I need to DATE!!!!

[LivingDol1]

ugh... okay, i am feeling more sure than ever that I need to go on some dates and see who is out there on this planet. i am frustrated with my options though.

living in manhattan is hard. it's a gay man's playground. i've tried match.com, yahoo.com, okcupid.com... and on those sites either i find a long distance connection that never turns into anything or i go on a few lackluster dates... or nothing.

my circle of friends aren't too helpful. most of my friends are girls. the guys in my circle are gay... i have a few straight guy friends but their single friends are not my type. like extra nerdy, not attractive, etc.

speed dating was suggested to me but i don't know... it sounds like it could be fun or a real waste of my time.

i just came back from a gathering with friends and i was telling one of them that i really felt like i needed to get out there and date. he(gay) and our other friends were saying that i'm clearly beautiful, stylish, i have a great job, etc... all desirable things....but they are things that guys might find that intimidating and be put off by... like i'm out of their league...?

i don't necessarily think that's true b/c outside of my appearance, nobody knows a thing about me until they attempt to get to know me. i'm not a celebrity, millionaire, a model or some sort of genius... so what makes me out of someone's league?

i don't know what to do! part of me has considered stepping it up and trying one of those elite matchmaking services. i mean, if i'm really look at as "out of your league" for most, then... how does a girl like me meet someone who thinks i'm in their league?!

 

[nicki6]

When you find out, please let me know I am in the deep South and fairing no better than you

I am sick and tired of the 'intimidation' speech

 

[Bunny77]

I'm all for stepping it up. Give it a try!


P.S.: You know, the more people I talk to from NYC, the more I'm thinking that NYC is NOT a good place for people who want to settle down. There is an article about this... how if you are looking for a husband, New York is really not the place to be. Dating might work, but marriage? Eh.)

(Don't know if you are looking to marry, but that's what the article was about.)

 

[natstar]

I'm in a similar boat- I would like to date more- Tell us what you plan to do (so I can get some ideas)

 

[cheetarah1980]

My single friends who live in NYC all say that it's so hard to meet someone in the city. Oddly enough, whenever I'm here I'm always meeting men. But I guess meeting men is different from dating leading to relationships and marriage.

I just went speed dating two days ago and it was a lot of fun. I'd definitely recommend it OP. Try looking on moxieinthecity.com for event listings. Also, what types of activities are you involved in? If you like to run, I suggest joining NYRR (New York Road Runners) because they have races every weekend and group runs as well. Meetup.com can put you on to different groups focused on your particular interests as well. Oh, and I highly recommend spending time at sports bars. They are a treasure trove of good looking, STRAIGHT men.

 

[smwrigh3]

I posted something similar ... hope this helps

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=298607&highlight=

 

[hillalicia]

I am in the same boat, living down south there just isn’t enough eligible prospects. I really am not into the club scene or the wanna be thugs. But I was reading this article yesterday about Barrack and Michelle and how she really thought barrack was a dork and turned him down several times because he wasn’t her ideal of a perfect mate. Just read the article I am not good at summarizing  after reading it I think I will approach this dating thing with a different prospective

http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-learn-michelle

 

[Bunny77]

I am in the same boat, living down south there just isn’t enough eligible prospects. I really am not into the club scene or the wanna be thugs. But I was reading this article yesterday about Barrack and Michelle and how she really thought barrack was a dork and turned him down several times because he wasn’t her ideal of a perfect mate. Just read the article I am not good at summarizing  after reading it I think I will approach this dating thing with a different prospective

http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-learn-michelle

Off-topic, but that article is really the author projecting her own feelings onto Michelle.

Michelle didn't initially have problems with Barack because she thought he was a dork. Barack was the one, in his autobiography, who talked about how he looked like a dork, but Michelle's concern was that she didn't want to date a co-worker that she was supervising and she also didn't want dating to get in the way of her rising up the corporate ladder.

From the New Yorker...

