I never get the guys I really want

[NinasLongAmbition]

I am 26 years old, never been in a relationship. I seem to never get the mutual feeling of wanting to develop something deeper with guys I like. Its starting to make me insecure, what is wrong with me am I not good enough? I am really down lately because how can I be optimistic when history gives you no hope in your future. Yesterday I went out to dinner with my best friend and despite my efforts to smile she can see the sadness in my eyes. I am just sick of never finding what I want. I guess this is a vent thread. Any advice on how I can feel better and be more optimistic would be greatly appreciated.

 

[CaraWalker]

hmmm. what is it you are looking for/type of guys you like? and do you have any social interactions with these guys?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@NinasLongAmbition

Girl....join the club.... I've been looking for something "mutual" for years, and I'm older than you.... erplexed


Sorry, that wasn't so positive was it?? LOL!


In all seriousness though, don't give up. That's the WORST thing you can do.

Idk if this bit of advice will work for you, or if it even fits in your situation, but I'll mention it just in case, because it took me a LONG time to recognize what was hindering ME from making a "connection".

To make a LOOOONG story brief lol.... Over the years I've come to realize that I'm not one of those women who can "grow" to like a guy, so I know in my heart of hears that I'm going to HAVE to be "into" a guy, or at least somewhat "curious" about him in order to even want to date him seriously and have a long-term relationship with him.

With THAT being said...since I now know that I'm one of those women, I also realized that I can't just rely on guys to be making the first move...otherwise, it will always be a 50/50 chance. NOW I know why I was always ending up with guys I wasn't interested in....

Then it occurred to me recently that all of the guys that ended up liking me in the past, I USUALLY gave them subtle HINTS/"Green Lights" to pursue me....even though I didn't realize it at the time!

A lot of women think that if they just sit back idly and wait for a man to pursue them, that it will happen by osmosis. That doesn't happen for ALL women. MOST women (believe it or not) are giving off SOME kind of "sign"...whether knowingly or unknowingly. And the ones that aren't, are probably either okay with falling for any guy who shows interest in them, OR, they fit a certain "look" that most guys tend to chase after. The majority of women however, DO give off signals. Men just think that they were the ones who made the first move, but in reality, it's the WOMAN who chooses the man lol.

So now my question to you would be.... Are you giving men that you're interested in the "green light" to pursue you? Or are you waiting for most men to come/approach you? Giving "green lights" is different from pursuing a guy. It has nothing to do with pursuing... It's a different thing altogether.

Now that I've been keeping this little tidbit in mind, I feel like I have more "control" over what types of guys I pull in. Before I was just either waiting for guys to come to me (which meant that any Tom Dick and Harry were stepping up---usually guys who had nothing to lose... ), or I was unknowingly giving guys I WASN'T interested in the "Green Light", and being standoffish and "Coy" around guys that I DID like...and let's just say, that was a recipe for DISASTER!

So....needless to say, I have COMPLETELY changed my whole entire way of thinking when it comes to relationships, and relating to men.


Also, make sure you're going out, having a life, and DOING things!! You can't find a guy if you're sitting at home. Make sure you look your BEST when you go out, and have an active social life! Tell friends (or older family friends) that you are open to meeting new men, or would like to be in a relationship.

Just food for thought....

We'll find someone who makes us happy in due time... There's ALWAYS someone out there for EVERYBODY.

