I made the mistake of saying "I love you" first

[isawstars]

And I am paying for it...

I hope this isn't ridiculous of me but... I've been feeling insecure ever since I told my boyfriend "I love you" first. We're both almost 24 years old and I told him 3 months into our relationship... which may seem too fast but it felt like eternity to let it out because ever since our 2nd date I knew he was the one. He did act weird and get scared after I told him. When we finally discussed it he stated how he became afraid he was going to hurt me and doesn't want to hurt me. He also said how he had no idea if he could feel the same way.

Fortunately we were able to talk it out and I haven't said I love you ever since. Ever since, our relationship has been absolutely wonderful. BUT we've been together for 6 months now and he still hasn't said I love you. A couple days ago we talked about the discussion we had... okay okay, i brought it up because some of things he said stuck with me... even now, still. In response, my boyfriend said that it was a long time ago, he likes me a "whole lot" and if he didn't feel that way we wouldn't be together now. He even admitted that he acted weird because he was scared.

My gut tells me he does feel the same way about me by his actions: The background picture on his computer is of me, I've met practically his entire family, he invites me to family events, always holds my hand, spends a lot of time with me, confides in me and makes future plans. This should be enough to make me happy right??? I mean, I am happy but I'm afraid that I'm wasting my time.

What if 1 year comes around and he still cannot reciprocate my feelings. I've never felt this way about anyone and it's freaking me out. I'm ready to invest my time and life to our relationship but I'm terrified all because I don't know for sure that he loves me. He tells me "I like you a lot," "I like you so much" sporadically in certain conversations. I don't know what's wrong with me... When I say this out loud it sounds immature but I can't internalize this any longer. I need insight. I hope no one thinks this is stupid. I am in no way pressuring him to say I love you, and he has no idea that him not saying it bothers me. Sigh.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

I think that 3 months is a okay amount of time to spend with someone before you realize that you might be in love with them. Maybe he's never been in love with a woman before and doesn't know how to express himself. PERSONALLY, I couldn't be with someone for 6 months and we can't openly express our feelings for one another. By no means am I telling you to leave him, I just want you to tell him that he needs dig deep inside his heart and tell you how he feels about you.

 

[nicole625]

Although you may not feel like you are pressuring him, he may feel that you are because you have brought up the discussion twice already. You should never feel bad about loving someone so don't think you sound immature. I think that in due time, he will say those words to you as well. You want him to say it when he means it and not as a response to you saying it to him.

 

[SmileyNY]

My opinion...

He's afraid that if he tells you he loves you, you'll start to expect certain things... Like for your relationship to lead towards marriage & family down the line... And he's not sure if he wants that much pressure right now. He probably feels like he's young & shouldn't have to worry about being with the same person for the rest of his life right now.

I know that's a lot of assuming for 3 little words... But if he does love you, but hasn't said it, I think that's a possible (and common) reason.


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[hopeful]

Oh hon I am sorry you are going through this. I said it first too and we have been married 24 years now. When I first said it he got philosophical on me and did not say he loved me back. But a few weeks later he said it. So I can't imagine how stressful it would be to wait three more months and he still not say it back. If I were you my feelings would be hurt too. But, you know, he seems like he takes the word "love" very seriously and you only want him to say it if and when he is ready. I think he will say it soon, perhaps between 9 months and a year. You will just have to be patient and see what happens. There will come a point where you will know if it's taking too long for him to fall in love with you and then you will have to decide if you want to stay with him. Try to just take it one day at a time. And don't beat yourself up over saying it first, it's okay, never regret falling in love or saying I love you.

 

[itsjusthair88]

I think it's silly to put love on a "timeline"...I mean, perhaps it's just taking him longer to blurt it out? I'm a woman and it takes me longer than 3 months to figure out if I love someone...that's just my humble opinion.

