I Hate Her With All My Being, But I Am Learning To Let It Go

G

Ganjababy

Well-Known Member
is there such a saying?

I was just talking to my sister. She mentioned her mother. I just admitted to myself that I hate when she mentions her mother but I have put up with it for years because I do not want my sister to stop talking to me again.

She abused me when I was a kid and for my sister to cope she believes I imagined the abuse. Even though I still suffer from physical and emotional ramifications. Sometimes it is easy to pretend and ignore. But our last conversation keeps echoing in my mind and I feel like cutting her off. But she gave birth to my 4 nieces.


I hate that ***** so much. I am so angry. So tired of people telling me that my feelings and experiences with that monster is not important.

Just needed to get this off my freaking chest. The end.
 
Is there any way that you and your sister could come to an agreement: You won't talk about what her mother did if she doesn't talk about her mother. You know she doesn't (want to) believe certain things about her mother, but you bear the scars. Can we agree not to talk about her?

If she says no or does not comply, I would commence training: Every TIME she brought up her mom, I would mention the abuse, show my scars, maybe even wail. Sis would pay a price for not caring enough about me to NOT introduce my abuser into my consciousness just because she wants to. And I say that not out of meanness, but in the name of training people on how to treat you.
 
I feel exactly like you do! And I have stopped biting my tongue in the matter. If ppl insist on speaking on that vile creature, then I insist on reminding them how abusive she was to me, or I will tell them point blank I don't want to talk about them. I have cousin whose mother did the same thing to her. Treated her way more harshly than her younger sister. I used to speak regularly with her mother (my great aunt) and for awhile believed that my cousin was crazy. Then I started to see how jacked my great aunt is and realized why my cousin has limited her mother's access to her family. My great aunt and mother were raised (for awhile) by the same woman (my great grandmother) who I remember as a tyrannt.
Anyway...it's ok to hate these folks. I know exactly how you feel. But you shouldn't hold your tongue if you don't want to talk about her. That kind of hate will only cause you problems and may effect your health. If your sister loves you, she'll steer clear of those types of convos.
 
Ganjababy said:
is there such a saying?
I hate that ***** so much. I am so angry. So tired of people telling me that my feelings and experiences with that monster is not important.
Just needed to get this off my freaking chest. The end.
Click to expand...


Confront her confront your sis and confront anyone who keeps bring up that :censored: in your presence.
You have right to a safe space and her bring up that woman tramples on your emotional and mental safety
 
I understand what you're going thru. You must protect you first. I've been abused my entire childhood and just now realized the extent. My family would comment on how my mother carried switches for me wherever she went. I have cousins whose mother was on crack for the majority of their childhood. I felt sorry for them.

I recently reconnected with them after they were incarcerated for years. Do you know the first thing they said to me was how they felt sorry for me because my mother didn't love me. They remarked that she was so hard on me it made them sad.

Yet thru all of this my sisters and my father are in complete denial of the abuse. They don't understand why I don't want anything to do with my crazy mother anymore. I cut everyone off. I love them but I love me more. In order to completely heal we have to step away from what damaged us... Sometimes forever.
 
I have ptsd because of her abuse. I have not told anyone irl why I have ptsd.

I have been on a waiting list for 2 years for a ptsd program that started with treating vets. They told me that I will be on the next intake in feb if my psychiatrist thinks I am ready. She does not think I am ready but she has not told them that. Instead she has me see my therapist and social worker every week in order to get me ready.

My sister is coming to visit me next year with the kids. I need to tell her to keep her rass trap closed about her momma.

One of the reason I am so forgiving is that her mother treated her like crap. The girl was born in Jamaica and left when she was a toddler and her own mother tried to have her deported back to Jamaica when she was 16. Though I have my own theory. Momma had a new husband and felt threatened by her nubile young daughters and tried to get rid of them. She took her other daughter who was 14 to some African country and tried to leave her with some people that the poor girl never met. My lil sis acted so outraged and crazy that the people told the momma they could not keep her against her wishes.


They were not rebellious teens. She (the older of the 2) had to move into a homeless shelter. Her mom is totally nuts. She also told (the wicked ex stepmother) my oldest niece that her stepfather does not and will never love her because she is dark and not mixed race. The poor child tried to jump out of an upstairs window. So if my sister still speaks to her beast of a mother after alladat what can I say.
 
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@Ganjababy
Her story is sad but no sadder than yours. No matter what happened to her, you deserve to feel safe, loved, and protected. Feel compassion toward you first. Take care of you. You can feel compassion for her and still put your needs first. Tell her to cut it out! And if she can’t or won’t you gotta do what’s best for Ganjababy.
 