 

[nlamr2013]

Firstly i want to preface my oost by saying youre beautiful sis! There is NOT ONE thing wrong with you.
Now
My only real advice is to find yourself some self esteem. What People Think Or dont Think Of You Should Never Affect How You Feel About you.
Girl I don't care if every darn dude in the galaxy told me I was ugly. I would just flip my fro like yousa lie I'm the baddest in the game son lol

In terms of 'getting dudes' the desperation you feel is probably palatable. Not that you are necessarily desperate but how you're feeling is I'm sure definitely noticeable just how your friend said your eyes look sad in all honestly no one really wants to get into any sort of relationship with someone who they think will bring bad energy (or I should say no one worth dating anyway)

So all that to say (lol my bad I talk too much) learn to love you regardless of what anyone else says thinks or feels and trust people in general will flock because they can sense that. I wouldn't even recommend trying to do anything to attract guys until you feel better about yourself because in your state you're liable to settle for any olé man just to finally have one and there are a plethora of thread here in the relationship thread that should scare you away from that

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Firstly i want to preface my oost by saying youre beautiful sis! There is NOT ONE thing wrong with you.
Now
My only real advice is to find yourself some self esteem. What People Think Or dont Think Of You Should Never Affect How You Feel About you.
Girl I don't care if every darn dude in the galaxy told me I was ugly. I would just flip my fro like yousa lie I'm the baddest in the game son lol

In terms of 'getting dudes' the desperation you feel is probably palatable. Not that you are necessarily desperate but how you're feeling is I'm sure definitely noticeable just how your friend said your eyes look sad in all honestly no one really wants to get into any sort of relationship with someone who they think will bring bad energy (or I should say no one worth dating anyway)

So all that to say (lol my bad I talk too much) learn to love you regardless of what anyone else says thinks or feels and trust people in general will flock because they can sense that. I wouldn't even recommend trying to do anything to attract guys until you feel better about yourself because in your state you're liable to settle for any olé man just to finally have one and there are a plethora of thread here in the relationship thread that should scare you away from that

^^THIS!!!

Definitely a GOOD thing to keep in mind!

First of all, there is NOTHING wrong with you, or ANYONE who is single or who hasn't managed to find "the one" yet, or even BE in a serious relationship yet! NOTHING is wrong. You might just have to tweak the way you go about meeting men, interacting w/men, etc...that's all.


Also, how you feel about YOURSELF definitely makes a HUGE difference. Men may not be as intuitive as women, but one thing is for sure...they must have some inner mechanism/device for being able to sense when a woman has confidence or feels good about herself because I've seen it with my own eyes. IF your friend can sense it, then guys can sense it too. erplexed

Like it's mentioned in the quote above, nobody wants to get w/someone who doesn't feel good about themselves or who is negative, or a downer, etc. That's why it's SOOO important for you to feel GOOD about yourself! Feel good about LIFE! Feel good about MEN! And by all means, STOP telling yourself that the ones you like never want something deeper with you. That will only continue to attract to you that very same outcome. Change your mindset. Just tell yourself that you haven't met the RIGHT guy for YOU yet. Continue to radiate a POSITIVE energy, and trust me, you will have guys flocking!!

 

[apemay1969]

I've been green lighting psycho/sociopaths for the last 15 years. I'm flipping my switch until I see why. I'll be stalking this thread in the meantime.

 

[hopeful]

Not getting who you want may sometimes be a blessing. Sometimes men who appear great really aren't. And the only person who sees the truth is their SO or wife. What kind of guys are you attracting? Sometimes women ignore the guys who would be very nice to them because they are pining for someone who is taken or not interested. There are many reasons guys aren't interested and oftentimes it has nothing to do with anything being wrong with you.

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

hmmm. what is it you are looking for/type of guys you like? and do you have any social interactions with these guys?

I'm looking for someone I'm attracted to, who has morals, family oriented, ambitious and looking for commitment. Yes I interact as much as I can, I will say that I am working on being more outgoing and inviting. I'm shy and have been told that I come off standoffish. I'm a full time student and work as a babysitter so I don't get work interaction with men (I know a lot of ppl meet their SO's through work)..so my only 2 places to meet these men are at school (hasn't worked out for me) and clubs...meh..

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Not getting who you want may sometimes be a blessing. Sometimes men who appear great really aren't. And the only person who sees the truth is their SO or wife. What kind of guys are you attracting? Sometimes women ignore the guys who would be very nice to them because they are pining for someone who is taken or not interested. There are many reasons guys aren't interested and oftentimes it has nothing to do with anything being wrong with you.

