I Think He's Jealous

[sj10460]

Please don't quote.

My fh is seemingly jealous of my deceased ex. I recently found out about his passing on Facebook unfortunately after the funeral.

We weren't on speaking terms prior to his death but when I learned of his passing, I felt completely numb. I don't know how he died and I'm not friends with anyone he knew. I reached out to his mother to express my condolences and I asked for the opportunity to speak with her. She responded today with her number.

I want to call her and offer any help she may need that I'm able to provide. I am deeply saddened by his lost and feel somewhat responsible for his death.

I told fh that he died and he doesn't understand why I'm mourning. Sometimes I'm perfectly fine and at the most random times, I'll cry or laugh at something that reminds me of him. I feel especially horrible because he reached out to me a few times but I didn't entertain him.

Our birthdays are a week apart and every year that we knew each other we always wished each other a happy birthday whether by calling, texting, fb or emailing. This is the first year I didn't wish him a happy birthday. He called on mine but I didn't answer.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Your FH is being insensitive. The guy is no longer here and is not a threat to the relationship. I know that some would raise an eyebrow at you feeling some kind of way, but death is big so you are allowed to mourn. FH will just need to suck it up.

Was he aware of this friend before his passing?

 

[BrownSkinPoppin]

i don't understand. Are you not supposed to be hurt by his death? At the end of the day your ex meant something to you at one point and you should be allowed to mourn.

 

[TayMac]

It is completely normal to grieve for someone you cared about in the past. I don't think his jealous feeling is that uncommon so maybe confide in a friend if you need to. And if you need the closure of speaking with his mother, I would.

The feelings from the buried memories can surprise you.

 

[sj10460]

He knows of him, not sure how much he knows. But he knows he was my first love.

Would it be inappropriate to call/visit his mother? I also plan to visit his grave before the end of the year. I don't want to sneak or be deceitful but I know my man wouldn't be okay with me doing any of the those things.

 

[LiftedUp]

I'm sorry for your loss

Something similar happened to me except it was regarding a male friend. After that experience I vowed to never stop taking to someone over resolvable issues. I forgive and live and let live.

 

[C@ssandr@]

He knows of him, not sure how much he knows. But he knows he was my first love.

Would it be inappropriate to call/visit his mother? I also plan to visit his grave before the end of the year. I don't want to sneak or be deceitful but I know my man wouldn't be okay with me doing any of the those things.

I think its quite fine. Maybe fh can go with you?

 

[sharifeh]

Sorry for this loss. That's tough. Your FH is feeling insecure. Nobody can compete with a ghost and maybe your FH is feeling that he might have to.
Hope you feel better soon!

 

[sj10460]

I think its quite fine. Maybe fh can go with you?

Nah, he ain't going to do that.

I don't know who's on this board so I can't really say too much. I think I just feel a lot of regret.

 

[Browndilocks]

In no way are you responsible for his death. Don't even entertain those thoughts. Talk to the mom if that's what you believe you need to do to let go.

I think your FH, albeit unsupportive is responding in a normal way. He's just being insecure because he's unsure of what type of door, if any, could be opened by you mourning. A lot of times when there's a death people re-evaluate large portions of their lives, which could include your relationship with him.

 

[Honey Bee]

Nah, he ain't going to do that.

I don't know who's on this board so I can't really say too much. I think I just feel a lot of regret.

Don't make it so much about him (esp cuz, from what you said, you weren't barely even speaking to him), more about the fact that somebody you knew well, your-age-ish (?), just died and how crazy it is. Make it about you. Tell him you need his strength cuz mortality

 

[sj10460]

Yea, he was only 36. I think I messed when I initially told my man of his passing. We were together when I found out and when asked what was wrong with me I said, "I just found out someone close to my heart died." I don't know why I worded it like that or how I should have responded. I guess I could have said a friend of mine but that would diminish what he was to me. Maybe I should have said friend for his ego but I feel like that would have been deceitful. How do I turn it back around and make it about me @Honey Bee

 

[ladysaraii]

Can I ask you exactly what you're expecting from your SO? Is it comfort? To grieve with you? Understanding while you're mourning?

 

[Solila]

@sj10460 I am so sorry for your loss hun! The love you had for this person was of a different type comparative to that of your FH and other people for that matter. There is no need to diminish your feelings regarding this situation because at some point in time this person played a role in the story of YOUR life. Trust, your FH will understand. You were not a blank slate when he met you and neither was he. You are entitled to be in touch with every part of the past as much as you are in touch with the present.

 

[sj10460]

Can I ask you exactly what you're expecting from your SO? Is it comfort? To grieve with you? Understanding while you're mourning?

a little compassion and empathy. He doesn't understand why I'm mourning. I think he feels if we weren't in contact then I shouldn't be so affected by his death. So I think there may be some suspicion, although that's speculation on my part.

I also don't like how he views/handles death. When my grandfather died last year he wasn't very comforting. I think his background and training has a lot to do with how he views death. I think he's unable to relate on a human level. <<<---this may be harsh but his attitude towards death is very off-putting his motto: people die every day I don't think he's ever cried over someone's death before.

