I Wish I Could Help Her

[momi]

So my cousin sounded a lot better today but she is still devastated. She is still processing everything. Husband is begging her forgiveness/reconciliation. She is taking time to get herself together. I told her she is not alone in this.

I strongly suggest at minimum a time of separation. There is no way he should commit such an egregious act and get to continue receiving the benefits of a shared household. Let him beg and plead from the Extended Stay or his mama's house. That will give her time to truly process her feelings and make a sound decision.

 

[syze6]

I strongly suggest at minimum a time of separation. There is no way he should commit such an egregious act and get to continue receiving the benefits of a shared household. Let him beg and plead from the Extended Stay or his mama's house. That will give her time to truly process her feelings and make a sound decision.

On top of trying to sort out her feelings, the woman had the nerve to get her number and sent her pictures of her posing with her pregnant belly and all smiles.I told her reality will deal with her soon enough. That woman will wake up one day and realize the negative energy she called into her life. She just needs to just stay focused. There are people who really don't care about the destruction they cause. Those two will get theirs soon enough.

 

[Bette Davis Eyes]

On top of trying to sort out her feelings, the woman had the nerve to get her number and sent her pictures of her posing with her pregnant belly and all smiles.I told her reality will deal with her soon enough. That woman will wake up one day and realize the negative energy she called into her life. She just needs to just stay focused. There are people who really don't care about the destruction they cause. Those two will get theirs soon enough.

How in the world did she get her number? See, I'd be at the police station filing a stalking report with intent to cause alarm with a restraining order. Don't play with my mental wellbeing.

 

[Ganjababy]

The onus To prove that this is false is not on us women though. I don’t know one woman who got pregnant for another man while married to someone else. But I know a few men in my dad and grand daddy’s generation. So as far as I am concerned men ain’t sheet.

Not to derail the thread, but this rhetoric is only true if you make it, and isn't helpful.

Proof: there is a woman who is complicit in this nonsense yet we don't say "all women aint ish" because if her. Nor do we blame all women for this foolery. The husband in the op is wack, let's lay blame where it belongs.

 

[syze6]

The onus To prove that this is false is not on us women though. I don’t know one woman who got pregnant for another man while married to someone else. But I know a few men in my dad and grand daddy’s generation. So as far as I am concerned men ain’t sheet.

Yeah...there are some men out here who really ain't shish but believe there is a woman to match him. Society likes to shame women if you dare call a woman out for he part in destroying a relationship or marriage. It's like people want to give them a pass because the man is the one usually in marriages or relationships stepping out. So the burden has to always lies on the man. I don't subscribe to that at all because it helps those woman not see their part in it all.

Any woman who participated in destroying a marriage or relationship carries half of the burden...period! The man AND the woman ain't squat. When I say this in discussions with my friends I get the typical response. Well he was the one abc...but my thoughts are she was the one who KNEW abc as well therefore holding each accountable.

I've never been afraid to call a man out. I will never be afraid to be of unpopular opinion as far as the participating woman is concerned. I have seen this kind of situation play out first hand with one of my close friends. She knowingly had an affair with a married man and was pulling all kinds of tricks to get him to choose. She like many mistresses used pregnancy as the last resort. She had not an ounce of empathy and remorse and voiced it, because she wanted the man. Regardless of me trying to get her to put herself in the wife's shoes, she continued on with her wants. I didn't pacify her and make her think she wasn't equally responsible for the demise of that marriage.

In the case of my cousin...I think her hubby and this woman are both equally trash. The only pass she would have gotten is if she didn't know. This one definitely knew what it was and was happy to play a part in causing this destruction. So I guess you can truly say some men AND woman ain't shish.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Yeah...there are some men out here who really ain't shish but believe there is a woman to match him. Society likes to shame women if you dare call a woman out for he part in destroying a relationship or marriage. It's like people want to give them a pass because the man is the one usually in marriages or relationships stepping out. So the burden has to always lies on the man. I don't subscribe to that at all because it helps those woman not see their part in it all.

Any woman who participated in destroying a marriage or relationship carries half of the burden...period! The man AND the woman ain't squat. When I say this in discussions with my friends I get the typical response. Well he was the one abc...but my thoughts are she was the one who KNEW abc as well therefore holding each accountable.