Isn't THAT the truth....


But what about women who have observed and interacted with a guy and have seen that he really DOES appear to be a good person? What about the men who really ARE on the up-and-up?

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

I'm attracting men who don't want commitment,they're looking for a "friend" aka they want to *** you with no strings attached. No ma'am

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

Oh and just in case anyone is wondering , I think I'm fairly cute. I can provide receipts when I get home

 

[JaneBond007]

I'm looking for someone I'm attracted to, who has morals, family oriented, ambitious and looking for commitment. Yes I interact as much as I can, I will say that I am working on being more outgoing and inviting. I'm shy and have been told that I come off standoffish. I'm a full time student and work as a babysitter so I don't get work interaction with men (I know a lot of ppl meet their SO's through work)..so my only 2 places to meet these men are at school (hasn't worked out for me) and clubs...meh..

NinasLongAmbition

Note the order of importance. Morals, family oriented, ambitious, looking for commitment coming after attraction. Are you saying that you want someone of specific looks like height, weight, features/handsomeness? Who are those who say you come off as standoffish, those you might have rejected because they don't fit the first standard you have? I kinda want you to figure out which is the most important. You want someone committed to you but I sense you want a certain type of handsomeness and that those aren't usually interested in you. Are you rejecting guys who have the other qualities?

 

[nlamr2013]

NinasLongAmbition

Note the order of importance. Morals, family oriented, ambitious, looking for commitment coming after attraction. Are you saying that you want someone of specific looks like height, weight, features/handsomeness? Who are those who say you come off as standoffish, those you might have rejected because they don't fit the first standard you have? I kinda want you to figure out which is the most important. You want someone committed to you but I sense you want a certain type of handsomeness and that those aren't usually interested in you. Are you rejecting guys who have the other qualities?

What you're saying is plausible but why should op settle for someone she isn't attracted to? Maybe I'm misunderstanding?

Imo everyone should personally be attracted and attractive to their spouse.

 

[Prettymetty]

Sometimes what you want isn't what you need. I'm not sure what kind of guys you are into, but im sure a great guy will come along soon

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I can kind of relate to you OP. I'm 26, never been in a relationship (though there have been offers). Admittedly I've been busy with grad school and after more than a few dating disasters I put finding a relationship aside. I'm about to graduate so when I start working I will be on the look out.

I've been disappointed more than once over not getting the guy I wanted but literally every time I later learned something about that guy that made me glad I didn't get him because what I thought I saw that I liked wasn't actually there. Rejection really is protection.

As much as I would've liked to have been in a relationship, I've changed a lot in the past few years. Who I am attracted to has changed.

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

JaneBond007
I am not picky in my attraction, I don't have a type or specifics I'm looking for. I just need you to be attractive to me, if you have great qualities but not attractive I can't do it and vice versa.

 

[caltron]

OP, nothing is wrong with you at all. You are still young and the stars just haven't aligned for you yet. Some women are lucky enough to find their ideal mate right off while other have to work a little harder and wait a little longer. There are many beautiful, intelligent women just like yourself who are still looking for that special someone (as well as women who don't have all of the blessings that you do that have managed to find that special someone). A lot of it comes down to luck and timing.

You've been given great advice already. Another thing I would do is make sure you are maximizing your opportunities to meet the types of guys you want to be with. Since there aren't really opportunities to meet quality guys at school or through your work, you should try to find other ways to meet men. I know online dating is not for everyone, but it is a good way to get in contact with a lot of men you wouldn't otherwise meet in your daily life. Or maybe you can join other activities that don't revolve around dating, but get you out of the house and doing fun stuff. The more you are out of the house doing stuff with other people, the more chances you have of meeting someone you're head over heels about and who feels the same about you. Also, the more you are out living and enjoying life, the less time you will be feeling sad, down and depressed.