 

[BrownSkinPoppin]

I have been in your shoes before. While I was away at college a guy I dated for like two seconds was shot and killed. I had just ran into him at the mall when I was home that summe and he surely tried to shoot his shot again and I was like nah. Months later I got a call that he was dead. I had known him since I was in the 8th grade so I was heartbroken. I remember bawling in the bathroom of our my apartment and the current guy I was dating was so supportive and understanding and let me have my moment. So I understand you wanting him to be there for you. Is this the first death you've experienced with him? Maybe once things have died down y'all can have a talk about how to let each other grieve

 

[sj10460]

I have been in your shoes before. While I was away at college a guy I dated for like two seconds was shot and killed. I had just ran into him at the mall when I was home that summe and he surely tried to shoot his shot again and I was like nah. Months later I got a call that he was dead. I had known him since I was in the 8th grade so I was heartbroken. I remember bawling in the bathroom of our my apartment and the current guy I was dating was so supportive and understanding and let me have my moment. So I understand you wanting him to be there for you. Is this the first death you've experienced with him? Maybe once things have died down y'all can have a talk about how to let each other grieve

This is the third death. The bold is an excellent idea. I have to figure out the right words to use so he won't become defensive. Admittedly, I'm much more sensitive and sentimental then he is.

 

[FlowerHair]

That happened to me too.

I just came to understand that this was a kind of loss I couldn't share with SO. I never speak about my dead ex with him anymore. I did a few times, but he also reacted negatively.

It's a weird jealousy, but I have to respect it. I keep my thoughts about my dead ex in my heart and "speak" to him at times. The dead ex and I hadn't been a couple in over 10 years when I met SO, so he was never any kind of threat to my relationship.

 

[BrownSkinPoppin]

This is the third death. The bold is an excellent idea. I have to figure out the right words to use so he won't become defensive. Admittedly, I'm much more sensitive and sentimental then he is.

So I would wait until this has completely died down. Like months from now. and then maybe something like "the death of friends and family can be a hard for some people. As we continue to move forward together we will experience the death of loved ones/friends/family/whoever together. Can we discuss how we want to support each other through these times." idk.

While I've never actually had this kind conversation with a SO..current SO asked me about my dad one day because he's seen lots pictures..so he knew at one point I had a dad in my life...but he's never met him, seen, or heard me mention him. So we had a convo about it. I told him he was killed sudden and tragically and I don't talk about it often. And from then on he knew not to bring it up anymore unless I did. And on fathers day when I was out of town he just sent me a text like "i'm thinking about you today"..and honestly..that's all I'll ever need him to do...as it relates to this particular situation.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I've never experienced this but a good friend was out to dinner with a large group when she saw on Facebook that an ex died about 2 months ago. She was in tears and left.
I mentioned it to DH when I got home and he couldn't understand why she was upset. She is married with 2 kids.

I think a discussion about grieving is warranted, especially since he wasn't comforting in the past.

 

[curlicarib]

This happened to me also. I saw that SO was hurt by my reaction (and my family's) so I explained to him that the I/we had known ex-SO since I was in elementary school and he was my first love.. We were back and forth until we were in our late 20s. We both moved on, but he was a great friend for the majority of my life. Luckily, he understood.

OP, after things die down talk to him and explain how you feel. Hopefully he'll understand.

 

[Honey Bee]

Yea, he was only 36. I think I messed when I initially told my man of his passing. We were together when I found out and when asked what was wrong with me I said, "I just found out someone close to my heart died." I don't know why I worded it like that or how I should have responded. I guess I could have said a friend of mine but that would diminish what he was to me. Maybe I should have said friend for his ego but I feel like that would have been deceitful. How do I turn it back around and make it about me @Honey Bee

Tell him you were so traumatized by the news that you couldn't even figure out your emotions. No, you did not still want him. If you had, you would have returned his call, right? Clearly, you're good where you are. "I guess I'm more grieving over the memory of him than the actuality of him. Does that make sense? I don't deal with death regularly, I don't know how to handle it. Do you? If so, I need you now." Snuggle, cry, fck him dramatically.

If nothing else, he'll associate this whole incident with dramatic, 'this mortal coil ' type sex. Can't hurt.

 

[FelaShrine]

now Im tempted to ask both @FlowerHair and sj the signs of their SOs

but i wont

 

[FlowerHair]

now Im tempted to ask both @FlowerHair and sj the signs of their SOs

but i wont

Lol! Scorpio with the moon in Aries

 

[lux10023]

This makes sense.

I would share this with a friend not dh or my current guy.

I am super emotional and I would NOT do well if dh was grieving over an ex.

It would be a difficult situation to be sympathetic to for more than 24 hours.

Op good luck.

That happened to me too.

I just came to understand that this was a kind of loss I couldn't share with SO. I never speak about my dead ex with him anymore. I did a few times, but he also reacted negatively.

It's a weird jealousy, but I have to respect it. I keep my thoughts about my dead ex in my heart and "speak" to him at times. The dead ex and I hadn't been a couple in over 10 years when I met SO, so he was never any kind of threat to my relationship.

 

[ladysaraii]

This makes sense.

I would share this with a friend not dh or my current guy.

I am super emotional and I would NOT do well if dh was grieving over an ex.

It would be a difficult situation to be sympathetic to for more than 24 hours.

Op good luck.

My exact thought. It's your ex, not a friend or family. I think it's too much to expect him to comfort you or be overly sympathetic. He should give you space to grieve in private.

I do think a talk down the road would be good.

 

[sj10460]

Gemini @FelaShrine

 

[Mai Tai]

OP...I am sorry for your loss. I think with men, they may think that your mourning over the death of an ex may translate to you mourning over your past love/relationship. It may not make sense to us but men process things differently. It's like "Why are you crying over him when you have me."

Not trying to disregard your pain just offering a different perspective.

 

[sj10460]

Thanks ladies.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Sorry for your loss

I mourned an ex once during a relationship. My partner acted cool with all of it and was supportive, but when I brought it up at a later date he admitted he found that period pretty difficult.

The thought of my FH crying over his ex and not responding when I reach out to him makes me feel awkward. Even though I've been in the mourning position I can imagine that a few worries might be going through his mind, even if irrational.