I dont know what's wrong with me

[*~Mocha~*]

I'm approaching 29 and have pretty much never been in a real relationship. I do have a child, but I wouldn't consider what her father and I had a relationship. I wasted years on the dude and was young and naive. Anyway, I've found myself to always be facing the disappearing act, with every man I date. I just don't get it. I'm at the point where I feel like contacting all the disappearees and asking them what went wrong. Not to salvage anything but to understand what it is that I'm doing wrong. I was convinced that I've just been meeting douches but now I'm realizing it's me. I've dated regular Joe's, attorneys, cfo's, police officers, athletes.. and it's all the same.

I'm naturally quiet but can sometimes hide that. I've been on dates where I was completely smitten and was quiet but I've also had dates were I was open and very engaging. They all seem to have a great time, go on multiple dates then all of a sudden I never hear back. Sometimes I let it go but other times I hit them up to see what's going on and it's always the same 'been busy with work' and that's the end of it.

I just need advice on how to find out what I'm doing wrong. It's hard to tell because they've never communicated it to me and just fell off the face of the earth.

Within the last month I've had 2 disappearing acts. I'm so tempted to contact them and ask what happened but I don't want to come off as desperate.. but I need to know.

 

[MixedBerry]

Hi OP, extremely personal question. ..how is your feminine or mouth hygiene?? I ask because your question has been asked before and there never seems to be an "answer" and I'm not sure if anyone ever just "goes there". So, I'm asking.

I'm assuming you're attractive because you are getting dates and I'm assuming you are able to have functional conversation because you mention you have conversations during dates. So, hmmm, have you had issues with bv (bacterial vaginosis)? A womans scent can strongly be affected by it. What about your mouth? Do you have issues with plaque build up? For whatever reason, people will NEVER tell you if they felt you had an issue with stuff like that. Again, I'm totally just throwing that out there. Just a thought. I'm definitely not trying to produce any sensationalism here. I'm totally just trying a different angle.

 

[Ladely]

Try asking your friends what they observe about you. Do you have any odd quirks? or respond to things in a weird way?, etc. They may catch something you may not notice about yourself.

Was there anything potentially odd about your last interaction with any of them?

(...or maybe you're just attracted to men with certain personalities regardless of profession?)

 

[pre_medicalrulz]

Are you giving up the goodies to quickly??

 

[MixedBerry]

Are you giving up the goodies to quickly??

But she said everyone disappears. Even if she was giving it up too quickly there would still be those that would continually want a cookie, even if it's just a cookie! But folks just be bouncin completely. Apparently all of them! No?

 

[*~Mocha~*]

Hi OP, extremely personal question. ..how is your feminine or mouth hygiene?? I ask because your question has been asked before and there never seems to be an "answer" and I'm not sure if anyone ever just "goes there". So, I'm asking.

I'm assuming you're attractive because you are getting dates and I'm assuming you are able to have functional conversation because you mention you have conversations during dates. So, hmmm, have you had issues with bv (bacterial vaginosis)? A womans scent can strongly be affected by it. What about your mouth? Do you have issues with plaque build up? For whatever reason, people will NEVER tell you if they felt you had an issue with stuff like that. Again, I'm totally just throwing that out there. Just a thought. I'm definitely not trying to produce any sensationalism here. I'm totally just trying a different angle.

I always make sure I take care of both. In addition, im always freshening up, after a meal. I'm sure its not that.

 

[*~Mocha~*]

Are you giving up the goodies to quickly??

Nope, I keep the goodies on lock.

 

[*~Mocha~*]

Try asking your friends what they observe about you. Do you have any odd quirks? or respond to things in a weird way?, etc. They may catch something you may not notice about yourself.

Was there anything potentially odd about your last interaction with any of them?

(...or maybe you're just attracted to men with certain personalities regardless of profession?)

My friends are stomped. They always tell me they don't understand why I'm single. They tell me I'm attractive and have a good heart and seem like I'd be great in a relationship. They're pretty much convinced it's the men and not me.

I didn't notice anything odd in the last interaction. We went out for dinner and we had a great time. He complimented me heavily, we laughed at each other's jokes and we spoke later that night and then he disappeared.

 

[*~Mocha~*]

I'm pretty unhappy with my life. My career situation and everything else, such as being perpetually single. Maybe they sense that?? I don't know, because I can mask it and fake it. I'm also always reluctant to show too much feeling because I know they will disappear, but I do show enough to let them know I'm interested. Ugh!

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

I'm pretty unhappy with my life. My career situation and everything else, such as being perpetually single. Maybe they sense that?? I don't know, because I can mask it and fake it. I'm also always reluctant to show too much feeling because I know they will disappear, but I do show enough to let them know I'm interested. Ugh!

Maybe what YOU think you're showing us different from their actual perception.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I'm guessing it's them. Take it for what its worth since I dont know you at all.

On paper you sound like an option for marriage but after a few dates they realize they aren't ready to be instant dad/husband.

Are you dating older men? Older as in grown kids and/or not interested in biological kids. I think young men tend to freak out and bounce more so than older men when kids are involved.

