I think I did the right thing...but why doesnt it feel like it?

[Endlesslegs]

Sorry its long but please read.


Ive been seeing this guy for about two weeks now. We get along really really well and I really enjoy his company. Anyway, the only gripe I have is that he is always late for our dates. I gave him a pass considering he lives far away from me and also has a demanding job. On average he is usually at least 45 mins late to pick me up from my house. We spoke about this and I let him know I found it unacceptable as it shows he was unreliable.
He apologised, blaming traffic and one thing or the other.

Anyway on saturday things came to a head. He was meant to pick me up at 2. He didnt arrive until 4.30. I was LIVID!!! Especially since Id spoken to him around 12 and told him not to be late. He promised he wouldnt. At 3, I rang him to ask where he was since he knew I had stuff to do. He was said he was on his way and asked if I still wanted him to come. WTF? Anyway, I knew then that I would end this thing we were starting because I was so annoyed.

He got here and I told him to forget it. I was not going anywhere with him and said we should forget about seeing each other. He looked at me stunned and asked me why I was so angry and why I didnt tell him not to come before he actually got to mine. I responded ' So you know how it feels to waste someone else's time' and walked away. HE sent me a text later saying 'damn, you are evil' :S I rang him straight away cuz I couldnt believe he still didnt realise why I was so upset. According to him, he didnt know timing would be such an issue btw us. I hung up and we haven't spoken since. I sent him a text to explain my feelings when I was calmer but he didnt respond.

Im kind of upset because I really liked him. There was NO fault i could find with this guy except he seemed ridiculously into me. Everybody noticed and he'd already asked me to be his girl, I had to slow him down. I dont know what to say now. Im a bit suspicious that I may have given him an easy exit because I told him I was a virgin two days before. he was a bit floored (I'm "21 and stunning"-his words) at the news but he said that didnt bother him since he was genuine. Im just surprised he made no effort to explain, he just seemed shocked. Well I did make him drive for an hour just to break it off with him.

Im afraid I over reacted ladies....what say ye?

I ended up going out with my ex in the end but I could only think of the new guy

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

How long were you dating him?

Personally, I don't think you really overreacted. I mean, maybe making him come all the way over to your house and then changing your mind on him was a bit harsh, but honestly...he deserved it. I think your words and what you said to him was not harsh at all. You had already told him calmly before that you didn't appreciate him being late. Plus, you had told him twice that day not to be late. So, he was basically asking for it at this point. And 2 hours late is definitely a LOT different from being only say 15-30 minutes late. 2 hours + late is unacceptable for a date.

I don't know why a guy so into you would be so bad with time! Most guys want to make a GOOD impression on a girl that they're interested in, and being late (especially after the girl has told you NOT to be late) wouldn't even cross a guy's mind!

Hmmm....well, I don't know what to say. I can see that you're hurt. Especially since you REALLY liked him. But don't worry....If he really likes you, he'll call you again and try to make up for his wrongs.

 

[lexi08]

NO you did not over react. What is with thinking we are over reacting when men don't act appropriately? He was VERY late on several dates that is not acceptable . What bothers me even more is that he seem to blow off the significance, like it was no big deal. You did the right thing in letting him go IMO.

 

[Lucie]

Heck no, you didn't overreact!!!

I give people up to 20 minutes to make it to meand then I leave, or go about my business. It's one thing if he calls and says he is running late, but he didn't. I know he treated you well once you were together. However, if he cannot respect your time, he cannot respect you and the relationship should end.

We are all adults and should know how long it takes us to clean, cook, run errands, get to work, whatever. I don't care if he lives in Botswana, that doesn't give him the reason to consistently be late.

I know you feel bad, but consider yourself lucky that you did this now and not later.

 

[Endlesslegs]

How long were you dating him?

Personally, I don't think you really overreacted. I mean, maybe making him come all the way over to your house and then changing your mind on him was a bit harsh, but honestly...he deserved it.
I think your words and what you said to him was not harsh at all. You had already told him calmly before that you didn't appreciate him being late. Plus, you had told him twice that day not to be late. So, he was basically asking for it at this point. And 2 hours late is definitely a LOT different from being only say 15-30 minutes late. 2 hours + late is unacceptable for a date.