Update
I asked her not to talk about her mother to me as I find it upsetting. Her mother is telling her all these revisionist stories about her life when she was younger to make it look as if what she did to me was because she was a young and clueless woman and my sister would tell them to me. She is also bringing up stories about my dead father that I have never heard of. I do not know if they were true or not but the man is dead. I do not care to hear them. I already know he was a bastard. I used think the abuse was deserved because he would treat her like crap, then in turn she would torture me. So I buried it for years and convinced myself I deserved it. He apologized to me for not protecting me from his evil wives and predatory friends. I have forgiven my father because he was truly sorry he messed up. That was all I needed from him. An acknowledgment of my pain.

If this woman had acknowledged what she did to me it would have been easier but when I started realizing that no child deserved to be treated like that and asked her why she did it she looked me straight in my eye and told me she does not remember abusing me.

My sister told me that I was a dictator and I should f off. She has never been rude to me or swore at me. I went ham. Called her mother some very bad things and told her how I really felt about her mother.

Do not know what is going to happen but I feel lighter. I do not think she will talk to me again. But I will live with it.


Part of her text..... "mental illness sufferers learn skills to cope with the world around them, the world does not change to suit their way of thinking, or condone or enable their crazy behavior..."
Click to expand...

I am learning to let the hate go. I used to think that forgiveness meant you accepted the person back into your life and let them off the hook. She will never be let off the hook. But I am working hard to stop her being my ghoul.
 
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Ganjababy said:
Update

I am learning to let the hate go. I used to think that forgiveness meant you accepted the person back into your life and let them off the hook. She will never be let off the hook. But I am working hard to stop her being my ghoul.
Click to expand...

That's wonderful, lady!!!

And I should amend my previous layperson's advice:

I personally would commence training my sis, as I described, but that might not be the most healthy thing to do if doing so would stress or harm you. Staying away from her altogether might be better, in that case, I imagine. Your therapist will know best, I imagine!
 
Don't change your post please. I reread this thread for help lol. If she talks back to me I will retrain her
YvetteWithJoy said:
That's wonderful, lady!!!

And I should amend my previous layperson's advice:

I personally would commence training my sis, as I described, but that might not be the most healthy thing to do if doing so would stress or harm you. Staying away from her altogether might be better, in that case, I imagine. Your therapist will know best, I imagine!
Click to expand...
 
Ganjababy said:
is there such a saying?

I was just talking to my sister. She mentioned her mother. I just admitted to myself that I hate when she mentions her mother but I have put up with it for years because I do not want my sister to stop talking to me again.

She abused me when I was a kid and for my sister to cope she believes I imagined the abuse. Even though I still suffer from physical and emotional ramifications. Sometimes it is easy to pretend and ignore. But our last conversation keeps echoing in my mind and I feel like cutting her off. But she gave birth to my 4 nieces.


I hate that ***** so much. I am so angry. So tired of people telling me that my feelings and experiences with that monster is not important.

Just needed to get this off my freaking chest. The end.
Click to expand...
i find it so intriguing that on the same day that you jumped down my throat for being "mad" (ie. an angry black woman) for calling out the hypocrisy in society as it pertains to black women, you posted this about how your own sister can't understand your pain.

i ignored your other post because i don't like arguing with small-minded people who label someone with a differing opinion as mad or angry instead having an intellectual discussion about the points raised. but since I saw this post and you seem to be in strong need of life advice given your other past posts, i'll just say maybe start by trying not to be so hypocritical yourself. oh and don't bother responding. i'm putting your crazy arse on ignore.
 
Lol. Can you point me to the post. I am curious to see what I wrote. Which thread?
Sally. said:
i find it so intriguing that on the same day that you jumped down my throat for being "mad" (ie. an angry black woman) for calling out the hypocrisy in society as it pertains to black women, you posted this about how your own sister can't understand your pain.

i ignored your other post because i don't like arguing with small-minded people who label someone with a differing opinion as mad or angry instead having an intellectual discussion about the points raised. but since I saw this post and you seem to be in strong need of life advice given your other past posts, i'll just say maybe start by trying not to be so hypocritical yourself. oh and don't bother responding. i'm putting your crazy arse on ignore.
Click to expand...
This was hilarious at first but on reflection it is not. I obviously hurt your feelings in a post I made without thought...
 