On the flip side of that though, you also should make sure you're not wasting time with guys who really aren't worth your time or in activities that aren't likely to get you in contact with good guys. Going to club is great if you're having fun, but it's not really going to get you in contact with a lot of the guys you're looking for. It happens on occasion, but just not that often. Also, you may run across guys who are nice, but you just aren't attracted to. It's best to cut off those kinds of relationships sooner rather than later.

So perk up. You never know when your prince will come. Today you are down wondering if it will ever happen for you, but tomorrow you may meet the most amazing guy and everything will just fall into place. It's just a matter of time and when it does all of what you're going through right now will be thing of the past.

 

[MixedBerry]

Op, have you tried online dating?

 

[CaraWalker]

I'm attracting men who don't want commitment,they're looking for a "friend" aka they want to *** you with no strings attached. No ma'am

if youre getting dudes who constantly "try" you, odds are you likely need to be more firm and assertive with men. the second you realise this is the type of guy you're dealing with, you need to cease contact.

 

[hopeful]

Isn't THAT the truth....


But what about women who have observed and interacted with a guy and have seen that he really DOES appear to be a good person? What about the men who really ARE on the up-and-up?

That's why I said only the SO or wife knows the truth. Observing and interacting with a guy is still a surface level interaction. I'm sure some guys really are awesome, I'm just saying you never really know is all. OP sorry you are attracting those type of jerks. Hopefully your options will open up after you finish school. In the meantime you will have to find more places to interact with real men. School and babysitting is not enough.

 

[rafikichick92]

Crystalicequeen123, what kinds of green light signals are you referring to? What green light signals do you give?

 

[CarLiTa]

My sense is that if guys are constantly doing dirty things to you, it us because they feel that they're choosing you and you're not making them show their worth to you. Like they've decided about you, and you accepted whatever decision they proposed (often they don't even tell you) without really assessing them.

I think most men want sex. Period. Even if they're genuinely interested as well, they likely find you hot and would not turn down being in bed with you. Accepting that as a fact is quite liberating, I think. Because you can think: there are many tiers of attraction and connection.

Tier 1 for them is to find you hot and to want to sleep with you. No sense in either being flattered or appalled by this (both are 2 extreme positions). They feel that way about many women, generally. I'd say: probably best to be ambivalent about this... IMO.

Tier 2 is once they get to know you and begin to enjoy your personality.

Tier 3 is when the connection is deepening, and you're getting a sense of mutual understanding and the feeling that you might like to have this person in your life as more than a mere acquaintance.

I'm making this up as I write, so I don't know what the other tiers are But, in essence, if a woman is interacting with a man while he is at T1, she is likely to get hurt if she's interested in something more. There are men who are only interested in staying at that base level, and that's their prerogative, but it doesn't have to be yours. You can just push to have interactions to see if you will both eventually end up at T2. Even at that point, committing emotionally or physically is too soon. If you're approaching T3 and he's still at T1, now that's an epic disaster.

Where was I going with this? I think sometimes it is the woman who has to drive the deepening of the relationship... in a subtle way. Like, the man continues to ask you out (so he's pursuing) and you're in charge of driving the direction of your interactions with him on those dates... specifically the conversations you end up having together.

You can't be passive in developing the kind of relationship you want. Because by continuing to ask you out, a man is showing that he's made a decision about you. On your end, you need to decide whether you're buying what he's selling... and maybe he needs to see that too. Make him have tough conversations that make him reflect on who he is and what he has to offer (I'm giving very biased advice here at this point)... so that he sees that you're not just going on dates with him because he asked and because you needed something to do, but that there is a purpose to all of it. You are not easily won over.

I have acquaintances who are always telling me about how some man seduced them. And sadly, these friends are frequently heartbroken (1 in particular). I've been in their shoes before (1 really bad year in particular). What I think those friends fail to realize is that they let themselves be chosen by these men, and they don't do any actual choosing themselves. Men are choosing them on a sexual basis, and they're not requiring men to move beyond T1 with them.

