"I Love My Kids" (Um...OK?)

[Enyo]

Ladies,

I'm putting this in the relationship forum because I suspect this has more to do with that.

The question is pretty straightforward. A woman at my job has two children by a deadbeat dad. Apparently, the second was was conceived on a brief visit to her Maryland for a visit with his older daughter. Normally, he lives in Indiana, but came every month or so to see his child. Whenever she talks about her future ex-husband (she has filed already), she often follows it up by saying "I love my kids" and looking nervous.

Now, I don't have children, so my situation with my jerk ex-husband was very different. I just want to know why she feels the need to emphasize her love of her children every time she talks about this man. She does everything for them and didn't even complain publicly when her older girl was diagnosed with diabetes and required loads of appointments. She comes across as a typical mom with two girls who she worships. Nothing suspicious about it.

Lots of women have man issues with their baby daddies/ex-husbands but clearly love their kids. I've never encountered a woman who felt the need to follow up her man issues by a nervous professional of love for her children. What's up? Does she really think we suspect that she hates her kids because their father is no good?

 

[Triniwegian]

I think a lot of people are of the perception that you love your child just as much as you love their parent.
She may feel like talking ill about him is a reflection of how she sees her children too.

 

[aribell]

Maybe she feels like she might be judged as being a certain kind of mother for having kids with a man like that--though I didn't see what made him a deadbeat. Maybe she feels guilty about it herself.

 

[Hairsnob]

I agree with poster above. She doesn't want anyone to think she regrets having her kids. She should know that no-one is going to think she doesn't but for some reason she thinks they will think that.

 

[Enyo]

Maybe she feels like she might be judged as being a certain kind of mother for having kids with a man like that--though I didn't see what made him a deadbeat.

He has no job (I have heard her screaming about this in her office) and always pesters her for money (I have heard her screaming at him about this in her office as well). He's also living with another woman in Indiana and refuses to admit it. He has only seen his 1 year old twice. So, yeah, deadbeat.

About her choice of man, I never thought about that. It totally makes sense.

 

[ThickHair]

Unpopular opinion, maybe she really doesn't want her kids since she doesn't have the man. So she is trying to convince herself and other's that she does. Another unpopular opinion, some people aren't fond of their kids, they may not treat them badly or abuse them, but they still may not like them or want them. They are a reminder of her poor selection of a mate. Just food for thought, don't flame me.

 

[Enyo]

Unpopular opinion, maybe she really doesn't want her kids since she doesn't have the man. So she is trying to convince herself and other's that she does. Another unpopular opinion, some people aren't fond of their kids, they may not treat them badly or abuse them, but they still may not like them or want them. They are a reminder of her poor selection of a mate. Just food for thought, don't flame me.

I think that's possible. As a childfree person, I've always said that not every parent wants their kids, but that doesn't make them bad people. Sometimes I wonder of she regrets having them now. But, as you said, it doesn't mean that she's a bad mom.

 

[*CherryPie*]

A lot of women regret the deadbeat exes. But they don't regret having their children. Sometimes, women say "but I love my kids" because they feel that their children were the only thing good that came from being with the loser. They can't say that they wish they'd never met the deadbeat because then, they wouldn't have their children.

I hope y'all can understand what i'm TRYING to say.

 

[Enyo]

A lot of women regret the deadbeat exes. But they don't regret having their children. Sometimes, women say "but I love my kids" because they feel that their children were the only thing good that came from being with the loser.

It's not that she says it, per se. It's that she says it all the time everyday. It's the sheer quantity of the statement that has me scratching my head.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Who's she trying to convince? You or her?

 

[Enyo]

Who's she trying to convince? You or her?

I dunno. Both?

 

[gabulldawg]

she may say it to serve as a reminder to herself for why she puts up with his deadbeat arse. i'm sure if they didn't have children together she wouldn't have to deal with him.

 

[ThickHair]

Who's she trying to convince? You or her?