I don't know why a guy so into you would be so bad with time! Most guys want to make a GOOD impression on a girl that they're interested in, and being late (especially after the girl has told you NOT to be late) wouldn't even cross a guy's mind!

Hmmm....well, I don't know what to say. I can see that you're hurt. Especially since you REALLY liked him. But don't worry....If he really likes you, he'll call you again and try to make up for his wrongs.

I am really hurt, I almost want to cry lol. Especially since I feel bad for making him drive down. But like you said he should be making a good impression right now. He was in every way but his timing. I wasnt about to set a standard that it is okay for me to be sat round waiting for him. His last girlfriend was a Becky so I dont know what he is used toerplexed I was furious though, absolutely fuming! I still managed to talk to him and wait for an explanation but all he said was 'okay' looking at me like a deer stuck in headlights. its wierd cuz all the while I was saying we shouldnt see each other again, all I wanted to do was cup his face and kiss those lips

Ive been single out of choice for about a year and He's one of the best Ive had so far. So Im kind of worried I ruined it. I know that sounds irrational since he was the one who messed up but damn! I feel played lol.Bait and switch!

we've been dating for only two weeks though We've seen each otherabout 5/6 times and spoken every single day. We've kissed too.

 

[Endlesslegs]

Heck no, you didn't overreact!!!

I give people up to 20 minutes to make it to meand then I leave, or go about my business. It's one thing if he calls and says he is running late, but he didn't. I know he treated you well once you were together. However, if he cannot respect your time, he cannot respect you and the relationship should end.

We are all adults and should know how long it takes us to clean, cook, run errands, get to work, whatever. I don't care if he lives in Botswana, that doesn't give him the reason to consistently be late.

I know you feel bad, but consider yourself lucky that you did this now and not later.

Thanks ladies! This is exactly why I told him to bounce and thats the reason I gave my friends. Its the advice I would give anyone else too. I just miss him bizarely. I would never admit to even thinking about him to anyone else but u ladies on here lol. It would ruin my rep

 

[Lucie]

I am really hurt, I almost want to cry lol. Especially since I feel bad for making him drive down. But like you said he should be making a good impression right now. He was in every way but his timing. I wasnt about to set a standard that it is okay for me to be sat round waiting for him. His last girlfriend was a Becky so I dont know what he is used toerplexed I was furious though, absolutely fuming! I still managed to talk to him and wait for an explanation but all he said was 'okay' looking at me like a deer stuck in headlights. its wierd cuz all the while I was saying we shouldnt see each other again, all I wanted to do was cup his face and kiss those lips

Ive been single out of choice for about a year and He's one of the best Ive had so far. So Im kind of worried I ruined it. I know that sounds irrational since he was the one who messed up but damn! I feel played lol.Bait and switch!

we've been dating for only two weeks though We've seen each otherabout 5/6 times and spoken every single day. We've kissed too.

Why do you feel bad? I don't care if he drove from Mexico, that's his daggone problem. You show a man how to treat you and if you cannot stand up for your time and yourself, who will? Even if this was the year 1970, there were still payphones. It's a matter of respect. If I know I have to be somewhere at 2:00 and I will not be on time, I am not going to call you at 2:00, I will call you at 1:30 and tell you what time I will be there. It's respect. Home training even.

I know he is attractive as per what you said, but you are beautiful young woman and there are men who know how to tell time, treat you great and make it to you on time.

 

[Endlesslegs]

Why do you feel bad? I don't care if he drove from Mexico, that's his daggone problem. You show a man how to treat you and if you cannot stand up for your time and yourself, who will? Even if this was the year 1970, there were still payphones. It's a matter of respect. If I know I have to be somewhere at 2:00 and I will not be on time, I am not going to call you at 2:00, I will call you at 1:30 and tell you what time I will be there. It's respect. Home training even.

