I Don't Understand How Moms Can Be Jealous Of Their Daughters

[FlowerHair]

I actually think my mother is jealous of me although she will never admit it. She had my sister at 14, married at 16 and didn't finish school. My sister was chronically ill and mom was her caretaker until she passed. She took care of Dad until he passed. First time in her life she only has herself to worry about and she can't even enjoy that thanks to her advancing dementia.

Here I come with my healthy kids, affectionate husband and relative youth. My entry to adulthood was pretty carefree, hers was rife with responsibilities. She doesn't do anything to damage me but she makes odd comments sometimes about my appearance vs hers, my age vs. hers. I have given up on trying to convince her that some of what she is dealing with is self inflicted. It's like talking to Donald Trump's wall.

It may be the dementia speaking? Or was she always like this?

 

[nyeredzi]

I actually think my mother is jealous of me although she will never admit it. She had my sister at 14, married at 16 and didn't finish school. My sister was chronically ill and mom was her caretaker until she passed. She took care of Dad until he passed. First time in her life she only has herself to worry about and she can't even enjoy that thanks to her advancing dementia.

Here I come with my healthy kids, affectionate husband and relative youth. My entry to adulthood was pretty carefree, hers was rife with responsibilities. She doesn't do anything to damage me but she makes odd comments sometimes about my appearance vs hers, my age vs. hers. I have given up on trying to convince her that some of what she is dealing with is self inflicted. It's like talking to Donald Trump's wall.

I feel sorry for your mother. Maybe the things that are self-inflicted got left out of this post, but how can she be blamed for having a sick daughter or sick husband? And then getting dementia? It's a great sacrifice to take care of 2 people like that and watch them die, I'm sure I'd be bitter too. At least she isn't trying to actually sabotage you. She sounds like she deserves sympathy ...

 

[Bmack]

I experienced this a bit w/my mom, but she went between being proud and salty. There were several occasions where I wish she had been more supportive, like my wedding and going back to school to complete my degrees. It is crazy.

Anyway, I have also experienced this with my MIL. You know the type who is okay with you doing well as long as it's not better than them.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I never thought my mother would fall into this category, but after my dad died she changed her view of me as her life changed. And I get it. When you live life thinking people owe you, then it's going to eventually turn towards how you feel about your kids.

I'd put my mother into this category. I wouldn't say shes jealous but she has jealous moments.

It makes sense to me and I there is a part of it I think is natural. My mother has tried very hard to make me awesome but she can get upset when I actually manifest that awesomeness and flex it.

I get it from her. Yet she accuses me of being the jealous person.

 

[cocosweet]

It may be the dementia speaking? Or was she always like this?

I feel sorry for your mother. Maybe the things that are self-inflicted got left out of this post, but how can she be blamed for having a sick daughter or sick husband? And then getting dementia? It's a great sacrifice to take care of 2 people like that and watch them die, I'm sure I'd be bitter too. At least she isn't trying to actually sabotage you. sounds like she deserves sympathy ...

I love my mother, but my relationship with her is complicated. For brevity, I left out the things that are self inflicted. Because she has been living with me for awhile, I can typically tell when the things she says and does are brought on by personality changes from dementia. The things I was thinking of when I posted were present before the disease kicked in. I don't see where I blamed her for my sister and father's illnesses. I was stating the circumstances that I think are behind some of her feelings. I wouldn't wish her life on anyone actually. As I stated earlier, she doesn't try to sabotage me, it's the things she says and does ( e.g. copying) that has been going on for a long time.

Oh yeah some examples would help

Examples: DH is affectionate and likes to go out. Dad was not affectionate and hardly wanted to go anywhere.
I used to want to be curvier and tried to gain a little weight. Mom would gleefully tell me about my 300lb aunts and to just wait a few years. Umm no, lady.

I'd get a new bag or shoes and she'd comment that she liked them. A month or two later she acquires very similar bag or shoes.

Trying to copy my power walking but then complaining that I walk too fast to discourage her from coming with me.

Lamenting that she isn't pretty anymore because she is old. When I tell her it's not because of age, it's because she quit making the effort, she blows me off.

Just stuff like that.

 

[caribeandiva]

I experienced this growing up. I couldn't put my finger on what was going on. The sly comments here and there, her making fun of my physical attributes, body shaming me, her trying to embarrass me in public, etc.. It wasn't until I started doing self help work that I realized what was going on. What sucks is that the rest of the time she'd be nice. So I never knew which mother I would get.

