I just need.. help.

[MissMariee]

I've been holding back from posting on here because I didn't want judgment.. so please, if you're going to judge just don't post. I'm in dire need of some advice. My SO has some serious issues. He's a great person, he truly is. He has a good heart. But he's always talking about how empty he feels. He's depressed. Severely. The further we go into this relationship the worse it gets. It's so bad I don't even know HOW to explain exactly what IT is. He's just an emotional mess & seems to have found comfort in his misery. Like dude finds any reason to be miserable. Everything's always "sh*tty". But yet he says with me.. he feels content.
Now, I've honestly been trying to call quits since this past week. We've discussed homes, marriage, babies. Like I said he's a GOOD person, has a good job, VERY family oriented. He's a good man. Just miserable and has a quite a bit of baggage. He asked that I don't give up on him, stand by him and be there for him. I have no problem doing that as long as he's going to make a constant effort to help himself. I just feel like he's in this for the wrong reasons. I feel like he's trying to fill a void. He promises this isn't the case. I just feel crazy now too. We went from perfect to a disaster in a matter of weeks. I don't know if it's worth it. I love him, I do. But at what point is it not worth the effort? There's so much more to the story I don't want to share. I just feel as if nothing will ever be okay.

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

is he going to therapy, on medication, or getting help?

 

[MissMariee]

is he going to therapy, on medication, or getting help?

Nope. That's going to be a requirement though. He opened up to me yesterday about feeling like he's at war with himself. His mother had a personality disorder (passed away a few years ago) and he's fearful he may have one too. I work in the mental health field and I'm sure he doesn't but to put his mind at ease he needs to reach out for help.

 

[DarkJoy]

What was he like during the 'perfect' times, which was only weeks ago? Wondering if he is bi-polar...

Listen, I was in a 20year relationship UNKNOWINGLY with a depressive. If they refuse treatment, it permeates their entire lives--and yours and any future offspring--not including the possibility they pass on the gene to their babies.

You dont want to be the co-dependent either, which would only perpetuate his problem and in turn make you also depressed and/or anxiety riddled. BTDT.

Perhaps you get therapy to learn how to deal with it if you want to take the relationship to marriage. Couples therapy would be better. However, it can be very hard to get a depressive into therapy due to their apathy.

No easy answers here. Sorry for the trouble you're facing.

 

[Bublin]

Most men wouldn't think twice about skipping out of the relationship.

Just sayin.

 

[carcajada]

Leeching. He's using you. He tells you to do for him what he can't do for himself. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but know this: it's not going to get better any time soon. You can care for a person without feeding their dependency.

 

[carcajada]

Most men wouldn't think twice about skipping out of the relationship.

Just sayin.

Or tell you to wait on them but bounce the second the favor needs to be returned. Men find ways to make sure they are taken care of...regardless.

 

[MissMariee]

Leeching. He's using you. He tells you to do for him what he can't do for himself. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but know this: it's not going to get better any time soon. You can care for a person without feeding their dependency.

This is EXACTLY my thought yesterday. But I've told him there's nothing I can do for him. He's a grown man. If he wants help, if he wants to better himself he needs to put in effort & find that himself. I absolutely refuse to baby him. I have no pity for him. He's been through some rough ish but at the end of the day his future is in his hands.
All he's asked for is support.

 

[MissMariee]

What was he like during the 'perfect' times, which was only weeks ago? Wondering if he is bi-polar...

Listen, I was in a 20year relationship UNKNOWINGLY with a depressive. If they refuse treatment, it permeates their entire lives--and yours and any future offspring--not including the possibility they pass on the gene to their babies.

You dont want to be the co-dependent either, which would only perpetuate his problem and in turn make you also depressed and/or anxiety riddled. BTDT.

Perhaps you get therapy to learn how to deal with it if you want to take the relationship to marriage. Couples therapy would be better. However, it can be very hard to get a depressive into therapy due to their apathy.

No easy answers here. Sorry for the trouble you're facing.

I'm not sure if he's bi-polar, it's a possibility but I don't think so. I think he just got comfortable & has had a complete melt down. This side of him he generally covers up. He says people usually don't notice. He does put up a good front. But I'm an observer, started noticing more signs and called him on it. I've brought up therapy.. he doesn't seem against it, but I'll believe it when I see his butt there & working out whatever craziness is in his head.

I WANT to be there for him because yes, I do love him. I also suffered from severe depression through high school & it SUCKED not having anyone to just be present. But I made the decision to seek help, that I wasn't going to let it consume me. I control my happiness.
I just hope he can do the same.

 

[tocktick]

Sounds mentally and emotionally draining. I understand it's not an easy move to get help but imo, it's selfish of him to ask you to stay around when he isn't attempting to get treatment. How much can a person really be 'supported' if they're not in active treatment?

If I were in your shoes, whilst he was not seeking treatment, I would ask if I wanted to deal with the long-term effects of these issues on me.

