I met the PERFECT guy! But...

[Slave4Hair]

Ugh! I met this guy...online. We met, had a date, it was perfect, he's such a gentleman. He's funny, 6'5 , smart. The only thing is...he's 29 and he lives at home with him mama!! Also he is a bartender...thats it. I don't want to come across as a gold digger, but one of the things I look for in men is stability. I have only dated men with college degree's. Education is really important to me and my family erplexed This guy never finished his associates. Apparently he go out of the navy two years ago and ever since he has been living at home with his mom. At first, because we hit it off so well and he treats me better than any man I have ever met, i overlooked these flaws. Now, it's really starting to get to me. It's annoying that he always comes over to my place, and though he always pays for dinner, drinks, movies, whatever...I always think to myself, could he support a family on this salary? What would happen if he moved out, could he support himself on this salary? I live in DC, it's pretty expensive to live here. I am a graduate student living with 2 roomies (also classmates) and i really don't like having them in my business every time he comes over.

He claims he will move out in the fall...but who really knows. He also claims he's going back to school...for his associates degree in the fall. I know I sound snotty, but it's just so different. My last SO was making really good money, white collar job, he was very ambitious and that was a big turn on for me. He was also 29, I remember when he was laid off, he still refused to live at home because he said men don't live off their mama's. I asked this guy why he was living at home, thinking, maybe he was saving up for something? But i think he just...wants to? He gave me no reason.

Am i overreacting or do i have a right to feel this way? I really like him but I am having trouble seeing past this issue, help me

 

[allmundjoi]

Take it slow. He may continue his education. You already have the ring on, the contractions 3 minutes apart, and the first mortgage paid for. Lol. Breath. I don't like the living with his mother, hate it, but ask him his time line for school and moving out. If its reasonable and it seems like he is working towards it, well work with him.

Does he have his own car? Now if he doesn't...living with his Momma AND no car...head for the hills and block his number. If he is a baby daddy...don't tell us, these tricks will rip him apart.

 

[Slave4Hair]

Take it slow. He may continue his education. You already have the ring on, the contractions 3 minutes apart, and the first mortgage paid for. Lol. Breath. I don't like the living with his mother, hate it, but ask him his time line for school and moving out. If its reasonable and it seems like he is working towards it, well work with him.

Does he have his own car? Now if he doesn't...living with his Momma AND no car...head for the hills and block his number. If he is a baby daddy...don't tell us, these tricks will rip him apart.

Lol your right. Yeah thank gawd he does have his own car and no kids. i guess thats a plus! Why is it so hard to find a guy that has everything together? I swear if i could combine this guy with my ex= perfection

 

[allmundjoi]

Lol your right. Yeah thank gawd he does have his own car and no kids. i guess thats a plus! Why is it so hard to find a guy that has everything together? I swear if i could combine this guy with my ex= perfection

If the ex was so great (with the career and education) you'd be with him right now right? I am not saying to settle, but some people are slower to move than others this guy may be a slow mover. Does he have any issues from his time in the military? Psych issues?

Doesn't he get benefits? School paid for? Forgive me, I am not entirely clear how that really works.

 

[hopeful]

I wouldn't date him if I knew I wanted a college-educated guy. Wanting a college-educated man is not being picky, it's a non-superficial thing that is important to you. If he was uneducated but appearing to be ambitious it would be easier to overlook his lack of education, but bartender, living with mom, thinking about going to school at 29 is not very impressive. You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not. He sounds like a nice guy but like that just isn't enough for you.

 

[lushcoils]

I wouldn't date him, but depending on the answers to the following, maybe you could give him a chance...

What are his long term goals in terms of career and marriage? What kind of career does he want in the next 5-10 years? Does he want to be a provider? Has he applied for school in the fall? Is he actually doing anything to help him move out? If I was going to date him I would need his concrete long term goals supported by ACTION, not just talk.

 

[firecracker]

If you have time to wait or waste deal with him but if not stop don't go any further.
You already said education and stability is important to you so find an educated stable man to date. Timing is everything. Maybe he will get his stuff together and you guys can revisit dating. Believe me its possible that you two could be on the same page later on. Its just not happening now. He needs to get his own place so ya'll can have some privacy. LOL

 

[*CherryPie*]

If you want a college educated guy.....get who you WANT. It's not like you're asking for something wild and crazy! It's just what you like. Down the line, you will be really angry at yourself if you settle for less than you desire.

 

[NOEChic]

Take it slow. He may continue his education. You already have the ring on, the contractions 3 minutes apart, and the first mortgage paid for. Lol. Breath. I don't like the living with his mother, hate it, but ask him his time line for school and moving out. If its reasonable and it seems like he is working towards it, well work with him.