 

[SmileyNY]

I think it's silly to put love on a "timeline"...I mean, perhaps it's just taking him longer to blurt it out? I'm a woman and it takes me longer than 3 months to figure out if I love someone...that's just my humble opinion.

ITA

In addition, I also think you may be a little infatuated. Infatuation is tricky b/c it can feel JUST like the real deal. My only reason for thinking that you may be is because you said you feel he's "the one". Idk if someone could truly know if a person is THE one before they are even at a stage where both can say I love you.

That doesn't mean he isn't the one. I just don't think your relationship is developed enough for you to know sure.

My mother thought my father was the one after a few dates. They ended up getting married & they have been married now for almost 30 years. Even so, my mom admits now that she was only infatuated at first. After TRULY falling in love with my father, she was able to look back and see how blind her feelings were.

If he shows affection, why stress over 3 words? There are plenty of guys who say I love you to their girls EVERY DAY... and then turn around & treat them like crap. Actions speak louder.


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[jenny87]

Don't feel silly. I have a similar situation going on right now with my not-boyfriend, emphasis on the NOT. So if anything, I feel silly. I read this article (in Essence I believe) and in it the author was saying that sometimes women get caught up on titles and words when we should look at the actions of the man. If you feel like he does, you are probably right.

Ultimately the author said it depends on how much it means to you.

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[ellegantelle]

IMO, it appears to be the same feelings that you guys have for each other, but different labeling for those feelings. You are equating your feelings for him as love. He is equating his feelings for you as liking you a lot. I do not know the ins and outs of your relationship but it appears that you are both on the same page. Maybe his definition of love is deeper than your definition of love. Or maybe he considers "love" and "in love" as the same, and because of that he knows he is not there yet. I agree with the previous posters, allow him to progress within the relationship at his own pace. He will eventually say the words "I love you" and at least you will know that the words have true meaning behind them.

 

[bunnie82]

i know how you feel...
i was in a relationship with someone for almost a year and neither of us said "i love you".....he ended up breaking up with me bc he didn't love me....we had an awesome relationship even though we didn't love each other..we did EVERYTHING together and his parents loved me..i guess we were really good FWB's??? it was kinda weird.....but that situation has made me insecure about future relationships.....haven't had one since and that was over a year ago....

 

[libertysince05]

perhaps the problem is that you expect something.
can you not love him, without expecting him to love you back?
I think if you drop/ignore your expectations for now, you'll be a lot happier and realise that 'i like you a lot' may actually mean something stronger.

 

[RegaLady]

perhaps the problem is that you expect something.
can you not love him, without expecting him to love you back?
I think if you drop/ignore your expectations for now, you'll be a lot happier and realise that 'i like you a lot' may actually mean something stronger.

IA.

I think when you truely love someone, you are giving instead of taking. Love him unconditionally and not to expect anything in return. That way, your expectations are lowered on reciprocation.

Also men love different ways than women do. Men love through action and doing and women love through words. Look more into what he does for you and the amount of time he spends with you, etc. Do not nag him into loving you because you may see withdrawl on his part.

 

[tinkat]

perhaps the problem is that you expect something.
can you not love him, without expecting him to love you back?
I think if you drop/ignore your expectations for now, you'll be a lot happier and realise that 'i like you a lot' may actually mean something stronger.

I totally agree

IA.

I think when you truely love someone, you are giving instead of taking. Love him unconditionally and not to expect anything in return. That way, your expectations are lowered on reciprocation.

Also men love different ways than women do. Men love through action and doing and women love through words. Look more into what he does for you and the amount of time he spends with you, etc. Do not nag him into loving you because you may see withdrawl on his part.

IA..I have learned that what matters is the actions when it comes to men. A person can easily say I love you but their actions do not match.


