I love my SO BUT I DO NOT like his daughter.

[DragonPearl]

My stepson is 11 right now, going on 16. He just discovered he is growing a mustache so he thinks he is grown now.

Anyhoo, when he is being a bad boy, DH agree with me that his behavior is not tolerable. And when we need support, we call his mom who piles up on him too. Don't get me wrong, we let him be a kid, but we also impose limits.

If his parents condoned his antics, I don't think I could handle it.

 

[ultrasuede]

Sometimes in situations involving children we have to take the high road and be the mature one. An eleven year old is in essence still a child. Your So is the one who should let his daughter know that you must be shown respect. If it were me I would find other activities while his daughter was visiting so that most of the interacting and entertaining would fall on his shoulders,until this situation is resolved. Especially since you and this child seem to have extremely hostile feelings toward one another. And if that didn't work and the situation didn't improve I'd have to walk away because blood is thicker than water.

 

[Divine_Order]

That's something that your SO needs to handle...and fast. It sounds like her mother may have played a huge role in how her daughter treats you. She probably has that "you aint my momma" syndrome. Your SO and the girls mother need to handle that. If they don't/can't that will only make matters worse for you.

 

[DragonPearl]

I hate to say it, but this is the TRUTH. As an 11-year old, that was definitely my goal when my mom married that man of hers. My brother and I made it our teenage mission to make his life impossible so that we could have our mother back. He tried to discipline us and we taunted him. We pushed every button we could, and we brought up his past and other grown stuff that we had no business talking about to his face. My brother pushed him to the point one day where he actually lost his cool and ended up punching my 14 year old brother in the face-- like a man. Gave him a black eye. Needless to say, no one cared how bratty we were to him-- all they saw was a grown man losing his cool and letting kids get to him. My mom is still married to him til this day-- but the family lost respect for her for remaining with someone who reacted that way toward her kids.

We were wrong, but have since grown up and learned to actually like him over the years (never thought that'd happen, but hey!) Unfortunately, he never really recovered from that loss of composure in the rest of our family's eyes.

Thank you for your honesty.

That kind of situation where the children attempt to break the stepparent happens more often than people are willing to admit.

I remember Star Jones saying that she and her brother did the same thing to her mother's new man and they ended up breaking their relationship. She said she felt sorry later when she became an adult, because in hindsight, she now realizes he was not a bad person.

 

[Sistaslick]

Thank you for your honesty.

That kind of situation where the children attempt to break the stepparent happens more often than people are willing to admit.

I remember Star Jones saying that she and her brother did the same thing to her mother's new man and they ended up breaking their relationship. She said she felt sorry later when she became an adult, because in hindsight, she now realizes he was not a bad person.

Girl, we were straight evil to this man. But, I have to give him credit. He was there trying to pick up where some other guy (my bio dad) dropped the ball, and that's not easy to do. His approach was just not very good. He was controlling and mean- and we fought him. Who makes Highschool seniors be in bed, lights out by 9pm? Our friends used to joke and bring food to school for us because he "rationed" our dinners at home. He even bought a cellphone signal killer that knocks out coverage within 50ft of the home-- and he bought this not for us, but for my mother b/c she would run up her phone bill each month. She would be talkin' then at 6pm when he got off from work-- NO SIGNAL. Had the neighbors complaining. He was CONTROLLING. To this day, he and my brother still go at it. But back then we did whatever we could to get a reaction out of him (questioned his sexuality, his relationship with God, whatever we could). And then we'd Go- SEE! MOM! WE TOLD YOU HE IS CRAZY! I ran away several times- threatening my mother to choose who she wanted- it was rough.

Knowing the trouble I caused, I dont think I could've done a man with kids that age.

 

[Sistaslick]

My stepson is 11 right now, going on 16. He just discovered he is growing a mustache so he thinks he is grown now.

Anyhoo, when he is being a bad boy, DH agree with me that his behavior is not tolerable. And when we need support, we call his mom who piles up on him too. Don't get me wrong, we let him be a kid, but we also impose limits.
If his parents condoned his antics, I don't think I could handle it.