Does he have his own car? Now if he doesn't...living with his Momma AND no car...head for the hills and block his number. If he is a baby daddy...don't tell us, these tricks will rip him apart.

dead

 

[**SaSSy**]

A guy with no college degree isn't a deal-break if he had all his other qualities in order, but this guy saying he was thinking about going to school doesn't sounds like a guy who at his age knows what he wants in life. I wouldn't totally dismiss him, but I would definitely keep my options open for dating other men.

 

[ThickHair]

This guy is not perfect for you. He does not have everything your desire. He is giving you the warm fuzzies and you like it. Nothing wrong with dating but like the other poster mentioned, pump ya breaks, you are moving quickly.

Being sweet and paying for dates is nice but there is more to life than that. If you two start coloring please be careful because you know his station in life right now. You can not fall in love in what he could be; you have to be cool with were he is RIGHT NOW.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

At first I thought you should give him a chance and find out where his head's at. Then I re-read your OP and changed my mind. Don't settle or less than what you want. A college degree is not unreasonable. I'm curious is he okay with just being a bartender or does he have plans? Either way I don't lame you for having doubts and don't feel bad or superficial for ending it if you do.

 

[meesch]

i would date him for fun but i would constantly be on the look out for something better before i accidentally ended up stuck with him

i would go out with him for fun but it would definitely be clear that it was casual and NEVER headed toward exclusivity.

 

[meesch]

This guy is not perfect for you. He does not have everything your desire. He is giving you the warm fuzzies and you like it. Nothing wrong with dating but like the other poster mentioned, pump ya breaks, you are moving quickly.

Being sweet and paying for dates is nice but there is more to life than that. If you two start coloring please be careful because you know his station in life right now. You can not fall in love in what he could be; you have to be cool with were he is RIGHT NOW.

right. sometimes we are so used to dating garbage men that any man doing the BARE MINIMUM seems like the holy grail. this is what he is SUPPOSED to do. being a gentleman does NOT make him exceptional, it makes him garden variety quality!

and op you say youre in dc???? from everything i read about dc i would think being a 30 year old who lives at home with mom is just unheard of. i thought everyone was super ambitious and professionally driven in dc, and this guy has a hs diploma.

i dont think theres anything wrong with dating fun guys just for fun, but for me there has to be a clear divide between the kind of guy im just burning time with and the kind of guy i know i could be serious with. my current bf has more or less everything on the checklist that i would need to consider a future with him. and even so i STILL wonder well is this or this good enough? you know? i still want to make sure, and thats even WITHOUT having any glaring flaws or lacking something.

if i knew from the start that he was lacking something i fundamentally needed in my relationships, i cant imagine how badly that would wear on me and make me feel bad about myself down the line. we are always trying to make sure we didnt settle, right? we want a man we can be proud of, who does us justice... if you know from the start you cant get with that, youre only going to be fighting a constant battle with yourself later, trying to convince yourself you didnt settle... especially when you know you did.

 

[Slave4Hair]

right. sometimes we are so used to dating garbage men that any man doing the BARE MINIMUM seems like the holy grail. this is what he is SUPPOSED to do. being a gentleman does NOT make him exceptional, it makes him garden variety quality!

and op you say youre in dc???? from everything i read about dc i would think being a 30 year old who lives at home with mom is just unheard of. i thought everyone was super ambitious and professionally driven in dc, and this guy has a hs diploma.

i dont think theres anything wrong with dating fun guys just for fun, but for me there has to be a clear divide between the kind of guy im just burning time with and the kind of guy i know i could be serious with. my current bf has more or less everything on the checklist that i would need to consider a future with him. and even so i STILL wonder well is this or this good enough? you know? i still want to make sure, and thats even WITHOUT having any glaring flaws or lacking something.

if i knew from the start that he was lacking something i fundamentally needed in my relationships, i cant imagine how badly that would wear on me and make me feel bad about myself down the line. we are always trying to make sure we didnt settle, right? we want a man we can be proud of, who does us justice... if you know from the start you cant get with that, youre only going to be fighting a constant battle with yourself later, trying to convince yourself you didnt settle... especially when you know you did.

Everything you said is so true. Even when I was with my ex I questioned if he was right for me. He had a good job, his own place, and nice car, he was just really cocky and sometimes kind of mean. He would have these mood swings and I knew if anything they were just going to get worse with time, so I let him go. Now I regret it.

Dating in DC is interesting because I meet lots of successful men, but it seems like they are all super cocky. They know women are impressed with them, and they can have anyone they want, so they think they deserve to be worshiped. That has been my experience with several men here. It seems like whenever black men have some degree of success, whether it's a degree, or a good paying job, etc...they think they are trophies and women should fight to the death over them

 

[Slave4Hair]

This guy is not perfect for you. He does not have everything your desire. He is giving you the warm fuzzies and you like it. Nothing wrong with dating but like the other poster mentioned, pump ya breaks, you are moving quickly.