They're flattered at what's happening at T1 thinking it is an indication of future commitment. False. They're passive and don't know how to set boundaries. They're not even women who are too nice. In fact, I wish they would use some of their b!tchy sides in their relationships. They're not self-protective.

Learn to be open and to flirt (to make more men approach you), and then develop your assertive skills so that you can weed out the ones who want to stay at T1. Then, learn to have good and meaningful conversations on your dates. All the Rules BS about "all you have to do is show up and be pretty" is total BS. You'll end up being good at going on dates and NOT at getting into a relationship doing that. Make men think about what they're offering to you (especially on an intangible level).

Good luck!

/ends armchair philosophy

 

[JaneBond007]

@JaneBond007
I am not picky in my attraction, I don't have a type or specifics I'm looking for. I just need you to be attractive to me, if you have great qualities but not attractive I can't do it and vice versa.

@NinasLongAmbition

OP, there's a lot of contradiction in there. Maybe you should not go out with guys that first off do not fit the bill. That way, you're not disappointed? Are you settling by dating less attractive guys in hopes that they spark something in you by the other qualities?

Two things: 1) you are picky so you should avoid those types you generally don't want because it's wasting your time 2) however, great qualities that go beyond looks ultimately last and make for a happy marriage.

And you absolutely need to feel attracted to a man and him to you for it to be a viable relationship. I'd say to stop dating for awhile until you can figure it all out because it's conflicted. On the one hand, you want a man to treat you as a lady, be kind, good provider, go the distance and love you more (basically) but then if he's not got the looks, you pass those over. Don't give up hope but find some balance and find out exactly what makes a man attractive to you. Make a list on looks, mannerisms etc. and be specific. Compare those to the lasting qualities in a mate. See how you might be throwing out some babies with the bathwater or, you might figure out how to selectively date. I think you're taking just anybody right now.

About feeling better? That's ultimately going to have to come from you. You have to learn how to be happy single before ever hoping to find happiness married. No man can give you that perfect level of joy as it's intrinsic to you. It has to be developed within yourself. Date yourself for awhile (movies, spa, get out in nature etc.) and do things alone without feeling sad about being single. When you find your level of balance, you might find that you see more attractiveness in others because you're basically looking for perfection and it doesn't exist out there.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I'm attracting men who don't want commitment,they're looking for a "friend" aka they want to *** you with no strings attached. No ma'am

Awww.....Yea, those are what I call "time wasters"....

Since you're still quite young, and (I believe you said still in school??) you're probably going to run into more of those than usual just simply due to your age-range. But be assured...there ARE men of your age group and a little older who ARE looking for something serious.

You might have to change up where you frequent and meet men in order to meet men of a different caliber.

Also, I know it sounds corny at this day and age, but sometimes even family friends KNOW of nice, young, eligible single men of good caliber and upbringing and might be good references as well. Don't just think your peers are the only ones who "know people" around your age in other words lol.

Oh and just in case anyone is wondering , I think I'm fairly cute. I can provide receipts when I get home

We believe you NinasLongAmbition!! No need to show receipts lol. Plus, a lot of times it's not about looks. So you don't need to overly worry about that either. As long as you're well-put together, and feel GOOD, I'm sure you will have no problem attracting the right man for YOU.

And don't apologize for wanting a man who YOU'RE attracted to either. You don't have to have either/OR.... Good looks OR Good Personality. A lot of men come with both qualities. Plus, I'm sure you're not professing that he be an Adonis in looks or something, you probably just want someone who makes YOUR heart skip a beat, someone YOU'RE excited about, and someone who really makes you happy.