Michelle and Barack met at Sidley & Austin, when she was assigned to advise him during a summer job. Michelle’s co-workers warned her that the summer associate was cute. “I figured that they were just impressed with any black man with a suit and a job,” she later told Barack. Over her protestations—she felt that dating someone she worked with would be “tacky,” her brother recalls—Barack began to court his boss. “She took me to one or two parties,” Barack writes, “tactfully overlooking my limited wardrobe, and she even tried to set me up with a couple of her friends.” Before the end of the summer, he’d got her to agree to go out for a movie—Spike Lee’s “Do the Right Thing”—and an ice-cream cone at Baskin-Robbins. Vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard in 2004, Barack met Spike Lee at a reception. As Michelle has recalled, he told Lee, “I owe you a lot,” because, during the movie, Michelle had allowed him to touch her knee.

I'm SO tired of black women (not you, but the author of the article you posted and others) going, "See, look Michelle took a chance and got Barack, so you should do the same!" Hell, Barack was a freakin' GRADUATE OF HARVARD LAW SCHOOL. She was not giving a chance to Tyrone on the corner... and Michelle was the one who had to convince Barack that marriage was important and that she was not going to wait forever just dating him.


Anyway, in terms of the general sentiment... I think women should definitely date more selectively... look for the man who will be a good husband and father and not just someone "cool" and "fun." But hey, I love that Michelle had some standards and aimed high... which is why she got Barack in the first place!

Edited to add: There is another article in which Michelle's prom date mentioned that a relationship between them never went anywhere because she was very focused and he was a slacker. Now, today folks might have told Michelle to hold on to that "good black man," but she knew what she wanted and it wasn't him. That dude probably had more "swagga" back then than Barack did, but she let HIM go... that also tells me a lot about Michelle's standards. The belief that she didn't like Barack because he didn't fit her idea of a "perfect mate" is a made-up idea of folks who are trying to idealize their courtship story to give them inspiration.

 

[hillalicia]

Off-topic, but that article is really the author projecting her own feelings onto Michelle.

Michelle didn't initially have problems with Barack because she thought he was a dork. Barack was the one, in his autobiography, who talked about how he looked like a dork, but Michelle's concern was that she didn't want to date a co-worker that she was supervising and she also didn't want dating to get in the way of her rising up the corporate ladder.

From the New Yorker...

Michelle and Barack met at Sidley & Austin, when she was assigned to advise him during a summer job. Michelle’s co-workers warned her that the summer associate was cute. “I figured that they were just impressed with any black man with a suit and a job,” she later told Barack. Over her protestations—she felt that dating someone she worked with would be “tacky,” her brother recalls—Barack began to court his boss. “She took me to one or two parties,” Barack writes, “tactfully overlooking my limited wardrobe, and she even tried to set me up with a couple of her friends.” Before the end of the summer, he’d got her to agree to go out for a movie—Spike Lee’s “Do the Right Thing”—and an ice-cream cone at Baskin-Robbins. Vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard in 2004, Barack met Spike Lee at a reception. As Michelle has recalled, he told Lee, “I owe you a lot,” because, during the movie, Michelle had allowed him to touch her knee.

I'm SO tired of black women (not you, but the author of the article you posted and others) going, "See, look Michelle took a chance and got Barack, so you should do the same!" Hell, Barack was a freakin' GRADUATE OF HARVARD LAW SCHOOL. She was not giving a chance to Tyrone on the corner... and Michelle was the one who had to convince Barack that marriage was important and that she was not going to wait forever just dating him.


Anyway, in terms of the general sentiment... I think women should definitely date more selectively... look for the man who will be a good husband and father and not just someone "cool" and "fun." But hey, I love that Michelle had some standards and aimed high... which is why she got Barack in the first place!

didnt i say "Iam not good at summarizing"

 

[gabulldawg]

OP I definitely feel you. I am dating now, but you never know where things can go... I would say maybe you should consider giving some guys a chance. You mentioned that some of your single guy friends have friends that you don't consider to be your type by first glance. The guy I'm actually dating now was in that category. I never thought he was my type, but the more I got to know him, the more I liked him. Just give them a chance. That's my suggestion.

 

[Bunny77]

didnt i say "Iam not good at summarizing"

Girl, it's cool... my post wasn't even really about you!

That article just really annoyed me, so when it got posted, I let loose!

It's the author of the article who is trying to figure things out with her own dating life (which is fine... aren't we all), but she needs to quit trying to play that, "Ooh, I should learn from Michelle," thing.

Actually, if she's or anyone is going to learn from Michelle, it should be to hold out for a top-of-the-line man who's bringing something to the table!