Being sweet and paying for dates is nice but there is more to life than that. If you two start coloring please be careful because you know his station in life right now. You can not fall in love in what he could be; you have to be cool with were he is RIGHT NOW.

Very true. I think i see him as perfect because no guy has ever treated me the way he does. A lot of men I meet are jerks, I didn't know men this chivalrous still existed. I am starting to wonder if you have to compromise, either the guy is less stable, but sweet and loving, or stable/ successful, yet a jerk.

 

[hopeful]

Very true. I think i see him as perfect because no guy has ever treated me the way he does. A lot of men I meet are jerks, I didn't know men this chivalrous still existed. I am starting to wonder if you have to compromise, either the guy is less stable, but sweet and loving, or stable/ successful, yet a jerk.

Then keep dating him and see how it goes. Men date and marry less successful women all of the time and seem quite happy. I have met very few women, especially black women, who are satisfied with a less successful man. But if you believe he is such a sweetheart that it's worth the trade off, then that is fine. The main thing is to accept him for who he is and accept you may be the breadwinner. Just don't make him a project or think you can change him. He sounds like a nice guy and doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. I know I wouldn't want a guy to see dating me as a "compromise" though.

 

[Skiggle]

I wouldn't date him for too long, sounds like you maybe settling....

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Financial stability is important to me. At 29, I would not be willing to wait for him to get it together. Besides, most men will be jerks sometimes. Better a jerk with money than one without.

 

[Kindheart]

Everything you said is so true. Even when I was with my ex I questioned if he was right for me. He had a good job, his own place, and nice car, he was just really cocky and sometimes kind of mean. He would have these mood swings and I knew if anything they were just going to get worse with time, so I let him go. Now I regret it.

Dating in DC is interesting because I meet lots of successful men, but it seems like they are all super cocky. They know women are impressed with them, and they can have anyone they want, so they think they deserve to be worshiped. That has been my experience with several men here. It seems like whenever black men have some degree of success, whether it's a degree, or a good paying job, etc...they think they are trophies and women should fight to the death over them

Don't regret leaving your ex,he sounds like a narcisisst ,he was mean to you and that's not acceptable.

About the mamas boy,If education,money and social status are the things that attract you the most in a man then he s not for you ,keep in mind alot of successful men have very high standards too and more dating options so make sure you have equal desirabile qualities to offer.
The guy sounds good but as you said its important that he ll be able to provide for a family.
Just a suggestion to all th single ladies Dont be overly picky .

 

[Theo]

It sounds like you need to get to know him better first. Find out what his long term goals are and if he's planning to go further in his education. He's probably treating you really nice cuz you're a prize for him, sounds like you have your stuff together (in grad school and all of that). If he's motivated y'all could go on to do great things!

 

[FoxxyLocs]

It sounds like you need to get to know him better first. Find out what his long term goals are and if he's planning to go further in his education. He's probably treating you really nice cuz you're a prize for him, sounds like you have your stuff together (in grad school and all of that). If he's motivated y'all could go on to do great things!

I've had several friends get with guys that treated them really nice in the beginning because they were seen as a meal ticket. Later down the road when the guys got comfortable, they weren't perfect gentlemen anymore. They were just regular men with issues, problems, and mood swings just like everyone else...but they were broke.

Not to say that you should expect every man to be an overall jerk, just that everyone has their moments. And it's a lot easier to get through those moments if you aren't struggling financially on top of dealing with the normal ups and downs of a long term relationship.

Your ex sounds like he's no good, but I'm sure there are successful men out there who aren't jerks. Just pay attention during your first few interactions. It should be easy to weed out the ones who think they're God's gift to the universe.

 

[firecracker]

If he is truly a nice caring person. Keep him as a friend after you finish casually dating him. There is away to change the direction of the relationship without him being none the wiser that he doesn't meet your prerequisites for a man. First you are in school so you can be too busy right now in your life for a committed relationship. Secondly even out the playing field by not letting him pay for everything so he won't feel used. That doesn't mean you pay for real dinners like a man does. Do simple stuff you'd do with any friend male or female. Treat for coffee, invite him to happy hour buy his butt two discount drinks etc and nurture the friendship.

Timing is everything. We all need good friends especially a platonic male friend. They fix stuff, come to yo rescue and alot more but you can't be about that friends with benefits nonsense. Real friends don't screw!

