How to Conversate W/ A Very Untalkative Man

[TayMac]

Is he a virgo by chance lol? That sounds very similar to my SO. He is of few words most of the time but listens well and remembers most everything.

Anyway..he has opened up much more in these months we've been together so my advice is patience and persistence if he is your type of guy.

I know what he likes to talk about so I start with that and lead into other subjects and I don't get the one word answers anymore.

 

[MzPrince]

Maybe he should spend the time talking to you every word that he is texting to you and you will probably have a conversation for once face to face.

 

[gn1g]

two things:

You be just as quiet as he is.


get him drunk, most drunks talk and tell everything.

 

[longhairlover]

my friends new husband is like that, but to me he's like that because he's sneaky. I met him and my hubby tried to conjure up a convo and dude said nothing and normally my hubby bonds with dudes (on a friend level lol). I say her hubby is sneaky because his ex still sends him bday cards and tries to call him, he was too quiet to tell my friend she found out by snooping.

I hate men that don't really talk to me they are hiding something.

Don't trust quiet men and as the other ladies said tell him a friendship/relationship has to have some sort of convo that's just weird.

I've known guys like that and I dumped them.

 

[Curlybeauty]

Have you known him for a while? Maybe he is still in that scared stage of a new interaction? I'm pretty quiet too, especially when I first meet someone, which is why I prefer men with great communication skills. That warms me up then I turn into a gabber.

See I haven't known him that long, and I have only chilled out with him once...so part of me makes me think that is it.

HEY LADIES!!!

*Don't hafta light a newport for dis one....dis one hea is easy..*

if he can't stimulate you mentally, then he probably won't be able to "stimulate" u in da bedroom period.

then too, when you talk too much about yourself, you tell too much. men are to be left intrigued...it's all part of the art of pursuit and all that good stuff.

or, if you really like him, when he calls, be like him. real non chalant(sp) and always end the convo.

I just thought I should let you know that you are a fool for the bolded but yeah next time I see him, I see that i'm going to have to treat him like he treats me and see how he acts...

This would be a deal breaker for me. I understand taking a while to open up but this seems like a totally different situation. I'd advise him to find a girl like him so they can sit around on mute together. No thanks

No different, I haven't been talking to him that long. Only hung out with him once...

Is he a virgo by chance lol? That sounds very similar to my SO. He is of few words most of the time but listens well and remembers most everything.

Anyway..he has opened up much more in these months we've been together so my advice is patience and persistence if he is your type of guy.

I know what he likes to talk about so I start with that and lead into other subjects and I don't get the one word answers anymore.

Yeah laidback guys are def my ytype, but I have never met somebody this relaxed lol one of my good friends went to HS with him and she told me that that's just how he is, something you have to get used to lol But i'm interested...that's half the reason I like him. But at the same time, I just need to make sure that I don't end up doing too much trying to break him out his shell, cause there might not be one, it might just be how he is..

two things:

You be just as quiet as he is.


get him drunk, most drunks talk and tell everything.

LOL this is true most of the time, but when he came over, he had been drinking and his head was spinning...smh...

 

[chicitygirl]

I recently went out with a guy just like this. He was more communicative over texts and the phone. Not a huge chatterbox, but we were able to have decent conversations at least. But when we went out he was like, mute. Worst date ever. It was like pulling teeth to get him to say anything. I was so ready to go home. I concluded that he was either boring or just not all that bright Yeah, I decided then it would be our last date. I can't be bothered.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

^^
I've always been told that it is not.
I guess I should have done my own research.

Excuse me for going off topic...
I think conversate is a new word that was recently added to the dictionary. I love seeing how language can change.

Now back on topic. I've dealt with those types and man it is hard. Maybe you two should text less and do more talking face to face?

Haha....No you're right. "Conversate" is NOT a word. People have turned it into a word due to slang and hence it is now in the Dictionary. But it is not originally a word...just like "Bootylicious" was not a word that was originally in the Dictionary.



Anyway...back to the topic at hand!

Ugh, I'd have to throw that one back in the sea.

Actually, I did once. I went out with a guy like that. Nice enough guy, but a horrible communicator. I couldn't deal and just moved on.

Ugh...I agree!

