I really need to vent, need advice - so confused (LONG!)

[Superfly Sister]

Hey guys, I need some advice. This is going to be quite long as I want to get all the details out there, so please be patient, I apologise in advance.

So, there’s this guy that I used to date when I was 18 were where together for about 2 years. I first spotted him when I used to go in to Starbucks for a coffee on my way to school when I was 16-17 then. I knew he was a fair bit older than me but I admit I used to go in just so I could look at him Then he took another job at another branch, at this point I was in 18 in full time employment. Cut a long story short he sussed out that I liked him, he asked me out and we were together for about 2 years.

Towards the end I sensed a change in him towards me, I knew things were coming to an end but I was so completely and utterly besotted with him that I found it hard to let go. Eventually, he did that for me telling me that he loved me to pieces and how special I was to him and that he cared about me. He loved me but he wasn’t in love with me basically. It was really hard to take, it was my first serious relationship coming to an end and I will admit I didn’t quite handle myself as well as I should have. I got made at him, I still text him to ask how he was and made excuses to see him i.e. suggesting we meet up so I can get my belongings back from him.

Then I gave up, I was heartbroken and devastated. It took me a very, very long time to get over the fact that he didn’t want me anymore and he was suddenly no longer in my life. I wish I could tell you this guy was an ******* and that he lied to me, led me astray etc but the truth is, he did none of those things. When we broke up I wanted to cuss and b!tch him out so bad but I had no material to work with, so eventually I just concluded that I was no longer good enough for him and he wanted something more and it just wasn’t with me. More time passed and I just didn’t hate him at all and thought of him quite fondly. I wish I could explain it fully but he left a real lasting impression on my life, some kind of influence, it’s really quite hard for me to find the words. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting this guy on a pedestal or anything but he was really special and in a way he raised the bar in what I wanted from future relationships as well as teach me the lesson not to hang around someone who doesn’t want you the same way as you want them.

As I said I always thought of him fondly, I hoped he was happy. About 3 years ago I checked his Facebook profile, I had no intention of contacting him, I was to scared of the rejection but I always said to myself, if he were to contact me I’d spare him some time. He was with someone after all and he seemed happy and I didn’t want to intrude on that so I let it go. Last March I had another look on his profile and saw that he was engaged. I wasn’t bitter, I was more happy that he found someone that he felt he could spend his life with.

However, last May he made contact with me through Facebook. We started sending private messages back and forth for a day or two. He asked if I could meet him for dinner so I backed off, then he send a friend request which I thought was quite keen, when I accepted he said ‘is that a yes then?’ I said I’d get back to him. That night he text me asking if I had the same number I responded he replied back asking if he could call for a chat, we ended up chatting on the phone for 3 hours that night. I have to admit, I REALLY did like being at the receiving end of his keeness to see me. A lot!

When I eventually saw him a week and half later (I was buying time)… when I saw for the first time, he was so much more gorgeous than the last time I saw him, I guess 7 or so years looks good on him I was so nervous at first but within an hour it was like nothing had changed. I’ll admit I stayed over at his that night, I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I can’t say I regret it.

I’ll say at this point I knew that his engagement had come to an end. I didn’t want to pry in his business and I wasn’t under any impression that he wanted something serious from me, I was in a different place and I was fine with keeping things light and casual. In a way I was guarded and had reservations because I was so scared he’d hurt me again but I didn’t want to loose out on the opportunity of not having him in my life again. We would see each other a few times a week, spend hours talking about anything and everything, we’d go out, we’d cook for one another and this was what were doing for a couple of months. I gave him his space, respected his schedule and commitments, never made any demands from him. I never had any expectations either,

Fast-forward to the beginning of this year, he’d just comeback from a 3 week trip to visit his family, the day after he came back we met up for dinner, he told me all about his time away. The same type of evening as it has been in the past, except this time right after sex as we were falling asleep in each others arms he tells me that he feels like, after 10 years it’s time for him to go home, he wants to be there for his niece and nephew and be a part of their life and wants them to get to know him. He also felt like there was nothing keeping him here anymore. I guess at that moment I was pretty unresponsive, but a day or two later it really hit me like a train that he was thinking of leaving and again I’d be in that place where I would never see him again.

We still carried on seeing one another, on valentine’s night he was working and he apologised and we met up the next night. It was so awkward, he made me dinner, bought me champagne and a present, I really didn’t expect that to do that and I spent about a prior fortnight trying to decide whether or not to get him something so I decided not to because I assumed that’s not what we were doing.