See, this is important. You all have coordination and strong communication among yourselves. This is a must or kids will manipulate the relationships where they sense a weakness.

 

[gmw]

I feel what you are saying Dsylla (I am a mom) but some teen age girls these days are an absolute mess grown aint in the word for it. These lil chicks will try to curse you out if you don't stand your ground.

HELLO!!! THESE TEENAGERS ARE MORE THAN A NOTION!

 

[cmperez]

I agree that her dad needs to step up. I'm dating a man with two kids and I have two girls-- my youngest who is 8 has a smart mouth and thinks she's grown. I swear I never, ever could understand how people could abuse kids until she started rolling her head and puttin her hand on her imaginiation. She gets spankings, she's been grounded, gotten things taken away, you name it, I've done it. Sometimes I feel like snatching her bald and she's my own daughter! Prayer. That is all that is saving her is prayer. LOL!

 

[gmw]

I agree that her dad needs to step up. I'm dating a man with two kids and I have two girls-- my youngest who is 8 has a smart mouth and thinks she's grown. I swear I never, ever could understand how people could abuse kids until she started rolling her head and puttin her hand on her imaginiation. She gets spankings, she's been grounded, gotten things taken away, you name it, I've done it. Sometimes I feel like snatching her bald and she's my own daughter! Prayer. That is all that is saving her is prayer. LOL!

Being a parent is more than a notion and my daughter turns 14 tomorrow, and trust me, all I can is sometimes we must pause for the cause and take it to another level with them...

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Poor OP! This sounds like a really rough situation all around.

Time to face facts America: "blended families" SUCK. I know, I've been there. Frankly, if DH decided to trip and leave us, he could NEVER be with anyone else, if he wanted to see his kids again. I've been a stepchild, and it's no fun dealing with someone who clearly would dance with joy if you got hit by a Mack truck. I couldn't put my kids through it.

Not that it's easy on the step-parent either. Dealing with someone else's kid can take you there. That's why I wouldn't even consider dating someone who had kids.

I would bounce if I were you. Too much drama.

 

[LookingandListening]

Thank you for your honesty.

That kind of situation where the children attempt to break the stepparent happens more often than people are willing to admit.

I remember Star Jones saying that she and her brother did the same thing to her mother's new man and they ended up breaking their relationship. She said she felt sorry later when she became an adult, because in hindsight, she now realizes he was not a bad person.

Yeah. I was a little jerkish and offensive sometimes as a child. It was my mama ya'know... couldn't let no one come in and steal my shine. But yeah in hindsight I was just an a$$hole.

 

[chocolatemom_of_3]

At eleven years old, my little sister ran away from home for a year. These kids now are bad as hell.

Leave sweetheart. If her family is reinforcing the bad behavior, it will drive you crazy. Before I met my husband I dated a man with FOUR kids. But you know what, they were GREAT kids and really well-behaved. They respected me and my role. But they were all under the age of 10 so whose knows what the pre-teen/teen years would have been like.

 

[kandyland]

Everyone is saying flee, get out of dodge, hit the deck from an 11 year old!! a child!! Maybe she's acting that way because that's exactly what she wants you to do...leave. Now what? she's won. You have to ask yourself a question:

Are you serious about this man, marriage material etc? If so then the first thing you need to do is talk to him. Men are real disciplinarians with their sons but sometimes with girls they become soft. Especially when he's not with her mom, he may feel like he needs to be the "Good guy", let her have her way. So you as a woman need to open his eyes.

You also need to discipline her. Don't do it in a angry/mad/frustrating tone. If she's acting out of line, let her know. She can act the fool with everyone else but don't let her act the fool with you. Now if her Dad gets upset because you said something now you decide if you're going to leave because you two need to be on the same side.