There's something fishy about this guy. I mean, sure he could be shy I guess...but if he's texting you all the time then he can't possibly be THAT shy, YKWIM??

I have had experiences with 2 different guys who were horrible communicators. One guy would never really ask me questions. I would always have to be the one to ask HIM questions, and draw him out. Turns out, he just wasn't that into me. Trust me, when a guy is REALLY into a girl, even if he's not a "big talker" about himself, he will want to know more about HER. He will ask questions. He will want to know more about YOU! Even the most "shy" guy in the world will be a "talker" around a girl he's truly interested in...especially if he knows that the girl is already interested in him.

There was a second guy, and he would always ask ME questions, but he would barely ever divulge any information about himself! It got to be to the point where I would feel like I was on an interview! I hated it. I need some feedback, you know what I mean? So needless to say, I broke off those boring conversationalists and I now give more time of day to guys who can actually carry on a normal free-flowing conversation.

I HAVE to have a guy that can at least carry a normal conversation without feeling weird, awkward, or pressured.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Yeah laidback guys are def my ytype, but I have never met somebody this relaxed lol one of my good friends went to HS with him and she told me that that's just how he is, something you have to get used to lol But i'm interested...that's half the reason I like him. But at the same time, I just need to make sure that I don't end up doing too much trying to break him out his shell, cause there might not be one, it might just be how he is..

I think you sort of answered your question!

Is his "reticence" something that you can continue to deal with? Or, would you prefer a guy who is more forthright and open? I know for me personally I'd get bored easily with a guy like this...even if he LOOKED good. So, I guess it all depends on what you want and what you can handle.

Some women don't even want a man to say a single word. They're perfectly fine with a man just sitting there listening while they just ramble on and on about their day and their issues/problems. Now if you're one of those women, then great! He's the perfect man for you. But if you know deep down inside that you want more interaction and input from a man, and you want a man to be able to talk to you about deep things and put some information on his end out there, then that's something you need to pay attention to.

I personally would hate to have to be the one having to twist someone's arm or encourage them to open up and draw them out alllll the time. I would start to wonder if the guy was really into me, and I'd get tired of doing ALL the talking or initiating of conversation. But that's just ME.

 

[Bunny77]

P.S. Crystal... I haven't forgotten about you!

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I dated a guy like this once... he was really really quiet. He would talk, but not that often, and NEVER if we were in a group setting. I just kinda got used to the fact that he was generally not going to speak if we weren't alone. I took him on an outing with my family once, and my grandma asked "What's wrong with that boy? Is he a deaf/mute or something?" OMG.... She is not one to hold her tongue.

Anyway, his quietness kinda grew on me. He would listen very attentively, but give short answers that were generally very well reasoned and informed. He was a good guy. He just didn't talk a lot. Nothing to hide, no tremendous secrets or anything. Just quiet.

ETA: Just wanted to add that a man's level of talkativeness often is influenced by his background. An American guy who is so quiet that you can hardly get him to talk is unusual, but in some other cultures people don't value talking quite as much.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Some people just don't talk much.
And by trying to make them talk they become more quiet.

Yes, yes, yes, I wish more people would understand this.

And the funny thing is, it doesn't really bother me if that's how he is, but i'm just not used to it.....i'm wild in a sense and very outgoing...

Your not alone. I think a lot of people are like you in this respect and when you finally run into someone who is basically mute, you don't know what to do.

Maybe he just isn't really comfortable at the moment and needs a little more time to open up. He sounds just like me except my main issue is that I feel when I tell someone something, they'll go right behind my back and tell everyone they know so that causes me to be extremely cautious and give one word answers.

 

[Curlybeauty]

I dated a guy like this once... he was really really quiet. He would talk, but not that often, and NEVER if we were in a group setting. I just kinda got used to the fact that he was generally not going to speak if we weren't alone. I took him on an outing with my family once, and my grandma asked "What's wrong with that boy? Is he a deaf/mute or something?" OMG.... She is not one to hold her tongue.

Anyway, his quietness kinda grew on me. He would listen very attentively, but give short answers that were generally very well reasoned and informed. He was a good guy. He just didn't talk a lot. Nothing to hide, no tremendous secrets or anything. Just quiet.

ETA: Just wanted to add that a man's level of talkativeness often is influenced by his background. An American guy who is so quiet that you can hardly get him to talk is unusual, but in some other cultures people don't value talking quite as much.