I know he is attractive as per what you said, but you are beautiful young woman and there are men who know how to tell time, treat you great and make it to you on time.

Thank you! I know this and Im grateful for your reminder ladies. x

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Heck no, you didn't overreact!!!

I give people up to 20 minutes to make it to meand then I leave, or go about my business. It's one thing if he calls and says he is running late, but he didn't. I know he treated you well once you were together. However, if he cannot respect your time, he cannot respect you and the relationship should end.

BINGO! It really has nothing to do so much with the "time" factor, as it has to do with RESPECT. If a guy cannot respect your time (It doesn't matter whether or not you had something else to do that day or not), then he cannot really respect you. Being late without so much as a phone call is just plain rude IMO. Especially 2 hours late.

If a guy is too late in coming, I wouldn't even call him. If he's not at my house at 4pm or whatever time he was supposed to be. After about 30 minutes if he's still not there, I'll just go about my business and leave the house. When he doesn't find me at home, next time he'll know that he'll have to get to my house on time if he wants to go on a date with me.

We are all adults and should know how long it takes us to clean, cook, run errands, get to work, whatever. I don't care if he lives in Botswana, that doesn't give him the reason to consistently be late.

LOL! Botswana! haha

I am really hurt, I almost want to cry lol. Especially since I feel bad for making him drive down. But like you said he should be making a good impression right now. He was in every way but his timing. I wasnt about to set a standard that it is okay for me to be sat round waiting for him.

Exactly.

Men get trained very easily, and if you train him that he can be late picking you up for dates he will ALWAYS be late. It will become a habit. But next time, if a guy is consistently late like that, and you've told before in a calm way that you don't appreciate his tardiness, just go out and make other plans if he's late again! Remember, guys understand ACTIONS better than words. Haha...hence the "deer caught in headlights" look.

Ive been single out of choice for about a year and He's one of the best Ive had so far. So Im kind of worried I ruined it. I know that sounds irrational since he was the one who messed up but damn! I feel played lol.Bait and switch!

Aww...don't feel bad. Like we said, if he REALLY likes you and wants to make things work with you, then he'll eventually call you.

If not, then oh well! His loss! He played himself if you ask me. He was the one who ruined a good thing simply because he couldn't manage his time properly. Who knows what else he "slacks" off in. Work? Family? Responsibilities??

 

[GoingNatural]

I think you reacted well. I think your follow up after that was unnecessary. You ahve to put your foot down sometimes. If he likes you then he will come back if he doesn't then he's not the one for you--instead he was just a reminder of how you should be treated (sans the tardiness)

 

[NeeSee]

Don't feel guilty for making him drive all the way to see you. If he has any sense he will allow that to be a lesson. You and your time is just as valuable as him and his. He would be late repeatedly for no valid reason and what it was basically saying was "who cares about you and your time? Me and my world are more important". So no, don't feel bad.

 

[aribell]

Do you just feel bad because you miss him? Or do you feel bad because you really do think that you may have overreacted. Since you were the one in the situation, you have the best handle on where the guy was coming from, what the circumstances were, and ultimately whether your response was reasonable. We can only infer.

That said, I do think that he was quite out of line for disrespecting your time like that. But I can also say that for some people, being on time is a thing that's hard to master. I'm not saying at all that you should just accept that from adult people. But if he's a really solid guy and you like him that much, I don't see how you would be hurting yourself to have a clear conversation about your expectations.

It seems like you did that, so that might be unwarranted at this point. But is it possible for you to give him another chance while also making it clear that timeliness matters to you enough that if the problem continues then things will be done for good? Then if he errs that way again, it clearly shows that he isn't willing to get it together enough to pursue you.

I only say this as someone who can be late sometimes. It's not a good thing, but when traveling to meet someone who's far away, I've definitely been that late before. And yeah, he would have had the right to say "nevermind," but once you're already running late, well, you can't get there any faster...even if someone calls to tell you to hurry up.

