I have known A guy for 10 months and never knew he had kids.

[andrea]

So. I have known this guy for 10 months and never knew he had kids.. We met through a mutual friend.. He was introduced to me for the purposes of buying a house... Anyway, he had just moved down here about 3 months before to got to law school..


So, he was a nice guy, we started to hang out, partly business/ partly personal.. He was nice to talk to and didnt really know anyone here. I certainly enjoyed our conversations and the time we spent together.. Then he pretty much decided that he liked me and wanted to date.. Well, me coming from an on again and off again bad relationship.. I kept him at like double arms length for a very long time.. He would ask me out, ask me to do things with him and such.. I always put him off. Not wanting to invite anymore drama in my life until I was done with the ex.. So, this went on for month and months. I basically treated him like a phone friend. Having lunch with him every once in awhile.. Just to keep tabs. He has always expressed a strong interest in him.. Ok.. So fast forward to the last 2 months.. He basically tells me that our friendship has went as far as it can go and if I am not interested in him then he will move on... So, I was like ok, I am interested lets see what happens.. Well, I was in las vegas at the time. So, I just got back 3 days ago.. It was urgent that he see me...

So, I went over to his new place and he told me I have 2 boys 3 and 7, They were in the room sleeping.. They moved down here about 3 months ago.. He never told me because he said that he rarely tells any woman he has kids because he feels he needs to protect them and that he exist outside of his kids. So, if the relationship is serious then he will tell them... So, I asked him why he never told me.. He said because he didn't know where we were going.. I was all over the place, with my ex, etc. He knew he wanted to be with me but wasn't really sure how I felt.. So, now that I told him I was ready to date him. He had to tell me...

So, Hmm.. I am perplexed. He was very sincere in his apology because I said to him I am pretty sure that I asked if he had kids and he said no.. Now I do not know for sure I asked.. Maybe it was just assumed on my part because he said he wanted kids.. He was very nervous on Saturday night and very forthcoming with what ever question I asked.. When I was ready to leave because I was speechless.. He was like are you sure you have every question answered that you want answered, all your concerns, etc... He also said I would certainly understand if you do not want to meet them and I never hear from you again..

So, now my fear is if he would keep something like this from me which is soooo major, what else would he keep from me.. Of course he insures me there is nothing else that I do not know about him. I would have agreed with him before this because we are pretty open with each other.. I have been gone the whole entire time that have been in this state.. I will say other than that he is a great guy, very responsible, protective.. I actually only partly liked him until I heard him and saw him the other day with his kids and I think I fell a little in love with him.. He appeared to be a great father.. I have also seen him interact with other kids and he is awesome with them. I always thought he would be a great father... He is also from Liberia and has been over here for 10 years. So is this a parental thing, cultural thing or a shady thing..

Sorry this is so long..

 

[Mortons]

I think that kids are something that should be put on the table in the beginning when even thinking about a relationship. It was unfair of him to keep that from you and if it were me I might be a little apprehensive about him as far as keeping other secrets. Kids are a biggie

 

[Syrah]

Game over.

 

[lexi08]

Game over.

ITA. Men like this really make me sick. They hide the kids to make themselves more desirable, trust me. I'd leave this man alone. Seems like he is running game and has probably done this with other women. Men know there are women that don't care to date men with kids, so that is why they lie.

 

[ThickHair]

Did you ask? That is one of my prereq questions? Are you married, are you gay, do you have children, where do they live, how many mother's, where do you live, who do you live with??? Those are right off of the top. So he can never say, well you didn't ask.

 

[Blossoming^]

I think that kids are something that should be put on the table in the beginning when even thinking about a relationship. It was unfair of him to keep that from you and if it were me I might be a little apprehensive about him as far as keeping other secrets. Kids are a biggie

I agree with heartseeker I started to bolden the first sentence but your so on point. I understand the whole not wanting to involve people in the life of your children unless your serious. But to umm totally act like you don't have any children not a good look at all. I make brothers well aware of the fact that I have a daughter and that she has a father that she sees regularly and not to expect to meet her because we just don't do that.
Once your ready to commit and tie me down then you can meet my precious lil girl.

 

[poetist]

He never told me because he said that he rarely tells any woman he has kids because he feels he needs to protect them and that he exist outside of his kids. So, if the relationship is serious then he will tell them...

