So my cousin told me she found out her husband has a woman pregnant. She is devastated and I have never heard her cry so hard. My heart aches for her because I don't know how to comfort her and get her mind off it. I'm so worried about her she looks like she hasn't slept in days. I'm so used to her being lively and laughing. I feel so helpless because I know words won't take her pain away.
I Wish I Could Help Her
- Thread starter syze6
- Start date
Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
All you can do is be there for her. Comfort her and, when she's ready, try to take her mind off things. What's the husband saying? Are they trying to work things out? Is he leaving?
A girlfriend of one of her husband's friend.
He said he doesn't want to lose her and all the things men say. She questioned him a year ago about the woman because she would call him. He would chalk it up to her having to ask a question concerning work. She was well aware of his marital status. He admitted to seeing her off and on.
Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
So they work together or that was just the excuse he gave? What else did the whistleblower tell her? Is he saying it's over? If this has been going on for a year, it doesn't sound like a fling. I can't imagine how she's feeling.
She said they work together for real and he admitted it has been going on for About two years. Now...he wants nothing to do with the girl. No surprise there. Men!
Reinventing21
Spreading my wings
^^^So many men say that, but if they can, they will continue to be with both.
I feel so bad for your friend. That is devastating as it is the kind of thing that will be in your face for the rest of your marriage. How long have they been married? Do they have kids too?
It is so easy to say I would leave, but my goodness what an agonizing situation.
I feel so bad for your friend. That is devastating as it is the kind of thing that will be in your face for the rest of your marriage. How long have they been married? Do they have kids too?
It is so easy to say I would leave, but my goodness what an agonizing situation.
LostInAdream
Well-Known Member
So sorry your friend is going through this. All you can do is listen to her and let her know you are here for her. She must be going through it especially if she’s not sleeping. She should leave the house to feel everything she needs to and figure out what it is she’s going to do. Leaving is best because she’ll be in a different environment and better able to process without the reminders of said husband and the home they share. Hugs to you and your friend.
Cattypus1
All loced up...
This is so sad to me. I feel pain for her. It really doesn’t matter what he says now, if there is a baby it’s not over. The baby will be a constant reminder. I don’t know how marriages can survive such a betrayal. Bad enough that he cheated but now a permanent tie that binds him to her, like it or not. She just needs some time to process and think and cry. Just be a non-judgmental shoulder and ear if she needs to talk it out. Take care.
prettydarkthing
Well-Known Member
No quotes.
Can she stay with family or friends for a little while? She needs to be away from the cheater to clear her mind and make productive decisions toward how she wants to proceed. Men will always act like they didn't really want the other woman, especially when it's no longer a juicy secret. That's the problem with cheating, too much of it is for a thrill of "having something extra" without anyone knowing. Once secret is out, people sing a different tune.
Does she have kids with the husband? If so, that makes it difficult, but I don't believe in staying with and suffering potential crazy consequences mentally and physically from being with a cheater. The way I see it, kids may be disrupted, but the adult has a life they need to set right for themselves too.
I feel bad for her, as a married woman, cheating = divorce for me. However, if she's been married long enough and wants to leave him, it would be wise to not have any/more kids with him and look at how long it takes for her to dip into certain assets. If you watched that Huntsville show Melody found out that 10 years of marriage is enough to dip into spouse's retirement savings. I don't know if that's everywhere, but also the fact that he cheated may entitle her to more in a judgement. It's important to have a plan to lose that loser in the right way if she plans to leave.
If she wants to stay, I think he'll have his cake and eat it too, creeping out and using that child as an excuse to see the other woman. Also she will have a spouse who pays for someone else's child, because the side woman definitely still will want her child support. Paying for someone else's child takes money out of their combined household income. Essentially, she'll live for 18 years with her money (because his is hers) being used for someone else's child. That's going to be a no for me.
I don't like bluffing, so if he was really about that lifestyle with the other woman, then leave him. Let him enjoy life with the other woman and the new child, because of course these women always want to keep these loser's seeds.
Can she stay with family or friends for a little while? She needs to be away from the cheater to clear her mind and make productive decisions toward how she wants to proceed. Men will always act like they didn't really want the other woman, especially when it's no longer a juicy secret. That's the problem with cheating, too much of it is for a thrill of "having something extra" without anyone knowing. Once secret is out, people sing a different tune.
Does she have kids with the husband? If so, that makes it difficult, but I don't believe in staying with and suffering potential crazy consequences mentally and physically from being with a cheater. The way I see it, kids may be disrupted, but the adult has a life they need to set right for themselves too.
I feel bad for her, as a married woman, cheating = divorce for me. However, if she's been married long enough and wants to leave him, it would be wise to not have any/more kids with him and look at how long it takes for her to dip into certain assets. If you watched that Huntsville show Melody found out that 10 years of marriage is enough to dip into spouse's retirement savings. I don't know if that's everywhere, but also the fact that he cheated may entitle her to more in a judgement. It's important to have a plan to lose that loser in the right way if she plans to leave.
If she wants to stay, I think he'll have his cake and eat it too, creeping out and using that child as an excuse to see the other woman. Also she will have a spouse who pays for someone else's child, because the side woman definitely still will want her child support. Paying for someone else's child takes money out of their combined household income. Essentially, she'll live for 18 years with her money (because his is hers) being used for someone else's child. That's going to be a no for me.
I don't like bluffing, so if he was really about that lifestyle with the other woman, then leave him. Let him enjoy life with the other woman and the new child, because of course these women always want to keep these loser's seeds.