 

[KimPossibli]

I think momentary jealousy is natural

I thought most parents were invested in 'winning' through their children though..

pushing them so they can 'brag' on them and talk about their contribution to the child's success...

 

[caribeandiva]

I think momentary jealousy is natural

I thought most parents were invested in 'winning' through their children though..

pushing them so they can 'brag' on them and talk about their contribution to the child's success...

My parents do that. In public they brag about us kids but in private it's usually criticisms and how we're disappointing them.

Thinking more about my mom, she had me at 22. She was very independent. I think her resentment stems from the fact that I was an unplanned pregnancy. Being the firstborn child, I took away her freedom. They prayed for a beautiful child, full of intelligence and a great personality and they got her! Except they didn't know how to deal with it.

Here's my mom who let herself go, is introverted and never really was into going out giving birth to me. I'm tall, attractive, smart and very outgoing. She has no friends while I've got lots of them. I'm her total opposite personality-wise. I've been getting a lot of attention basically my whole life. Still do. She made my life hell growing up. I couldn't go out with friends, wear body shaping clothes or heels. They made sure I was always home doing chores, cooking or babysitting the younger kids. Forget boys. They told me its whorish if I got a boyfriend before college. All the while telling me I should be grateful that I have good parents.

Last week she told me: "you're gorgeous because you don't look like me". I disagree. I do look like her (and sound like her too) but her insecurities won't let her see it.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

My parents do that. In public they brag about us kids but in private it's usually criticisms and how we're disappointing them.

Thinking more about my mom, she had me at 22. She was very independent. I think her resentment stems from the fact that I was an unplanned pregnancy. Being the firstborn child, I took away her freedom. They prayed for a beautiful child, full of intelligence and a great personality and they got her! Except they didn't know how to deal with it.

Here's my mom who let herself go, is introverted and never really was into going out giving birth to me. I'm tall, attractive, smart and very outgoing. She has no friends while I've got lots of them. I'm her total opposite personality-wise. I've been getting a lot of attention basically my whole life. Still do. She made my life hell growing up. I couldn't go out with friends, wear body shaping clothes or heels. They made sure I was always home doing chores, cooking or babysitting the younger kids. Forget boys. They told me its whorish if I got a boyfriend before college. All the while telling me I should be grateful that I have good parents.

Last week she told me: "you're gorgeous because you don't look like me". I disagree. I do look like her (and sound like her too) but her insecurities won't let her see it.

I think she sounds okay. I don't sense jealousy from the words posted here.

Not saying your feelings aren't valid. I just don't see it here.

 

[DarkJoy]

Im not gonna get into it but yea. My dad was on his deathbed and i was going in on my mom because she was doing what she does to me: belittling or verbally assaulting me when she couldnt ignore me. He looked at me and said "go easy on her because she is jealous of you." Stopped my roll mid stream. It had not occurred to me in my 40 years that my own mother treated me like **** because of envy. That ive never really had a mother because she's been jealous since they brought me home from the hospital.

After my dad told me that, i went in again. How stupid that was and has been nothing but detriment to both of us and every member of the family. She could be reaping the benefits of a well-earning and loving devoted daughter and sweet little granddaughter if she could just get over herself.

That **** ruined our family (among other things).

My dd is 10× more beautiful than me and its my purpose to make her a success in life, a child to be proud of. I wont be doing her as i was done.

 

[Fine 4s]

@keyawarren

Thank you for reminding us that regardless of whether you are a parent or not, you are first a human being with lots and lots of emotions, good and bad.
Hope she finds peace. That must really really suck.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Why is this thread in the relationship forum

 

[FlowerHair]

Why is this thread in the relationship forum

They moved 3-4 threads here...it took me a while to find them again...

 

[Kindheart]

My mother didn't have a lot growing up. Then she became a pregnant teen. Then after my dad passed she struggled with raising all of us (5). We of course were poor. Ended up homeless twice. Iunno what my family's karma is, but damn, we had it bad.

So me, I drop out of highschool, get my GED, go to college, get a degree, refrain from getting pregnant ever. Parlaying my paychecks on whatever. Living cheaply under my mom. Gallivanting as I please.

