I never get the guys I really want

[NinasLongAmbition]

Thank you to everyone who commented in this thread, every bit of advice has helped me. I feel much better today and will continue working on me and refine my dating skills.

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

My sense is that if guys are constantly doing dirty things to you, it us because they feel that they're choosing you and you're not making them show their worth to you. Like they've decided about you, and you accepted whatever decision they proposed (often they don't even tell you) without really assessing them.

I think most men want sex. Period. Even if they're genuinely interested as well, they likely find you hot and would not turn down being in bed with you. Accepting that as a fact is quite liberating, I think. Because you can think: there are many tiers of attraction and connection.

Tier 1 for them is to find you hot and to want to sleep with you. No sense in either being flattered or appalled by this (both are 2 extreme positions). They feel that way about many women, generally. I'd say: probably best to be ambivalent about this... IMO.

Tier 2 is once they get to know you and begin to enjoy your personality.

Tier 3 is when the connection is deepening, and you're getting a sense of mutual understanding and the feeling that you might like to have this person in your life as more than a mere acquaintance.

I'm making this up as I write, so I don't know what the other tiers are But, in essence, if a woman is interacting with a man while he is at T1, she is likely to get hurt if she's interested in something more. There are men who are only interested in staying at that base level, and that's their prerogative, but it doesn't have to be yours. You can just push to have interactions to see if you will both eventually end up at T2. Even at that point, committing emotionally or physically is too soon. If you're approaching T3 and he's still at T1, now that's an epic disaster.

Where was I going with this? I think sometimes it is the woman who has to drive the deepening of the relationship... in a subtle way. Like, the man continues to ask you out (so he's pursuing) and you're in charge of driving the direction of your interactions with him on those dates... specifically the conversations you end up having together.

You can't be passive in developing the kind of relationship you want. Because by continuing to ask you out, a man is showing that he's made a decision about you. On your end, you need to decide whether you're buying what he's selling... and maybe he needs to see that too. Make him have tough conversations that make him reflect on who he is and what he has to offer (I'm giving very biased advice here at this point)... so that he sees that you're not just going on dates with him because he asked and because you needed something to do, but that there is a purpose to all of it. You are not easily won over.

I have acquaintances who are always telling me about how some man seduced them. And sadly, these friends are frequently heartbroken (1 in particular). I've been in their shoes before (1 really bad year in particular). What I think those friends fail to realize is that they let themselves be chosen by these men, and they don't do any actual choosing themselves. Men are choosing them on a sexual basis, and they're not requiring men to move beyond T1 with them.

They're flattered at what's happening at T1 thinking it is an indication of future commitment. False. They're passive and don't know how to set boundaries. They're not even women who are too nice. In fact, I wish they would use some of their b!tchy sides in their relationships. They're not self-protective.

Learn to be open and to flirt (to make more men approach you), and then develop your assertive skills so that you can weed out the ones who want to stay at T1. Then, learn to have good and meaningful conversations on your dates. All the Rules BS about "all you have to do is show up and be pretty" is total BS. You'll end up being good at going on dates and NOT at getting into a relationship doing that. Make men think about what they're offering to you (especially on an intangible level).

Good luck!

/ends armchair philosophy

CarLiTa..This is good stuff right here, I will implement this when I date again.

 

[melissa-bee]

Hi, I had a similar problem earlier on this year. I had not been approached by any guys in over three years and I was getting depressed about it. I know I'm not unattractive although I can be a bit standoffish but I didn't know what the problem was. I read a book called Solving Single by G.L Lambert and it really changed the way I viewed dating and interacting with men.

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

melissa-bee can you give me some cliff notes or what you took away from that book?

 

[melissa-bee]

melissa-bee can you give me some cliff notes or what you took away from that book?