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I vaguely remember saying you angry huh? To someone but I do not remember calling anyone “an angry black woman” you obviously have issues with being labelled the “angry black woman” and see yourself as such. When I said you are “angry huh” the stereotype you are referring to was not what I was referring to. This is a culturally diverse board. Remember that before you project next time. Not every issue is viewed the same by everyone.

I have been called angry and that label does not define me. Anger is part of the human experience. I am not ashamed. I am a complex being who can also be angry but that is one facet. I own my anger. I did not grow up having to fight the angry black woman trope. It never defined me and you insinuating that I am angry it is fine. I am not bothered.

What bothers me more is that I obviously hurt your feelings and I do apologize and I also need to be mindful of stuff I post because not everyone will get my humour.
 
so I went back and read your post and I remember saying you mad huh? Not even the word angry and you assume I am referring to you as an angry black woman. You need to do some self reflection. I was searching for my post but cannot find it because I know I would never call someone that, but I did find someone else calling you that. So it must be a raw nerve with you.

I am sorry.

Anyway I don’t know why I am in here answering you when you blocked me. :lachen:
 
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Sally. said:
i find it so intriguing that on the same day that you jumped down my throat for being "mad" (ie. an angry black woman) for calling out the hypocrisy in society as it pertains to black women, you posted this about how your own sister can't understand your pain.

i ignored your other post because i don't like arguing with small-minded people who label someone with a differing opinion as mad or angry instead having an intellectual discussion about the points raised. but since I saw this post and you seem to be in strong need of life advice given your other past posts, i'll just say maybe start by trying not to be so hypocritical yourself. oh and don't bother responding. i'm putting your crazy arse on ignore.
Click to expand...
You might want to unblock and at least read her apology. If not, no worries. I just thought you should see what she wrote. I'm not sure if you'll be happy with it, but at least she did not mean to make you feel bad (for whatever because I did not read the post so I do not know)...at least not intentionally.

Just a heads up at any rate
 
No extra comments because everything seems to be covered in here.

I do agree that your sis should know that there are topics that aren't up for discussion period. If she has a problem with that, she can walk (and it appears that you've already let her know how you feel so...).
 
I will not be made to feel ashamed for what is going on with me at the moment. I will continue to share. Today was a great day for me. One of the greatest. I am making strides. I had no choice but to join a support group for health professionals going through what I am going through. I had to wait 1 year before the next intake. There were 6 of us. All new waiting for 6 to 18 months to be a part of this support group. Drs and nurses. I am the only one who is still working. The only one with several diagnoses. The dr. Facilitating the group point blank told me that I should be hospitalized. I told him been there. Done that. At this moment a lot is going on at work and I choose not to go that route again. The department I manage is thriving. If I was a dead weight I would be happy to leave. My boss told someone that I am an asset despite what is going on and he would never get rid of me. If in 6 months I am not better then I will have no choice. I will get admitted again.

I was asked if I belong to any group while filling out the intake form and I could only list lhcf. But this too will change. Unless I am addressing patients. I suffer from social anxiety. Today during the group I met another woman who lives in my town. I approached her and asked her if we could car pool. It was really hard for me to ask her this and I do not know if it was even appropriate at our first meeting but I wanted to just get it over and done with. I am still cringing because I never ask for anything. But the experience did not kill me and it was on the to do list my therapist gave me for this week.

This is a fantastic week so far.
 
Ganjababy said:
I will not be made to feel ashamed for what is going on with me at the moment. I will continue to share. Today was a great day for me. One of the greatest. I am making strides. I had no choice but to join a support group for health professionals going through what I am going through. I had to wait 1 year before the next intake. There were 6 of us. All new waiting for 6 to 18 months to be a part of this support group. Drs and nurses. I am the only one who is still working. The only one with several diagnoses. The dr. Facilitating the group point blank told me that I should be hospitalized. I told him been there. Done that. At this moment a lot is going on at work and I choose not to go that route again. The department I manage is thriving. If I was a dead weight I would be happy to leave. My boss told someone that I am an asset despite what is going on and he would never get rid of me. If in 6 months I am not better then I will have no choice. I will get admitted again.

I was asked if I belong to any group while filling out the intake form and I could only list lhcf. But this too will change. Unless I am addressing patients. I suffer from social anxiety. Today during the group I met another woman who lives in my town. I approached her and asked her if we could car pool. It was really hard for me to ask her this and I do not know if it was even appropriate at our first meeting but I wanted to just get it over and done with. I am still cringing because I never ask for anything. But the experience did not kill me and it was on the to do list my therapist gave me for this week.

This is a fantastic week so far.
Click to expand...