The next time I saw him he brought up moving back again, I could sense so much sadness in what he was saying, I could see it in his eyes he was talking about it being like a grieving process. He was saying that he was find it difficult to let go of the people he cared about in order to move back, I could really see it was taking it’s toll on him and it was breaking my heart. At the same time I wanted to tell him, well I kind of feel the same way because I’m devastated that you’re wanting to go, gutted that there’s nothing for you here anymore and I give a **** about what you’re going through, my heart was so heavy over the situation and it pained me that I could be loosing him. But I didn’t because I didn’t want to add to his grief and I just listened to him, I offered advice when I felt necessary and told him I was ALWAYS here for him and I cared about him so so much.

I saw him about a fortnight later, I was so busy with work and other commitments as was he and we couldn’t co-ordinate meeting up. We met up for a drink and a catch up, as always I was really looking forward to seeing him. Our evening was going pretty swell until he said he wanted to speak to me about something. What he said was that he has a lot of things going on, things he’s struggling, a lot of things on his mind that he wanted to sort out. He said that he loves seeing me and being around me, he’s enjoyed spending the past several months getting to know me but he wants to get to know me better. He said the sex was amazing/fantastic but sometimes it’s too much and too intense and he wanted to cool things off there for a while. He loves me and respects me and loves having me in his life but yeah, we needed to slow down on sex.

Hmm… well, I honestly didn’t know what to think. For a start, I kind of objected to him telling me this in public, two, I didn’t expect him to pull away from me so soon (he wanted to move back by next June). So, I said to him that I valued him as a person, a great great friend over and above being intimate with him and in all honesty he's the one of the most wonderful people I've had the pleasure if knowing through out my whole life. I sensed he was going through something and the last thing I wanted to do was complicate things further. But I cared for him, thought the world of him, I respected his feelings and that I was cool with it. A few days later I sent him an email saying I appreciated his honesty and for the time being I was going to not contact him or see him as frequently but I was always here for him if he needed me. I said it wasn’t indefinite but we needed time apart, time for him to sort out whatever it was he was going through really.

Continued...

 

[Superfly Sister]

Days went past and I felt LOW! Really down in the dumps, I missed him so much and I was frustrated at having not told him how I really felt. His birthday was 3 weeks later and I sent him a text wishing happy birthday hoped he was having a great day. I hoped he would at least contact me to say hey at least but he didn’t. More time passed and I longed to see him, really missed his company and being around him. I eventually saw him a month ago, we were supposed to go out for lunch one Saturday but he cancelled on me at the last minute so we rearranged for dinner. I really wanted to speak to him that night, I was in such a state thinking it, we caught up but I felt that he was quite hostile towards me, I saw no window of opportunity to speak to have a heart to heart with him. We’d barely finished our food and he said he was tired and he had to go, he couldn’t even wait for the waitress to notice we were done so he went up to her to pay. It was like he couldn’t wait to get away from me. I felt so disheartened about it all. I text him the next day to tell him so, he claimed he was tired, that he was sorry and that we could have a chat the next time.



Well, that was a month ago. Yesterday when I was walking him he walked pasted me in the street….he was holding hands with another woman my heart sank. I felt so ill at what I saw. I’m so confused right now, I don’t know what to think… did he want to cool things off because he wanted to be with someone else? or was he bored with me? Did I let too much time pass?

 

[longhairlover]

I was going to say he was probably still with his fiancee maybe sowing somethings before getting married, you confirmed my thinking in the last paragraph above.

sorry about this, just remember no one is that darn confused, he acted so confused all the time. he used the moving out of town story as a back up so he'd have that reason not to respond to your emails etc.

you should've said something to him in the st. with that other woman and blew his spot up. whoever he was with deserved to know what she's getting.

sorry he put you through this emotional rollercoaster. you didn't let too much time pass by he was being a greedy cheating man. yes he wanted things to cool off because all that time he was probably still with his fiance, I don't think whomever you saw him with was a new woman. don't think he was bored w/you just already was in a relationship. remember you said on his fb page he had the status of engaged..................


don't sit back and blame yourself either.

 

[Zuleika]

Its nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Forget this guy. I know this may sound cliche, but he's just not that into you. Accept it, spare yourself the heartache. And when he calls, ignore him. Basically move on, there's nothing for you there.

 

[Rastafarai]

So sorry you're going through this Superfly, but from the get you should have known something was up when he was still willing to entertain seeing you despite being engaged. The man does not understand the true meaning of commitment or respect.