 

[Chromia]

ugh... okay, i am feeling more sure than ever that I need to go on some dates and see who is out there on this planet. i am frustrated with my options though.

living in manhattan is hard. it's a gay man's playground. i've tried match.com, yahoo.com, okcupid.com... and on those sites either i find a long distance connection that never turns into anything or i go on a few lackluster dates... or nothing.

my circle of friends aren't too helpful. most of my friends are girls. the guys in my circle are gay... i have a few straight guy friends but their single friends are not my type. like extra nerdy, not attractive, etc.

speed dating was suggested to me but i don't know... it sounds like it could be fun or a real waste of my time.

i just came back from a gathering with friends and i was telling one of them that i really felt like i needed to get out there and date. he(gay) and our other friends were saying that i'm clearly beautiful, stylish, i have a great job, etc... all desirable things....but they are things that guys might find that intimidating and be put off by... like i'm out of their league...?

i don't necessarily think that's true b/c outside of my appearance, nobody knows a thing about me until they attempt to get to know me. i'm not a celebrity, millionaire, a model or some sort of genius... so what makes me out of someone's league?

i don't know what to do! part of me has considered stepping it up and trying one of those elite matchmaking services. i mean, if i'm really look at as "out of your league" for most, then... how does a girl like me meet someone who thinks i'm in their league?!

Maybe you can go on a few dates with some of those nerdy or not-so-attractive guys. Maybe when you get to know them better you'll realize that you have more in common than you think or they're more fun than you thought they were.

Try speed dating at least once. You might have fun.

 

[TRUKARISMA]

what about trying the elite matchmaking service. Has anyone used a matchmaking service and had success?

 

[Latina17]

When you find out, please let me know I am in the deep South and fairing no better than you

I am sick and tired of the 'intimidation' speech

Pls dont forget to tell me as well! Im so sick too.

 

[cheetarah1980]

I know this is hella last minute, but if anyone is in NYC and would like to get out today (sun finally came out) how about meeting up for some dinner and going to watch Game 5 at a sports bar.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

Do you ladies attend church? Seek HIM first and ...

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Do you ladies attend church? Seek HIM first and ...

No offense but churches are chock full of single women.

I've also heard that speed dating is a waste of time but might be a good option for women who are out of practice or just want to get out there with men again.

 

[sonce]

Do you ladies attend church? Seek HIM first and ...

And die seeking. No offense, but the church owes a lot to the obese, dowdy mammy look-a-likes running amok and giving advice like yours to fertile 20-somethings. A steady stream of women with nothing to do and nowhere to go = cheap labor. I'm not going down like that.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

And die seeking. No offense, but the church owes a lot to the obese, dowdy mammy look-a-likes running amok and giving advice like yours to fertile 20-somethings. A steady stream of women with nothing to do and nowhere to go = cheap labor. I'm not going down like that.

What I meant is that when you get your mind, spirit, and heart in the right place and truly seek God, then things just seem to fall into place. I have been approached by a few very eligible cute guys at my SDA church, but what happened was...I was not looking. Instead my long term relationship got so much better. It's like everything fell into place. So you may not find someone in the church, but once you develop your "internal" church, then you start attracting the good things that you want; and that often means hauling yourself to church on the sabbath

 

[hopeful]

didnt i say "Iam not good at summarizing"

That was a cute comeback!

 

[LivingDol1]

Do you ladies attend church? Seek HIM first and ...

no offense but i would never go to church to meet men. i'm catholic and was forced to go to mass against my own will on a weekly basis, therefore i avoid churches at all costs. i wouldn't want to date someone who was a super church goer.

plus, even if i were to go, the only one close by is the stuffy upper east side church full of waspy people. i went to an evening mass there once and then one of their little social events afterwards. man did i feel out of place!

 

[LivingDol1]

Maybe you can go on a few dates with some of those nerdy or not-so-attractive guys. Maybe when you get to know them better you'll realize that you have more in common than you think or they're more fun than you thought they were.

Try speed dating at least once. You might have fun.

lol. um, if only you could see what these guys were like. not dating material.... unfortunately, i am extremely picky, and i should be.... and i'm not gonna lie. looks matter.

 

[LivingDol1]

I'm all for stepping it up. Give it a try!


