My boyfriend's family is VERY racist

[luckiestdestiny]

That's unfortunate. I've dated out of my race previous to being engaged to my fiance. One thing I know is this: those relationships didn't end because of the situation you're in right now. They ended because the guys weren't right for me. I made sure that anyone who was my boyfriend stood up for me, as I would for them. Any one who wouldn't would never have gotten to boyfriend status. So I would not accept your "boyfriend's" response. I would tell him to call me when he grew a pair.

Should he completely shut off his family? I think that's up to him. They don't have to like you. That's fine. But they do have to respect his decision to date you. He needs to grow a pair and tell them if THEY want him in their lives they have to accept that he will date who he wants. And IF they have a problem with you, then they just won't see you. It's that simple. And if they rejected their grandchildren it's on them. But either way he would not accept any negative statements from them about you or any possible future kids, and that he will walk out and leave whenever these situations arise. And that's at the least...meaning he doesn't want to cut them off.

He also has to be prepared that they will cut him off. And if they did, the way I see it is do they really love him? If you love someone you will be willing to overcome even racism just to preserve peace. Will they love you? No. But will they bite their tongue, yes?

In short: Basically he'll have to decide if he's willing to let his parents dictate who he loves. That's really what this is about. It's not like his parents will cut him off now. Only if the relationship goes on to marriage. Then it's up to him to decide if you're worth that. And it's up to his parents to decide if they're willing to severe ties for some b.s. And it's up to you to decide if you want to be in the middle of this mess anyways.

Now I grew up on army bases with plenty of interracial families and I grew up playing with those kids (I was a child of an army dad). I remember situations where they said grandparents cut their family off. Were they fazed? No. They thought their grandparents were silly and that was about it. I did too. It was the grandparents that were missing out on some wonderful little kids...oh well!

What concerns me is his response. I don't really care about how dad acted and giving your man "time". He's not a baby, so coddling him seems moot. Maybe it's because I'm strong willed but this man is not "brand new". He KNEW his dad was racist before dating you. So if he has to "think" about your relationship, it means he may not have the strength to stand up for you. And that's what my eyebrow would be raised about. Regardless of what you decide good luck!

 

[CurlyMoo]

WHOA! It's only been 3 months and you guys are already dealing with challenges. Usually this is the time where the world just seems so wonderful and you are so happy with each other. You haven't even been tested by the 6 month rule yet. But alas racism has a way of throwing a monkey wrench into the program.

You two are still in the stages of getting to know each other, his family is a huge red flag of what you will have to deal with in the future. IF you decide you want to pursue a relationship wth this man. If your man is the type to put his foot down and let his family know when they have crossed the line, he's a keeper. Because there will be others who will try to come between you in the future not just the family. Best to know if he's got your back now.

OP, I know you are getting a lot of advice but; this is YOUR relationship and both you and our SO are adults and racism is only a fraction of what couples have to deal with. When adults choose their mates they make the decision of who comes first. It's YOUR decision, and YOU decide what or whom makes you happy. I'm a family person but that doesn't mean I will let family dictate my life. (Because they sure in hell didn't ask for my advice when they took up with their SO's/DH's/DW's.) And I will stop communicating with anyone who trys to come between my personal happiness.

Like I said, the main issue the two of you have is who comes first in this relationship, you, the in-laws or the great God They. People who let other people into their relationships tend to have failed relationships. Protect it and keep it private at all times. Move from your town if you have to, some people will ask is it worth it. I will say love is always worth it.

I don't think having racist or hateful in-laws is a reason to breakup a good relationship. Not all families are going to have sunshine and rainbow incounters. It's only been a few months that you have been seeing him, I say slow down and talk. Get to know each other and find out what kind of man he is. Will he protect and care for you against other opposition as well?

Don't let the emotions and anger of racism push you into a relationship you may not want to be in 3 months from now. People tend to cling tighter when they feel pressure. Like you have stated it's really early in the relationship and all this thinking is really a kill joy. In this type of situation, it helps to have a sense of humor. I guarantee you there is something funny about this somewhere. OP I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Renewed1]

In short: Basically he'll have to decide if he's willing to let his parents dictate who he loves.

THAT RIGHT THERE!! Because in the GRAND scheme of things, it has very little to do with you. It's about him becoming a man.

 

[DragonPearl]

This kind of situation separates the boys from the men. A man respects his parents' opinion, but he still chooses to live his life as he sees fit.

OP, if this person breaks up with you because of his family's racism, he will be doing you a favor.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Well said. I was thinking that myself. If he breaks up with her, he's really doing her a favor because he doesn't have a backbone and who wants that?

 

[song_of_serenity]

Updates? Hope you're ok, O.P!

 

[awhyley]

Me too, cause I was lurking in da thread, but didn't have anything to contribute, I'm wondering what's going on and how she's doing? If he has a bad relationship with the parents, then why would their opinion matter that much? Methinks this relationship may have gone kaput.

 

[isawstars]

Hey ladies! Sorry I have been very busy (and tired) lately. My relationship with him has gone back to normal...and when I say that, I am referring to our chemistry. we haven't had a serious discussion since the last one... but he did explain how his neighbors are racist as well and how they complained about me...just how stupid and irritating their ignorance is in the country. (I live closer to the city than he).

I did go to his house on Sunday to whoop hos butt at nitendo haha.he drove his car...and we took a detour. Is that weird? But yeah... he hasn't acted strange...still calls me every night. He even suggested we go to the mountains one weekend.

 

[kayte]

but he did explain how his neighbors are racist as well and how they complained about me...

explain?
OP-this isn't very nice of him... not AT all....

but since all is normal' ...perhaps in the future...he can keep those kinds of bigoted "explanations" ...to himself...they do not enhance anything....

how stupid and irritating their ignorance is

they are not the only ones~

OP- you deserve better..I promise you..

 

[10WordzOrLess]

My boyfriend doesn't live with his father but he's renting a house down the street from his parents. And I actually have not met his parents. My boyfriend's next door neighbor saw me coming and going on a regular basis and asked his dad about me. My bf got in a fight with his dad while I was at work. Then he came over to my house afterwards and told me about it.

Even though I've never met his parents, do you think I shouldn't visit him at his house anymore? I am aware there is a possibility that my bf left information out for my sake, but reassured me that his father never threatened me. Everything ugly his dad said was directed towards him and not me.

1. If ur BF pays the rent on that house than dont worry about what his Dad thinks about you coming and going. Drive up the street super slow, blare rap music, park in the middle of ur BF's yard, hop out wearing head 2 toe kente cloth. Tell his neighbors to runtelldat!

2. These ladies have already given wonderful advice, I agree that you 2 should be a united front, but it's your BF's responsibility to adress his racist father. If you plan on being aroubd for long-term these issues need to be dealt with.

3. I was 22 when I married my SOON 2 BE EX-HUSBAND (I still made a lovely BLACK BRIDE. lmao) I agree with the sentiment that here is so much of your life left, no need 2 put yourself through 2 much because of the intensity of the situation. IR love can be a bit accelerated because of the bond a couple forms dealing with adversity in my young IMO.

4. In all things be true to youraself darling. If he is hesitant to address the issue, he may not be ready for the kind of relationship you two are approaching. Come back to him later! So much time, so many options! LoL. But if he believes as strongly in your relationship potential as you obviously do, seek comfort and strength in each other, not outside approval. Love in any color is a beautiful thing, don't let anyone sour it for you.

I wish you the best of luck!