And remember, he told you how he felt from the initial break up: he was not in love with you then. His feelings have not changed. If it had, he would not have pushed you away like he had and make excuses for not being with you. He used you, my dear. You are deserving of SO much better.

Please let this guy be and cut all your ties. And next time, if he reaches out to you 2, 5, or 10 years down the line, nip it in a bud ASAP. He isn't worthy of your time or love.

((((BIG HUG))))

 

[Superfly Sister]

I was going to say he was probably still with his fiancee maybe sowing somethings before getting married, you confirmed my thinking in the last paragraph above.

sorry about this, just remember no one is that darn confused, he acted so confused all the time. he used the moving out of town story as a back up so he'd have that reason not to respond to your emails etc.

you should've said something to him in the st. with that other woman and blew his spot up. whoever he was with deserved to know what she's getting.

sorry he put you through this emotional rollercoaster. you didn't let too much time pass by he was being a greedy cheating man. yes he wanted things to cool off because all that time he was probably still with his fiance, I don't think whomever you saw him with was a new woman. don't think he was bored w/you just already was in a relationship. remember you said on his fb page he had the status of engaged..................

don't sit back and blame yourself either.

So sorry for not explaining more clearly, the 2-3 months between me last checking his FB and him contacting me I believe the engagement came to an end. When he contacted me his status said single. I don't know why it ended because, as I said, I didn't want to pry in his business like that or in his past. So it looks like this

Last March - he was engaged
Last May - he contacted me and he was single
January 2010 - He returns back and mentions that he feels like he wants to move back
Febuary 2010 - I don't want to say he was depressed about what he was going to do but it wasn't far off.
March 2010 - That's when he wanted to cool things
May 2010 - the first time I saw him since March and it was incredible awkward and left me feeling upset.
June 2010 - yesterday was when I saw him walking hand in hand with the woman that wasn't his fiance.

There's a part of me that wonders if he used the moving away story as a way of either letting me go gently because his interest were elsewhere or to provoke a reaction out of me. I think it's the latter, I DID react, but it was an internal reaction, I didn't want him to know that what he was saying was really bothering me in an intense way. I honestly have no idea what Valentines was about... but after that, that's when he told me he wanted to REALLY get to know me. I thought I was doing a good thing by giving him his time and space and perhaps he thinks that's my way of telling I couldn't care less, he couldn't be more wrong!

I really should have called him out when I saw him yesterday, huh? It wasn't his fiance, I've seen pics of her to know what she looks like, which I might add, have since been deleted and removed.

Its nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Forget this guy. I know this may sound cliche, but he's just not that into you. Accept it, spare yourself the heartache. And when he calls, ignore him. Basically move on, there's nothing for you there.

Do you know what... I'm starting to think that also. I think he KNEW how much I adored and loved him and maybe that's what he wanted in his life after his breakup. Someone to make him feel good and wanted, maybe he can't stand being alone. He's 40 next year, he should know better and I think he's dated enough times to know how to treat and NOT treat a woman that genuinly cares about him. Personally, I don't use people I love and care about, I'm not so sure about him now.

So sorry you're going through this Superfly, but from the get you should have known something was up when he was still willing to entertain seeing you despite being engaged. The man does not understand the true meaning of commitment or respect.

And remember, he told you how he felt from the initial break up: he was not in love with you then. His feelings have not changed. If it had, he would not have pushed you away like he had and make excuses for not being with you. He used you, my dear. You are deserving of SO much better.

Please let this guy be and cut all your ties. And next time, if he reaches out to you 2, 5, or 10 years down the line, nip it in a bud ASAP. He isn't worthy of your time or love.

((((BIG HUG))))

My gut feeling is that he's A) a commitmentphobe. B) He wanted me to chase him C) he gets some kind of kick out of being this way. But like I said, I had my reservations and I went in to this with a guarded heart anticipating it would happen again and I guess I didn't really expect much from him since he'd come out of a serious relationship 2-3 months is a short time to go from an engagement to another relationship IMO but not everyone thinks that way. It's not so much that I would just 'settle' for anything or he's better than nothing, I genuinely do love his company and being around him.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond ladies. I would talk to a friend about it but I can't help but feel a little embarrased and foolish as to what's happened.

 

[ThickHair]

I guess you figured out where he was on Valentine's day.

You did nothing wrong, but you said it was very casual. Sex and casual for woman do not mesh well. I agree with the poster who said he was sowing his oats before settling down with the other woman.