 

[C@ssandr@]

This is exactly what a friend of mine is going through. She has a live in bf who is going through a downward spiral. She predicted a suicide attempt...and lo and behold and tried it

After finding out that he has been engaging in destructive behavior, for months now, she told him the he can no longer live with her (it's her apt and she has a 9 year old who lives there as well) and in order for them to continue the relationship he must seek and stay involved with therapy. So he moved back with his parents for now. He spends some nights over, but she is sticking firm to the "ultimatum"

Her argument is that he is not the man she signed up to be in a relationship with and this is why she will not continue on with this "version" of him. She also offered to go to therapy as well to show her support.

I don't have any particular advice, but my friend and her bf are still working through things. They are slowly on the up and up right now.

 

[gabulldawg]

Nope. That's going to be a requirement though. He opened up to me yesterday about feeling like he's at war with himself. His mother had a personality disorder (passed away a few years ago) and he's fearful he may have one too. I work in the mental health field and I'm sure he doesn't but to put his mind at ease he needs to reach out for help.

It sounds like he has some genetic mental illness going on. Scary scary. Is he in his twenties? A lot of disorders can begin to surface around that time. Honestly the only way I'd stay with someone like that was if he got help. Both medication and therapy, depending on the issue. I don't want to scare you, but you never know what a person who is not being treated for their mental illness will do.

 

[ms.mimi]

I've been holding back from posting on here because I didn't want judgment.. so please, if you're going to judge just don't post. I'm in dire need of some advice. My SO has some serious issues. He's a great person, he truly is. He has a good heart. But he's always talking about how empty he feels. He's depressed. Severely. The further we go into this relationship the worse it gets. It's so bad I don't even know HOW to explain exactly what IT is. He's just an emotional mess & seems to have found comfort in his misery. Like dude finds any reason to be miserable. Everything's always "sh*tty". But yet he says with me.. he feels content.
Now, I've honestly been trying to call quits since this past week. We've discussed homes, marriage, babies. Like I said he's a GOOD person, has a good job, VERY family oriented. He's a good man. Just miserable and has a quite a bit of baggage. He asked that I don't give up on him, stand by him and be there for him. I have no problem doing that as long as he's going to make a constant effort to help himself. I just feel like he's in this for the wrong reasons. I feel like he's trying to fill a void. He promises this isn't the case. I just feel crazy now too. We went from perfect to a disaster in a matter of weeks. I don't know if it's worth it. I love him, I do. But at what point is it not worth the effort? There's so much more to the story I don't want to share. I just feel as if nothing will ever be okay.

You are not crazy. You know there is something wrong, your mind can't reconcile it, you're on an emotional roller coaster.

Going to a therapist doesn't mean you're crazy. Sometimes certain issues cause problems in your life and you aren't sure how to make the necessary changes, therapy can help. Dealing with your problems with the help of a professional can get you out of that rut and guide you into a more productive pattern. It's private & confidential so they can get to the core issues.

Why spend years trying to reinvent the wheel when someone else already has the answers? Both of you should see separate therapists or the same one separately.

 

[Curly1908]

Give him an ultimatum - weekly individual & couples counseling session or break-up.

 

[SincerelyJane]

Well you work in the mental health field so you know what resources are available. What help are you looking for? Do you want opinions on whether you should stay or go? Or just looking to vent (which is totally fine)?

 

[hopeful]

If I were you, I think I would leave while I could, before I got too caught up. A baby and/or marriage will make it very hard to leave. You are too young for this. He will use you up. I feel sorry for him and wish him well but it sounds like he needs serious help and that is his responsibility, not yours.

 

[pearcey]

Best to you. Only you know what you can handle and what YOUR breaking point is.

No one is perfect, but we all can't tolerate the same things, either. Everyone has their "no way" list when it comes to what we will and will not put up with in a relationship. Mental illness may be your deal breaker, for another cheating, yet another not brushing one's teeth at nite.

Please keep this in mind as you read all the responses to your thread. One can only assist you based on what they have dealt with and it may not be what YOU require.

You will know what you need to do at the right time. And after you take an action, it may or may not be your final action.

Advice is good, knowing yourself is better. You can restore someone's belief in you if you hurt their feelings in not taking their advice, but NEVER sell yourself short just to make due - with SO or anyone.

You come before your mate or anyone's best wishes for you.

 

[TayMac]

He needs professional help. His issues are already weighing you down and affecting your life. You can be supportive as a friend without being romantically involved. You say there is more to the story so I can only guess it is worse. That isn't fair to you.

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

Dont quote

I personally wouldn't stay especially if this is a fairly new relationship. I watched my best friend deal with a bf-fiancé-husband who had mental issues. It was hard on her emotionally and physically. She was the sole provider for her family because he always had trouble finding jobs. Her relationship ended when he jumped off a freeway overpass into traffic because he felt his family's life would be easier without him. He left behind a 5 year old and 3 year old.

Everyone deserves love, even the mentally ill. But you decide how much you can handle.

The various scenarios that could happen in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill is not something I could handle.