 

[SouthernJewel]

Everyone is saying flee, get out of dodge, hit the deck from an 11 year old!! a child!! Maybe she's acting that way because that's exactly what she wants you to do...leave. Now what? she's won. You have to ask yourself a question:

Are you serious about this man, marriage material etc? If so then the first thing you need to do is talk to him. Men are real disciplinarians with their sons but sometimes with girls they become soft. Especially when he's not with her mom, he may feel like he needs to be the "Good guy", let her have her way. So you as a woman need to open his eyes.

You also need to discipline her. Don't do it in a angry/mad/frustrating tone. If she's acting out of line, let her know. She can act the fool with everyone else but don't let her act the fool with you. Now if her Dad gets upset because you said something now you decide if you're going to leave because you two need to be on the same side.

100% agree!

 

[loved]

She could feel that by being stank with you she's being loyal to mom, especially if your SO had a relationship with her mom or the mom desired a relationship with your SO. Maybe counseling would help. That's an ugly time for young girls & it will get worse for a few years. Perhaps, counseling is in order.

I was that stank young girl at 1 point in my life making things very difficult for my parent who was attempting to date & while it's a lot to go through, it is just a phase.

 

[FlowerHair]

Well, I can tell how much you don't like her...and she probably can too.

If it's that deep for you, you need to leave. 'Cause she's his daughter, and you already know she's not going anywhere.

ITA. You're the grown up, she is the child. She didn't ask for her parents to divorce and for her father to be with you...

Her father is her First Love and you came and took him away, that hurts a lot and may be the reason why she's treating you badly.

If you cannot love her and like her, it's better for you and her that you are out of her father's life.

She is not going to become easier to handle in time

 

[Ms_Delikate]

How you gone get so mad that you wanna fight an 11 year old? erplexed she's a child!

you should leave.

YOu would be surprised....

 

[mrsmeredith]

Everyone is saying flee, get out of dodge, hit the deck from an 11 year old!! a child!! Maybe she's acting that way because that's exactly what she wants you to do...leave. Now what? she's won. You have to ask yourself a question:

Are you serious about this man, marriage material etc? If so then the first thing you need to do is talk to him. Men are real disciplinarians with their sons but sometimes with girls they become soft. Especially when he's not with her mom, he may feel like he needs to be the "Good guy", let her have her way. So you as a woman need to open his eyes.

You also need to discipline her. Don't do it in a angry/mad/frustrating tone. If she's acting out of line, let her know. She can act the fool with everyone else but don't let her act the fool with you. Now if her Dad gets upset because you said something now you decide if you're going to leave because you two need to be on the same side.

I don't agree with this statement. First, You are not his wife and second you have no motherly love for the child. Thats his child and his responsibility. I promise I understand, I had a step mom when I was younger and I am a step mom now and they live with us so trust I know what you are going through.

 

[Ms. Vea]

Thank all of u for your honesty and sound advice. some of it was hard to shallow but hey the truth hurts. I want to try and answer your questions but if I leave anything out charge it to my head n not my heart. Me and boyfriend don't live together anymore but when we did we weren't having these problems. daughter lives with mom and me n mom used to have an understanding where she wanted me to step in and help out with the daughter. this is the longest relationship he has been in so the mother teases him the daughter and even me about whens the wedding etc. so it could be a strong possibility tht she's acting out due to mom. lst summer me and her got along great until spring break she left to visit mom n then came back talking about she didn't like me. grandparents are wrapped around her finger but the granny will get in her grip when she feels fit. dad wants her to love being with him so he let's a lot fly. mom will never let her move here though because with the kid she has access to dad and she feels she has the upper hand. one lady mentioned she did like the way I described her sis I just call them like I see them. I have two children so I don't talk crazy to her I don't put my hands on her and I don't tell her what to do becuz I don't want anyone mistreating mine. I have a 8 yr old son and a 3 yr old girl and I make my kids show all adults and even their peers RESPECT. I told her u can talk crazy to everybody else but not me cuz I deserve and demand respect. just remembered she is 12 so she is probably getting ready to start her cycle and I know its hard becoming a young lady but we all gotta do it. So ladies I'm going to sit and have a talk with him and then I'm going to bring her in the convo and from there I will knw whether or not I should stay. don't get me wrong ladies he is a very good man to me and my kids and he is in church no criminal backgroung not on the dl works and is going bck to sch now if he was no good I would of bounced soon as she flipped out. once again sorry if I missed anything n thks

 

[Lenee925]

I am glad you are honest but as for the others who are comdemning you for how you spoke of the kid, I'd like to see how cool they act when they really enocunter a kid who has nothing else in mind but to drive you full-out bat-s__t crazy. No one is advocating abuse here and you aren't getting any judgement from me because I've worked with kids for a number of years and have seen many dynamics of manipulative personalities manifesting in children.