This describes him. And he's not a mute, in his own words "i'm talkative, I just don't talk as much as you do" lol but it's the truth...he is def a man of few words...and I like that. I will see what happens next time...and report back. But keep the responses coming...I like hearing what other people have to say...especially people who are quite and reserved types.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I just want to say that as a woman who talks entirely too much (and tends to overpower others in conversation - regardless of gender or the situation at hand), I really appreciate this thread. Right now I'm focusing on being comfortable with just sitting quietly with folks . . . and seeing if the silence is comfortable or not . . . that sensation is pretty telling, imho

I like the idea someone posted earlier about doing something interactive that requires conversation, like a board game . . . .

 

[Curlybeauty]

I just want to say that as a woman who talks entirely too much (and tends to overpower others in conversation - regardless of gender or the situation at hand), I really appreciate this thread. Right now I'm focusing on being comfortable with just sitting quietly with folks . . . and seeing if the silence is comfortable or not . . . that sensation is pretty telling, imho

I like the idea someone posted earlier about doing something interactive that requires conversation, like a board game . . . .

Me too
I'm starting to tone it down a lot, and just have my reserved and quite moments. People think i'm acting weird when I do it, but when you just sit back and listen....its like seeing a movie over and over again. You notice things/see things/and hear things you never picked up on...

 

[awhyley]

I this thread, because if OP changed 'man' to woman, that would describe me perfectly.
I'm sure that OP's man is sick of people judging him because he's quiet, wondering if he ever talks. Someone actually told me once that they thought that I was a mute because they had never heard me speak (mind you, I didn't even know tihs person ), so for him to get that from someone he's interested in, it must be doubly difficult for him. The interactive suggestion is great, as it might draw him out a bit. Don't give up; we good people too.

ETA: Just reading the rest of thread. This is the first time, I've ever seen quietness picked up as shadiness. It looks like shady people givin' quiet folk a bad name. I still say give him more time. If he's not on the level, he'll trip up eventually, but if people are already telling you that that's the way he is, don't expect any dramatic change. Either you like him the way he is, or it's not on.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

P.S. Crystal... I haven't forgotten about you!

Haha...thanks girl!

 

[hopeful]

I just remembered when I was in high school I went out on a date with a very quiet guy. He was a very nice person, a gentleman, drove a nice car, but I was sooooo bored I never went out with him again. I think the main thing in the end is if his communication style is compatible with yours. Does he satisfy you or do you feel bored or even lonely because of the lack of communication. Basically how you feel when you are with someone is important and you can't force a match and it's not fair to try change a person to make them suit your needs. I would hate for someone to try and get me to talk less.

 

[NYAmicas]

I cant do it. They get the Voicemail. Wasting my airtime just breathing. I have straight up surfed the net or opened a book while they sat their on the phone before I just hang up.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I'm not super talkative myself, but once I tried dating one of these 'silent' dudes. It was excruciating to be put in the position of being Chatty Cathy. Eventually I just gave up. You can't have a convo with one person participating.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

I seem to have this problem, meeting men who aren't very talkative. It drives me crazy. I hope to learn more, though. I think that if he's not talking to me, then he's not interested. Nothing could be farthest from the truth. That's just how it is and I need to accept it. On the other hand, a guy who won't STFU would turn me off just as well...

 

[Frostipuff]

I have more experience than I ever dreamed I'd have with a man like that.

Run, don't walk...or better yet, kick him to the curb. He is NOT worth your
time and effort.

Believe me.

 

[aribell]

I really believe that at least 60% of an interesting conversation comes from how interesting the people are themselves. I definitely agree with Bunny about the types that are quiet because there is nothing in their day to day experience that is worth talking about or they don't have an interesting perspective on life. And the shady one! Definitely been there too. Not that quietness equals secretive, but when someone is actively witholding info or just being generally vague, they're probably just shady.

There was on man I knew though--not romantically--who rarely said anything along the lines of chitchat, but his nonverbal communication was terrific. His facial expressions, gestures, etc were just so full of meaning. He wasn't miming or anything, lol. One time after a meeting, he walked past me, made a face and shrugged and I knew exactly what he was saying. It was like we had a paragraph long conversation, agreed and parted ways--all in one gesture. Some people manage to be quiet but still very present.

