I may have broked them up......

[Kinkyhairlady]

One of my closest male friends calls me up yesterday asking for advice about his relationship with his long time girlfriend. They have been together for 7 years and they are both in their mid to late 20s. Anyways apparently the girl wants to get married and her mother has offered to pay for the wedding.

At first my friend had no problem with this, his problem was the fact that the girl is Catholic and he is Baptist and the girls mom insist that her daughter get married in a Catholic church and he wants to get married in a Baptist church with a Pastor not a Priest. I on the other hand noticed so many other things wrong with this situation and I thought as a friend I should give him the best advice I could. I brought to his attention that it is not a good idea for the mom to pay for the wedding because this can cause so many issues later on down the road for them as a married couple.

The mom will never have respect for him as a man, she may continually bring up the fact that he did not have a dime to marry her daughter and she had to pay for it. The first sign is that it seems like he does not have much say on how the wedding is going to be done, the mom is basically calling all the shots so she can give her daughter a dream wedding.

My friend is a very good man and he loves the girl very much but the bottom line is he does not have the money to get married and he should not have the girls family taking advantage of him. He cannot even afford to buy an engagement ring for her. I told him if you cannot afford to have a wedding then don’t have one cause once you are married financial issues will only get worse. I felt that it would be better if he saved up his money or got a second job whatever it takes to have a wedding he paid for with his wife. The mother can help but for her to pay the whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen.

Well while talking to him, he starts crying uncontrollably on the phone and starting saying I'm breaking up with her, I breaking up with her. He then hangs ups on me. I try calling him multiple times but no answer. I am so freaked out I don’t know what happened and I feel so bad. I was just giving him advice and now I could have potentially ruined a relationship. The girl is a sweet girl and I think they are good together I was just trying to tell him to eliminate the mother in law to be from being too much into their wedding planning. This has really had me start thinking about advice I give to my friends. Sometimes it may make them take really drastic decisions and I somehow become responsible for it. I just hope he did not break up with her cause if he did, I will feel so guilty about that forever. I just did not want to sugarcoat it for him, I just think it is a mistake but was I wrong telling him that? Should I have just said do what makes you happy?

 

[TrulyBlessed]

Call me traditional but it is very common for the bride's parents to plan and pay for the wedding. Both of my parents paid every dime for my sister's wedding and they plan to pay 100% for mine in the future as well. My sister and my mom worked hard together in the planning and her husband (fiance at the time) didn't do much at all except help taste the wedding cake. They've been married over 7 years and not once has paying for the wedding (expensive at that) been an issue. He's taking good care of her and their children and that's all we as a family ask of him. If it were me I would be happy for my friend and show him support during what should be an exciting and special time in his life. He should be happy that his future mother in law supports their relationship enough to want to pay for the entire wedding. It could be worse, she could prefer not to want to have anything to do with their union at all. She loves her daughter and wants to make this time special so I wouldn't go as far to say that he should feel threatened because of money and that she'll throw it in his face in the future.

 

[dlewis]

If you were being honest with him and thats how to felt, that's what friends should do.

I agree with TrulyBlessed. My parents didn't paid a dime on my wedding but it is tradition for the brides parents to pay for the wedding.

 

[Bunny77]

My mom is already picking out locations for my wedding and I don't even have a man!

The other thing is that they've been together seven years and they don't need to be delaying marriage any more if that's what they both want. They don't need an expensive wedding and really, it's not about the wedding in the end anyway... weddings are dog-and-pony shows -- it's about the MARRIAGE and if they have what it takes to be together for a lifetime!

Edited to add: He does need to get his finances together though... there's engagement rings that cost $1000 and if you can't afford that...

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

He did bring up that it is tradition for the parents to pay for the wedding, which I agreed but I also feel like most of the time the guy is financially stable and the parents are aware of that and don't mind spending the money for their daughter because they know they are sending her off to someone who is going to be taking care of her financially in the future.

If he cannot even purchase a ring, how is he going to afford to even put a security deposit on an apartment and buy furniture to put in the home. I definately think they should get married but he needs to be ready.