You sound like a very loving and caring person, so I think you will be alright.

 

[ThickHair]

Do you know what... I'm starting to think that also. I think he KNEW how much I adored and loved him and maybe that's what he wanted in his life after his breakup. Someone to make him feel good and wanted, maybe he can't stand being alone. He's 40 next year, he should know better and I think he's dated enough times to know how to treat and NOT treat a woman that genuinly cares about him. Personally, I don't use people I love and care about, I'm not so sure about him now.

I am not coming down on you and trying to blame the victim, but you knew what was up. You kept it light and casual and was sexing him while you were well aware that you two did not have a relationship nor have made a commitment to each other. In all honesty if you would have checked yourself, you wouldn't have fell this deep into him. He only did what you allowed him to do.

 

[Superfly Sister]

I am not coming down on you and trying to blame the victim, but you knew what was up. You kept it light and casual and was sexing him while you were well aware that you two did not have a relationship nor have made a commitment to each other. In all honesty if you would have checked yourself, you wouldn't have fell this deep into him. He only did what you allowed him to do.

No, not coming down hard at all. I appreciate the honesty, I wouldn't have posted EVERYTHING had I not wanted a perspective like that. Thank you.

 

[Bunny77]

Will come back and say a little more, but I will say that you should NOT have said anything to him when he was with the other woman. I'm glad you didn't.

All that would have accomplished was YOU looking like a fool, even if you had a right to be upset.

Sometimes we need to know when to cut our losses and move on. All of this "telling a man about himself" mess does nothing except make a woman look really silly and rather desperate.

Oh, and I agree with ThickHair.

 

[MissYocairis]

I'm so sorry this happened, OP. I know it's gotta hurt like hell.

• He's a jerk because he knows how you feel for him and he took that for granted. He knew he was using you as an "in the meantime" girl, yet he continued to accept the gifts (your companionship, adoration and body).
  
• He used moving as an excuse because he wants to be with someone else and did not want to hurt your feelings or seem callous by saying, "I've found someone else."
  
• He also made it exceedingly easy for himself to do this by never committing to you this time around. You guys were always "just friends" this time around even though there were "benefits" that went along with it. That made it easy for him to rationalize his actions...he didn't owe you.
  
• No man turns down an intense sex life because it's too intense. He did that because she's demanding that they become exclusive or she's out. You need to be sure to do the same from here on out with every man you consider becoming intimate with. I don't care how long you've known him.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

you were used. you should have known something was up if you say he was engaged in march and then contacted you only two months later in may. somewhere in your head you should of thought he's either a) still engaged, or b) youre just a rebound if he was just engaged two months ago. maybe its karma considering you knew your feelings for him but still chose to private message him back and forth and meet up with him knowing there was a chance he had a fiance, because as your original post stated, "I’ll say at this point I knew that his engagement had come to an end. I didn’t want to pry in his business..." you never actually stated that you cared to ask or that he directly told you he was broken up with his fiancee.

 

[ambergirl]

I totally understand why you gave things with him another try, but I don't think the situation is very confusing. He ended a relationship, he wanted a fall back thing and he likes you so that why he contacted you but was always open to someone else coming in to his life, he probably spent Valentine's Day with someone else and not working, and now you saw him with this chick.

I know it hurts like h*ll but the truth is he's just not that into you. Time to cut all contact and ties and move on

 

[Xerxes]

we needed to slow down on sex.



Once he said that ish right there, you should have realized it was a wrap!

No man turns down free p*$$#.

Girl, you aren't in love, you're obsessed and it happens to the best of us. We can't help you, you have to help yourself realize how pathetic this situation is and promise yourself to be wiser in the future.

 

[chocolat79]

Sorry OP that this happened. I agree with the other posts and wanted to add my $.02. I agree that you were just the "filler" between his past rlp and his current rlp, unfortunately. He had history with you and he knew how you felt about him or at least hoped you'd still feel the same way and when you responded positively to his advances, he was set. It allowed him to be in the company of someone he knew and liked and didn't have to waste time on getting to know someone else and STILL not have a commitment. At some point while with you, he met someone whom he was interested in. He was still able to carry on his "situation" with you while getting to know this other woman better.

The fact of him mentioning moving (repeatedly) did two things:
1) Let you know that he wasn't a permanent fixture in your life and to expect no future with him, ESPECIALLY since he said there was nothing keeping him there (ouch!)