I really enjoyed reading this, ma'am! Thanks for sharing, and Godspeed as you continue!

Much love to you!
 
Ganjababy said:
I will not be made to feel ashamed for what is going on with me at the moment. I will continue to share. Today was a great day for me. One of the greatest. I am making strides. I had no choice but to join a support group for health professionals going through what I am going through. I had to wait 1 year before the next intake. There were 6 of us. All new waiting for 6 to 18 months to be a part of this support group. Drs and nurses. I am the only one who is still working. The only one with several diagnoses. The dr. Facilitating the group point blank told me that I should be hospitalized. I told him been there. Done that. At this moment a lot is going on at work and I choose not to go that route again. The department I manage is thriving. If I was a dead weight I would be happy to leave. My boss told someone that I am an asset despite what is going on and he would never get rid of me. If in 6 months I am not better then I will have no choice. I will get admitted again.

I was asked if I belong to any group while filling out the intake form and I could only list lhcf. But this too will change. Unless I am addressing patients. I suffer from social anxiety. Today during the group I met another woman who lives in my town. I approached her and asked her if we could car pool. It was really hard for me to ask her this and I do not know if it was even appropriate at our first meeting but I wanted to just get it over and done with. I am still cringing because I never ask for anything. But the experience did not kill me and it was on the to do list my therapist gave me for this week.

This is a fantastic week so far.
Click to expand...

I forbid you from feeling any shame and from not sharing. I absolutely forbid it! And, since I'm much older and am typing with a straight face, my orders should be unquestioningly obeyed.:lol: All jokes aside, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to open oneself up to scrutiny, particularly during times of crisis. I commend you for that. I truly do. I'm also deliriously happy that this has proven to be a great week for you. Take pride in your successes; feed off of them and use them as a springboard for even greater progress. And, know that others are "happy chair dancing" and celebrating them along with you.
 
Wow. This was a very telling thread. I can empathize. As a young child, I was told I was not planned and was supposed to be a boy. That was a lot to navigate. Through the years I hated and longed for what I believed to be a loving normal mother to daughter relationship. It didn't happen. I had a baby at 31 and I guess it got a little better. My mother seemed to have a lot vested in the first two offspring. My father remained in the marriage. My mother and I had a healing during her final illness.

I didn't have experiences like my mother trying to get me deported to hold on to her man. A lady i worked with told me when her kids talked like she and the dh did at school, Child ps came to the house. She began to talk about sending her kids to foster care to keep dh. I really wanted to jump on her however she was a white girl with kentucky roots. She reminded me of Elly Mae Clampett.

I did not think that there was any hope for me and mom. My brother and I were 11 months apart. This was a major cause of my mother's impaired parenting. I think from the time I was about one to four years old my father was in a veterans administration hospital with spinal tuberculosis.

God addressed our dead relationship. I wish everyone visiting this thread the best in physical and emotional health. Whatever is needed to give your life that peace and balance, do that. It lines up with, With all that lies within you live peaceably with all people.
 
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So I had to find positive things in my life that I use for support to tell my therapist. I mentioned this forum. He said he wants to join lol. I told him It’s not free And unless he has a biracial child with a black woman and he needs hair advice, he needs to keep his entitled white man behind away. He laughed.
 
Ganjababy said:
So I had to find positive things in my life that I use for support to tell my therapist. I mentioned this forum. He said he wants to join lol. I told him It’s not free And unless he has a biracial child with a black woman and he needs hair advice, he needs to keep his entitled white man behind away. He laughed.
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I’m glad things are going well but please stop telling yt folks about this place. They’ve ruined enough already.
 
I can totally relate! My mom was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I am the oldest and felt the brunt of all of this from age 2-16 years old. I knew i hated my mom growing up and would often dream of killing her in her sleep but wouldn’t because she wasn’t mean when she was sleeping. I was cursed at, beaten, put on a balcony in a blizzard with shorts and T-shirt for hours, spat on, choked with belts you name it.

It wasn’t until i left for the military at 19 did I realize how messed up my life was as a child. That was around the time i found this board and you guys have helped me in every area of my life.

My relationship with my mom has always been rocky because she doesn’t realize the extent of what she did as she was abused as a child. She would always say I didn’t get it as bad as her or be happy i was able to live with my mother.

My relationship with my sister is great but at times she doesn’t understand why I am they way I am to our mother. She gives her a break because she was a teen mother and did her best. She also wasn’t treated the way I was even though there were instances i know she blocks out to cope. It didn’t really start to bother me until i had DD.

I have PTSD and major depression/anxiety.
 
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