You don't have to go for older men but I think young men feel like they have options.

 

[celiabug]

I was basically asking myself the same question just last week and when I stepped back and took a really hard look at myself I figured out that the issue was me. Some of my problems were picking the wrong guy as well as giving off a "needy" vibe. I'm still working on it though but sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves. And honestly I think asking some of the guys where it went wrong is a good idea actually.

 

[LHLover]

Every night before you go to bed every night, write down in your journal three things you value about yourself or how you bring value to the world. This will greatly impact how you view yourself and change the choices (sometimes unconscious ones) you make and ultimately how others view you.

 

[FlowerHair]

Are you too "nice"? That was part of my problem...

I was single from 24 to 34 basically, with shorter flings during those years. After 34 I've never been single, so I know it was my demeanor that I deliberately changed that lead to my SO.

 

[Lenee925]

I'm pretty unhappy with my life. My career situation and everything else, such as being perpetually single. Maybe they sense that?? I don't know, because I can mask it and fake it. I'm also always reluctant to show too much feeling because I know they will disappear, but I do show enough to let them know I'm interested. Ugh!

I was also scratching my head but this leapt out at me. The thing is, you're not really as good as you think you are in faking it. I say this because I can relate to you 100%. Guys are dumb, but really, really perceptive at the most interesting times. They can smell this kind of stuff of a woman. When you are striving to wake up each day, count the blessings you do have and be more positive about your life and live yourself more IT SHOWS. You will radiate and you will be more attractive not only to others but to the most important person, you. I took some advice here and read a free kindle sample on my phone of the book, "The Tao of Dating". The title is kinda corny but the content is changing my outlook not only on men but my life in measurable ways.

I also think you are just running into a bad patch of frogs just like many single gals are. ♥

 

[Kindheart]

I m not single but I noticed that nowadays the game has changed and men want to be chased . They want a woman who chase them and treats them like they re replaceable .
They also less willing to settle down as they think they can always have better .

 

[Smiley79]

I was basically asking myself the same question just last week and when I stepped back and took a really hard look at myself I figured out that the issue was me. Some of my problems were picking the wrong guy as well as giving off a "needy" vibe. I'm still working on it though but sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves. And honestly I think asking some of the guys where it went wrong is a good idea actually.

Well said celiabug...your post is everything. I completely agree and relate to this feeling.
Likewise I had to take a good look at myself and evaluate things. (And as someone mentioned above it is a good idea to ask an HONEST yet constructive friend or relative with a mature view of character to tell you what their honest opinion or experience is of you. I did that and it was very helpful.) I also am in the process of doing some other things to overcome that feeling.

Hugs to you OP!

 

[ms-gg]

Are you too "nice"? That was part of my problem...

I was single from 24 to 34 basically, with shorter flings during those years. After 34 I've never been single, so I know it was my demeanor that I deliberately changed that lead to my SO.

If you don't mind me asking, what are some examples of things you did that you would consider to be "too nice"

 

[intellectualuva]

I m not single but I noticed that nowadays the game has changed and men want to be chased . They want a woman who chase them and treats them like they re replaceable .
They also less willing to settle down as they think they can always have better .

I hear this so often. It sounds so much like this grass is greener...shiny ball method of dating......its sad.

OP...I would suggest asking, but honestly, if you're so unhappy with your life...I'd focus on that. Maybe they sense that energy or maybe that eneergy is affecting how you pick men. What they do (as you listed a variety of occupations) isn't the only indicator of "picking good men", you could simply be picking men with good jobs who dont want what you want or simply (not to be mean) want to keep you. I wish you luck and more than anything I hope you find some happiness for you and your baby.

 

[hopeful]

I agree that it is you but not that there is anything wrong with you. What stood out to me is that you had a baby with a man that you can't claim to have had a real relationship with. I hear women on hear say that all of the time. That there tells me that you gave yourself to someone who was unworthy, who had not courted you, or adored you. I think you need to ask yourself why. The easy answer is that you were young and naive but honestly I think you need to dig deeper. Get to the root of that, heal that, forgive yourself, and move forward, renewed. I think you are carrying around guilt and shame from the past and don't believe you are worthy, lovable, deserving of someone who stays. And when they leave, you think it's somehow your fault. The good news is that you are beautiful and worthy. But you are going to have to do the internal work to heal so that you are happy and exude joy, and no longer experience the disappearing acts. Praying that 2014 brings you peace in this area.

 

[*~Mocha~*]

I agree that it is you but not that there is anything wrong with you. What stood out to me is that you had a baby with a man that you can't claim to have had a real relationship with. I hear women on hear say that all of the time. That there tells me that you gave yourself to someone who was unworthy, who had not courted you, or adored you. I think you need to ask yourself why. The easy answer is that you were young and naive but honestly I think you need to dig deeper. Get to the root of that, heal that, forgive yourself, and move forward, renewed. I think you are carrying around guilt and shame from the past and don't believe you are worthy, lovable, deserving of someone who stays. And when they leave, you think it's somehow your fault. The good news is that you are beautiful and worthy. But you are going to have to do the internal work to heal so that you are happy and exude joy, and no longer experience the disappearing acts. Praying that 2014 brings you peace in this area.

hopeful I appreciate your kind words, but I am not ashamed of my past nor am I feeling any type of guilt from it.