I've never been afraid to call a man out. I will never be afraid to be of unpopular opinion as far as the participating woman is concerned. I have seen this kind of situation play out first hand with one of my close friends. She knowingly had an affair with a married man and was pulling all kinds of tricks to get him to choose. She like many mistresses used pregnancy as the last resort. She had not an ounce of empathy and remorse and voiced it, because she wanted the man. Regardless of me trying to get her to put herself in the wife's shoes, she continued on with her wants. I didn't pacify her and make her think she wasn't equally responsible for the demise of that marriage.

In the case of my cousin...I think her hubby and this woman are both equally trash. The only pass she would have gotten is if she didn't know. This one definitely knew what it was and was happy to play a part in causing this destruction. So I guess you can truly say some men AND woman ain't shish.

The rhetoric on men is an excuse to remain emotionally unavailable amongst other things. Where you place your energy is exactly the kind of world you will experience...and blah blah.its ots true though.

Back to the OP. I hope that your friend is well. I can only imagine this kind of betrayal.

Edited: wording removed.

 

[syze6]

The rhetoric on men is an excuse to remain emotionally unavailable and/or bitter, amongst other things. Where you place your energy is exactly the kind of world you will experience...and blah blah.its ots true though.

Back to the OP. I hope that your friend is well. I can only imagine this kind of betrayal.

Thanks...I just be an ear to listen to her as many times as she needs me. I pray her strength and the ability to ignore this woman who seems to want to hurt her with her pics. I will never understand why a woman who willing participates i these situations, focuses all her energy on the wife. The wife is the innocent party. You would think her "winning" this man and her new family would be enough. Why antagonize the wife and try to break her down even more. I just continue to keep her focused on what she needs to heal. This is the kind of woman who will never get a pass from me.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Thanks...I just be an ear to listen to her as many times as she needs me. I pray her strength and the ability to ignore this woman who seems to want to hurt her with her pics. I will never understand why a woman who willing participates i these situations, focuses all her energy on the wife. The wife is the innocent party. You would think her "winning" this man and her new family would be enough. Why antagonize the wife and try to break her down even more. I just continue to keep her focused on what she needs to heal. This is the kind of woman who will never get a pass from me.

Some women get their security from competing with other women. There are also just straight up crazy people out here. Trying to wrap your brain around their actions isn't typically fruitful.

 

[ommns]

Thanks...I just be an ear to listen to her as many times as she needs me. I pray her strength and the ability to ignore this woman who seems to want to hurt her with her pics. I will never understand why a woman who willing participates i these situations, focuses all her energy on the wife. The wife is the innocent party. You would think her "winning" this man and her new family would be enough. Why antagonize the wife and try to break her down even more. I just continue to keep her focused on what she needs to heal. This is the kind of woman who will never get a pass from me.

This could be a way to make sure that the wife leaves the husband since the husband didn't leave the wife.

 

[NijaG]

This could be a way to make sure that the wife leaves the husband since the husband didn't leave the wife.

I concur.
@syze6 ..... your cousin’s DH seems like the typical cake eater (like they say on the SI site). There was really nothing wrong with the wife and marriage. They don’t plan on leaving the marriage. However, like many men are willing to risk their marriage/rlsp for their ego.

Anyway.... whatever she decides, he really needs to earn his way back into her life/heart.

 

[Evolving78]

Yeah...there are some men out here who really ain't shish but believe there is a woman to match him. Society likes to shame women if you dare call a woman out for he part in destroying a relationship or marriage. It's like people want to give them a pass because the man is the one usually in marriages or relationships stepping out. So the burden has to always lies on the man. I don't subscribe to that at all because it helps those woman not see their part in it all.

Any woman who participated in destroying a marriage or relationship carries half of the burden...period! The man AND the woman ain't squat. When I say this in discussions with my friends I get the typical response. Well he was the one abc...but my thoughts are she was the one who KNEW abc as well therefore holding each accountable.