@NinasLongAmbition

Note the order of importance. Morals, family oriented, ambitious, looking for commitment coming after attraction. Are you saying that you want someone of specific looks like height, weight, features/handsomeness? Who are those who say you come off as standoffish, those you might have rejected because they don't fit the first standard you have? I kinda want you to figure out which is the most important. You want someone committed to you but I sense you want a certain type of handsomeness and that those aren't usually interested in you. Are you rejecting guys who have the other qualities?

Hmmm.....good points and questions... .

OP, nothing is wrong with you at all. You are still young and the stars just haven't aligned for you yet. Some women are lucky enough to find their ideal mate right off while other have to work a little harder and wait a little longer. There are many beautiful, intelligent women just like yourself who are still looking for that special someone (as well as women who don't have all of the blessings that you do that have managed to find that special someone). A lot of it comes down to luck and timing.

^^EXACTLY. That's what I tell my single girl friends all the time. SOME people have just found who they were meant to be with earlier in life. For other women, it might take a tad more work, or time in order to find what they want. No biggie. Dating and marriage aren't like driver's licenses. Just because you hit a certain age doesn't mean you HAVE to be dating/married/or whatever!

 

[SelahOco]

I'm looking for someone I'm attracted to, who has morals, family oriented, ambitious and looking for commitment. Yes I interact as much as I can, I will say that I am working on being more outgoing and inviting. I'm shy and have been told that I come off standoffish. I'm a full time student and work as a babysitter so I don't get work interaction with men (I know a lot of ppl meet their SO's through work)..so my only 2 places to meet these men are at school (hasn't worked out for me) and clubs...meh..

I was shy around men too, and I met DH right around your age. I met him online. We actually went to high school together, but I was a little older and I didn't remember him. But he probably wouldn't have spoken to me because I was shy and insecure after years of being overlooked by guys who were more interested in my more outgoing friends.

I got caught in a little cycle, and I don't want that to happen to you.

I would see a guy who caught my eye, then stand there and wait for him to notice me and he never did, or approached my friend (who had no problem attracting men). It started to mess with my head. I would be dressed okay, and I knew I was as pretty as the friends I was with - but I was very withdrawn and self conscious. Being overlooked for my friends fed into that and made me even more insecure.

It was to the point that I hated going places and avoided being attractive because I didn't want anyone to look at me and see how flawed I was. This is all in my mind.

I met DH online, and had a much easier time being myself because I am a natural writer and didn't feel the pressure of the social setting. I was funny, he was funny, we met up and actually ended up hitting it off.

No matter what, don't internalize what's happening too much. If you're shy, you're not going to garner the same attention that an outgoing person would. You have to be okay with that and know that you're not likely to draw men, friends, etc in that way.

Just make sure you know who you are, what you feel comfortable doing, and what is important to you. But also know that you have to make eye contact, smile, and encourage people to interact with you. It's not like you're throwing yourself at them, but you have to let them know you're willing to entertain them.

I also dress very homely for my age and always have. I didn't know how to break out of it and honestly, still struggle with it. It was a detriment in a social setting, but the way I met DH - it didn't matter and he overlooked it once we started dating.

Best to you. Keep your head up. Don't internalize. You're not flawed in any way. You just have to be logical about what attracts people to other people.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@Crystalicequeen123, what kinds of green light signals are you referring to? What green light signals do you give?

@rafikichick92

Well, see now that I've moved to a new state, I have to be even MORE proactive to make sure that I go out, make new friends, and put myself OUT there, instead of just sitting at home like a bump on a log lol. I don't have quick access to the same social circles that I made over the years back at home, so I have to definitely put myself out there more.

See, I tend to be more shy around guys I like , and so that's why the guys I WEREN'T interested in were flocking to me lol.... It finally dawned on me that I was inadvertently giving the guys I WEREN'T into "signs" of interest (because I was so comfortable, upbeat, and not giving a care in the world), and doing the complete OPPOSITE with the guys I actually DID have an interest in!

So, this year I decided to switch it up.