Thank all of u for your honesty and sound advice. some of it was hard to shallow but hey the truth hurts. I want to try and answer your questions but if I leave anything out charge it to my head n not my heart. Me and boyfriend don't live together anymore but when we did we weren't having these problems. daughter lives with mom and me n mom used to have an understanding where she wanted me to step in and help out with the daughter. this is the longest relationship he has been in so the mother teases him the daughter and even me about whens the wedding etc. so it could be a strong possibility tht she's acting out due to mom. lst summer me and her got along great until spring break she left to visit mom n then came back talking about she didn't like me. grandparents are wrapped around her finger but the granny will get in her grip when she feels fit. dad wants her to love being with him so he let's a lot fly. mom will never let her move here though because with the kid she has access to dad and she feels she has the upper hand. one lady mentioned she did like the way I described her sis I just call them like I see them. I have two children so I don't talk crazy to her I don't put my hands on her and I don't tell her what to do becuz I don't want anyone mistreating mine. I have a 8 yr old son and a 3 yr old girl and I make my kids show all adults and even their peers RESPECT. I told her u can talk crazy to everybody else but not me cuz I deserve and demand respect. just remembered she is 12 so she is probably getting ready to start her cycle and I know its hard becoming a young lady but we all gotta do it. So ladies I'm going to sit and have a talk with him and then I'm going to bring her in the convo and from there I will knw whether or not I should stay. don't get me wrong ladies he is a very good man to me and my kids and he is in church no criminal backgroung not on the dl works and is going bck to sch now if he was no good I would of bounced soon as she flipped out. once again sorry if I missed anything n thks

 

[pisceschica]

How you gone get so mad that you wanna fight an 11 year old? erplexed she's a child!

you should leave.

I take it you don't encounter too many of today's youths.. . erplexed

Kids these days. .I can think of some spoiled, rude, bratty 5 year olds that I wish I could slap. They're children but alot of them speak and have attittudes as if they are adults.

In response to the thread I would leave and cite that as a reason hey you have to be honest. If you can't stand her don't stay because she is half of him and will always be his daughter.

 

[mrsmeredith]

I am glad you are honest but as for the others who are comdemning you for how you spoke of the kid, I'd like to see how cool they act when they really enocunter a kid who has nothing else in mind but to drive you full-out bat-s__t crazy. No one is advocating abuse here and you aren't getting any judgement from me because I've worked with kids for a number of years and have seen many dynamics of manipulative personalities manifesting in children.

Thats why I said I understood but still. I have a step son that drives me bonkers but its just him and nothing against me. He has gone through counseling and maybe he needs more but like I said I understand but as an adult we have to take control in the proper manner. Also, nothing is wrong with just venting on her part though.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I am glad you are honest but as for the others who are comdemning you for how you spoke of the kid, I'd like to see how cool they act when they really enocunter a kid who has nothing else in mind but to drive you full-out bat-s__t crazy. No one is advocating abuse here and you aren't getting any judgement from me because I've worked with kids for a number of years and have seen many dynamics of manipulative personalities manifesting in children.

omg so have I...its a messerplexed and the fact that they KNOW that you have no place to discipline them or reprimand them makes them more bound to disrespect you because they know they can.

Anyhow I hope your SO wakes up. Because if you guys break up over this, the vicious cycle is going to continue with every woman he dates until his own daughter mentally matures or decides to get married.