 

[antisocial]

You didn't overreact. Men who are always late or inconsistent with their timing usually have something else going on...like a wife or girlfriend that is holding them up.

Also, I would advise against telling a man that you're a virgin unless you plan on letting him take your virginity. Otherwise, that shouldn't just come up in a conversation. It's none of his business.

 

[Endlesslegs]

Does anyone else think the virginity thing might have scared him as well? He was quite nervous about that when I told him. He said he usually slept with girls before becoming 'official' look: I remember looking at him like...O'really?)but he didnt really care about not being able to have sex straight away with me since he had genuine intentions. Obviously Im not sleeping any guy until Im at least in Love and that would take time.

I dunno why I blabbed that to him, should have kept my damn mouth shut! Since he'd asked me to be his girl and I could easily see us becoming physical, I told him just so he could decide whether he could handle that or not. I guess if he said he couldnt, I would still be hurt right now soooooo ...another one bites the dust I guess.

Side topic: I feel like being a virgin can be like having an elephant in a room during a relationship. At some point it will have to be discussed, jeez! I dunno ladies, too many thoughts running through my mind now. Im the only virgin I know not for lack of male attention, but quality men. College was a big orgy that I never wanted to be a part of and now I just feel wierd that it seems like im the only one left. I get the feeling guys now want ladies who are sexually adept for relationships. Not a problem with that, I'd like to be ravaged too but in love first

 

[Endlesslegs]

Do you just feel bad because you miss him? Or do you feel bad because you really do think that you may have overreacted.

both

Since you were the one in the situation, you have the best handle on where the guy was coming from, what the circumstances were, and ultimately whether your response was reasonable. We can only infer.

I kind of feel it was a tit for tat, so reasonable in that sense. But Im not normally that cold, nor do I usually get so angry. But I was mad as hell before he got here. Although I spoke to him in a calm tone, he could tell I was mad. I guess I was worried that my anger clouded my judgement and made me appear callous and unfeeling.

That said, I do think that he was quite out of line for disrespecting your time like that. But I can also say that for some people, being on time is a thing that's hard to master. I'm not saying at all that you should just accept that from adult people. But if he's a really solid guy and you like him that much, I don't see how you would be hurting yourself to have a clear conversation about your expectations.

It seems like you did that, so that might be unwarranted at this point. But is it possible for you to give him another chance while also making it clear that timeliness matters to you enough that if the problem continues then things will be done for good? Then if he errs that way again, it clearly shows that he isn't willing to get it together enough to pursue you.

he hasn't said anything to me other than 'damn, you are evil' and 'I really didnt realise that timing would be an issue that could come between us'.

I only say this as someone who can be late sometimes. It's not a good thing, but when traveling to meet someone who's far away, I've definitely been that late before. And yeah, he would have had the right to say "nevermind," but once you're already running late, well, you can't get there any faster...even if someone calls to tell you to hurry up.

Im not the most punctual person either but I always give notice if im running late. its just coutesy. He even commented on how polite I am on our first date. So if I extend that to you, I expect the same. I couldnt believe he didnt even call to lie that he was in traffic or something

 

[Endlesslegs]

You didn't overreact. Men who are always late or inconsistent with their timing usually have something else going on...like a wife or girlfriend that is holding them up.

Also, I would advise against telling a man that you're a virgin unless you plan on letting him take your virginity. Otherwise, that shouldn't just come up in a conversation. It's none of his business.

thank you, now I know. I didnt know what to do about that since I didnt want to lead him on. He said he really hoped I could consider him as a boyfriend so I thought id tell him. Although two weeks was no where near enough, I could also see myself in a relationship with him. If we did get that far most likely i would have slept with him the more my feelings developed

 

[aribell]

.............................