Protect them? From who/what? Confused. This is the excuse that celebs give when they try to keep the media and public away from their kids. I'd be suspect of getting involved with a man that treats me like his kids are royalty and I'm the paparazzi.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

This is NOT the first time I've heard of a man keeping a child a secret. It must be an ATL thang! In my case the man said he didn't tell me because children freighten off women they way they do men when entering in a relationship. I was pissed and had the same thoughts....what else are you keeping from me? We did work through that. As a parent I do understand with smaller children why he wouldn't want to show them to numerous people. Children are like sponges. I'm suprised you didnt notice the change in behavior or time because little one 3 & 7 are a handful.
Maybe he thought he wasnt going to really date you...and now he wants to be really serious.

Ask yourself which burns you up more the fact that he witheld information or the added responsibility that will be included in your relationship?

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I am willing to bet that if you overlook this situation (him having hidden the kids from you) with time you will find yourself in a bad situation... discovering all kinds of stuff that he has lied about...

Such as that he has 5 other kids ("I didnt' tell you b/c I didn't think they were mine; the mama is such a ho")

or that he declared bankruptcy and has jacked up credit ("Do you love me or my money?")

or that he has an STD ("Oh, I just found out... 2 minutes before you came in the door with a gun ready to kill me for giving it to you...")

or that he is legally married to someone else! ("Oh, it's just a technicality")

or that he has a police record ("I was framed; the racist police did a set-up on me!")

I have seen these things happen before. When a relationship starts off with a revelation of some dealbreaker ish that was hidden, you can bet there is PLENTY MORE where that came from.

As Dr. Phil says, "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing."

 

[Neala21]

Did you ask? That is one of my prereq questions? Are you married, are you gay, do you have children, where do they live, how many mother's, where do you live, who do you live with??? Those are right off of the top. So he can never say, well you didn't ask.

ITA if you don't ask him he's not going to tell right away unless like he said he feels things are getting serious.

My mom does this in her relationships to an extent. She tells a man she has kids upfront but she doesn't allow them to meet us until she is serious with him. Now that I have a daughter I do the same. I tell a man upfront I have a child but I refuse to bring a man around my child unless we are serious, especially b/c my child is so young. BUT I also expect a man to tell me upfront if he has kids and I would also ask him if does so.

 

[firecracker]

"Flowers in the Attic" comes to mind with this lying by ommission type dude.

 

[Cinda2503]

He is not the one for you.....move on........

 

[Crackers Phinn]

So, now my fear is if he would keep something like this from me which is soooo major, what else would he keep from me.. Of course he insures me there is nothing else that I do not know about him.

That right there is the answer.

Not to mention that I suspect that he lied in saying he doesn't disclose the info. to protect his children. I think what's really hood is that he knows that many single women with no children aren't trying to enter a ready made family.

 

[MzLady78]

I only skimmed the post cause the title told me all I needed to know.

I'm with MsNadi. I'd throw up the deuces.

There's a very big difference between not bringing just anyone around your kids and failing to mention that they even exist.

And for damn near a year! Nah, dude was trying to be slick.

 

[SisterGirl*]

I would understand a parent waiting to introduce their children to someone their dating, but to pretend they don't exist? I'd have a problem with that.

Edited..
Sorry for the double post. Mzlady took the words right out of my mouth

 

[Xavier]

I smell some stank BS!!!!!!!!!!!

My child is a very important part of my life and can't imagine engaging in coversation with someone for 10mths and not even mentioning him.

 

[caltron]

Yup. That sounds like game playing to me. There is no good reason to keep his kids' existence a secret. That explanation makes no sense to me. So does he keep the kids a secret from his male friends too? Shady.

 

[andrea]

Well, I do not remember if I asked.. I normally do. However, he did grill be for lack of a better word about if I had a problem dating men with childern, how I feel about that etc... I wouldn't have noticed if he was acting different in the beginning when they first moved down because I was in Las Vegas and wrapped up in my own family problems...

Now that I am back, I knew as soon as I came back the very next day. He hard a real sense of urgency about it....