You should not feel like you made a mistake. From what it sounds like, you both have a really great relationship. He knows where you stand and you feel in your heart that he loves you too bc of what he shows you. That is all that matters. Just focus on what the love that is shared between the two of you. I said I love you first to my first love (we are not together) and I have no regrets, I would do it again in a heart beat. Its not about tit for tat or expecting anything, its just a knowing deep down in your heart. I knew it and just acted on it. Because when love is true, it remains even with the relationship ends. Plus it is not easy to say I love you to someone, even if you know it that you love them...it makes you feel very vulnerable. I never understood why men had to say that first....love is love is love.

 

[Windsy]

IA.

I think when you truely love someone, you are giving instead of taking. Love him unconditionally and not to expect anything in return. That way, your expectations are lowered on reciprocation.

Also men love different ways than women do. Men love through action and doing and women love through words. Look more into what he does for you and the amount of time he spends with you, etc. Do not nag him into loving you because you may see withdrawl on his part.

Exactly!!! If you love him, then love him. Stop expecting him to be on the same page with you when it comes to love. Also, there are different levels of love and everyone idea of love is very different. I would suggest that if you have to bring up the love conversation again, you focus on finding out his opinion of love and don't be surprised if it is totally different from yours!!!!

 

[isawstars]

Thanks ladies! I feel a lot better and less concerned now. I guess I'm just SO terrified that he's gonna break my heart that I've been focusing on that fear instead of our relationship. I hope I didn't ruin anything by bringing up that conversation again... but what's been done has been done. Oh well. Going forward I'm just going to have fun and be less intense.

 

[Mai Tai]

After reading your OP, I have to ask you...Did you tell him you loved him just so he would say it back, or because you truly do love him?

I told my SO I loved him first, and it took him like 2 months after to profess his love to me. I knew when I uttered those words, I ran the risk of it not being returned, but that was ok. I loved him regardless and continued to tell him despite his hesitation. When he finally did tellme he loved me, I cried because I knew it was coming from his heart, not from me pressuring him.

You have to let this man come to terms with professing his love on his own time because you want someone who loves you wholly instead of just reciting those words to make you happy.

 

[isawstars]

After reading your OP, I have to ask you...Did you tell him you loved him just so he would say it back, or because you truly do love him?

I told my SO I loved him first, and it took him like 2 months after to profess his love to me. I knew when I uttered those words, I ran the risk of it not being returned, but that was ok. I loved him regardless and continued to tell him despite his hesitation. When he finally did tellme he loved me, I cried because I knew it was coming from his heart, not from me pressuring him.

You have to let this man come to terms with professing his love on his own time because you want someone who loves you wholly instead of just reciting those words to make you happy.

I told him because he means the world to me. I've connected with anyone like I do with him. So when I said I love you, I added that he didn't have to say anything back. He just smiled and kissed me. And that was that.

I no longer feel like this is a big deal. Especially after getting this off my chest.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

If he shows affection, why stress over 3 words? There are plenty of guys who say I love you to their girls EVERY DAY... and then turn around & treat them like crap. Actions speak louder.

THIS THIS THIS!

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I've said I love you first before. But I've to fall in love, it took at least 2 years to get there.

My approach is if I tell you I love you, its because I do geniunely care and value you and your needs and I generally dont expect to here it back. If I hear it back, great. If you dont, I wont ask you about it and its a good chance I will still say it when appropriate. Why? True love for me isn't about reciprocity but my desire to let you know what I think about you.

If you think of love in a different way, you won't feel this pressure to hear it back. And before you know it, you'll hear it back.

 

[MzLady78]

After reading your OP, I have to ask you...Did you tell him you loved him just so he would say it back, or because you truly do love him?

I told my SO I loved him first, and it took him like 2 months after to profess his love to me. I knew when I uttered those words, I ran the risk of it not being returned, but that was ok. I loved him regardless and continued to tell him despite his hesitation. When he finally did tellme he loved me, I cried because I knew it was coming from his heart, not from me pressuring him.

You have to let this man come to terms with professing his love on his own time because you want someone who loves you wholly instead of just reciting those words to make you happy.