Signs:

-Looking nice, dressing nicely, and dressing for the TYPE of man you want to attract

-Accentuating your femininity as a WOMAN....especially if you tend to be attracted to more masculine men (opposites tend to attract)

-Giving a guy "the eyes"


-SMILE SMILE SMILE!!! <-----I am almost convinced that THIS is hands down a woman's BEST asset. Not her boobs, not her butt, not her hair....but her SMILE.

-Having a POSITIVE, open, upbeat, and friendly nature towards EVERYONE.

-Striking up an innocent brief conversation/question for the guy that has caught your eye. "What time is it?" "Do you come here often?" "Where can I find....?" Even flirty/playful remarks (nothing insulting) can give a guy the "green light" that you've noticed him, and that you're a fun person to be around.

In other words, not waiting for a man to notice you or approach you. Give him the "signal" that it's "okay" to pursue you and if he's interested, he will follow suit and start pursuing you. If he's not, then who cares?? You haven't lost anything. Plus, who knows...he might have some nice single guy friends lol

See, I noticed in the past, when I was just being "MYSELF" around guys I wasn't interested in, I EASILY engaged them in conversation. I never cared or thought about who was "making the first move", or WAITED for the guy to "come to me". I was just happy minding my own business and saw a person there and spoke to them! NONE of this OVER analyzing, or "playing coy" or "hard to get" etc. In fact, when I REALLY sat down and thought about it, I have NEVER had a guy end up liking me or expressing interest in me when I was completely closed OFF, never spoke to him, never made eye contact, never joked with him, etc. There was always SOMETHING that I did to acknowledge him or give him the "sign", and 9 times out of 10 THAT's what made him get the "Green Light" to pursue.

See....I started to realize, that there are probably a TON of guys right now who are attracted or interested to us as women when we go out, or when we're in a group of friends, etc. But, a lot of times men won't even bother to make any type of move in a romantic way if the woman doesn't give him the "signal" to proceed. SOME women see other women doing this and view this as a woman being flirty, but it's really not. You're not doing anything out of the ordinary. You're just lighting up the world with your charming presence. It's just called taking an INTEREST in people in GENERAL. When you do this, you will find that you will probably have more men falling at your feet.

Change your intent. Instead of viewing men as these foreign creatures lol, view them as just everyday people like you and me. Treat even the ones you're not even into with respect and care, because OTHER men are watching to see how you turn other men down...

Oh, there are SO many more things I could mention, but this post is long enough! lol


But bottom line, I'm now a FIRM believer in giving men that I'm interested in "signs" that it's okay to "proceed".

 

[Layluh]

Crystalicequeen123

Yes to smiling!

I will be walking around looking crazy with sweats on but if a guy sees me smiling it literally lights them up! I'll get all kinds of compliments from men on my smile, even while looking to' up. lol

 

[MamitaLolita]

Wow....

I used to feel exactly the same. Distance, sadness, all of it.

For starters I say fall in love with yourself. Be prideful, walk with your head up. Smile even when you don't want to. Know that that smile can make a man drop to his knees

Secondly think oh what you want in a man. When you meet him you will know it is him. Don't he afraid to make the first move. I find the ones that go for me first are never the right ones. The first man I ever chose for myself was the best so far.

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

@NinasLongAmbition

OP, there's a lot of contradiction in there. Maybe you should not go out with guys that first off do not fit the bill. That way, you're not disappointed? Are you settling by dating less attractive guys in hopes that they spark something in you by the other qualities?

Two things: 1) you are picky so you should avoid those types you generally don't want because it's wasting your time 2) however, great qualities that go beyond looks ultimately last and make for a happy marriage.