 

[YankeeCandle]

My now-SO was almost tight as a clam on our first 5-6 dates. It was like pulling teeth trying to get him to talk, so I really had to dig deep in my vast conversational repertoire to get him to talk about anything. I remember trying to quiz him about things I thought would resonate with him such as favorite airlines/airports, the World Cup, and coffee v. tea. At the end of the dates, I didn't really know what to feel because he seemed like a nice guy but I'm a talker of great magnitude and desire mental and verbal stimulation. Could this ever work?

The gamechanger was when we began talking on the phone in the evenings before bedtime several times a week.

Tell me why the heavens opened up and that man began babbling like a happy little brook, wanting to hold forth about everything from his observations of the people at his workplace to female genital cutting to hotly debating the ethnicity of some pop singer to the point that I challenged him to a wager about it.

Seems the telephone environment was less intimidating to him. Or maybe the frequency of our phone calls opened him up. Either way, it was like a dam broke.

 

[ladychoong]

Ahhh! That's like my friend

At the beginning we were kinda on the verge of seeing each other but his attitude and enthusiasm killed that for me.

I mean who allows their friend to come on to a girl they like and not intervene when she is trying to cut the conversation i mean what does that say to you? I was even mouthing to him "say something" or "lets go" since we were going inside his house before his friend came but all he done in that scenario was look in another direction the whole time like a silent garden gnome, and when his friend was joking around and asked "why you so quiet ain't you gonna say anything whilst i'm chatting up your future wifey?" He shrugged his shoulders kmt i could've slapped him but even so i was like "i'm not his future wifey" and laughed because frankly i was not impressed with his attitude towards me seeing as he "liked me" yeaaa...

But even so we finally went in his house and we were watching t.v and he seemed fine and then family members started turning up looooool but i didn't mind since i know them but he just forgot about me kmt so i was like you know what i'm even dumb to even bother with this boy so i was like i'm going home, so i said bye to his family and i couldn't care less if i said bye to him or not but he saw me leaving and the boy had the audacity to pull me aggresively to hug him then wouldn't let go. I knew he wanted to kiss me but i did not entertain that i was like "yea i gotta go".

After he just kept texting me to apologise about his family and other stuff ergh and he wouldn't stop i just ignored him but then he dropped by my house to "jam" and it was like a silent death and i was getting annoyed as i was initiating all the conversation.
Well last year summer holiday i decided to hook him up with my friend since they seemed to be hitting it off but then when they started to hang out alone my friend was like " what's wrong with him? he's so quiet never says anything" and i was like oh gawsh here we go again!

But with him i've noticed he only uses intimate actions to actually communicate loool which is pretty sad because he really isn't a bad person once you get to know him or should i say the patience to know him.

However now he's getting complicated because he's still hinting to me that he wants more than friendship but i don't! + he's still in contact with my friend and everytime i say "how's the wifey?" as a joke hinting to their lil relationship he's like " I didn't know i had one?" so i've just kept him away for a bit because when i try to talk to him seriously i can't because he's so silent that it's going to be as though i'm talking to myself or talking crap because he's totally silent!

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Wow, if some of ya'll feel this way about quiet men, how do you feel about men who won't shut up? erplexed

 

[tinkat]

I this thread, because if OP changed 'man' to woman, that would describe me perfectly.
I'm sure that OP's man is sick of people judging him because he's quiet, wondering if he ever talks. Someone actually told me once that they thought that I was a mute because they had never heard me speak (mind you, I didn't even know tihs person ), so for him to get that from someone he's interested in, it must be doubly difficult for him. The interactive suggestion is great, as it might draw him out a bit. Don't give up; we good people too.

ETA: Just reading the rest of thread. This is the first time, I've ever seen quietness picked up as shadiness. It looks like shady people givin' quiet folk a bad name. I still say give him more time. If he's not on the level, he'll trip up eventually, but if people are already telling you that that's the way he is, don't expect any dramatic change. Either you like him the way he is, or it's not on.