 

[andrea]

This is NOT the first time I've heard of a man keeping a child a secret. It must be an ATL thang! In my case the man said he didn't tell me because children freighten off women they way they do men when entering in a relationship. I was pissed and had the same thoughts....what else are you keeping from me? We did work through that. As a parent I do understand with smaller children why he wouldn't want to show them to numerous people. Children are like sponges. I'm suprised you didnt notice the change in behavior or time because little one 3 & 7 are a handful.
Maybe he thought he wasnt going to really date you...and now he wants to be really serious.

Ask yourself which burns you up more the fact that he witheld information or the added responsibility that will be included in your relationship?

He moved out here from Delaware to go to Law School.. Thier is a pretty good part time program at one of the colleges, since he does have a great job.. The responsibility doesn't bother me at all..The fact that he didn't say something in the beginning about them even existing.

I am willing to bet that if you overlook this situation (him having hidden the kids from you) with time you will find yourself in a bad situation... discovering all kinds of stuff that he has lied about...

Such as that he has 5 other kids ("I didnt' tell you b/c I didn't think they were mine; the mama is such a ho")

or that he declared bankruptcy and has jacked up credit ("Do you love me or my money?")

or that he has an STD ("Oh, I just found out... 2 minutes before you came in the door with a gun ready to kill me for giving it to you...")

or that he is legally married to someone else! ("Oh, it's just a technicality")

or that he has a police record ("I was framed; the racist police did a set-up on me!")

I have seen these things happen before. When a relationship starts off with a revelation of some dealbreaker ish that was hidden, you can bet there is PLENTY MORE where that came from.

As Dr. Phil says, "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing."

:Laugh: Right, well I have pulled his credit and I helped him with the sell of his house in Delaware and the contract the one here. He has told me some pretty deep stuff about him and his past.. So, I really can't understand why completely omitting it..

I only skimmed the post cause the title told me all I needed to know.

I'm with MsNadi. I'd throw up the deuces.

There's a very big difference between not bringing just anyone around your kids and failing to mention that they even exist.

And for damn near a year! Nah, dude was trying to be slick.

I will say that in the beginning.. Well for about 9 of those months. I barely paid much attention to him.. So, Even though he wanted to spend time with me in the beginning I was into someone else. So, I brushed him off completely. Then he was upset about it and we stopped talking. Then we started talking again after he called me.. I still pushed him away.. Then about 2 months ago.. I was like ok, Let give this a whirl but I was in Las Vegas..

I smell some stank BS!!!!!!!!!!!

My child is a very important part of my life and can't imagine engaging in coversation with someone for 10mths and not even mentioning him.

After he told me about them. I remember mentioning there names a few times when he went back to Delaware.. They would be in the car.. He just never said they were his.. Now when he was in GA. I had been to where he lived several times, his job etc..

 

[Butterfly08]

I am willing to bet that if you overlook this situation (him having hidden the kids from you) with time you will find yourself in a bad situation... discovering all kinds of stuff that he has lied about...

Such as that he has 5 other kids ("I didnt' tell you b/c I didn't think they were mine; the mama is such a ho")

or that he declared bankruptcy and has jacked up credit ("Do you love me or my money?")

or that he has an STD ("Oh, I just found out... 2 minutes before you came in the door with a gun ready to kill me for giving it to you...")

or that he is legally married to someone else! ("Oh, it's just a technicality")

or that he has a police record ("I was framed; the racist police did a set-up on me!")

I have seen these things happen before. When a relationship starts off with a revelation of some dealbreaker ish that was hidden, you can bet there is PLENTY MORE where that came from.

As Dr. Phil says, "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing."

PRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH!!!

 

[Syrah]

Protect them? From who/what? Confused. This is the excuse that celebs give when they try to keep the media and public away from their kids. I'd be suspect of getting involved with a man that treats me like his kids are royalty and I'm the paparazzi.

I think the OP meant "protect" kids like not introducing them right off the bat to every woman that you date. Which is understandable. It's not protecting them from YOU per se, but protecting them from forming what may end up being temporary attachments.

Folks are asking "well did you ask?" as if in 10 months, 10 MONTHS, the fact that he has procreated is not gonna somehow creep into conversation.