2) He probably hoped you would pick up on that (the above) and leave him alone...when that didn't work, he had to up the ante and pull away himself, because obviously things were progressing well with the other woman

He basically was trying not to look like the jerk, like most men.

Like ThickHair mentioned, sex and casual for women don't mesh well and I'll add to that and say especially if feelings are involved, unresolved, dormant or what have you.

Just learn from this, and keep it moving...He was a jerk, but you allowed yourself to get played. Lesson learned.

 

[Superfly Sister]

Will come back and say a little more, but I will say that you should NOT have said anything to him when he was with the other woman. I'm glad you didn't.

All that would have accomplished was YOU looking like a fool, even if you had a right to be upset.

Sometimes we need to know when to cut our losses and move on. All of this "telling a man about himself" mess does nothing except make a woman look really silly and rather desperate.

Oh, and I agree with ThickHair.

Very true. Thank you.

I'm so sorry this happened, OP. I know it's gotta hurt like hell.

• He's a jerk because he knows how you feel for him and he took that for granted. He knew he was using you as an "in the meantime" girl, yet he continued to accept the gifts (your companionship, adoration and body).
  
• He used moving as an excuse because he wants to be with someone else and did not want to hurt your feelings or seem callous by saying, "I've found someone else."
  
• He also made it exceedingly easy for himself to do this by never committing to you this time around. You guys were always "just friends" this time around even though there were "benefits" that went along with it. That made it easy for him to rationalize his actions...he didn't owe you.
  
• No man turns down an intense sex life because it's too intense. He did that because she's demanding that they become exclusive or she's out. You need to be sure to do the same from here on out with every man you consider becoming intimate with. I don't care how long you've known him.

I agree with all your points, I appreciate that, thank you.

you were used. you should have known something was up if you say he was engaged in march and then contacted you only two months later in may. somewhere in your head you should of thought he's either a) still engaged, or b) youre just a rebound if he was just engaged two months ago. maybe its karma considering you knew your feelings for him but still chose to private message him back and forth and meet up with him knowing there was a chance he had a fiance, because as your original post stated, "I’ll say at this point I knew that his engagement had come to an end. I didn’t want to pry in his business..." you never actually stated that you cared to ask or that he directly told you he was broken up with his fiancee.

Indeed, I knew better and I should have gone with it or at least asked him directly..

I totally understand why you gave things with him another try, but I don't think the situation is very confusing. He ended a relationship, he wanted a fall back thing and he likes you so that why he contacted you but was always open to someone else coming in to his life, he probably spent Valentine's Day with someone else and not working, and now you saw him with this chick.

I know it hurts like h*ll but the truth is he's just not that into you. Time to cut all contact and ties and move on

I agree with the first part of what you're saying.
As for spending time with someone else on Valentine's night, I actually spoke to him twice that night, not on his mobile, at work where his staff put me through to him I called him to pass to give him some details. I'm not justifying not seeing him on that day but I will say in his line of work (resturant manager) Valentine's night is one of the busiest times of the year, as is Christmas and all through out the summer period. Not to say there's not a possibility during the day though... I shouldn't rule it out.

we needed to slow down on sex.

Once he said that ish right there, you should have realized it was a wrap!

No man turns down free p*$$#.

Girl, you aren't in love, you're obsessed and it happens to the best of us. We can't help you, you have to help yourself realize how pathetic this situation is and promise yourself to be wiser in the future.

Perhaps I should have instead of sending him a courtious email telling him I understood what he's saying, I actually do care and that I'll get back to him eventually. I don't suppose it matters that he responded to that email the next day does it? What it said was, he wanted to see me again and understood why I made the decision, I was to let him know when I wanted to see him again to talk it out.

No, you're right. No man turns it down. I really am not to the type to put it about, honest I'm not. Instead of wanting to find out why or feeling undesirable I should let it go and perhaps conclude he was persuing someone else.

---------------------------------

Update

He text me this afternoon saying sorry for ignoring me yesterday and it was an awkward moment, do I have any free time to meet him this week, he wants to come over to mine. ohwell:

Gut feeling tells me I should text him to tell it's not a good idea right now... but maybe now's my opportunity to put an end to this once and for all and put him in his place?

 

[cheetarah1980]

Update

He text me this afternoon saying sorry for ignoring me yesterday and it was an awkward moment, do I have any free time to meet him this week, he wants to come over to mine. ohwell:

Gut feeling tells me I should text him to tell it's not a good idea right now... but maybe now's my opportunity to put an end to this once and for all and put him in his place?