He wants to marry her but he is aware he can't afford to and her and her mom are forcing the situation. He is 29 and she is 27 I just feel if the wedding is postponed till 2010 it won't be the end of the world. That will give him enough time to get the ring and plan something for him and her. He does not even want to get married in a a catholic church, that is not his religion. The girl claims she will convert after the wedding. I just think that they are playing him and she and her mom just want to have a wedding and he is just there standing in.

I am definately happy for them both and I would like to see things work out but I feel like it is better to wait and have a lasting marriage then to rush because everyone else is getting married only to get a divorce.

My friend is very scared right now about this and although he loves her he is unsure about too many things I just don't feel that you should get married when you have so many doubts but you don't need to break up either just think it through.

 

[sunshinelady]

broked? Dang, that's some ebonical glory right there.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

I really don't think he will break up with her. He's just in doubt right now and really confused. Sounds like you said some things he really didn't want to hear. U know how it is when a person calls for advice but don't care for the advice given? If you were being honest in your opinions I can't really say that you were wrong. He asked and you gave him an answer.

I don't see anything wrong with the brides mom paying for the wedding due to traditions but I do have a problem with his financial situation and the religion issue.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

broked? Dang, that's some ebonical glory right there.

I am sorry if you find my grammer off for you. I should say " I may have broken them up" Happy now.

 

[DayStar]

in my culture the man pays for the wedding

if he is your friend...i dont think you did anything wrong

 

[DarkHair]

I agree with Truly Blessed and dlewis.

At first glance it sounds like you were talking about me and DH. He and I paid for our wedding and my mother paid for what we couldn't. I had problems with her 'taking over', but even my dad (who didn't pay much) said 'It's your mama money, let her spend it.' We've been married for almost 9 months, BUT that money has NEVER been an issue with my mom. To this day she sends groceries, gave us furniture, etc. Granted DH works three jobs because he wants to take care of me and our home. Your friend doesn't have to break up with her, they can just plan the wedding for 2010 and not have a 'grand affair'. He'll have to buckle down and get finances in order to take on a wife and marriage though.

Bunny77, I know what you mean. My mom bought me maternity clothes LAST Christmas.

 

[LivingDoll]

I see another issue here. Their differences in religion is disaster waiting to happen. I think they need to be on one accord before uniting. That's just as big, if not bigger than the money issue.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

The religion is definately one of the reasons he is doubting things but he figured after they get married she will commit to his religion. She claims she will convert after the wedding but who knows if that is true or not. Religion and Money are two things that I think cause huge issues in relationships and he happens to have both as an issue right now. I have not heard from him all day so I have no idea what happened last night, I just hope he thought things through before saying anything to her. I also hope he does not tell her he was asking me for advice then I will really be in trouble.

 

[LivingDoll]

The religion is definately one of the reasons he is doubting things but he figured after they get married she will commit to his religion. She claims she will convert after the wedding but who knows if that is true or not. Religion and Money are two things that I think cause huge issues in relationships and he happens to have both as an issue right now. I have not heard from him all day so I have no idea what happened last night, I just hope he thought things through before saying anything to her. I also hope he does not tell her he was asking me for advice then I will really be in trouble.

Why would he "figure" that?

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Why would he "figure" that?

In our culture, I am Haitian, usually the female follows the mans relgion. What ever she was before she converts to what he is. I guess that is why he figures she will leave the catholic religion for his baptist religion. According to the bible it says the wife must submit to her husband, well if he is going to one church his wife she be by his side. That is how i see it and how I think he sees it as well.

 

[gabulldawg]

In our culture, I am Haitian, usually the female follows the mans religion. What ever she was before she converts to what he is. I guess that is why he figures she will leave the catholic religion for his baptist religion. According to the bible it says the wife must submit to her husband, well if he is going to one church his wife she be by his side. That is how i see it and how I think he sees it as well.