C'mon - thats deliberate. If I buy a new pair of shoes, I can barely go 2 days without telling my SO I bought 'em. Kids?!?!? Seriously?? Not even a "well, what'd you do last night?" "well, I went to a play at my son's school" type thng...

Nah, that's deliberate.

Next.

 

[pisceschica]

Thats nothing more than bs. You can tell a potential gf/bf about your children and still protect them. Like you said if he keeps something big like this a secret from you, esp after you asked, then what else would he lie about?

There are plenty of people very adament about not dating ppl with kids and when they find out they may be beyond furious b/c they feel like they wasted their time w/ someone they wouldn't havedated if they knew the truth from the jump.

 

[fuchsiastar]

I thanked all the posters who kept it real in here. He knew the deal, and knew that once you formed an attachment to him, he could tell you about them and you might be willing to accept it. So now you like him and have decided to take him up on his offer of dating.....and thats when he decided to let you know that he has children. If he sold his house and discussed buying a new one, did he ever mention "Oh, this room would be great for Eric, my son" or "The house really works for a family with small children.....no, he didn't because he was being shady. Don't blame yourself for not paying attention to him and being distracted with family stuff....he knew you were distracted and used that to delay divulging his secret. Now, you can decide to continue to date him and consider it a one time huge mistake, but be sure you are okay with it.

 

[MzLady78]

I think the OP meant "protect" kids like not introducing them right off the bat to every woman that you date. Which is understandable. It's not protecting them from YOU per se, but protecting them from forming what may end up being temporary attachments.

Folks are asking "well did you ask?" as if in 10 months, 10 MONTHS, the fact that he has procreated is not gonna somehow creep into conversation.

C'mon - thats deliberate. If I buy a new pair of shoes, I can barely go 2 days without telling my SO I bought 'em. Kids?!?!? Seriously?? Not even a "well, what'd you do last night?" "well, I went to a play at my son's school" type thng...

Nah, that's deliberate.

Next.

Exactly!!! There isn't a person I know whose kids don't come up in conversation somehow.

 

[Valerie]

Andrea, this man is a fraud, and say bye bye! there are plenty out there who are worthy of you.

 

[LaShanne]

It sounds to me that you have already made up your mind to forgive this man for not telling you about his children. Your earlier post appears to be excusing his behavior. May I ask, how do you know how great a father he is? based on what? I would be wary of a man who so easily excludes his children from any and all conversation for nearly a YEAR! That doesn't sound like a good father to me. Did he mention the mother of these children? How does she fit into the picture? Does it matter? It sounds like he is the king of compartmentalization. He just boxes up what he doesn't want you to know and stores it away, like it doesn't even exist. What else has he "boxed up and stored away"? That would worry me....

 

[prettypuff1]

I only skimmed the post cause the title told me all I needed to know.

I'm with MsNadi. I'd throw up the deuces.

There's a very big difference between not bringing just anyone around your kids and failing to mention that they even exist.

And for damn near a year! Nah, dude was trying to be slick.

I know it....


Any man that i meet that i am interested in knows about my kid from jump, friend or lover. That is something that i am proud of and that i let it be known.


Why didnt he mention it when you two were just friends? I am a bit perplexed then. He had intentions of dating you and he knew that all along so he shoulda been putting himself out there from the begining....

I would be moving in the other direction.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Seems odd. That's not something you keep from a potential mate.

 

[Arcadian]

I guess If I'm understading this right, You may have known him for 10 months, but you weren't "dating", correct?

If in fact that you were already seeing someone else and he knew you weren't available, then I can't say I blame him for not telling you about his kids because apparently you werent interested if you were still with someone else.

Even though you knew him for 10 months it wasn't in a dating situation. It was more casual.

Personally I wouldn't date someone with kids but at least he's did tell you once you let him know you were actually interested. Up to you to do whatever it is you're going to do at this point, but at least he put his children first.

-A

 

[fuchsiastar]

I guess If I'm understading this right, You may have known him for 10 months, but you weren't "dating", correct?

If in fact that you were already seeing someone else and he knew you weren't available, then I can't say I blame him for not telling you about his kids because apparently you werent interested if you were still with someone else.

Even though you knew him for 10 months it wasn't in a dating situation. It was more casual.

Now this is an opposite perspective that is worth exploring. However it still seems like he was hiding the children.