There is no need to put him in his place. You know what the deal is. He's with someone else and he isn't committing to a relationship with you. What else is there to say. Plus, texting after he got caught is very passive and he's probably just testing the waters to see if you're still speaking to him. If he really wanted to talk to you then he wuold have called or came by. My advice is to erase his text without responding. There's no need to engage any further unless you want to get sucked into this situation even more. You can get closure all by yourself.

 

[Xerxes]

Update

He text me this afternoon saying sorry for ignoring me yesterday and it was an awkward moment, do I have any free time to meet him this week, he wants to come over to mine. ohwell:

Gut feeling tells me I should text him to tell it's not a good idea right now... but maybe now's my opportunity to put an end to this once and for all and put him in his place?[/QUOTE]

Don't do it! Just delete his number and KIM! Everytime you talk to him, you inflate his little ego.

But if you do give in and talk to him, please keep posting the updates. This is actually fun.

 

[brownelovely]

Forget this dude.

You sound like your a loving and caring person...as wonderful as you may have thought he was, he obviously isn't. He was looking for a fling (hate to say that to you) and once he figured out what he wanted to do then you were no longer of any use to him.

Be glad you saw him with the other woman...now you can erase any thoughts of being with him in the future. I know that will take a while but at least you saw that with your own eyes and you now know he was lying and misleading you.

You didn't do anything wrong, there was NOTHING you could have said to change this situation. He was in the midst of something with his other relationship and decided on a whim that he wanted something else...well, with men it's never that simple. He wanted his cake, ice cream, extra frosting, and what ever the hell else he could get.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Oh wow.....there's so much I want to say about this situation....

Where do I begin?

Okay first of all....I'm so sorry to read this story and see what you went through Superfly. None of us should have to go through something like this. I sincerely believe that this man showed you his true colors, and trust me...you can do SO much better.

NOW....

I'm going to put the warning signs and red flags in BOLD below.... Because this man was giving you signs all along that he was not worth your time.

Towards the end I sensed a change in him towards me, I knew things were coming to an end but I was so completely and utterly besotted with him that I found it hard to let go. Eventually, he did that for me telling me that he loved me to pieces and how special I was to him and that he cared about me. He loved me but he wasn’t in love with me basically.

Trust me....when a man tells you that he "loves" you, but that he's not "IN love" with you....BELIEVE HIM! 9 times out of 10 he is telling you the God honest truth. And nothing a woman can do can MAKE a man change his mind. He has to be in love with you to want a relationship with you.

Last March I had another look on his profile and saw that he was engaged. I wasn’t bitter, I was more happy that he found someone that he felt he could spend his life with.

However, last May he made contact with me through Facebook. We started sending private messages back and forth for a day or two. He asked if I could meet him for dinner .......

This right here tells me what kind of person this man is. NO man who is engaged should be contacting another single woman who he used to date (or another single woman PERIOD!) to ask her out for dinner. NO if's, and's, or but's.

We would see each other a few times a week, spend hours talking about anything and everything, we’d go out, we’d cook for one another and this was what were doing for a couple of months. I gave him his space, respected his schedule and commitments, never made any demands from him. I never had any expectations either

No no no....sweetie, don't take on the "wifey" role with a man who hasn't even made you his committed girlfriend or fiancee yet. Men will treat you the way you treat yourself. They will get away with whatever you let them get away with. And they will TAKE whatever you're willing to give them.

he tells me that he feels like, after 10 years it’s time for him to go home, he wants to be there for his niece and nephew and be a part of their life and wants them to get to know him. He also felt like there was nothing keeping him here anymore.

Puh-leeze! That's the sorriest excuse I've ever heard. He can wife you and ask you to move with him. What a jerk.

We still carried on seeing one another, on valentine’s night he was working and he apologised and we met up the next night. It was so awkward, he made me dinner, bought me champagne and a present, I really didn’t expect that to do that and I spent about a prior fortnight trying to decide whether or not to get him something so I decided not to because I assumed that’s not what we were doing.


I saw him about a fortnight later, I was so busy with work and other commitments as was he and we couldn’t co-ordinate meeting up. We met up for a drink and a catch up, as always I was really looking forward to seeing him. Our evening was going pretty swell until he said he wanted to speak to me about something. What he said was that he has a lot of things going on, things he’s struggling, a lot of things on his mind that he wanted to sort out. He said that he loves seeing me and being around me, he’s enjoyed spending the past several months getting to know me but he wants to get to know me better. He said the sex was amazing/fantastic but sometimes it’s too much and too intense and he wanted to cool things off there for a while. He loves me and respects me and loves having me in his life but yeah, we needed to slow down on sex.