When I realized I was falling in love with ole boy, his response was not what I would have liked to hear but that was how I felt. When I knew I loved him, I told him (it was my b-day and I was a little , I probably wouldn't have otherwise), he told me he loved me too, that he knew he loved me for at least a month before this convo. He didn't want to admit it because things weren't supposed to get that deep between us.

If someone's feelings are dependent on reciprocity, I'd question how real they actually are.

 

[Bmack]

I said it first too, and I wanted to be swallowed by the earth after his reaction (similar to your SO’s). He is now my DH, so, calm your nerves and let things flow.

 

[LiftedUp]

I date with the intention of marriage and even I would be a little taken aback if after 3 mths my guy tells me that he loves me. It would cause me to pull away because honestly for me it takes time to really get to know a person to know if you honestly feel that way about them. Is this your first relationship?

 

[princessnad]

I guess I'll be the voice of dissent because I don't think it's "no big deal" that you guys have such a great relationship and he still isn't in love with you after 6 months.

I would feel uncomfortable and that we were on different pages.

 

[Arian]

There are plenty of guys who say I love you to their girls EVERY DAY... and then turn around & treat them like crap. Actions speak louder.


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CLAP CLAP CLAP! I am a survivor and witness of this!

 

[isawstars]

I figured I'd update you ladies... my boyfriend said I love you this weekend. It caught me off guard because we went to the lake late at night. It was super romantic and I just KNEW he would say it, but he didn't... And on the way home we stopped in Walmart, and that was when he told me I did not see that coming. I almost forgot to say it back because I was so thrown off lol. I'm glad I made myself be patient with him, I know he truly means it.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I figured I'd update you ladies... my boyfriend said I love you this weekend. It caught me off guard because we went to the lake late at night. It was super romantic and I just KNEW he would say it, but he didn't... And on the way home we stopped in Walmart, and that was when he told me I did not see that coming. I almost forgot to say it back because I was so thrown off lol. I'm glad I made myself be patient with him, I know he truly means it.

Awwwweeee.... I am happy for you.

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[hopeful]

I'm so happy for you OP. I had a feeling he would say it soon .

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

IA.

Also men love different ways than women do. Men love through action and doing and women love through words. Look more into what he does for you and the amount of time he spends with you, etc. Do not nag him into loving you because you may see withdrawl on his part.

ITA

If he shows affection, why stress over 3 words? There are plenty of guys who say I love you to their girls EVERY DAY... and then turn around & treat them like crap. Actions speak louder.

So so true... Especially the parts in bold.

[mention=13717833] isawstars [/mention], I can understand how you would feel a little insecure right now. But if I were you I wouldn't stress about it TOO much. Honestly, I think that you and your bf are on the same exact page. Men are just DIFFERENT with how they express their feelings. A lot of men don't grow up being "in touch" with their feelings as much as women do, so they don't learn to express them as well as we can.

But honestly, ACTIONS always trump mere words imo. A guy can tell you he loves you alllll day long, but treat you like crap. Idk about you, but after a while, his words wouldn't mean a hill of beans to me after a while. Plus, keep in mind that usually, it DOES take a man a little longer to "profess" his love to a woman. But you best believe that when a man finally SAYS that he loves you....he clearly usually means it because it probably took a lot for him to say it anyway. I don't care what anyone says, but saying "I Love You" is a BIG step! I don't just say "I love you" to anyone.

I would take it easy, revel in the nice ways he's treating you, STOP bringing up the discussion or repeating back ILY 24/7 and just ENJOY the time you spend with him. Trust me, a man who doesn't care for a woman doesn't do the things he has done with you. Also, a lot of men sometimes feel like when women say ILY, that they're really secretly trying to fish for those 3 little words from the man in reciprocation. So, don't say ILY hoping to hear those words from him, because then you'll just set yourself up for dissapointment. Just have fun, enjoy the ride, and I'm sure he'll say ILY when the time is right for HIM.

 

[TrueToHair]

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