The book stresses showcasing your personality, charm and charisma. It talks about woman making the first move but in a non aggressive way, like what has been mentioned in this thread. For me, it has shown where I went wrong in my past relationships and why men have behaved in a certain way to me. It's written by a black man so it's a bit too down to earth sometimes there's some bad language. It tells you how to flirt and reminds you men are humans too who also fear rejection.
If you have kindle take a look at the sample from amazon. In fact the writer has a blog called black girls are easy and apparently a lot of the older content was put in the book. So maybe take a look at the blog. I read the book first and then the blog.

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

melissa-bee I was reading the blog about not putting all your eggs in one basket that's fine and dandy but how can I even do that if there are not many "baskets".LOL Where are people finding lots of quality men to date?

 

[BGT]

Read this book. In fact, I need to read it again.

http://genuineperverts.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/why-do-men-love-b!itches.pdf

Take out the !. Only way I could put in the link

 

[melissa-bee]

melissa-bee I was reading the blog about not putting all your eggs in one basket that's fine and dandy but how can I even do that if there are not many "baskets".LOL Where are people finding lots of quality men to date?

Lol that is true. But the book puts things in order which is why I suggested the book first. Also try this book: Sex Secrets Of An American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man I haven't read it cover to cover but there's good info in there. It's not available on kindle so had to get the paperback but glad I did. Why men loves *****es is a good book too but then again you have to find the men first.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

All of the book recommendations are good....especially "WMLB". I love that book lol!


I'd also like to recommend the book "Get the Guy" by Matthew Hussey. I just downloaded it to my Kindle a couple of months ago. Let me tell you, this book changed my ENTIRE life.



Get The Guy

It's been getting rave reviews on Amazon.com.

I like Matthew Hussey, and I've seen quite a few of his videos on YouTube. I like the fact that his relationship advice to women isn't brash, focusing on women's looks, or telling women what they're doing wrong......like so many OTHER relationship books written by MEN tend to do...

I find that his advice is SPOT on. I'm only about half-way through his book, but already I feel MUCH more confident that I will be able to attract the type of guy that I want in the future.

 

[caribeandiva]

Crystalicequeen123 Who are you and what did you do with crystalicequeen123? I thought you were a hardcore rules girl like me

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@Crystalicequeen123 Who are you and what did you do with crystalicequeen123? I thought you were a hardcore rules girl like me

caribeandiva

LOL!!!!

Girl, I WAS a hardcore "Rules Girl" until I realized that doing "The Rules" was only getting me guys who played games, guys who were all about "the chase", guys who I wasn't interested in at all , or WORSE....NO guys at all!!!

So yeah....I've stopped doing "The Rules" hardcore and have jumped on the Matthew Hussey train lol. I think his advice is more balanced and more "up-to-date" for more "modern" women. The more updated "Rules" book is good, and I think they loosened up a LITTLE bit lol.

Don't get me wrong, I still do SOME facet of the "Rules".... I get dressed up and put my best self forward when I go out, I try to look cute, I don't "chase" after guys, and I try to have a FULL and active social life.

But at the same time, I think this business of never smiling or even LOOKING at a man first is VERY counterintuitive in the long run.... SOME men are actually eyeing you from afar and are just waiting or the "Green Light" from you to approach. I think back in the 80s or early 90s (around the time "The Rules" was written) things were a little different. For one, we don't have "answering machines anymore... LOL!! So, a LOT of things have changed.

Men have remained pretty much the same in the fact that they like to be the pursuer, but what I'm learning from Matthew's book is that a lot of times WOMEN are the ones who choose the man.... the man just THINKS he did the choosing.

He refers to it as "handkerchief dropping"

So, I've been taking some tips from his book, because I don't want to just end up with ANYBODY...I want someone that I'm genuinely attracted to and excited about. Even if he turns out to be a dud, at least I can say "NEXT!!" and move on to the next lol.

I've really been enjoying his book, and I like his style of writing! I think every woman should check it out if not just to get some tips here and there.

