I Am The Placeholder Wife.

dancinstallion

dancinstallion

Well-Known Member
That other thread has really gave me a reality check. I am the placeholder wife, Or do I just feel that way because deep inside of me, Dh has been my placeholder husband. The only thing is after 13 years I haven't found anyone better than him. So it is either keep the placeholder or become divorced with children. :(

I wasn't always the placeholder wife but I know the last few years I have been. I know he has been looking but I know he is too lazy or too cheap to court the women properly, or he can't find what he is looking for. I feel like he uses me as his crutch and if he could find someone else to do it for him then he would.
 
I caught him talking on the phone to a lady he just met. (mind you this isn't the first time he has been caught talking to other women on the phone, All the women always deny any type of relationship with him so I can never confirm if it is more than talking.) but this time

I mean he did all of the NO NOs. He turned off his phone so I couldn't see the call. ( I am thinking to myself if he hangs up now then I know it is a woman) sure enough he hangs up his cell phone. Then he wouldn't let me see his phone. He told me to wait until he gets home. I told him don't come home. (I knew he was just trying to find a way to delete the number.)

I lock him out of the house and he almost breaks the glass door down after twenty minutes so I let him in. Sure enough he has deleted the number. Long story he met this lady while at an African convention/party and they were just talking.

I told him we are done, and that he can leave(I know he won't leave because he doesn't have the strength yet, plus he stays for the kids) So I told him we can be room mates and coparent, so to not disrupt the kids lives.

That is when I made the coparent from the same house thread.

I know DH loves attention and for people to stroke his ego. I don't do that. so I wanted to know why is he still doing this? If not for attention but actually searching for someone. Sometimes I believe he only stays for the feeling that he has a family and the "He has such a good family" title that his friends admire.
 
ChasingBliss said:
Somehow I feel this still doesnt make you a placeholder.
But clearly there is trouble in your marriage. How long are you willing to live like this? What do you ultimately want?
Click to expand...

I don't want to live like this anymore so I am really trying to get my life together. I am focusing on me (weight and school wise) and the kids, just trying to get back to a place of happy. I am working on myself and once I accomplish some of my goals then I will reevaluate my our relationship if we still have one at that time. I am trying to do what makes me happy whether dh is in it or not.
 
I understand. A husband, a man with a family, has no good reason to be chit chatting with random women outside of business or family. People want you to say I saw him ****** in our bed with my own two eyes. What he is doing is enough to make you feel embarrassed and unsafe in the marriage. He's supposed to be the protector. How can he do that when he is running around like a little boy seeking attention and strokes.

And also, generally, where there is smoke is fire.
 
hopeful said:
I understand. A husband, a man with a family, has no good reason to be chit chatting with random women outside of business or family. People want you to say I saw him ****** in our bed with my own two eyes. What he is doing is enough to make you feel embarrassed and unsafe in the marriage. He's supposed to be the protector. How can he do that when he is running around like a little boy seeking attention and strokes.
Click to expand...

That is exactly what I said to him. Grow the fluck up.

DH and I had this conversation before. He is so used to people telling him how young he looks, and how nicely he dresses and etc he craves/needs the accolades and validation. he is an attention seeking extrovert.

I am an introvert and I don't need/crave the accolades because I already know. we are complete opposites.
 
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keyawarren said:
It sounds like you're not feeling him. If you know he needs his ego stroked why arent you doing it?

How did you guys let 13 years go by? ( that's not a judgment, its an actual question)
Click to expand...

I am not feeling him anymore and frankly I don't care if he isn't feeling me.
Mainly he stayed for the kids and the circumstances. our kids are 10 and 8, and before I didn't have the money to leave, now that I have the means, I think about how our mortgage on 4bd house is cheaper than 2 bedroom rent in Houston. That is money going outside the home if anyone of us moves. We are just right financially where we can take trips, pay off debt, and supplement the kids education. I don't want that to change because then I will blame myself when we can't do those things anymore.
Plus he always threatens that he won't take care of the kids as much if he leaves. I don't want to call his bluff because most men don't take care of their kids once they leave the house.


My friend always tells me I don't want the single parent life that has to chase her baby father down to watch thier kids. and I don't.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this OP. A marriage of convenience has got to be very painful and what your husband is doing is a form of cheating. He needs to be called to the floor to give a pretty damn good reason, that doesn't involve him shaking accountability, as to why he's sneaking conversations with random women.

I do have a question for you though? What is so wrong/harmful in stroking your husband's ego a little.
 
@dancinstallion

(((Hugs))) You do what is best for you. Be strong. Have faith that if you go in another direction, all you have to do is take one step at a time. You might be surprised what support the universe will send your way. You don't have to figure everything out all at once. And don't let him bully you into staying. You stay because you choose to stay. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. You have been handed lemons and will have to decide what you want to make with them. Whatever you decide, you will be fine. Know that you are loved.
 