Excuses.....

I eventually saw him a month ago, we were supposed to go out for lunch one Saturday but he cancelled on me at the last minute so we rearranged for dinner. I really wanted to speak to him that night, I was in such a state thinking it, we caught up but I felt that he was quite hostile towards me, I saw no window of opportunity to speak to have a heart to heart with him. We’d barely finished our food and he said he was tired and he had to go, he couldn’t even wait for the waitress to notice we were done so he went up to her to pay. It was like he couldn’t wait to get away from me. I felt so disheartened about it all. I text him the next day to tell him so, he claimed he was tired, that he was sorry and that we could have a chat the next time.


Well, that was a month ago. Yesterday when I was walking him he walked pasted me in the street….he was holding hands with another woman my heart sank. I felt so ill at what I saw.

What a low-life.

His character was shown when he asked you for a date while he was still engaged. Unless I'm reading the story wrong, he asked you out to dinner while he was still engaged.

I’m so confused right now, I don’t know what to think… did he want to cool things off because he wanted to be with someone else? or was he bored with me? Did I let too much time pass?

No sweetie...stop beating yourself up. You did NOTHING wrong. HE was the one in the wrong for leading you on. You just learned a lot of valuable lessons about men/relationships/life in general. Next time just know that if a man is asking you out or he's trying to sleep with you and he's still ENGAGED, then he's a jerk and a player. And if you allow this to continue, he won't respect you. Men don't respect women who don't put up clear boundaries. He did all of these things because you allowed him too.

Honestly, I really think you were in love with the "facade" or the potential of what he COULD be, and not really him...if that makes any sense???

I am not coming down on you and trying to blame the victim, but you knew what was up. You kept it light and casual and was sexing him while you were well aware that you two did not have a relationship nor have made a commitment to each other. In all honesty if you would have checked yourself, you wouldn't have fell this deep into him. He only did what you allowed him to do.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I agree with ThickHair too. Honestly, men will only do what you ALLOW them to do. A man can sense what he can get away with by starting out slowly and gradually pushing the envelope.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bottom Line: The man who is the RIGHT man for you won't be making excuses as to why he can't be with you or why he can't see you. If anything, he'll be making excuses in order to see you, spend more time with you, be around you, etc.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Update

He text me this afternoon saying sorry for ignoring me yesterday and it was an awkward moment, do I have any free time to meet him this week, he wants to come over to mine. ohwell:

Gut feeling tells me I should text him to tell it's not a good idea right now... but maybe now's my opportunity to put an end to this once and for all and put him in his place?

You're kidding me?? He's STILL trying to play two women?? Ugh...


Honey, I wouldn't even respond to that silly text. He wants to come over to your house? Ha....again...probably just wants to catch you in a vulnerable spot so that he can try and sweet talk you and do goodness knows what else.

I would delete his number, and KIM.

If you do have to respond with something I would simply say:

"I'm not sure what the point of us meeting or talking would be. You made your choice, and I've made mine. I'm too busy having fun meeting men who are truly into me and want to have a real relationship with me to be concerned with you. Take care!"

 

[itismehmmkay]

Well, that was a month ago. Yesterday when I was walking him he walked pasted me in the street….he was holding hands with another woman my heart sank. I felt so ill at what I saw. I’m so confused right now, I don’t know what to think… did he want to cool things off because he wanted to be with someone else? or was he bored with me? Did I let too much time pass?

My advise is to go by this feeling right here in the bolded. Do not be confused and move on sweetie.

 

[aribell]

Ouch...that sucks. But I'm curious. Why did you insist that things were casual when you had deeper feelings for him? You said you didn't have any expectations of him nor did you put any demands on him, but why not? At least to clarify his intentions toward you? He's the one who went after you, after all.

 

[brownelovely]

To respond to your update OP...

I know it's not as easy to just move on without saying what you have to say so meet him in a public place if you do want to get some things off your chest. Don't let that man come to your house.

Did he see you when he was with the other woman? What in the world would make him think that ya'll are still cool like that? I'd say what I have to say and let him know that I was moving on from this situation. You're better than this OP.

 

[ThickHair]

^^Sometimes folks don't need to have the last word. In this case she does not need to have the last word. She has closure, her saying something will not change anything.

 

[hopeful]

Please don't respond to his text. Move on now. Cut him loose. He is a user. He is not a great person or a wonderful friend. He is jerk.