P.S.: You know, the more people I talk to from NYC, the more I'm thinking that NYC is NOT a good place for people who want to settle down. There is an article about this... how if you are looking for a husband, New York is really not the place to be. Dating might work, but marriage? Eh.)

(Don't know if you are looking to marry, but that's what the article was about.)

so true! it is very hard to find a guy who is serious about being in a relationship in NYC. but that being said, it isn't impossible. i know several people who are in serious relationships or are married and they met and dated in New York. some of them are my age. some of them didn't find love until their late 30s or early 40s. and they're across all races, backgrounds... i don't need to be married now, but i'm aiming for that direction.

i'm not in a situation where i can just pick up and move to a location where i might have a better chance at meeting a man...(and i'm not saying that you think i should do that, but a few of my friends say that when they are frustreated with dating in NYC) i love my job and i can only do my job here in NYC... or maybe LA but LA men are worse than NYC men.... or I could move to Paris or London... which are great places to live but that's still very limiting!

if something doesn't change soon, i'm going to wind up fawning over unattainable men(see sig and avatar! hah!) for the rest of my life! so pathetic!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

LD, what are you doing to meet guys? What places are you going to?

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

The only thing I can suggest, is trying to cultivate your own personal interests and hobbies when you're not working hard. IMO, the best way to meet a man is by not "trying" to meet one at all. I can't get too specific because I'm rusty, but I read somewhere that the reason people find themselves fighting off admirers once they're taken is because their "energy" changed from "subliminally desperate" to "self assured or cool" whether they realize it or not.

You are a beautiful woman- stunning actually- if that is you in your siggy and avi... so the problem is not your looks. It could be that you're "energetically" not ready for it, ot are giving off the wrong signals without realizing it.

Maybe a couple of classes on something fun - cake decorating.... the law of attraction... negotiation tactics... heck anything that seems off the wall.... could create something fun fr you to do and allow you to meet more people and seem "more interesting."

I'm no expert... but yea hth

 

[LivingDol1]

LD, what are you doing to meet guys? What places are you going to?

i'm not trying too too hard, honestly. i'm just living! I go out with my girlfriends pretty much every weekend for the most part. or i go to house parties. saturday, i went to a BBQ, and then another house gathering that evening with friends... i met a few new people.. but no guys!! i really have to be careful though because i am quick to assume that most men are gay. one guy i met saturday night was shockingly straight but he works in theater and has a total flamboyant tone to his voice.... not saying that i'd be interested in dating him because well, he really did sound more effeminate and he seemed to be kind of a douche bag... but when i hang out with my gay friends i assume that i'm in a room full of them so i.... should just be aware, and not make assumptions on everyone just yet....

tonight, i'm going out for my friend's birthday. just drinks after work at a bar that is usually jam packed full of guys. not sure what to do besides try to look extra cute. lol! spaking of, i have to decide what i'm doin with my hair this morning because it looks like it will be going up in a wet bun and i'm not sure if that's going to be cute at a bar.... lol.

 

[LivingDol1]

thanks lauryn doll. i guess i will continue to seek out things via my interests.... i have to be strategic because my interests are theater, boy bands(i don't tell my dates this obviously), and uh... comics? the first 2 won't bring about any straight, single, men. the 3rd one.... i went to a convention once. nerd central! and costumes! oh god.... i had to leave. not that fanatical. but i do like art and there are guys that like art or are artists... but when i date guys who are creative, they've tended to have some kind of a past with drugs or something odd so.... yeah....

and i believe you about not trying to meet men. i definitely have benefitted from that before... having a guy pop up when i was not looking for it...

i feel like i need a life coach or something. a dr. phil sitting on my shoulder telling me what to do... lol!

The only thing I can suggest, is trying to cultivate your own personal interests and hobbies when you're not working hard. IMO, the best way to meet a man is by not "trying" to meet one at all. I can't get too specific because I'm rusty, but I read somewhere that the reason people find themselves fighting off admirers once they're taken is because their "energy" changed from "subliminally desperate" to "self assured or cool" whether they realize it or not.

You are a beautiful woman- stunning actually- if that is you in your siggy and avi... so the problem is not your looks. It could be that you're "energetically" not ready for it, ot are giving off the wrong signals without realizing it.