 

[Mai Tai]

This may sound harsh but I would roll out and never look back if I were you. Taking on his mental illness issues is going to drain you of your youth and personal mental health and to me, no one is worth that type of sacrifice.

Love yourself and your emotional health enough to walk away.

 

[daydreem2876]

I was a mental health worker dealing with a very similar situation at home with my ex. I'm not going to get into a bunch of detail with you because you asked simply for advice. Answer this simple question, what would you do for him and yourself if he were your client? If you want to help him, you have to remove your emotion and attachment to the situation to get him the care that he needs. And you also have to realize that very similar to addiction, he has to choose to treat and maintain his mental health. Sweetie, I know... that's easier said than done when you heart is in it. But working in mental health, you also know how things go left in a blink of an eye and there is absolutely nothing you can do. I can't tell you what to do, that choice is yours. Just don't sacrifice your sanity over this or any other man.

 

[Bublin]

And if and when you do walk away, there will be drama and guilt trips aplenty. Be prepared to be the strongest you will ever need to be.

 

[ThickHair]

Honestly you can't love him for his potential. You have to be good with him NOW and if he improves for the better in the future then it is all gravy. Also be aware that sometimes when men make a change good/bad they will sometimes dump the person who was there.

 

[onyxdreams]

He needs professional help. His issues are already weighing you down and affecting your life. You can be supportive as a friend without being romantically involved. You say there is more to the story so I can only guess it is worse. That isn't fair to you.

This is what I was thinking the entire time I read your post OP. You can be there for him as a friend rather then as a girlfriend. He needs to make the effort to find help on his own. I also think you should consider finding someone to speak to especially if you decide to continue this relationship.

 

[PretteePlease]

A good man that is emotionally broken can be your good man friend but he doesn't need to be your man or anyone else's while he gets himself together. If you want to stay put a time limit on it and stick to it. Don't waste your good years on someone that can not or will not get help. The I'm going to get help don't leave me guilt trip is a trap. Don't let him suck the life out of you if you feel like the situation can't be helped.

I think it is time that your self preservation kick in. You said you feel crazy. I would suggest you leave him cold turkey change your number, block him on social media and not answer any correspondence from him in any shape form or fashion. What ever he does is not your fault. Maybe after you have gotten back to a stable place yourself you can check on him from time to time but he needs to be left and fast.

 

[deltagyrl]

I don't know why you would even consider staying 'cause I wouldn't.
What is the benefit to you?

 

[carcajada]

This is what I was thinking the entire time I read your post OP. You can be there for him as a friend rather then as a girlfriend. He needs to make the effort to find help on his own. I also think you should consider finding someone to speak to especially if you decide to continue this relationship.

Yup it's like when they leave their pasts, they leave everything and everyone in it. This happened to a friend of mine and it took her a long time to date again. She just didn't want to invest all over again.

 

[bahamababe242]

No vows were exchanged.....you are free to leave. Please do not allow that man to cling to you and suck you dry mentally and emotionally. That is not fair. And frankly you should not take it on. You cannot fix him. He has to want help. Please don't let him convince you with his pleas. He needs to stand on his own and work through this. He is the man, not you. At this point in a relationship it should be still light and fun. Not heavy lifting. Potential means nothing........it isn't a reality yet. He could very well get worse.....run girl. Please run and go completely no contact.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I can't see how he is a "good man" if he's miserable with a ton of baggage. Or maybe my idea of a good man is just different. It sounds like an emotionally draining relationship.

I have a former friend who was with a guy like that, depressed but hiding it. He quit his job and she didn't know for months since he left the house each day and came home after "work". When the late notices came to the house for the various bills, she confronted him. Before this even happened, years before I met her, they were planning a wedding and he called it off after the invitations went out. She still had the dress years later. I saw it. He went through some depressive state and didn't want to get married. She stayed with him for a long time after that (years) until he kicked her out and she ended up on my couch for a few weeks.

She eventually moved out of the state for grad school but she did continue to see him off and on while (flying in and he flew out to see her). I'm not even sure what ever happened with them since I lost touch with her but I'm certain they never got married and she never had kids. She had a lot of hopes pinned to this guy and none of it ever came to fruition.

I wrote all that to say don't waste your youth on a guy that is miserable and that you already know has a ton of baggage. If he was your husband, it would be a different decision. Right now you have no ties to this guy.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

I was in a relationship with a man that was diagnosed as schizophrenic and bipolar. He was fine and hell and we had a GREAT relationship. I would have NEVER known had I not seen a grip of pills and he actually was honest about his diagnosis. I've always thought that people that are schizophrenic/bipolar would show obvious signs. He was an extremely functional mentally ill person. It was an eye opener for sure. My only was the possibility that if we had kids and they weren't strong like him... I couldn't risk it.


Depression is serious and I wouldn't want to be caught in the crossfire. One day he could be super happy and the next he would be ready to jump. You need to get out and TRY to get him help. If he refuses the help, then at least you tried.