 

[caribeandiva]

I read Matthew Hussey's book. I really like it. It was a revelation to me that men don't approach the women they really like. They would rather talk to the one they like less because it's easier for them. I figured they weren't talking to me because they didn't like me (they just started a lot from afar).

Like you, Crystalicequeen123, I don't have problems having male attention. My friends calls me a man magnet. I'm very outgoing so i am always talking to people. It comes naturally to me. In fact Matthew's book says to go out and start conversations with men as much as you can. I realize I already do that but it's usually with men i'm not interested in, never the super hot ones. And here I was wondering why I usually have all these men in love with me who i'm not interested in. This makes sense. By ignoring the hot guys I was unwittingly closing myself off to them. It gave off the vibe that i was either taken or not interested. It's hard to approach someone who is not giving you any signal at all that it's safe to come over. Some guys will approach anyway but those tend to be the player type who've done this so much that it's comfortable for them.

I can't say I like this little revelation because it means more work for me dammit! For the past few months I've been forcing myself to make more eye contact with cute guys and smile (my way of giving them the green light). It's nerve racking lemme tell you! I can suddenly empathize with men .

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I read Matthew Hussey's book. I really like it. It was a revelation to me that men don't approach the women they really like. They would rather talk to the one they like less because it's easier for them. I figured they weren't talking to me because they didn't like me (they just started a lot from afar).

Like you, @Crystalicequeen123, I don't have problems having male attention. My friends calls me a man magnet. I'm very outgoing so i am always talking to people. It comes naturally to me. In fact Matthew's book says to go out and start conversations with men as much as you can. I realize I already do that but it's usually with men i'm not interested in, never the super hot ones. And here I was wondering why I usually have all these men in love with me who i'm not interested in. This makes sense. By ignoring the hot guys I was unwittingly closing myself off to them. It gave off the vibe that i was either taken or not interested. It's hard to approach someone who is not giving you any signal at all that it's safe to come over. Some guys will approach anyway but those tend to be the player type who've done this so much that it's comfortable for them.

I can't say I like this little revelation because it means more work for me dammit! For the past few months I've been forcing myself to make more eye contact with cute guys and smile (my way of giving them the green light). It's nerve racking lemme tell you! I can suddenly empathize with men .

caribeandiva

Yea girl...I REALLY REALLY like Matthew Hussey's book. It was like a huge epiphany!!! I used to wonder too why guys that I had no interest in always ended up liking me and why guys who I actually found attractive never made a move lol.

I used to "ignore" the guys I actually had a interest in (thinking: "if he's REALLY into me, he'll come over to approach ME ), and be chatty, open, playful, and outgoing around guys who I just saw as "friends". Duh..... It makes sense lol!

Regarding your second bolded.....
I don't really consider myself a "Guy Magnet" lol.... No, my ROOMMATE deserves that title lol! She has guys flocking after her like white on rice. She walks into a room and automatically all the guys in the room take notice and get her number by the end of the night.... You can imagine where that leaves me lol... erplexed

But back in my home state, I had more of a bigger social circle, so I knew more guys, and therefore at one time I DID have quite a few guys interested in me. But they were always guys I viewed as FRIENDS or brothers, or even the ones who had a slight interest had already kind of liked someone else before me....

But I think doing things Matthew's way will definitely make me a more approachable, friendly, and outgoing person. I tend to be more outgoing around people I know, but I sometimes have a hard time being super outgoing around strangers. I really have to WORK at it. But anytime I do it, I find that I do make more friends, and people have a nice impression of me.

Regarding the Last Bolded...
Yea girl...who are you telling? Eye-contact with guys from afar is one of the HARDEST things!!! I still struggle with it to this day! I tend to be kind of shy with eye contact anyway, even around women sometimes.... When I was young I was kind of on the shy side. I'm no longer "shy", but every once in a while that "shy girl" comes out sometimes and I feel awkward. erplexed

But practice makes perfect! I figure, if the other ways haven't been working lately, why not switch it up??