That's what my mom did. She was raised Catholic before they got married and my dad was baptist. When they got married my mom became Baptist and me and my siblings have been raised as baptists. We still know a lot about the Catholic religion and attend Catholic services occasionally, especially since the majority (if not all) of my mother's siblings are still Catholics.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

Maybe there were other issues you didn't know about. Granted he didn't make alot of money to finance a wedding, but I dont think that could possibly cause problems further in the relationship. I know my parents, were broke as a joke when they got married. They just budgeted themselves well until they advanced in their jobs over the years to afford to live more lavishly.

To just end a 7 year relationship just because of your input doesn't make much sense to me. He definitely had doubts

 

[awhyley]

He wants out, seriously. I'm thinking that his issues with his future mother-in-law and her family that he hasn't and does not want to address. Your opinion is your opinion. If he didn't like the advice, he didn't have to follow it. If he wanted the wedding to continue, it woudl still be on. Right now, he may need some time and space to think about where he is in life, and where he wants to go.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Maybe there were other issues you didn't know about. Granted he didn't make alot of money to finance a wedding, but I dont think that could possibly cause problems further in the relationship. I know my parents, were broke as a joke when they got married. They just budgeted themselves well until they advanced in their jobs over the years to afford to live more lavishly.

To just end a 7 year relationship just because of your input doesn't make much sense to me. He definitely had doubts

yup...at that point he pretty much had his mind made up...just looking for outside reinforcement.

 

[Keen]

In our culture, I am Haitian, usually the female follows the mans relgion. What ever she was before she converts to what he is. I guess that is why he figures she will leave the catholic religion for his baptist religion. According to the bible it says the wife must submit to her husband, well if he is going to one church his wife she be by his side. That is how i see it and how I think he sees it as well.

True but I think this is a Haitian thing only. It sure is not like that in the US. If they do get married in a Catholic church, the church expect them to raise their kids catholic. If they get married in a protestant church, I don't think the church recognize the marriage.

I use to be of the mindset that I'd convert because that's how I was raised but now that I'm grown, I don't think I would...

 

[ThickHair]

I am not saying this to be mean but you should have kept your mouth shut. It was none of your business. I know that he brought it to you, but you should have told him to do what is best for him and moved on to another subject. Stuff like that can get you cut.

 

[Syrah]

in my culture the man pays for the wedding

if he is your friend...i dont think you did anything wrong

What culture is that? (honest, serious question)

 

[sky_blu]

I am not saying this to be mean but you should have kept your mouth shut. It was none of your business. I know that he brought it to you, but you should have told him to do what is best for him and moved on to another subject. Stuff like that can get you cut.

And thats where I disagree. He came to her for advice for a reason, whether he wanted to get out before he came to her or not she give her opinion. I hate going to people for advice and they tell me to do whats best for me. When people ask for advice they're asking for a reason whether to back them up or change their mind. She didn't butt in and offer it she was asked.

 

[MrsWatson]

In my opinion, the biggest issue here is the difference of religion. I have seen firsthand how big of a task it is to marry someone who doesn't share your same religious views. I have also seen this issue be dealt with and a happy marriage ensue (although there was a rift when deciding how to raise the children). It takes a lot of communication, a lot of time and even some sacrifice to make it work, but it definitely can be done.
As far as the wedding is concerned, I don't think it is a disaster waiting to happen just because her mom is paying for it. I guess it all depends on the mom and her personality. My dad is paying for my entire wedding and it is a well known fact that SO and I could never afford what my dad is shelling out. No one looks down at SO because of it though, but like I said it all depends on the girls mom and her attitude. I hope he doesn't break up with her over this. All these things can be discussed and worked out. If he breaks up with her, I think there has to be some unknown underlying reason as to why. This doesn't seem like reason enough to end a 7 year relationship.

 

[Much2much41]

I am not saying this to be mean but you should have kept your mouth shut. It was none of your business. I know that he brought it to you, but you should have told him to do what is best for him and moved on to another subject. Stuff like that can get you cut.