I've never been afraid to call a man out. I will never be afraid to be of unpopular opinion as far as the participating woman is concerned. I have seen this kind of situation play out first hand with one of my close friends. She knowingly had an affair with a married man and was pulling all kinds of tricks to get him to choose. She like many mistresses used pregnancy as the last resort. She had not an ounce of empathy and remorse and voiced it, because she wanted the man. Regardless of me trying to get her to put herself in the wife's shoes, she continued on with her wants. I didn't pacify her and make her think she wasn't equally responsible for the demise of that marriage.

In the case of my cousin...I think her hubby and this woman are both equally trash. The only pass she would have gotten is if she didn't know. This one definitely knew what it was and was happy to play a part in causing this destruction. So I guess you can truly say some men AND woman ain't shish.

That other woman doesn’t matter. The husband ain’t ish, keep the heat on him. He is out here having sex with people outside of his marriage, and she more than likely isn’t the first, she is the one he got caught with. Heck send her a thank you note!

 

[Saludable84]

That other woman doesn’t matter. The husband ain’t ish, keep the heat on him. He is out here having sex with people outside of his marriage, and she more than likely isn’t the first, she is the one he got caught with. Heck send her a thank you note!

From what I followed, the wife seems to know that this isnt the first time hes cheated. So how are the other women at fault for breaking up a marriage if the man continues to step out. Not absolving the woman, but if HE approached 5 women and none bit, then the 6th is a terrible human being for accepting him? She broke up the marriage? And he needs to get right to get back into her good graces and heart... does anyone know what an STD/STI is? Anyone? Does anyone know how the incurable ones work too? Anyone? Did I miss the memo; do we have 9 lives? The scarcity cant be real.

 

[Evolving78]

From what I followed, the wife seems to know that this isnt the first time hes cheated. So how are the other women at fault for breaking up a marriage if the man continues to step out. Not absolving the woman, but if HE approached 5 women and none bit, then the 6th is a terrible human being for accepting him? She broke up the marriage? And he needs to get right to get back into her good graces and heart... does anyone know what an STD/STI is? Anyone? Does anyone know how the incurable ones work too? Anyone? Did I miss the memo; do we have 9 lives? The scarcity cant be real.

Say it for the people in the back!!
Cervical cancer is real. This man is just out here trying to have sex with everybody and he is putting his wife’s health on the line. Having multiple partners (that she may or may not be aware of) increases her chances and there are plenty of black women out here fighting for their lives due to cervical cancer. That’s not something we talk about because we concern ourselves with HIV and other well known STIs. There are STIs that can lead to that.

 

[Iwanthealthyhair67]

they are both at fault but the responsibility his ultimately the husband, trust he is only sorry because she is pregnant and he got found out.

 

[syze6]

From what I followed, the wife seems to know that this isnt the first time hes cheated. So how are the other women at fault for breaking up a marriage if the man continues to step out. Not absolving the woman, but if HE approached 5 women and none bit, then the 6th is a terrible human being for accepting him? She broke up the marriage? And he needs to get right to get back into her good graces and heart... does anyone know what an STD/STI is? Anyone? Does anyone know how the incurable ones work too? Anyone? Did I miss the memo; do we have 9 lives? The scarcity cant be real.

I asked her if she had previous issues and she said no. She questioned his interaction with the coworker and he said it was just that and she left it alone. So to find out it was really something has to be devastating.

 

[doriannc]

Hmm OW is just trying to rock the boat and is hoping wife would jump overboard. I would go no contact with both hubby and his side piece. If side piece tries to contact her again, she can get a restraining order. I believe since hubby has “broken up” with OW, OW is just trying make wife mad enough to kick hubby out. That’s bird logic and easy to spot.
OW will get hers though. These forced relationships rarely work out.

 

[syze6]

they are both at fault but the responsibility his ultimately the husband, trust he is only sorry because she is pregnant and he got found out.

I agree but never voiced it to her. These men get so comfortable cheating and stringing women along. Then when the OW gets tired of being strung along and get pregnant then they get in their feelings. Yep...her getting pregnant wasn't in the plans. I like another poster, agree he probably has been out there before to be so brazen with someone. He just happen to run into one who cared just as less as he did about his marriage and wanted to stick.