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Move on. He already sounds like he's not that close to what you want in a man. He's not the perfect guy. And I feel if you have to get time lines and stuff concerning education, it's time to just throw up the deuces. Sounds like a loser to a certain extent.

 

[Slave4Hair]

If he is truly a nice caring person. Keep him as a friend after you finish casually dating him. There is away to change the direction of the relationship without him being none the wiser that he doesn't meet your prerequisites for a man. First you are in school so you can be too busy right now in your life for a committed relationship. Secondly even out the playing field by not letting him pay for everything so he won't feel used. That doesn't mean you pay for real dinners like a man does. Do simple stuff you'd do with any friend male or female. Treat for coffee, invite him to happy hour buy his butt two discount drinks etc and nurture the friendship.

Timing is everything. We all need good friends especially a platonic male friend. They fix stuff, come to yo rescue and alot more but you can't be about that friends with benefits nonsense. Real friends don't screw!

Really good advice! Thank you!

 

[VelvetRain]

Noone can tell you not to date him but you as it's solely your decision. My thing is don't overlook a man's potential just because he may not be where you are in life. People and situations do change and often for the better. My thing is look how progressive he is with his life now. What are his life plans? It's funny how people are saying at 29 you have to financially stable. How many women in this thread were financially stable meaning not living from paycheck to paycheck at the age 29? It's funny how we expect the world from someone else and it's a world we haven't been living in ourselves. No pun intended.

 

[caltron]

I would KIM. This dude is not a spring chicken and he is no where close to being stable. He did not finish his Associate's degree, which tells me that he does not finish what he starts. He then went to the Navy, and got out of that without having a solid game plan of what to do afterward. I know the economy is rough out there for new grads, but it seems like he was a drifter before things got really hard. At 29, he ought to have some sort of plan to take care of himself and a family.


The fact that he swept you off your feet on the first date is actually kind of a red flag for me. Kangs are usually very charming at the beginning. They hook you early and then once they "got you" they will reveal themselves in their full kang glory. The line about him "planning on moving out" also would concern me. Why hasn't he done this already? Kangs always have wonderful plans that they never seem to be able to find the time to implement.

The fact that he doesn't have a college degree is just a further negative. It's one thing if he didn't have it, but had a good job. But this guy has nothing and I don't see that he has the character or qualifications to get one.

I see nothing about this guy that would say that he is long term relationship material. You have a lot going for you and you can do much better. You need to find a man who is "on your level."

I am not an elitist or gold digger by any means. My dh grew up hard and was a high school drop out. But he was a very hard worker with ambition and excellent social skills and so he was able to make up for that. He actually makes a lot more money than I do with much more earning potentia than I have with my umpteen degrees. We also have similar views on education and have great conversations about many topics. So it made sense for me to make an exception for him since he basically met my needs even without the degree.

It's one thing to waive a couple of items on your checklist, but another thing to lower your standards. Two totally different things.

 

[SummerSolstice]

Slave4Hair... if education is your standard, go with it. I've been dating men without degrees before my current bf. He has a master's and was raised in private schools and went to prestigious universities. He is TOTALLY different from the other men I've dated. Granted his personality is a huge part of that, but his ability to articulate his feelings and desires and think logically is a gift that I believe was honed through his extensive education. If you have that standard stick to it. I wish I had when I left college. Weeding through the foolishness would've been much easier. And IMO its hard to really connect with someone who is not as smart as you. Not saying that college dictates intelligence, but those who choose that path usually have their intentions in the right place. I would exclude successful small business owners from this rule as well in some cases. In fact theres always an exclusion but you can never be sure, ya kno... just take it slow...
PS... My most damaged boyfriend was an army guy

 

[ThickHair]

It's one thing to waive a couple of items on your checklist, but another thing to lower your standards. Two totally different things.

^^^^^^THIS.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Noone can tell you not to date him but you as it's solely your decision. My thing is don't overlook a man's potential just because he may not be where you are in life. People and situations do change and often for the better. My thing is look how progressive he is with his life now. What are his life plans? It's funny how people are saying at 29 you have to financially stable. How many women in this thread were financially stable meaning not living from paycheck to paycheck at the age 29? It's funny how we expect the world from someone else and it's a world we haven't been living in ourselves. No pun intended.

29 is old not to have at least gotten started. There are many 29 year olds who are well educated and financially stable, and no reason why they shouldn't be looking for someone who is in the same position, or at least working on a plan (enrolled in school, starting a business, etc.).

There are other people who are late bloomers or whatever, who may not realize their full potential until their 30s or even 40s and that's fine. But it's up to each person to decide for themselves if they are ok with waiting around and just hoping that this person will get it together.

Really you should only stick it out if you are ok with where they are right now. You shouldn't count on the chance that one day their potential will translate into actual accomplishments.