It wouldn't have been her business if he hadn't brought it to her, but he did, and she gave him her honest opinion. Don't ask a question if you're not ready for the answer.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

In our culture, I am Haitian, usually the female follows the mans relgion. What ever she was before she converts to what he is. I guess that is why he figures she will leave the catholic religion for his baptist religion. According to the bible it says the wife must submit to her husband, well if he is going to one church his wife she be by his side. That is how i see it and how I think he sees it as well.

I guess my parents (whom are Haitian) forgot to tell me this! lol I'm Catholic and my SO isn't but I would NEVER change my religion or anything about what I believe in for my husband. Thank goodness I picked this up from American culture.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

.....................

 

[seraphinelle]

About the quote above, if he is going to use the Bible as justification, then he should go ahead and use the part about being EQUALLY YOKED. He has no business trying to marry someone who is not a Bible believing Christian in the first place if he is going to use the Bible as his foundation.

Oh dear.



Catholics get attacked in the relationship forum too.

Anyway, religion doesn't HAVE to be a problem if you don't want it to.

I have a good friend that has a Hindu mother and Catholic father. She celebrates Divali and Easter, and whatnot.

Nobody insisted on her HAVING to pick a religion, because as stated religion is a personal decision, and if she wants to do both, and that floats her boat, then so be it.

I have a Catholic father and Anglican mother. They got married in an Anglican Church, and we were all baptised Catholic. If I attend church, I"ll go to which ever one is closer.

Money is the biggest issue here.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Oh dear.



Catholics get attacked in the relationship forum too.

Anyway, religion doesn't HAVE to be a problem if you don't want it to.

I have a good friend that has a Hindu mother and Catholic father. She celebrates Divali and Easter, and whatnot.

Nobody insisted on her HAVING to pick a religion, because as stated religion is a personal decision, and if she wants to do both, and that floats her boat, then so be it.

I have a Catholic father and Anglican mother. They got married in an Anglican Church, and we were all baptised Catholic. If I attend church, I"ll go to which ever one is closer.

Money is the biggest issue here.

would you mind pointing out where I attacked a Catholic person? Because maybe you're seeing something I'm not but my post does not disparage, degrade, or belittle Catholics any way. Perhaps you have me confused with some other religous bigot. Check the credits. That is NOT me.

If you disagree about the bigger issue, fine, but that does not mean I'm wrong or you're wrong. We just have different opinions.

And I'm not the one who brought the Bible and Christianity up. I was merely making a Biblical point...that has absolutely nothing to do with a Catholic nor did the rest of my post.

 

[seraphinelle]

I agree with the ladies who stated that the religion thing is far more serious than the money thing. I have a dear friend who is going THROUGH it because he is non-denominational Christian and his wife is Catholic and woo Lawd...they are having a time. I'm not saying it can't be done...it's just really tough for most folks, especially if they were raised in one religion.

About the quote above, if he is going to use the Bible as justification, then he should go ahead and use the part about being EQUALLY YOKED. He has no business trying to marry someone who is not a Bible believing Christian in the first place if he is going to use the Bible as his foundation.

And personally, I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to be converting to anything on account of another person. Religion and spirituality are terribly personal and intimate matters, and a person needs to be making those kinds of decisions based on research, faith, belief, interaction with the god(s)/goddess(es), prayer, meditation, etc. "Switching" religions is not like changing hairstyles or jobs. Your very life is a large reflection of where you are or are not spiritually and to be one thing up until you are pronounced man and wife and then jump the physical, marital, and religous broom all willy nilly is irresponsible and dangerous, IMO.

?????????????

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

I don't understand where most people are interpreting the problems of the relationship to revolve around religion. They were together for a SIGNIFICANT amount of time prior to getting married, don't you think that any serious issues/ differences regarding religion would have been brought up during that time????

Also I feel like money is a secondary issue as well unless their own personal issues with dealing with money (personal budgeting, debt, etc.) has caused problems in there relationship in the past. Lack of money and/or religion by themselves WILL NOT cause someone to end a 7 year relationship and engagement over

Again, there are deeper problems that your friend never discussed with you