He probably wasn't as successful with the others. I really hope this one doesn't assume it was just her because if he was brazen enough with her, his ego probably allowed him to be with someone else too. She says, she doesn't even concern herself with the pics and antagonizing. She is just trying to move along.

It's so hard to not call this ninja every name in the book every time we talk. I wonder if this other woman knows that saying, "be careful what you wish for". That thrill and rush of cheating and idealizing will soon give in to the wears of reality. These men have to have the gift of gab because, they will convince a woman to stay waiting in the wings for years. Then these women will actually be loyal to the cheating married man. I never understood that logic. Seeing the devastation and emotions first hand with her, I wish no woman has to experience that.

 

[dancinstallion]

For some reason this reminds me of a coworker I had. She was 34 at the time and cheating with a married man. The coworker cheated with him for two years. Well she was tired of him not leaving his wife so she called the wife and told her everything. The wife said thank you and left the husband.

Well the husband was so upset that he moved in with the coworker and didn't pay not a bill or buy her anything, didn't buy food, he just went to work and treated her like crap. He said you wanted me so bad and now you have me. Coworker said she had to pay for everything and he wouldn't leave.

 

[mrselle]

For some reason this reminds me of a coworker I had. She was 34 at the time and cheating with a married man. The coworker cheated with him for two years. Well she was tired of him not leaving his wife so she called the wife and told her everything. The wife said thank you and left the husband.

Well the husband was so upset that he moved in with the coworker and didn't pay not a bill or buy her anything, didn't buy food, he just went to work and treated her like crap. He said you wanted me so bad and now you have me. Coworker said she had to pay for everything and he wouldn't leave.

What does she mean he wouldn't leave? It was her place, right? If she really wanted him to leave she would have made him leave. She let him stay to save face. Nothing worse than finally getting what you thought you wanted only to realize its rude, disrespectful and doesn't pay bills. You reap what you sow. The destruction you bring to another person's home will come to your own home.

 

[syze6]

For some reason this reminds me of a coworker I had. She was 34 at the time and cheating with a married man. The coworker cheated with him for two years. Well she was tired of him not leaving his wife so she called the wife and told her everything. The wife said thank you and left the husband.

Well the husband was so upset that he moved in with the coworker and didn't pay not a bill or buy her anything, didn't buy food, he just went to work and treated her like crap. He said you wanted me so bad and now you have me. Coworker said she had to pay for everything and he wouldn't leave.

Wow...it just floors me how a man can do a 180 once the relationship is out. You almost can feel bad that she was good enough to ruin his marriage for, then turn around and act an a$$. You really get to see the real person when there isn't any sneaking and thrilling left. You really have to be careful what you wish for...literally!

 

[Ganjababy]

Served the =#@$ right she wanted a disgusting pig and she got one

For some reason this reminds me of a coworker I had. She was 34 at the time and cheating with a married man. The coworker cheated with him for two years. Well she was tired of him not leaving his wife so she called the wife and told her everything. The wife said thank you and left the husband.

Well the husband was so upset that he moved in with the coworker and didn't pay not a bill or buy her anything, didn't buy food, he just went to work and treated her like crap. He said you wanted me so bad and now you have me. Coworker said she had to pay for everything and he wouldn't leave.

 

[Iwanthealthyhair67]

For some reason this reminds me of a coworker I had. She was 34 at the time and cheating with a married man. The coworker cheated with him for two years. Well she was tired of him not leaving his wife so she called the wife and told her everything. The wife said thank you and left the husband.

Well the husband was so upset that he moved in with the coworker and didn't pay not a bill or buy her anything, didn't buy food, he just went to work and treated her like crap. He said you wanted me so bad and now you have me. Coworker said she had to pay for everything and he wouldn't leave.

Good for her!

She did his wife a favor.

 

[ommns]

For some reason this reminds me of a coworker I had. She was 34 at the time and cheating with a married man. The coworker cheated with him for two years. Well she was tired of him not leaving his wife so she called the wife and told her everything. The wife said thank you and left the husband.

Well the husband was so upset that he moved in with the coworker and didn't pay not a bill or buy her anything, didn't buy food, he just went to work and treated her like crap. He said you wanted me so bad and now you have me. Coworker said she had to pay for everything and he wouldn't leave.