All that constant "I love my kids" sounds like she is trying to convince herself. Not to be mean, but who the "F" cares that she loves her kids except her. Again don't flame me, I am just trying to add food for thought.

 

[Triniwegian]

Then again, she may love her children but she may not enjoy being a mom. I think a lot of women who end up being alone with their children feel duped and I can totally understand that. What you once planned for as a family you are now solely responsible for.

THIS right here is what comes to mind and I think it so taboo to say that you regret having children or regret having them by said person. Just as you can regret anything in life, I am sure children are one possibility too.

 

[ThickHair]

THIS right here is what comes to mind and I think it so taboo to say that you regret having children or regret having them by said person. Just as you can regret anything in life, I am sure children are one possibility too.

Exactly, I doubt she would be happy if the child's father wasn't a nutcase.

 

[Enyo]

I think a lot of women who end up being alone with their children feel duped and I can totally understand that. What you once planned for as a family you are now solely responsible for.

This is so true. The children were by her husband, not some casual sex partner, so clearly she planned to have a traditional family. Suddenly finding yourself alone with a newborn and a child who developed diabetes 3 months after the second was born has got to be rough. I'm just glad she has a supportive mother who helps with the kids.

We work with another lady who is 48 and has a daughter with a lot of problems. So many problems that people stop by her desk and give her parenting advice. What makes it crazier is that the lady considers all the advice given to her. She takes no offense and sometimes reports back that she tried some of the things we suggested to her. I have to admire her so much because she straight up says that she loves her child, but does regret having her. She's bipolar and her brother is schizophrenic, so when her daughter came out nutty, it was no shock. She feels responsible, and I empathize with her. But as you can see, this lady is all about being open, so when she told us she regrets having her daughter, the only person who was stunned was the "I Love My Kids!" lady.

 

[Krullete]

Then again, she may love her children but she may not enjoy being a mom. I think a lot of women who end up being alone with their children feel duped and I can totally understand that. What you once planned for as a family you are now solely responsible for.

THIS right here is what comes to mind and I think it so taboo to say that you regret having children or regret having them by said person. Just as you can regret anything in life, I am sure children are one possibility too.

It was bone-chilling to read those 'confessions'! What a horrible, dark place to be in: feeling trapped (or the prospect thereof) - for almost 2 decades - by your own doing.

 

[Enyo]

Motherhood always seemed like a prison to me. I feel like I dodged a bullet.

 

[shenitab]

A lot of women just don't understand HOW MUCH is involved with having kids until they have one. It doesn't matter if you worked with kids, loved kids, babysat all the kids in the neighborhood. Once you have one of your own, it can be a shocker. It's a marathon! You can't quit, ever!


My vote
She says I Love My Kids to remind herself why she keeps trying to get that fool to do right. If she didn't care about them having a relationship with him, she wouldn't communicate with them at all.

I find myself saying, "I must really love my kids" when I find myself doing something retarded like 1. trying to figure out how they have so many shoes without matches 2. wondering how they end up with so many dirty clothes at the end of the week 3. going to a function that I really don't want to go to but for some reason they "really want me to be there"

 

[itismehmmkay]

She's obviously having guilty/conflicting feelings about how things will effect them. But she's probably making the right decision. Divorce is scary and unsure, especially when kids are involved b/c you're estimating what their better future is. She's either divorcing him because of the kids, knowing that a toxic relationship is not what's best for them (this is not a perspective that many initially think about or may not agree with) or she's feeling guilty about divorcing him due to what kind of upbringing they'll have. etc.

 

[Enyo]

She's either divorcing him because of the kids, knowing that a toxic relationship is not what's best for them (this is not a perspective that many initially think about or may not agree with) or she's feeling guilty about divorcing him due to what kind of upbringing they'll have. etc.

It may be both. She grew up without a dad, so I'm sure it's depressing to realize that her girls probably will too. A few weeks ago, she said she had been arguing with her soon-to-be-ex and her daughter said, "Maybe you should talk to someone nicer next time."