I just dont have time to waste with people I dont like, big or small.

 

[LiftedUp]

I think part of the problem is that there is no mutual ground among you three. A conversation needed to happen prior to all of this. A child needs stability and children react to instability differently i.e. change in environment, food, customs etc. Additionally, why allow them to stay up until whenever if you know that there will be an outing the next day at noon. Was there a teen watching over them? If not, there should've been a cut off. It is not unreasonable for a child to go to sleep at 5am, be afraid being up alone at night, and being cranky the next day before noon. Also your boyfriend needs to listen to the mother of his child instead of just shutting her down and getting upset. In fact, it sounds like a relationship red flag to me.

This whole situation sounds confusing and overwhelming. But the adults need to be adults in this situation and talk first. And yes the intricacies of your relationship is "private" however, I don't know how a mother is to perceive a live-in bf and gf situation. I agree that I wouldn't want my child around that type of situation, who knows the permanency of it all. But then you would want your child to have a relationship with his/her father. Again, it sounds confusing and overwhelming.

All the best to you and yours.

 

[prettyinpurple]

I agree with the others who said that she's only 8 and you need to give it more time.

Think about it from her viewpoint: She lives far away and has to adjust to your household and routines when she comes to visit. She probably feels like an outsider. Does she have a room or any space of her own at your house? Start there, make a space for her. Ask her what she wants and you too could work on it together. Ask her how she feels during her visits (prob want Dad present for that). Develop some routines that include her and that she can count on happening when she visits. I say she and Dad should have their own special routines too.

You didn't complain about the son - but give him a space too if he doesn't have one.

Dad and mom need to set some rules about how much she can call mom while visiting. Let him handle that, don't get involved.

If she repeats stuff her mothers says, let it wash over you. You know kids repeat everything they hear and she is around her mom most of the time. Just take a deep breath and go do something else, leave the room when you hear it. Let him handle it.

ETA: You've gotten pretty far in this relationship and you don't like the kid? You gotta get things straight before you marry him.

 

[prettyinpurple]

I understand that. Personally, I prefer to meet the kids & all that other stuff before marriage. I don't want to wait until I get married and realize that I'm stuck in a situation I dislike...everyone is different. I'm just hoping it gets better.

And if she's that uncomfortable why continue to send her? Idk.

I don't think she was saying 'don't meet the kids before marriage' but rather that there would be no sleepovers and such with dad and gf. She'd want to check out the living space if her child would be staying there for extended periods. I'm sure there's a polite way to do it w/o barging in another woman's home.

All too complicated for me, cannot deal....

 

[JustSitNBePretty]

Ugh! I get how you feel. I'm dating a guy currently and he has a 12-year old biracial spoiled brat. I absolutely can't stand that little girl. She thinks she's the world because she's mixed and he does too. He brought her a $600 hoverboard for Christmas even tho he has other financial obligations. He keeps sending me pics of her with her long chin and I rarely respond. I told him we could never be together because I would never date a guy whose been married to a white woman and has a mixed kid but he's still around. Dummy.

If you don't like the kid, it's not gonna work. Unless you have a change of heart.

 

[FelaShrine]

^why are you dating him despite the fact that he married a white woman then?

 

[JustSitNBePretty]

^why are you dating him despite the fact that he married a white woman then?

Free stuff.

 

[hopeful]

OP I would lighten up since it sounds like mom has primary care. I'd let her have her little snacks. I'd focus on her feeling comfortable and loved vs. following the rules. Eight is a very tender age and she's forced to deal with a lot, no daddy on a steady basis in the home, a frustrated mommy, his more strict gf etc. Cut her some slack. She doesn't sound that bad to me.

 

[MizAvalon]

I want to be sensitive to parents and all but really, nobody likes your kids but you. Outside of family (and even then), most people really only tolerate your children because of their feelings towards you. It really depends on the disposition of the child as to whether that toleration evolves into liking, loving or loathing. "You" are the glue that holds the bond together.

This is not just about romantic relationships either. Your best friend from jr high feels the same way.

THANK YOU.