And you absolutely need to feel attracted to a man and him to you for it to be a viable relationship. I'd say to stop dating for awhile until you can figure it all out because it's conflicted. On the one hand, you want a man to treat you as a lady, be kind, good provider, go the distance and love you more (basically) but then if he's not got the looks, you pass those over. Don't give up hope but find some balance and find out exactly what makes a man attractive to you. Make a list on looks, mannerisms etc. and be specific. Compare those to the lasting qualities in a mate. See how you might be throwing out some babies with the bathwater or, you might figure out how to selectively date. I think you're taking just anybody right now.

About feeling better? That's ultimately going to have to come from you. You have to learn how to be happy single before ever hoping to find happiness married. No man can give you that perfect level of joy as it's intrinsic to you. It has to be developed within yourself. Date yourself for awhile (movies, spa, get out in nature etc.) and do things alone without feeling sad about being single. When you find your level of balance, you might find that you see more attractiveness in others because you're basically looking for perfection and it doesn't exist out there.

Great advice! I will start today with loving me more, I used to be good at that. Need to go back there , I've let my age dictate how I feel. Society tells me that by 26 , I should have had my first love already and it's really starting to affect me. I need to date myself first like you say. Thanks for the insight

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

@NinasLongAmbition

Girl....join the club.... I've been looking for something "mutual" for years, and I'm older than you.... erplexed


Sorry, that wasn't so positive was it?? LOL!


In all seriousness though, don't give up. That's the WORST thing you can do.

Idk if this bit of advice will work for you, or if it even fits in your situation, but I'll mention it just in case, because it took me a LONG time to recognize what was hindering ME from making a "connection".

To make a LOOOONG story brief lol.... Over the years I've come to realize that I'm not one of those women who can "grow" to like a guy, so I know in my heart of hears that I'm going to HAVE to be "into" a guy, or at least somewhat "curious" about him in order to even want to date him seriously and have a long-term relationship with him.

With THAT being said...since I now know that I'm one of those women, I also realized that I can't just rely on guys to be making the first move...otherwise, it will always be a 50/50 chance. NOW I know why I was always ending up with guys I wasn't interested in....

Then it occurred to me recently that all of the guys that ended up liking me in the past, I USUALLY gave them subtle HINTS/"Green Lights" to pursue me....even though I didn't realize it at the time!

A lot of women think that if they just sit back idly and wait for a man to pursue them, that it will happen by osmosis. That doesn't happen for ALL women. MOST women (believe it or not) are giving off SOME kind of "sign"...whether knowingly or unknowingly. And the ones that aren't, are probably either okay with falling for any guy who shows interest in them, OR, they fit a certain "look" that most guys tend to chase after. The majority of women however, DO give off signals. Men just think that they were the ones who made the first move, but in reality, it's the WOMAN who chooses the man lol.

So now my question to you would be.... Are you giving men that you're interested in the "green light" to pursue you? Or are you waiting for most men to come/approach you? Giving "green lights" is different from pursuing a guy. It has nothing to do with pursuing... It's a different thing altogether.

Now that I've been keeping this little tidbit in mind, I feel like I have more "control" over what types of guys I pull in. Before I was just either waiting for guys to come to me (which meant that any Tom Dick and Harry were stepping up---usually guys who had nothing to lose... ), or I was unknowingly giving guys I WASN'T interested in the "Green Light", and being standoffish and "Coy" around guys that I DID like...and let's just say, that was a recipe for DISASTER!

So....needless to say, I have COMPLETELY changed my whole entire way of thinking when it comes to relationships, and relating to men.


Also, make sure you're going out, having a life, and DOING things!! You can't find a guy if you're sitting at home. Make sure you look your BEST when you go out, and have an active social life! Tell friends (or older family friends) that you are open to meeting new men, or would like to be in a relationship.

Just food for thought....

We'll find someone who makes us happy in due time... There's ALWAYS someone out there for EVERYBODY.

Crystalicequeen123...Thank you for the advice. I have been waiting back idly for the guys to make the first move. I need to definitely give "green lights" and be more flirtatious. I need to go out there and live my life too. No sense in being miserable while I wait, everyday is a gift.