I was gonna post something like this but you explained this well. I am too a quiet person and it is quite annoying when people complain and try to get me to talk. Alot of quiet people don't care for small talk, they prefer to talk about things that are worth talking about, something that they are passionate about or really causes them to think (more intellectual convo). I find that I click more with people who are not bothered by my quietness, it does not faze them. But I understand some people don't have the patience to deal the quietness but I find that quiet people are the most thoughtful and great listeners.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

I am too a quiet person and it is quite annoying when people complain and try to get me to talk. Alot of quiet people don't care for small talk, they prefer to talk about things that are worth talking about, something that they are passionate about or really causes them to think (more intellectual convo). I find that I click more with people who are not bothered by my quietness, it does not faze them. But I understand some people don't have the patience to deal the quietness but I find that quiet people are the most thoughtful and great listeners.

And there you have it folks , this is the mind of a quiet person. Even at 25, I still get the dreaded question: "how come you don't talk?" and this right here is the reason. Plus when someone wants to talk about something really, really personal...guess who they come to and it's NOT the outgoing person 9x out of 10.

 

[Curlybeauty]

I this thread, because if OP changed 'man' to woman, that would describe me perfectly.
I'm sure that OP's man is sick of people judging him because he's quiet, wondering if he ever talks. Someone actually told me once that they thought that I was a mute because they had never heard me speak (mind you, I didn't even know tihs person ), so for him to get that from someone he's interested in, it must be doubly difficult for him. The interactive suggestion is great, as it might draw him out a bit. Don't give up; we good people too.

ETA: Just reading the rest of thread. This is the first time, I've ever seen quietness picked up as shadiness. It looks like shady people givin' quiet folk a bad name. I still say give him more time. If he's not on the level, he'll trip up eventually, but if people are already telling you that that's the way he is, don't expect any dramatic change. Either you like him the way he is, or it's not on.

right on! that's the way i'm playing the game this time around. If he is shady then he is shady, it is still soooo early on and I don't even know how long this will last. He doesn't owe me anything and i'm just trying to feel him out for a while...

I'm not super talkative myself, but once I tried dating one of these 'silent' dudes. It was excruciating to be put in the position of being Chatty Cathy. Eventually I just gave up. You can't have a convo with one person participating.

that's why being around him is sometimes nerve racking...I hate it when i'm around other ppl who just don't shut up, and now I feel like i'm turning into one when i'm around him. but i'm def going to let him tlk to me this time around...

I seem to have this problem, meeting men who aren't very talkative. It drives me crazy. I hope to learn more, though. I think that if he's not talking to me, then he's not interested. Nothing could be farthest from the truth. That's just how it is and I need to accept it. On the other hand, a guy who won't STFU would turn me off just as well...

EXACTLY. I think this is the real issue maybe. I'm used to people being vocal about having interest in me so with him, i'm like so am I doing too much here or what... And you def have to choose your battles wisely...b/c if he was a guy that never was quiet, I would go crazy lol

I really believe that at least 60% of an interesting conversation comes from how interesting the people are themselves. I definitely agree with Bunny about the types that are quiet because there is nothing in their day to day experience that is worth talking about or they don't have an interesting perspective on life. And the shady one! Definitely been there too. Not that quietness equals secretive, but when someone is actively witholding info or just being generally vague, they're probably just shady.

There was on man I knew though--not romantically--who rarely said anything along the lines of chitchat, but his nonverbal communication was terrific. His facial expressions, gestures, etc were just so full of meaning. He wasn't miming or anything, lol. One time after a meeting, he walked past me, made a face and shrugged and I knew exactly what he was saying. It was like we had a paragraph long conversation, agreed and parted ways--all in one gesture. Some people manage to be quiet but still very present.

See his whole thing is, that he doesn't think that anything he has to talk about is interesting at all. He has no favorites or anything like that, so it's just what it is I suppose.

 

[Curlybeauty]

And i'm glad to see this thread is still going.

 

[ambergirl]

Curly, when I've dated quiet guys before it wasn't that they weren't into me, in fact they liked the fact that I was high energy and talkative because it took the pressure off of them to initiate and sustain conversation. But it really is a lot of work to keep up a convo on your own.

How comfortable would you be with saying next to nothing next time you're together? You might want to try it out because if you aren't a natural motor mouth and he's never going to get out of his quietness, eventually your relationship will be filled with lots of quiet space....might be good to try it out and see how it feels and then decide is that something that would work for you.