Maybe a couple of classes on something fun - cake decorating.... the law of attraction... negotiation tactics... heck anything that seems off the wall.... could create something fun fr you to do and allow you to meet more people and seem "more interesting."

I'm no expert... but yea hth

 

[anon123]

I am in the same boat, living down south there just isn’t enough eligible prospects. I really am not into the club scene or the wanna be thugs. But I was reading this article yesterday about Barrack and Michelle and how she really thought barrack was a dork and turned him down several times because he wasn’t her ideal of a perfect mate. Just read the article I am not good at summarizing  after reading it I think I will approach this dating thing with a different prospective

http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-learn-michelle

I'm saying! Give nerdy folks a chance! We, um, I mean they can be great companions!

What do you do in your spare time? What kinds of events do you go to? Hobbies do you have?

Don't listen to your gay male friends, they often say stuff like that. "oh, if I were straight, I'd totally date you, you're so fab!" Really, what do they know about heterosexual dating?! Not saying you're not fab, just saying.

 

[anon123]

i'm not trying too too hard, honestly. i'm just living! I go out with my girlfriends pretty much every weekend for the most part. or i go to house parties. saturday, i went to a BBQ, and then another house gathering that evening with friends... i met a few new people.. but no guys!! i really have to be careful though because i am quick to assume that most men are gay. one guy i met saturday night was shockingly straight but he works in theater and has a total flamboyant tone to his voice.... not saying that i'd be interested in dating him because well, he really did sound more effeminate and he seemed to be kind of a douche bag... but when i hang out with my gay friends i assume that i'm in a room full of them so i.... should just be aware, and not make assumptions on everyone just yet....

tonight, i'm going out for my friend's birthday. just drinks after work at a bar that is usually jam packed full of guys. not sure what to do besides try to look extra cute. lol! spaking of, i have to decide what i'm doin with my hair this morning because it looks like it will be going up in a wet bun and i'm not sure if that's going to be cute at a bar.... lol.

Going out in groups is a hard way to meet new people. 1, you feel very comfortable not meeting anyone new because you have your friends to talk to, you aren't forced to try to talk to someone else. 2, strangers feel less comfortable to approach a girl in a pack.

When you go to a bar, spend some time at the actual bar. this is where most new convos are started. if you're meeting friends, get there early so you'll have some time without them, and be chatty with other folks hanging out at the bar.

 

[tocktick]

i'm not trying too too hard, honestly. i'm just living! I go out with my girlfriends pretty much every weekend for the most part. or i go to house parties. saturday, i went to a BBQ, and then another house gathering that evening with friends... i met a few new people.. but no guys!! i really have to be careful though because i am quick to assume that most men are gay. one guy i met saturday night was shockingly straight but he works in theater and has a total flamboyant tone to his voice.... not saying that i'd be interested in dating him because well, he really did sound more effeminate and he seemed to be kind of a douche bag... but when i hang out with my gay friends i assume that i'm in a room full of them so i.... should just be aware, and not make assumptions on everyone just yet....

tonight, i'm going out for my friend's birthday. just drinks after work at a bar that is usually jam packed full of guys. not sure what to do besides try to look extra cute. lol! spaking of, i have to decide what i'm doin with my hair this morning because it looks like it will be going up in a wet bun and i'm not sure if that's going to be cute at a bar.... lol.

re: bold. I used to think to myself, "why am I not meeting (many) guys?" etc. I didn't see what in the world I was doing wrong and thought it was something to do with me even thought I'd upped my hair, skin, body etc game and had become more confident.

When I analysed things closely, I realised I actually just wasn't putting myself out there. I thought I was putting myself forward by going to house-parties, bbqs, turning up to work or school look, going to the bar/club with friends, just being outside. I really thought it was enough. Eh...not so much . Sure, I was meeting guys and getting checked out at these places but the pool of men was limited. Therefore, there was an increased chance that the guys interested in me weren't really the ones I was feeling that much. It seems like you're running across the same thing.

I thought about how people really met their SO (typically though university clubs etc) and realised that I never put myself in those situations whilst at school. Now that I've finished, it seems like my best chances of meeting the guys who have similar interests in me would be to join classes, clubs etc. You get the chance to build up rapport and attraction to someone and get to know their character better. The guys approaching me on the street or the bar aren't really the ones that I want to be with.