 

[carcajada]

I don't agree with this statement. First, You are not his wife and second you have no motherly love for the child. Thats his child and his responsibility. I promise I understand, I had a step mom when I was younger and I am a step mom now and they live with us so trust I know what you are going through.

I wonder when does the team discipline and respect start? It would seem that if a bad acting/bad mouth child sees that no one can discipline them but the two people who won't, they won't respect or stay within boundaries of their parent's SO. Then what happens when they get married? How do you make the transition from "you can't discipline my child" to "now the child has to respect you and not push limits even though they were allowed to before?"erplexed

 

[pisceschica]

Everyone is saying flee, get out of dodge, hit the deck from an 11 year old!! a child!! Maybe she's acting that way because that's exactly what she wants you to do...leave. Now what? she's won. You have to ask yourself a question:

Are you serious about this man, marriage material etc? If so then the first thing you need to do is talk to him. Men are real disciplinarians with their sons but sometimes with girls they become soft. Especially when he's not with her mom, he may feel like he needs to be the "Good guy", let her have her way. So you as a woman need to open his eyes.

You also need to discipline her. Don't do it in a angry/mad/frustrating tone. If she's acting out of line, let her know. She can act the fool with everyone else but don't let her act the fool with you. Now if her Dad gets upset because you said something now you decide if you're going to leave because you two need to be on the same side.

How can you discipline a child that is not your own erplexed? Thats like one of the unwritten rules of step-parenthood. Because if the parents are on bad terms the child is going to tell their mother and all hell breaks loose. In addition to this you don't have the right to do that. That is one of the problems in this situation.

If this child is acting like this because she is going through something in her life or because she is deeply affected by her parents divorce that is one thing. But if she has been a rude, disrespectful brat from day one and has the backing of parents/grandparents there is nothing you can do. You can vent your frustrations to the parents and if they see nothing with behavior that bothers you so much then you might have to leave.

 

[Ms. Vea]

Maybe I should clarify what I mean. I don't like her sneaky ways and her disrepectful attitude. I love the little girl but once she said she didn't like me anymore I stepped off big time and protected myself and my feelings. Her ways though and her smart mouth has gotten out of control. I'm not the only one that feels this way. any of u ladies send your kids away for the weekend and when they come hm u gotta get them bck to how u run things vs. how dad does? imagine that to the 10th power!

 

[PeopleTalkDaily]

Bounce Baby...
it will only get worse...

 

[Ms_Delikate]

If you loved this man i find it quite impossible to understand how you could not like his Daughter ...who is a child.

I am sorry but all you need to do is sit down have words with her and try to understand what she is going through.

Its her flesh and blood after all and i am sure at times she wishes that you were not around..after all you aint her mummy.

And you may never understand until you walk a mile in those shoes....I used to think the same way to until I had to walk in those shoes and believe me now I know.....to the OP if what you say in true that he does not want to discipline the child....you may have to bounce. Sorry.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Everyone is saying flee, get out of dodge, hit the deck from an 11 year old!! a child!! Maybe she's acting that way because that's exactly what she wants you to do...leave. Now what? she's won. You have to ask yourself a question:

Are you serious about this man, marriage material etc? If so then the first thing you need to do is talk to him. Men are real disciplinarians with their sons but sometimes with girls they become soft. Especially when he's not with her mom, he may feel like he needs to be the "Good guy", let her have her way. So you as a woman need to open his eyes.

You also need to discipline her. Don't do it in a angry/mad/frustrating tone. If she's acting out of line, let her know. She can act the fool with everyone else but don't let her act the fool with you. Now if her Dad gets upset because you said something now you decide if you're going to leave because you two need to be on the same side.

I think you need to ask yourself another question as well....Do you want to win or to be happy....I agree with everyone who says if her dad does not make her respect you and you alls relationship you need to leave.

 

[Tarae]

I think you need to ask yourself another question as well....Do you want to win or to be happy....I agree with everyone who says if her dad does not make her respect you and you alls relationship you need to leave.

That's what it all boils down to. It has nothing to do with running from an 11 year old or letting her win at this point.