 

[aribell]

Im not the most punctual person either but I always give notice if im running late. its just coutesy. He even commented on how polite I am on our first date. So if I extend that to you, I expect the same. I couldnt believe he didnt even call to lie that he was in traffic or something

I remember once a guy (the same one I showed up 1.5hrs late for) that I was really into being a half an hour late to meet me, and it being too late for us to do anything, since we both had somewhere else to be. And he was all non-chalant about it, but oooh I was so livid I could barely talk to him. And I'm the one that just said what a non-punctual person I am. Even though I'm usually laid back, his lateness upset me so much because of how into him I was. He was just doing his thing, but I took it so personally because of my feelings for him. Could there be some of that going on here?

Side topic: I feel like being a virgin can be like having an elephant in a room during a relationship. At some point it will have to be discussed, jeez! I dunno ladies, too many thoughts running through my mind now. Im the only virgin I know not for lack of male attention, but quality men. College was a big orgy that I never wanted to be a part of and now I just feel wierd that it seems like im the only one left. I get the feeling guys now want ladies who are sexually adept for relationships. Not a problem with that, I'd like to be ravaged too but in love first

You are by no means the only one left. Good for you for waiting for something quality. I'm not sure why your guy seemed nervous about it, but actually I tend not to talk about that with a lot of men because they can view that as a challenge. The wheels start turning..."hmmm...she must be repressed and needs someone to help her out" laugh...."hmmm...no one else has been with her...I could be the first." rolleyes...etc.
Either way, if his intentions are good, it shouldn't be an issue.

 

[Endlesslegs]

I remember once a guy (the same one I showed up 1.5hrs late for) that I was really into being a half an hour late to meet me, and it being too late for us to do anything, since we both had somewhere else to be. And he was all non-chalant about it, but oooh I was so livid I could barely talk to him. And I'm the one that just said what a non-punctual person I am. Even though I'm usually laid back, his lateness upset me so much because of how into him I was. He was just doing his thing, but I took it so personally because of my feelings for him. Could there be some of that going on here?

Definately, I knew he was into me since he'd backed that up with actions and words. Earlier in the day he'd gotten me to grudgingly admit I liked him and he had the nerve to turn up late...again! lol I was through. I liked him a lot but I hate nonchalance about other people's feelings, mine in particular!


You are by no means the only one left. Good for you for waiting for something quality. I'm not sure why your guy seemed nervous about it, but actually I tend not to talk about that with a lot of men because they can view that as a challenge. The wheels start turning..."hmmm...she must be repressed and needs someone to help her out" laugh...."hmmm...no one else has been with her...I could be the first." rolleyes...etc.
Either way, if his intentions are good, it shouldn't be an issue.

lool, according to him, I might have sex with him and like it and be curious to try other men if we r together long term . He also seemed nervous to possibly be my first if we got that far. Kind of made it sound like he wasn't worthy/nervous.

 

[tocktick]

Imo, if a guy sees that you're willing to consistently accept being him late, he will start slacking in other areas. Although I think you should have let it be known whilst he was on the phone, I don't think you were wrong for being pissed about him blatantly not valuing your time.

It's clear he had already reached the point where he didn't think you were bothered about his tardiness due to his "you're evil" reaction. He didn't see his lateness as an issue despite the fact you'd spoke to him about it. Iirc, one member here said that she only waited 15 mins on a guy otherwise she started going home. I think actions should back up the words with men.

Personally, it seems like in just 2 weeks you had invested a lot of emotion into dating this guy; imo, that's why you're second guessing yourself and wondering if you're the one at fault. I think 6 meetings in 2 weeks (plus talking every single day) contributed to you getting hooked so quickly. I think in the beginning limiting your contact is a good idea; it could mean the guy doesn't take you or your meetings together for granted.

 

[luvn_life]

Does anyone else think the virginity thing might have scared him as well? He was quite nervous about that when I told him. He said he usually slept with girls before becoming 'official' look: I remember looking at him like...O'really?)but he didnt really care about not being able to have sex straight away with me since he had genuine intentions. Obviously Im not sleeping any guy until Im at least in Love and that would take time.

I dunno why I blabbed that to him, should have kept my damn mouth shut! Since he'd asked me to be his girl and I could easily see us becoming physical, I told him just so he could decide whether he could handle that or not. I guess if he said he couldnt, I would still be hurt right now soooooo ...another one bites the dust I guess.