I will not advise you to leave but I have been somewhat in your shoes. I know how FEAR can prevent us from living our best lives..
The worries I had before leaving my marriage are all moot points today. @hopeful is sooooo right about how the universe will send what you need. I was worried about my lifestyle changing due to him being the main breadwinner.

Would you know that on top of my DRASTICALLY improved quality of life, my salary has doubled! I make more than him now!!

At my lowest, you couldn't have paid me to believe this would be my reality in such a short amount of time.

If staying is truly what you feel is best for your family, I get it. BUT if that decision is purely based on fear; you know what to do.

Either way, Best to your entire household and :bighug:.
 
dancinstallion said:
. I don't want that to change because then I will blame myself when we can't do those things anymore
Click to expand...

But is that worth your happiness and peace of mind?

It may be a little more difficult and require some sacrifice on your part, but none of those things are impossible without him.

I don't pretend to know what it's like to be married, but this sounds like an awful way to live, and life is entirely too short.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide.
 
Been there OP and on the otherside. This is only my experience and i am not comparing in any way.

So happy its over. Our dd is not in an asylum or medicated and drooling in the corner. Also as another poster said financially she is doing better. Well me too! Currently earning 4x what he does now. And its only been 6 years.

So YOLO i thought 6 years aho. It aint worth it to put myself and kid through misery. The kids also sense the drama and it skews their idea of what marriage is. Trust. Happened to me with my parents sham of a marriage... they divorced the minute i graduated college when I'd begged them to as a teen!

They stayed for us kids... well great job that did. My man picker is still all jacked up! And we never saw them happy not one day in their 30 year farce. Its sad for them and their children and legacy they left behind!

Not for MY child!!

And shame on your husband for this MANIPULATING BULLSHYT!! HOW DARE HE USE YOUR KIDS AS A WEAPON TO KEEP YOU!! WTF!!
dancinstallion said:
Plus he always threatens that he won't take care of the kids as much if he leaves. I don't want to call his bluff because most men don't take care of their kids once they leave the house.
Click to expand...
This nonsense would have made me set all his **** up in flames!!!:angry2:
 
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Thank all of you for the advice and well wishes. I really appreciate it.

I do believe in the Universe and what it will bring. I thank God that I am able to see the signs placed around me. Dh calls me superstitious but I told him it was meant for me to catch him talking on the phone that day because everything fell in place and led me right there and he did everthing I knew he was going to do. Now whether this was done for me to react or for him to change, that I don't know.

I can't read the signs when it comes to leaving or staying though. The universe put it in front of me/smacked me in the face with the signs sometimes. But I don't know how to deal with it because, it is such a drastic decision both ways. Considering I am not living in poor conditions yet I know I could be living better and happier. Was this a sign for me to store and use later, while I get myself together in preparation for what's to come?
 
dancinstallion said:
I caught him talking on the phone to a lady he just met. (mind you this isn't the first time he has been caught talking to other women on the phone, All the women always deny any type of relationship with him so I can never confirm if it is more than talking.) but this time

I mean he did all of the NO NOs. He turned off his phone so I couldn't see the call. ( I am thinking to myself if he hangs up now then I know it is a woman) sure enough he hangs up his cell phone. Then he wouldn't let me see his phone. He told me to wait until he gets home. I told him don't come home. (I knew he was just trying to find a way to delete the number.)

I lock him out of the house and he almost breaks the glass door down after twenty minutes so I let him in. Sure enough he has deleted the number. Long story he met this lady while at an African convention/party and they were just talking.

I told him we are done, and that he can leave(I know he won't leave because he doesn't have the strength yet, plus he stays for the kids) So I told him we can be room mates and coparent, so to not disrupt the kids lives.

That is when I made the coparent from the same house thread.

I know DH loves attention and for people to stroke his ego. I don't do that. so I wanted to know why is he still doing this? If not for attention but actually searching for someone. Sometimes I believe he only stays for the feeling that he has a family and the "He has such a good family" title that his friends admire.
Click to expand...
I know some advice is to keep the family intact, but both of you are out the door. I have been in your position, in a marriage, I will not tell you what to do, but the question I had to ask myself is do I want my child modeling my behavior? Do I want my child to bring a grandchild into this cycle? An affection less marriage.
 
Do what you need to do to. Whatever it is, you don't want to look back with regret. But what y'all are doing is not working for you, him and definitely not the kids.

Sounds like he's going make the decision. He's looking and eventually he may find what he's looking for.

How about about a trial separation? You go back to dating each other (no sex initially) and co parenting.
 
WhoIAm said:
Do what you need to do to. Whatever it is, you don't want to look back with regret. But what y'all are doing is not working for you, him and definitely not the kids.

Sounds like he's going make the decision. He's looking and eventually he may find what he's looking for.

How about about a trial separation? You go back to dating each other (no sex initially) and co parenting.
Click to expand...


I agree things will progress sooner or later so op needs to get in front of this pronto.

Op if you have a support system now is the time to lean on them. They don't have to know you business but for the emotional support. Or many be they can watch the kids while you make moves..
 
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