 

[brownelovely]

^^Sometimes folks don't need to have the last word. In this case she does not need to have the last word. She has closure, her saying something will not change anything.

That's true..but if she feels like that's what it going to take for HER to move on then she should so she doesn't feel the need to explain/talk to him should he continue contacting her. That may provide closure for her, who knows.

 

[longhairlover]

ok it wasn't his fiancee.

fb is tricky, you can't believe everything a person puts on there, a person can be whomever they want on the net.

I have ex's on fb where one day they are engaged the next they are single, they do this pettiness if they are having issues with their woman,

I also have women friends that do this as well. One of my old associates from school. She gets mad at her man and her status is updated to single they work it out it goes back to relationship just a mess.

The classic "relocating" story that has been used for yrs by both men and women is a great escape from becoming involved with someone, you can keep them at a distance, you said he was back and forth with his story of leaving, staying blah blah blah.

So if he decided to go on with someone else or whatever he already plotted that "relocating" story.

You are grown now and you have to be very wise with these men they are tricky, I use to be tricked alot when I was younger when answers were right in my face about a no good man.

He did you wrong in the past, you should've never given him a 2nd chance not even as a friend, guys that have done me wrong in the past would never be able to get a hello from me ever!

Please stop stressing yourself about it, it really wasn't a relationship take it as good sex and move on don't let this tarnish your heart either for when a good guy does come along.

So sorry for not explaining more clearly, the 2-3 months between me last checking his FB and him contacting me I believe the engagement came to an end. When he contacted me his status said single. I don't know why it ended because, as I said, I didn't want to pry in his business like that or in his past. So it looks like this

Last March - he was engaged
Last May - he contacted me and he was single
January 2010 - He returns back and mentions that he feels like he wants to move back
Febuary 2010 - I don't want to say he was depressed about what he was going to do but it wasn't far off.
March 2010 - That's when he wanted to cool things
May 2010 - the first time I saw him since March and it was incredible awkward and left me feeling upset.
June 2010 - yesterday was when I saw him walking hand in hand with the woman that wasn't his fiance.

There's a part of me that wonders if he used the moving away story as a way of either letting me go gently because his interest were elsewhere or to provoke a reaction out of me. I think it's the latter, I DID react, but it was an internal reaction, I didn't want him to know that what he was saying was really bothering me in an intense way. I honestly have no idea what Valentines was about... but after that, that's when he told me he wanted to REALLY get to know me. I thought I was doing a good thing by giving him his time and space and perhaps he thinks that's my way of telling I couldn't care less, he couldn't be more wrong!

I really should have called him out when I saw him yesterday, huh? It wasn't his fiance, I've seen pics of her to know what she looks like, which I might add, have since been deleted and removed.




Do you know what... I'm starting to think that also. I think he KNEW how much I adored and loved him and maybe that's what he wanted in his life after his breakup. Someone to make him feel good and wanted, maybe he can't stand being alone. He's 40 next year, he should know better and I think he's dated enough times to know how to treat and NOT treat a woman that genuinly cares about him. Personally, I don't use people I love and care about, I'm not so sure about him now.



My gut feeling is that he's A) a commitmentphobe. B) He wanted me to chase him C) he gets some kind of kick out of being this way. But like I said, I had my reservations and I went in to this with a guarded heart anticipating it would happen again and I guess I didn't really expect much from him since he'd come out of a serious relationship 2-3 months is a short time to go from an engagement to another relationship IMO but not everyone thinks that way. It's not so much that I would just 'settle' for anything or he's better than nothing, I genuinely do love his company and being around him.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond ladies. I would talk to a friend about it but I can't help but feel a little embarrased and foolish as to what's happened.

 

[allygreeneyes]

(((HUGS))) to you.
This guy is a LOSER and the quicker you realise this the better. I was in the same situation recently and once I put it my head and realised what his game was, he now does not even warrant a thought in my head. It will be hard but move on - seriously. You are absolutely gawgess and you are wasting your time with this jerk-off..........Girl Please!

And believe me, men can never have too much sex - that was your cue right there.

 

[Bmack]

Babe, sometimes the last word is not even worth it, because the man is not worth it. I would suggest that you just opt out.


I know how it feels to be tricked and the feeling hurts like HEEEELLLLLLLL, but it won't last forever. Your heart hurts, but your still alive and beautiful and intelligent. you should not have to convince him of your feelings. You did nothing wrong! Your worth so much more. Please keep this in mind.