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
This is the 3rd story I've heard this week of husbands cheating and the wives finding out when the mistress/fling/side piece is pregnant or just had a baby. smh. I'm so sorry for your friend. I would simply try to be an ear and maybe send her something nice like flowers or some token, but that's with my inner circle of friends.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
I know that I'm a broken record recommending therapy for everything but while it's good to be there for friends, she really needs an impartial person who can help her work through her feelings. The only thing that I would recommend that you suggest your friend do is get a full screen test for STD's since her husband has obviously been having unprotected sex and there's no way of knowing if the pregnant chick is the only one.
I agree with it all. She knows its over for her but is trying to process things right now. They do have children, not small ones and have many years together. Yep..they always want to keep the losers child.
I would bet somewhere a long the line it was intentional. Like it was said in tbe Wendy Williams thread. The women use this as the last resort an ultimatums. S he said he is devastated and won't return the woman phone calls, which i told her he might as well continue interacting with her. Since he was able to do so off and on for so long.
What is sad to me is that women of today will continue to get involved with married man with no problem. They will hang in there like it's ome sort of competition over the loser.
Cheating is always so great until realness comes into play, then it's not so great.
2nd the STD testing @Crackers Phinn suggested.
Of course that means halting any intimacy for a while.
If she can take some space and time away from him.... it may be best. She doesn’t have to make any major decisions, but some alone time to process is advisable.
Therapy ASAP if possible.
She shouldn’t bother questioning him or asking why, how? Etc.
He will lie, be evasive, find a way to partially or fully blame her. If he does try blaming her, she should walk away while he is talking.
If she can’t get away (maybe due to young kids, if any) It will be hard, but just going pure silent and not addressing his wrong doings can tip certain things in the wife’s favor.
Most men are usually ready for the normal womanly reactions their SO will have towards cheating, but being silent and going on about your daily activities and life is not something they are generally use to or expecting in these types of situations.
If they have kids who are semi self efficient, she can take a few days off and leave the kids with him.
She is going to be hurting for a while, but unless there are other factors at play (that she hasn’t shared) she should realize the problem is him. Simple as that. He chose to do what he did, knowing it would hurt her and the family. He didn’t care.
Of course that means halting any intimacy for a while.
If she can take some space and time away from him.... it may be best. She doesn’t have to make any major decisions, but some alone time to process is advisable.
Therapy ASAP if possible.
She shouldn’t bother questioning him or asking why, how? Etc.
He will lie, be evasive, find a way to partially or fully blame her. If he does try blaming her, she should walk away while he is talking.
If she can’t get away (maybe due to young kids, if any) It will be hard, but just going pure silent and not addressing his wrong doings can tip certain things in the wife’s favor.
Most men are usually ready for the normal womanly reactions their SO will have towards cheating, but being silent and going on about your daily activities and life is not something they are generally use to or expecting in these types of situations.
If they have kids who are semi self efficient, she can take a few days off and leave the kids with him.
She is going to be hurting for a while, but unless there are other factors at play (that she hasn’t shared) she should realize the problem is him. Simple as that. He chose to do what he did, knowing it would hurt her and the family. He didn’t care.
Like you said, he should continue interacting with the OW. His devastation is a lie to placate your friend/ his wife. Obviously he was dealing (unprotected) with her recently for her to be pregnant.
2+ years of lies, gaslighting (probably picking unnecessary fights with his wife) so he would feel less guilty about his actions.
If she seats down and thinks of his behavior/actions towards her the last 2-3 years, a lot of his off and on negative confusing behavior towards her will start to make perfect sense.
Also.... if she was contributing financially, she should stop. She should tell him to pick up the finances since he obviously had excess money to spend on another woman.
Ms. Tarabotti
Well-Known Member
Well this is going to be hard to do since he got her pregnant-they'll always be tied together.
I agree with the others- your friend needs to leave and sort out her own feelings about this. She has to decide by herself if she wants to end it, stay or whatever. She shouldn't talk to her husband-she has to make this decision without his influence (besides, he wasn't thinking about her when he was raw dogging the other woman
). He has some decisions to make as well like how is he going to tell his other children about the new sibling and to preparing to pay child support. Your friend might benefit from an impartial ear, advice her to see a short term therapist. Also advise her to see a lawyer to discuss options in case she decides to divorce.Miss Sidepiece might thinks she has won but if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you. If they get together, she'll be the one worrying about those 'phone calls'.
Two years of off and on, says that at some point he could have made a decision to keep it off and he didn't.
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
And "now" he only wants out because there is a baby involved. smh. If there had been no baby, who knows how long they would've continued "off and on"
movingforward13
I do what I want...
Give her this website- it helped me tremendously when my ex husband cheated.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=
If you haven’t, the website that was recommend earlier is really good. I’ve browsed through it. At least she’ll know she’s not alone. It also provides good guidance and steps on what to do depending on the outcome she is looking for.
ETA: they almost always beg for forgiveness. It because they got caught and now have to deal with the consequences. She should look at that site.
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They sure do...she said the OW isgetting the cold shoulder. He declines to accompany her to doctor visits and she constantly tries to reach out to him. It's so sad how men can switch up on a woman. It's sad that this OW seems to want a happily ever after with him still, but his behavior in her condition should speak volumes. I told her... this other one doesn't seem to know what's in store for her. No one wants to be alone and distant from the man in a time, when you need support the most being pregnant.
natural2008
Well-Known Member
Ugh, sorry to hear this .
.
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
Not to derail the thread, but this rhetoric is only true if you make it, and isn't helpful.
Proof: there is a woman who is complicit in this nonsense yet we don't say "all women aint ish" because if her. Nor do we blame all women for this foolery. The husband in the op is wack, let's lay blame where it belongs.
momi
Well-Known Member
Yeah too late for all of that now - he's now attached for life.
I'm sorry your cousin is going through this.