If you have to tell the wife in order for the man to leave, doesn't that mean that he never wanted to leave in the first place? I hear about people divorcing all the time. If he truly did not want to be with his wife and wanted to be with you, he would leave on his own.

 

[Farida]

If you have to tell the wife in order for the man to leave, doesn't that mean that he never wanted to leave in the first place? I hear about people divorcing all the time. If he truly did not want to be with his wife and wanted to be with you, he would leave on his own.

The thing the woman likely isn’t rational. She may even have gotten pregnant on purpose because she thought it would make him leave.

 

[RUBY]

The onus To prove that this is false is not on us women though. I don’t know one woman who got pregnant for another man while married to someone else. But I know a few men in my dad and grand daddy’s generation. So as far as I am concerned men ain’t sheet.

I just thought about this and one famous example is Kim Khardashian. She was pregnant with North fathered by Kanye West while she was still married to Kris Humphries.

 

[Ganjababy]

I just thought about this and one famous example is Kim Khardashian. She was pregnant with North fathered by Kanye West while she was still married to Kris Humphries.

But she had left him though. They were separated. But saying that, I just had a thought. Even if most women did this, get pregnant while still with their husband, we can pass the kid off as our husbands lol. So I kind of take back what I said. I guess hence the saying mamas baby, daddy’s maybe. Women do this too, but they are able to get away with more often if they want their marriage to continue. Especially before DNA tests and abortions. I just never thought about this before now lol.

 

[syze6]

Hey ladies...my cousin is doing great! She is moving on with life and glowing as a soon to be divorcée, We had a stay in party drinking wine.

So the baby turned out not be her hubby. Yep...you heard right. The baby was born and the mother in law told her it was proven no chance he was the father. If I could have been a fly on the wall when he was told. Mother in law told her he looked like someone snatched breath out his body when he told her. She said she had tore him a good one at the news of the demise of his marriage.

I told her he probably don’t know what to do with himself. She said he is a narcissist so you know he is probably boiling inside. Who even knows what they both are thinking at this point. Cousin is on her way sad for the ending, happy for her beginning. Thank you ladies for the kind words to her!

 

[chocolat79]

Hey ladies...my cousin is doing great! She is moving on with life and glowing as a soon to be divorcée, We had a stay in party drinking wine.

So the baby turned out not be her hubby. Yep...you heard right. The baby was born and the mother in law told her it was proven no chance he was the father. If I could have been a fly on the wall when he was told. Mother in law told her he looked like someone snatched breath out his body when he told her. She said she had tore him a good one at the news of the demise of his marriage.

I told her he probably don’t know what to do with himself. She said he is a narcissist so you know he is probably boiling inside. Who even knows what they both are thinking at this point. Cousin is on her way sad for the ending, happy for her beginning. Thank you ladies for the kind words to her!

Wow! Even though it doesn't feel like it, this was a gift. It gave her the strength to walk away from this triflin' soon-to-be ex- husband. I really hope she finds someone worthy and faithful next time, if that's her desire.

 

[Alma Petra]

Hey ladies...my cousin is doing great! She is moving on with life and glowing as a soon to be divorcée, We had a stay in party drinking wine.

So the baby turned out not be her hubby. Yep...you heard right. The baby was born and the mother in law told her it was proven no chance he was the father. If I could have been a fly on the wall when he was told. Mother in law told her he looked like someone snatched breath out his body when he told her. She said she had tore him a good one at the news of the demise of his marriage.

I told her he probably don’t know what to do with himself. She said he is a narcissist so you know he is probably boiling inside. Who even knows what they both are thinking at this point. Cousin is on her way sad for the ending, happy for her beginning. Thank you ladies for the kind words to her!

How sweet! So the side piece was cheating on that cheater! I wonder if he will forgive her and move on with her now that she's mothered a child for another man while with him.

 

[syze6]

How sweet! So the side piece was cheating on that cheater! I wonder if he will forgive her and move on with her now that she's mothered a child for another man while with him.

Right! He probably will just move to another, even cheaters have the nerve to want loyalty from side pieces.

I wonder why she was so sure he was the father, if she was cheating too.