I was with my child's father from age 17- about 25. I had my child at 22. He did court me, we had what I thought a good relationship but then things changed after my daughter was born. It wasn't an 'ideal' relationship is what I should've said.

 

[lux10023]

i have some friends like this--their nice women and have their stuff all the way together buttttttttt-----they come to me so they can commission their inner (for lack of a better word) ****/confidence...

too nice girls never get the man--you have to let men and ppl know you are the ish and they will act accordingly--no one wants something they can have so easily--ppl want what they can't have!!!

its not about playing games its about--that inner confidence that shines like the brightest light you ever seen
but that comes forom within--if your unhappy or in a certain headspace ppl can tell--even if you think your masking it ppl can pick up on it--

unfort men because the date so damn much know exactly what type of chick they are dealing with upon meeting and conversing with her---they know...

 

[hopeful]

I'm approaching 29 and have pretty much never been in a real relationship. I do have a child, but I wouldn't consider what her father and I had a relationship. I wasted years on the dude and was young and naive. Anyway, I've found myself to always be facing the disappearing act, with every man I date.
...

I posted what I wrote based on the bolded. Based on your follow up post you have been alone for only 4 years then. And you were in a real relationship from the age of 17 to 25, that's 8 years. Even if it wasn't "ideal" someone stuck around for 8 years. I don't have any other suggestions. I wish you the best in problem-solving your current situation.

 

[Kindheart]

i have some friends like this--their nice women and have their stuff all the way together buttttttttt-----they come to me so they can commission their inner (for lack of a better word) ****/confidence...

too nice girls never get the man--you have to let men and ppl know you are the ish and they will act accordingly--no one wants something they can have so easily--ppl want what they can't have!!!

its not about playing games its about--that inner confidence that shines like the brightest light you ever seen
but that comes forom within--if your unhappy or in a certain headspace ppl can tell--even if you think your masking it ppl can pick up on it--

unfort men because the date so damn much know exactly what type of chick they are dealing with upon meeting and conversing with her---they know...

I agree with this but now men learned this game too and act exactly like what you described above . Things have drastically changed .

 

[CarLiTa]

There's a book precisely on what you're looking for: getting feedback from the men who disappeared. I wish we could easily upload docs here. Someone mentioned it in another thread and I requested it.

I'm curious: given how you describe your previous relationship in this thread, do you do the same if a man asks you? Because that leads to so many questions and assumptions that would he very unfavorable to you. It's really difficult for anyone to understand how someone can *consentedly* have a child with someone they were not in a relationship with. So, when you say something like that, huge red flags go up and people *will* assume that something isn't quite right... with the situation, with your self-esteem and, some, with you

So, IF you are doing that on dates, you're really really selling yourself short.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I would just work on being happier. That much is in your control, and it's the most important factor, it really is. Whatever it is that you're not happy with in your life, change it, improve it, or remove it. You can control your happiness, and there are lots of resources on this subject. Treat yourself really really well, I mean spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. Put yourself first, be a little bit selfish, get happy, and I think the rest will work itself out.

 

[Lucie]

What do you discuss on your dates? Anything too serious?

What kind of man are you attracted to?

Is your life in order?

Does your daughter's father bother you? Make things difficult? Is he discussed with your dates?

Do you have the opportunity to date as you have a DD?

Do you qualify a man prior to going out? I don't like to go out with a man unless we have had a few chats so I can see where his mind is.

How do you feel about yourself?

Sorry for the 21 questions.

 

[FlowerHair]

If you don't mind me asking, what are some examples of things you did that you would consider to be "too nice"

I was too nice in the sense that is described in this book: Why men love b****

Like a doormat...

Most men fall for assertive women, who know who they are and aren't needy or clingy. (Just like we fall for men who are that way as well.)

In other words *~Mocha~* : don't call the exes!!! Ever! Especially not to ask them "what you did wrong"...

 

[LaBelleLL]

I would just work on being happier. That much is in your control, and it's the most important factor, it really is. Whatever it is that you're not happy with in your life, change it, improve it, or remove it. You can control your happiness, and there are lots of resources on this subject. Treat yourself really really well, I mean spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. Put yourself first, be a little bit selfish, get happy, and I think the rest will work itself out.

OP i don't know what to say to help but this bolded right here is the truth. the business. just everything!

thanks is not enough SincerelyJane

 

[hopeful]

I would just work on being happier. That much is in your control, and it's the most important factor, it really is. Whatever it is that you're not happy with in your life, change it, improve it, or remove it. You can control your happiness, and there are lots of resources on this subject. Treat yourself really really well, I mean spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. Put yourself first, be a little bit selfish, get happy, and I think the rest will work itself out.

OP i don't know what to say to help but this bolded right here is the truth. the business. just everything!

thanks is not enough SincerelyJane

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