I so wanted him to put a ring on it- continued.
Posted 05-23-2010 at 07:46 PM by Ganjababy
So, after that drama he was really angry with me and said he did not want to see me again. I apologized profusely and after a week he forgave me and we continued where we left off.
I continued to fall deeper and deeper in love with him. One night I had a dream that the world was coming to an end. This was in the late 1990's and I had always believed that the world was coming to an end by the end of the millenium So the dream was not a surprise to me. However, in the dream he was by my side. So was my mom, dad, sisters and brothers, and I felt at peace. I felt at peace because the people I loved the most were with me even though we were all going to die.
That dream was like a sign that he was the one. I decided then and there that I wanted to be his wife. Even though I was engaged before, I truly never had any real intention of ever being married. I had/have a lot of hang-ups regarding marriage and men and just knew that I was not marriage material and I did not like the idea of marriage. However, now that I had fallen so deeply for this guy, I felt that I could work through any neurosis I had. The problem was I did not know if he would ever want to be my husband.
After a couple more blissful months, he told me he was going to buy plane tickets so that we could go and see his mom. I was like so happy! His father had died previously. He really looked up to his mom and always spoke about the fact that he was so proud of her. She was a lawyer and had achieved a lot for a black woman of her generation. She also sounded like a tough lady, so though I was extremely ecstatic at the fact that he was taking me home to meet her, I was also a bit nervous.
Then the poop hit the fan, and my world came crashing down.
I got a call on my home phone asking me who I was and why (lets call him Mathew) was calling this number so many times and speaking to someone on this phone for hours. I was dumbstruck. All I could think of saying to the caller was to ask who they were. The caller said not to worry about that. They just wanted to know who I was. I hung up.
I rang him and told him about the phone call. He immediately came to my house and we had a talk. He told me he was once married. He referred to her as his ex so I thought that they were divorced. They had just only separated when we started going out. He was with her when I wondered why he had not asked me out. I was really upset. However it got worse.
The home they had shared while they were still together had to be fixed for some reason so she and their son were basically homeless and had moved into his apartment (so he said) that week while the old marital home was being fixed. So that was how she was able to get hold of his phone bill.
I then asked him why they had broken up. He was honest with me and said that he cheated on her with someone else. One day, she was home and he had not realised it. She overheard him speaking to his side-piece on the phone and went berserk. Though he tried to convince her that he really wanted it to work, and dumped the side-piece, eventually it was just too much for her and they decided it was best if they broke up.
I could not get over the fact that he was under the same roof with his wife and that he had failed to tell me the truth about his marriage. I told him I could not continue the relationship with his wife living under the same roof as him. He said it would only be for several weeks.
After a couple of weeks, I found the situation unbearable. I could not handle the fact that I could not go to his house because his wife was there. I used to lay awake at night and imagine that he was making love to her and felt utter misery. I knew that he still had feelings for her and respected her as the mother of his child.
One night at about 3am I received a call from a number that was blocked. I could hear some heavy breathing as if someone was having sex. I hung up and bawled my eyes out. The next day I confronted him and he pretended ignorance. I believe that him and his wife had sex and she rang my number while they did the deed. I ended our relationship. There was only so much I could take.
Ending that relationship was the hardest thing I had ever done. I felt like I had chopped off my arm. I was hysterical. The emotions I felt overwhelmed me. I felt as if I was sliding into an abyss of darkness. I lost all control. I remember going to my sister's house after. I was on the train crying and bawling and people were looking at me like I had no control over my emotions. I tried so hard to keep it together. I kept telling myself "girl, you always look down on women who act crazy over some peen and now here you are acting like some crazy obsessed woman, pull yourself together!"
When I got to my sister's house she was really worried and thought I had gone crazy. She called my Mom and they both tried to calm me down. I was depressed for a few months.
Just when I started to feel normal again, I went out to a party with some friends and he was there. When I saw him I had a panic attack and nearly fainted. He said he was glad to see me and attempted to give me a hug. I smelled his cologne and wanted to devour him. Instead, I brushed him off and left the party. I felt distressed. He rang me and asked me to hear him out.
He told me that his wife's house was finally fixed and she and their son had moved out of his home. He said that he knew that I want something serious with him and he felt the same way. He loved me and wanted us to move in together. He said that he took so long to get back in touch with me after I dumped him because he wanted to make sure that he had something serious to offer me and he could not do it while his wife was still under his roof.
I felt happy after he said all this and I told him yes. After I hung up I felt unease. He never mentioned marriage. He never mentioned divorce from his wife. I kept remembering that his wife left him because he cheated. I knew, without him telling me, that he really loved his wife, yet she was not enough for him. She was a good woman, yet he disrespected her. Would I really be enough for him? Could he be faithful to me? Did I really want to trade places with her?
I decided not to go back to him and told him. I felt so much pain cutting him off. It was extremely hard. However, I did it for self preservation. I am not going to lie and say that I did it because of my principles. I loved him so much that all principles went out the window. I ended it because I knew that if he did to me what he did to his wife, I would probably break, I was too fragile to handle it. I had been through so much with my family, that I decided from an early age that I would not allow anyone the power to put me through so much grief again.
I always try to find some good in everything. Even the worse experiences. I am thankful that I had him in my life. I enjoyed those few months we had together. Before him I honestly thought I was frigid. He showed me that nothing was wrong with me. He showed me that I was not too damaged to enjoy the beauty of lovemaking. I felt good about myself, that I was able to walk away even though it was such a painful experience. He made me realise that I wanted to be married and have a normal life. He made me realise that I could love.
A year after we broke up I met my DH. Our marriage may not be perfect. We have our ups and downs and disagreements. However, he is a good man. He has seen me through a lot. He provided for me financially while I gained 2 degrees. He accepts me for who I am. He is committed to our relationship. He is hard working, dependable and trustworthy.
I saw my ex on Friday at a function. I was with my DH and sister. My sister said in a suprised tone "wow, there is Mathew, he looks so good." When I saw him I felt a lump in my throat and fleeting longing. I said hi to him. At first he did not recognize me. I have lost a lot of weight. He told me that I looked amazing. He hugged me and kept repeating it. My DH was getting a drink. I left Mathew standing there staring in surprise. I could see the longing in his eyes. I quickly went to my DH's side. He instinctively squeezed my hand and asked me if I was okay. I smiled and told him yes.
I then thought of this poem by Wordsworth.............
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering..........................
erplexed