I can't totally be mad at her. She literally carried me through fire, hail and brimstone. However, those feelings come through and so I feel guilty when I come home with shopping bags. She didn't have that luxury for a long time. When I say we were poor, I mean we could not even afford a landline phone. We had to bum money from my cousin for pads during that time of the month. #neverforget

I'm good with money, and ever since becoming financially independent at 16, I have not struggled in anyway close. The last couple times I was unemployed I hopped on a plane to vacation.

I try to allay my moms feelings by inviting her out. Trying to engage her in my activities. Taking her to fancy places. She ain't with it, but want to make snide remarks. Smh. Anyway. I feel you sis.

Your story is truly inspiring ,I have a lot of respect for you

 

[felic1]

Im not gonna get into it but yea. My dad was on his deathbed and i was going in on my mom because she was doing what she does to me: belittling or verbally assaulting me when she couldnt ignore me. He looked at me and said "go easy on her because she is jealous of you." Stopped my roll mid stream. It had not occurred to me in my 40 years that my own mother treated me like **** because of envy. That ive never really had a mother because she's been jealous since they brought me home from the hospital.

After my dad told me that, i went in again. How stupid that was and has been nothing but detriment to both of us and every member of the family. She could be reaping the benefits of a well-earning and loving devoted daughter and sweet little granddaughter if she could just get over herself.

That **** ruined our family (among other things).

My dd is 10× more beautiful than me and its my purpose to make her a success in life, a child to be proud of. I wont be doing her as i was done.

@DarkJoy. Your story sounds so much like my life. I did not know why my mother was so angry,bitter and nasty. Despite not wanting another baby here I came. Fast forward,the other two became more valued. When they became ill I was the one that showed up for them. It got better. I can't imagine treating my child like dirt.

 

[Ganjababy]

I remember coming home from a modelling gig in full makeup at 17 and my mom and 19 year old sister giving me the silent treatment. I would feel guilty for no reason. Sure that I had done something wrong, but not knowing what. Too scared to ask.

Then one day my mother told me how jealous she was of me. She had 2 kids at 17 and was homeless. She told me that I was beautiful and had a bright future ahead of me and it made her feel jealous. It was very painful. I once found a letter she had written to her man. It stated that she hated it when he spoke to me. It burned her up inside.


Over 20 years later not much has changed. She hides it well now. So well that I sometimes forget. Then I am snapped back into reality.

Since birth I have lived in at least 30 places. Last year Dh and I bought a house on an acre of land. It's our third house but it is my first "home". Somewhere I can finally plant some roots.

I sent her some pics of the house and she did not comment. She is supposed to come and visit but I don't think I want her in my home. I do not want the bad vibes.

 

[Ganjababy]

This! This is my mother.

Yep. Self inflicted.

I've been telling my mom that she chooses to put herself into bad situations and then wants to complain later. Isn't there a term for this? Something about martyrdom?

I wonder if this is a common trait amongst jealous mothers. They're just not bold enough to say "no" but resent you because you did or can.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I remember coming home from a modelling gig in full makeup at 17 and my mom and 19 year old sister giving me the silent treatment. I would feel guilty for no reason. Sure that I had done something wrong, but not knowing what. Too scared to ask.

Then one day my mother told me how jealous she was of me. She had 2 kids at 17 and was homeless. She told me that I was beautiful and had a bright future ahead of me and it made her feel jealous. It was very painful. I once found a letter she had written to her man. It stated that she hated it when he spoke to me. It burned her up inside.


Over 20 years later not much has changed. She hides it well now. So well that I sometimes forget. Then I am snapped back into reality.

Since birth I have lived in at least 30 places. Last year Dh and I bought a house on an acre of land. It's our third house but it is my first "home". Somewhere I can finally plant some roots.

I sent her some pics of the house and she did not comment. She is supposed to come and visit but I don't think I want her in my home. I do not want the bad vibes.

Wow. Im sorry to hear that. Did she ask for those pics? Knowing that she feels some kind of way about you, maybe you shouldn't have sent them. I would've just let her see the house during a visit for "family dinner".

 

[sissimpson]

I know my daughter has felt that I was jealous of her at times. I feel like she is always trying to prove herself to be better than me. That's all I every wanted for her, to do more and be greater.I have learned that she needs me to step back and be a cheerleader, not a teacher any more.