Side topic: I feel like being a virgin can be like having an elephant in a room during a relationship. At some point it will have to be discussed, jeez! I dunno ladies, too many thoughts running through my mind now. Im the only virgin I know not for lack of male attention, but quality men. College was a big orgy that I never wanted to be a part of and now I just feel wierd that it seems like im the only one left. I get the feeling guys now want ladies who are sexually adept for relationships. Not a problem with that, I'd like to be ravaged too but in love first

I hate the word virgin... It's just so played out to me. For lack of a better word right now let's say vegan LoL. I'm one as well for the same reason and I agree that it is an elephant in the room. But, I don't feel the need to talk about it until waaaay later and until we really get to know each other so that I won't feel weird telling you. I just feel that its sacred to me and you don't neeed to know my personal business until we start to make things more personal. I was waiting to be in love but then I just figured I waited this long... I might as well wait to be married.

To me, two weeks is not long enough for me to divulge that info, but if you were talking everyday things were probably moving faster than you're normally used to. But, if that did scare him away than he is definitely not the one... So, you probably did yourself a favor by ending this now while you were just smitten and not in love.

 

[nysister]

Men have various ways of showing respect...and disrespect. To hold someone's time up like that is disrespectful. Don't be surprised if he was just testing you and if trying to see how much you'd put up with. Personally I'd tell him to loose my number. There are just way too many guys out there to deal with someone that would start out treating you like that this early into a relationship.

 

[TayMac]

You didn't overreact. A date or anyone being late to meet/pick me up is a pet peeve of mine.

 

[Ms Red]

Your reaction was spot on, IMO.

Goingnatural gave good advice. 45 mins. AVG. is ridiculous.

 

[luvn_life]

Side topic: I feel like being a virgin can be like having an elephant in a room during a relationship. At some point it will have to be discussed, jeez! I dunno ladies, too many thoughts running through my mind now. Im the only virgin I know not for lack of male attention, but quality men. College was a big orgy that I never wanted to be a part of and now I just feel wierd that it seems like im the only one left. I get the feeling guys now want ladies who are sexually adept for relationships. Not a problem with that, I'd like to be ravaged too but in love first

They do, if they want a relationship based on sexual adeptness...

 

[SHEANITPRO]

NEXT! Girl you did the right thing, and don't go back! Men will only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated! If you don't mind being put first, then he will put you second, third, fourth, etc. His "negligent" behaviour will only worsen!

You deserve better!

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

There's nothing to feel sorry for.
He can't do that at work, can he?
So what makes him think he can slide by with you on that?

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Don't worry about him, you did good. You have expectations from a partner you let him know it yet he still did not care. Went out with an ex; shows me you know how to break up yet remain friends..good to have a back up.

 

[Endlesslegs]

Thanks everyone!

I've been resisting saying anything to him cuz I know its for the best. I still feel rather harsh cuz our mutual friends keep saying he was/is a nice guy. I mean I told him 'to get out of his car please' lol, one of my male friends was like he would have shut down immediately then cuz I came at him like the police lmao! I have a habit of being rash and regretting it later and he never really had a chance to speak I just walked away after saying I never wanted to see him again.

It really doesnt help that the guys showing me attention right now are just bla, bla, bla!

 

[anon123]

I think telling him to come when you had no intention of going out with him was a little harsh. Who knows why he's late, but we do know that you did that on purpose. That doesn't seem right to me. Then again, I try not to be too much into teaching somebody a lesson or playing a trick on someone to teach them a lesson. The lesson would have simply been that you don't get to go out with me. Definitely 2 1/2 hrs late is unacceptable, especially after you already told him it bothers you when he's late and it feels like he's wasting your time. When he asked if you still wanted him to come, if it really bothered me (as it does seem to for you), I would have just said to forget it, told him why, and that would have been the end of that.

Oh, and don't call him! If you are still interested, wait for him to call. If he doesn't, forget it.